Partner’s «joshing»

It usually signals that they are the weaker in the relationship are appeasing in private then when they think they might have allies challenge you. It is very hurtful behaviour. It is beyond the pale. Make it a rule with him that you don't betray each other in public. as others have said it is manipulative cruel and passive-aggressive and cowardly. grrrrr
Good luck with clearing this up and get back to us for further support.

A friend of mine, (widowed,) took up with a man who did this constantly and I hated it. I took an instant dislike to him and wondered what she saw in him. Although they don't live together, they are still very friendly with each other. I have not been in his company since that first meeting. His remarks probably meant as jokes made me angry and very protective of my friend, although I've never told her I don't like him. So maybe the lady's husband in question is having the same effect on people who are listening and they probably wonder why she is still with him when he has no respect for her. I ask that question too.

What sort of things is he saying?
My DH is several years older than me and I joke sometimes about him being an old fogey when we’re with his adult children as he isn’t keen on embracing new technology, social media etc. He happily agrees.
I probably wouldn’t say such things amongst a group of friends though as that could be seen as unkind.
However, if I was with a partner who was making negative generalisations about for example, irish travellers, benefits claimants, black people etc. then I’d probably want to make it very clear in a group situation that I didn’t support their unpleasant views.

My ex and i were friends with a couple many years ago and the husband constantly belittled the wife in company, i mean all the time, never ceasing his 'playful' comments. They ranged from paper bag over her head, quips about her intelligence, cooking, looks etc. We did not find it at all amusing, in fact it was downright embarrassing.
Your husband needs to be told he is making himself look a fool doing this and generally people do not like it or find it funny, in fact they tend to sympathise with the wife for having such an **hole for a husband. By all means show him this.

Wendiwoo - the put down is a sign of his insecurity - if he doesn't say 'boo to a goose' this shows he's very insecure in the presence of others, frightened to express an opinion for fear of being shot down and not able to respond, hence looking very weak. He can vent his need to appear masculine with you because you have given him permission to do it by not wanting to cause an atmosphere in public - your private entreaties to him not to do it because its hurtful are far too soft - tell him to stop it once and for all. Do not pander to him because this will only become more and more entrenched and as you get older you will have less energy to fight it.

My partner does this yet when at home he is a lovely kind man. I feel so embarrassed when he says things in public... not just because of what he says but also what I think others think of me for putting up with it... if you see what I mean. He is a work in progress... my latest tactic is to speak to him before we go out in the hope he can control himself! Exhausting!

I can see where you,re coming from here. We used to go out every so often with a good friend of mine and her husband. After a while her husband started saying things to/about her, in what appeared to be a "jokey" fashion but were actually quite cutting, and I could see how embarrassed and uncomfortable she was. At first I thought he was showing off and ignored him, changed the subject, but gave him some quite pointed looks to let him see I did,nt think he was funny. In your case it appears that his daughters and family exchange looks between themselves when he does this and that's not good, if no-one responded in any way to his comments and changed the subject he would not get the attention he is obviously enjoying. I think next time he does something similar I would say something like "well Mr Perfect...on a scale of 1 to 10 were should I begin ". Take the wind out of his sails before he gets going...and try and nip this behaviour in the bud. Alternatively you will have to have a serious talk with him at home in private and ask him outright why he thinks it's ok to make rude and personal remarks about you in company ....and if he does,nt want a dose of his own medicine then it has to stop.

This used to happen to me until we went to Marriage Guidance counselling. Sorted!

My DH makes inappropriate remarks too, it must be a man thing!!

Tell him how hurtful his behaviour is and remind him that you have had the same discussion previously.
Further tell him that should he feel the need to belittle you again in company then you will confront him there and then in front of whoever you are in company with.
A bit of unpleasantness should reap the reward of his respectful behaviour in future.
if you cant do that then act likewise and belittle him in company.

@ Coconut, the problem is if she say's that it might just backfire and he might tell the crowd "see what I have to put up with?" ...

I don't think there is any excuse for demeaning behaviour. I'd ask him straight up why he feels the need to put me down in front of people and go from there.

There is obviously something on his mind, he's resentful about something and he's taking revenge by putting you down in public. If you want to make things better you need to find out whats up with him.

My husband joshes with me when we're in company and most of the time, I give it back but occasionally he oversteps the mark and I talk to him afterwards so that he knows that it is hurtful. However, there are never any 'knowing' looks between him and the family (except when I dance) so I know that what he is doing is affectionate and part of our repartee. I think when people are outwardly jokey then it is easier to tackle if it upsets you and yet it is the stuff that is more hidden which is far more hurtful. I'd be inclined to look at what Eglantine is saying in para 3 and be completely honest with yourself. If there is no truth there whatsoever, then I would tackle him and possibly even the family when it happens. You don't have to make a big scene just point out quietly that their behaviour is not inclusive and makes you feel uncomfortable/hurt.

