Partner’s «joshing»

Men often do it if they feel threatened by their wives. Especially if the wife is more at ease in a social situation than they are.

Point out to him that that being critical of you implies to other people his own lack of taste/good judgement. After all, he chose to be your partner!

crazyH* I'm sorry to hear this. I had counselling with a male counsellor and it did me the world of good. Had to pay for it which was a struggle but it was my investment in myself. He sent me on an assertiveness course as part of the campaign to build me up again. I'm still a work in progress even though it's been decades, and it's one big learning curve, but I'm getting there. Hope you will too. We deserve much better.

Were we married to the same man, I wonder Sparklefizz? hmm Depressing to think that there's more than one of them around.

Chewbacca - love it!!!

It's called emotional abuse and it's a crime maybe you should point that out to him.

I would ask him why he does it. If it can't be resolved, when you are all together and he puts you down, I would pull him up and face him out, in a quiet way but I would put him on the spot. If it all goes pear shaped and doesn't get resolved at least you can be and respect yourself. I can't see why Nyone should put up with abuse, he obviously has a problem and should man up.

My father used to do that and I grew up feeling the unresolved pressure of 'if I respond I'll be ridiculed more for not being able to take a joke' or otherwise inwardly wince at the 'jokey' put down. Exchanged 'looks' are also very excluding.
I think you can sense when someone is genuinely including you in the 'joke' but it sounds from your post that it's an excluding tactic. It sounds a good idea to have a conversation to discover why he does it and also if you do, indeed, do something similar or upsetting that he might like to tell you about openly.

At what point does misjudged behaviour amount to abuse? How do we know that the OP is as careful of his feelings at home which makes him feel he needs to retaliate in a crowd. I agree this behaviour can be abuse but I’m not sure we should condemn a man on the basis of one post.

Hello - I have just joined Gransnet. Please say something firm and meaningful to him about this; as many above have said it will only get worse if you ignore it and could eat away at you which you neither want nor deserve. In my experience it may take a few 'discussions' for the message to hit home!

Hmm, home truths work both ways don’t forget. I hope the OP is ready to hear what he might say to her in a firm and meaningful way....

My husband has suffered badly from anxiety and is not at ease in social situations whereas I am. I regularly had bouts of this behaviour even to the extent of criticising how I was sitting when talking on Skype to the family! Pussyfooting doesn't work. It's is jealousy that you are more at ease than he is. My FIL did the same. A short sharp remark that I will not stand this ridiculous behaviour plus regular reminders if it crops up again seems to do the trick. Also when we do socialise I move away from him so that it doesn't give him the opportunity to relapse!

Try saying, "Now dear, let's leave the verbal abuse until we're at home."

My DD's ex F-i-L does this all the time to her ex M-i-L. Comments I have overheard over the years range from 'Your hair looks like a badger' said in a restaurant when the younger ones were talking about hair styles and she said she had thought about dying her grey out, to comments about being her toy boy -he is a couple of weeks younger than she is. I did ask her once why she didn't tell him to shut up but she said he had always been like that. Maybe in private at home as part of a jokey conversation on both sides perhaps but not when out in public with family and friends. It seems a horrible way to talk about your partner to me, especially so as you have already told him it upsets you.

But his family “exchange looks” when something the OP ‘ doesn’t agree with” comes up in conversation. Might this just be because she has a bee in her bonnet about some things and goes on and on regardless of whether it’s appropriate or even polite?

Maybe the “looks” are their way of biting their tongues. Would Oh do shut up or Oh not again be more acceptable?

Maybe his not funny jokes in company are an attempt to diffuse an uncomfortable situation that the OP is creating by holding forth.

Maybe. Two sides to everything.

Blimey, there seem to be some very sensitive souls out there. It used to be a standing joke about me looking like a badger because the grey would show so quickly and if you're only a couple of weeks older than your husband, why get upset when he jokes about being the toy boy. We call it a sense of humour in our house.

I said "It's only a joke & funny when both people are laughing & I'm not".

It depends on the relationships between all the people involved and also on the tone of voice used.

Wendiwoo needs to discuss this with her DH before the next social event, then see how things go.

Do not let him get away with putting you down like this.

Speak to your partner again, and tell him quietly and reasonably that you find his remarks unkind and hurtful. Ask him why he feels the need to make them and tell him to stop.
If he stops, all well and good.
If he doesn't stop, or starts again shortly, you need to think long and hard about your relationship. To ridicule your partner in public. in front of family and friends, indicates a basic contempt for you, and that is very hard to overcome.
I speak from very bitter experience with my ex-husband, who did this constantly, (can't you take a joke?) to the extent that friends would tell him to stop because he was embarrassing. Nothing I said or did prevented him from doing it; ignoring it, parrying it, tears, anger, silence; at the time I thought it was insecurity, anything for a cheap laugh, too much to drink, but after our divorce I realised the simple truth, that he and his family held me in contempt.
It started soon after we were married; you and your partner have had a good relationship for twenty-five years so I hope this isn't the reason.
Whatever it is, do not tolerate it.

My DH used to do this until I responded in public by saying something to the effect that he knew he could only get away with saying such things because I was too polite to tell him what I thought of his behaviour in public. I got a couple of 'well said' from the company and he's never done it since.

I wouldn't even bother telling him how you feel when he makes those remarks. Not a good idea to show him your achillies heel - he might just get his kicks that way.
Next time he starts, perhaps you could ask him if he feels 'big' putting other people down and tell him that IYO, only twisted individuals with no sense of self worth do stuff like that, then walk off.
I certainly wouldn't bother explaining my feelings. He must be dim not to realise that normal people don't act that way.
Good luck...

I agree with all those who say just give it back. A similar situation happened with me and at my age there’s no way he is going to belittle my (somewhat dwindling) confidence. Sometimes a mere look of disdain works well I have found - especially when the rest of the people in the room see it.

I would say nothing until next time you were in company then let rip when he least expects it, i would embarass him so much he would never do it again.?

DD does this a lot to me especially in front of strangers, she drags things out of the past where she feels i was in the wrong. She did it at a party on Saturday and I tried to ignore it but I could see the people were confused.
we are close and she never does this except in front of others.
I have asked her to stop but she seems to feel she has to put me down in front of others.

If you are sure it is totally unprovoked I would tell him that if he belittles me in front of others I will react immediately in front of the others. Its degrading and not good for your self esteem.

I would not give him any more of your precious attention.
Going out without him is the first thing that springs to mind.

He obviously gets some sort of extra importance and status from you asking him to bestow decent behaviour upon you.
When you go to your upcoming gathering you need to set your mind to pretending you are there alone.
Totally disengage from him.

I would talk to other people, away from him.
Harder if it is a sit down meal, but sit away from him if this is so.

Men hate it when we do not mind in the slightest what antics they are up to.

Ignore him when you are out but don't make a big issue of it. Be polite if he speaks to you but keep your distance. Just do it calmly, after all you can choose not to stand with him and listen to this rubbish.

As for the exchanged looks with his daughters, I'd keep well away from them en masse.

There has been suggestion on here that it may be your outspoken views and being a bore that causes his behaviour. I don't believe this.
If it were to be so then your husband has ample opportunity to tell you so kindly and in private.

By being an ar***ole in public he is in the wrong for dealing with it this way.

Get on with your social life and act as a free individual.