Partner’s «joshing»

Having read some of the replies there are some reasonable questions about how OP would respond to an open and frack discussion about how her behaviour affects OH ? Fair Q.

I would still say that "Passive (none problem addressing/solving) Aggressive (shaming, belittling, disrespecting ...) Behaviour is not a healthy way to address issues in any relationship.

AND I really don't care about gender, age or any other permutations, human to human PAB is not healthy. So as for OP's H may have ... yes AND !!!

Q's about what might be driving (underneath) OH behaviour? Are all good Q's and there have been some possible insights into this process as well as some options (and I do mean options) for dealing with this type of behaviour.

But again Passive Aggressive Behaviour is not a relationship building option.

Only by both parties addressing the behaviour and finding other ways of relating will a safe and healthy situation be created. Be very clear OP's H, as we read the account, was, subconsciously, setting out to hurt her.

Any dissatisfaction OP's H has, or feels he has, he has the right to have his dissatisfaction addressed BUT that right DOES NOT give him the right to damaging behaviour.

Anytime PAB is not addressed the the person displaying PAB will take some form of permission, as in I got away with that so ... I can carry on and/or up the behaviour. NO, NO, NO. No excuses. Find your grievance, name it, discuss it and find a solution. Be Assertive, take care of yourself.

Some of you have said how you have been damaged by PAB and that it takes years of work to come back from the damage. Well done those of you who are on that Journey, keep going and keep encouraging others who are also on the road.

It is always worth remembering that Wendiwoo asked if she was being reasonable in "feeling hurt". If we are "feeling hurt" that's how we are feeling.

Questioning how reasonable it is to feel hurt comes from someone (OP) who is seeking to find a balance around her feelings. Not someone who is being too touchy, too sensitive, or easily offended.

Also it is reasonable to assume that we readers are getting "only one side" of the situation. As with any post where people are hurt or feel they are being attacked, disrespected, disregarded, shamed and so on it is only human to recount events in a hurt, one sided, skewed way, omitting elements of the deeper relationship. I'm sure we are all experienced enough to know this so is it really necessary to comment on the one sidedness. Just saying.

Not making excuses for him but sometimes retired men aren't good at making conversation and also it is sometimes the way they speak to each other at work, they all laughed then and he may feel out of things - just a thought. Both myself and husband do it occasionally without thinking.

This is verbal abuse - unfortunately there is no other way to describe it. If he does not stop it will just get worse. He must be feeling inferior and needs to make himself feel superior by putting you down. Please don't put up with this it will only get worse and don't make excuses for him - nice people don't behave this way .

If he does it in a social situation again. Say nothing. Just quietly get up and walk out.

Make sure you have your house keys, your phone and enough money to call a taxi to get home.

Alternatively ask him if he likes humiliating himself in public and that you have heard people sniggering and making comments about him when he has the bad manners to make disparaging remarks about you in public.

Perhaps if he realised what a bad light his habit shone on his behaviour and that he made himself a figure of contempt among his friends, he might think twice about doing it.

lizziepopbottle is absolutely right! (Together with others on this thread.)

My husband does the same thing sometimes, and it's always, 'Just a joke!' I know that he wouldn't purposely hurt my feelings in public - I think it's an unconscious way of making himself look bigger, smarter, funnier - but sadly, at my expense.

I've told him off about it, and he has stopped (for the time being, at least). If he does it again, he'll get a public, verbal 'punch on the nose'. I'm not having it!

And neither should you!

icanhandthemback I must be sensitive too because I wouldnt be happy with a standing joke of looking like a badger. Maybe your family has a weird sense of humour.

Wendiwoo does not want to disrupt the relationship completely just stop him making snide comments in company.
I would have thought staying by his side, let him tell his tale about your imperfections and have your own tale about his faults ready to fire back, then stare him out pointedly. You need 3 or 4 tales to come back with, at that point most smartarses will give up and let you win
I have to say all my friends would never dare to belittle their wives in public, whereas the girls regularly do it to us in a friendly way. As a man you have to "take it" because reacting will cause a row, in my case lasting a week or so, not too serious but one to avoid.