Certainly don't put up with this, as it annoys and hurts you.

For years, I thought this kind of thing was one of the cultural differences between my DH who grew up here in Denmark, where the kind of remark you mention, are thought hysterically funny by men, and me. I grew up in Scotland and had it drummed in to me by my paternal grandmother that making personal comments was exceedingly rude.

I have simply told me DH that I do not find these remarks remotely amusing, but hurtful, and asked him at the same time, if I made remarks that annoyed him. I may say, I found out that some of the things I meant jokingly did indeed hurt him. It helped, as we both realised we needed to be more considerate.

I wa a good bit older than 2 of my exes- nothing was ever mentioned about myage-3years is nothing! And no,it wasnt the age gap that split us up,other thngs,so get him in check ponto!

Thanks sue01,im going to use that tip on my 2 teenage sons,for going over what ive already asked them to do,that they've 'forgotten'!

This behaviour stopped with my OH when in company I said "It's only a joke & funny when both people are laughing & I'm not". You could have heard a pin drop.

Yes, I think you should definitely speak to him again. Perhaps more firmly but calmly too. We are all different but I would not do so publicly.

I wish you the best of luck.

Bold:sparkelfizz is correct. He is using passive aggressive behaviour and it is abuse. It's not domestic violence but it is abuse.

As he is being indirect your best chance of putting a stop to his behaviour is to call it exactly what it is.

If you mush it up with softer, nicer words and tone of voice you will not have any impact.

You say you have spoken to him about this before and it stopped for a while. So all he did was let you calm down before he started again ( he put his abusive/passive aggressive self into hiding).

If you really do want to stop him from "Shaming You' you must be clear in what you say.

I get why you and others are talking about your Feeling and you have every good reason to feel hurt. But ...

IF he cared about your Feeling he wouldn't be doing this in the first place and he would have stopped when you asked him to last time.

"Your Feelings" don't matter to him as much as his drive for his passive/ aggressive behaviour.

So "IF" you do want to stand up for yourself (and I really hope you do want to stand up for yourself) you need to call out his Behaviour.

Call it what it is, name it and shame it as they say.

Talking about your feelings to him won't get you anywhere other than short breaks in his behaviour.

I'm very sorry if what I have written hurts you even more as I wouldn't want to do that but I really want you to have the best possible defence against this abuse. Because if you don't act for yourself now it will only get more frequent and your feeling will be hurt far more in the future.

Your feelings ARE Important and so are your opinions and I am so sad that your H is not respecting you, your feelings or your opinions.

Are you being reasonable to feel hurt? Yes, yes and yes. (I would be furious, but that's just me)

Now you have clearly identified how you are feeling you have given yourself an opportunity to act in your own best interest, to take care of you, your feelings and your right to your opinions.

I wish you the best day you can have, the vey best of outcomes for you and may you always find a way for you to take the best possible care of you. Because you are worth it and if you don't make that clear others won't do it for you even if we'd like to. xx

Well said allsortsofbags. It took me many years to rebuild my self-worth after a marriage full of this sort of behaviour, which escalated at the end into all-out aggression due to alcohol misuse.

Were we married to the same man, I wonder Sparklefizz? Depressing to think that there's more than one of them around.

I think I would ask him out right, if he is saying these things because he finds you out spoken & cant cope with it ( his problem) & if not what other possible reason would he have for behaving the way he does.Also tell him you haven’t changed he has, so what is his problem? Good luck

Like others said, Do the same to him. He is a bore, I also think he has a low opinion of himself as people who are happy within themselves do not do this.
You need to tell him again, enough is enough and if he does not stop it you will either ask him to leave, or you retaliate, bullies are cowards and if you stand up to them they very often stop, because what he is doing is bullying.

Sparklefizz.....I had the same...I'm not excusing your partner, but alcohol can take part of the blame, but my ex never drank, but was so nasty and vicious in his remarks, I am still mentally bruised even though it's 18 years since our divorce. I have zero confidence.

My Ex used to do the same thing and expected me to play along, I didn't I gave as good as I got and he soon stopped. I agree I think he had low self esteem and was compensating for his lack of confidence with people he wasn't sure of. Yes it's bullying.

People will often make "hostile" comments in a jokey manner when in a group, because it's safer to do so. (Might get a strip torn off at home!)

If I were you, I'd be asking him "what lies beneath"...e.g. is he embarrassed by your age gap, insecure, resentful about something? I'd want to find out what the actual cause is.

As an aside, we recently went to a Golden Wedding anniversary celebration, and the husband made a brief speech, without mentioning his wife once! It was so upsetting to me - I felt really sorry for her.