Please, people, when others make these belittling comments, it is not a joke, it's not "banter" ... we teach people how to treat us by allowing these things to escalate.... and escalate they do. I knew someone who repeatedly described her husband as "a boring old fart" in front of friends. He just sat there and took it, and she kept on doing it.

Davidhs, you say "as a man you have to take it because reacting will cause a row, in my case lasting a week or so" .... that's awful, you are punished for standing up for yourself when you have been humiliated in public. You are being bullied. How does that make you feel? In my opinion you need to make a stand and weather the row that might follow in order to keep your self-respect and self-esteem. It's verbal bullying, it's not nice or kind or loving, it's passive aggressive abuse done purely because the abuser feels safe that the victim won't retaliate in front of people, and will possibly be punished with an argument and a week-long sulk if he/she dares complain privately later on. Been there and suffered the consequences. It doesn't work.

I don't agree with playing games with the bully and doing the same back to them or "staring at them pointedly". They need to be called out on it at the time they are doing it.

They need to be called out on it at the time they are doing it.
You're absolutely right of course Sparklefizz, but when its gone on for a long time, you lose your confidence in making that challenge and, after a while, you start to believe that what they're saying is true. Far better to stop it before it gets to the point where the "joshing" is being done in public.

Yes, Chewbacca, I'm speaking from lessons learnt the hard way and when I was going through it myself I was too ground underfoot to stand up for myself. Eventually the worm turned after many years of escalating abuse! You're right, you lose your confidence and self-esteem (which was probably low to start with) and become fearful. As you say, far better to stop it at the outset. Hindsight's a wonderful thing, innit??

The best thing that could happen Wendiwoo would be for someone who is out with you to comment on his rudeness.

Several years ago we went out with some friends and a couple we were meeting for the first time. He was just like your husband and even though it was blatantly obvious that we were all being made to feel uncomfortable by his rudeness to his lovely wife, he carried on relentless.

In the end I took a deep breath, got a look from Mr. S. because he knew what was coming, and asked him why he found it necessary to be so rude to his wife. He said I was just like her and couldn't take a joke. I told him she clearly had a wonderful sense of humor, after all she'd married him.

I do hope you can put a stop to this. You are not being neurotic, your husband is being rude.

Needless to say we never saw them again so I don't know if my comment did any good but I like to think it would have made him think twice before insulting his wife in public again.

The problem with this type of man is he cannot bear a woman to have ascendency over him. He, maybe subconsciously, thinks his wife/ partner is more interesting/ better looking/ more intelligent/ has more friends than he does and it niggles, so he snipes when he is in a social situation where the woman, to avoid social embarrassment, is unlikely to retaliate. He wouldn't do it to a man, so is demonstrating insecurities of some description.

annep, I certainly have a weird family but we tease each other with affection. In some ways, I liked looking like a badger far more than I like being completely grey like I am now. If you can't laugh at yourself and laugh with others who laugh with you, it's a sad world. If any of us overstepped the mark, we'd say and the other person would be mortified. It rarely happens.

You can't know, though, the history behind reactions to pejorative comments. If you have been wounded in the past these feelings of hurt can well up again. If you were told that "teasing" hurt someone's feelings, or you observed their discomforture, would you carry on? Not unless your comments are designed to hurt or belittle.

icanhandthemback, my father was a great tease - as are most of our family, but as you say, it is affectionate teasing and, yes, we tease on personal characteristics, but not if it is a characteristic that upsets the person who has it, This family teasing would never be done outside the house, nor is it ever said in a disparaging manner aimed to diminish the person being teased.

What this husband is doing is bullying and abusive behaviour.

Jaxie, of course we wouldn't say anything that we knew hurt someone. It's possible that we might inadvertently upset someone but we'd very quickly apologise and it would never be repeated. We tease outside the house, people might look to make sure no offence has been taken but when they see it hasn't, they don't appear uncomfortable and they are happy to laugh along with us. I don't agree with belittling behaviour, or making a joke at somebody else detriment but I do think we have to be careful not to throw the baby out of the bath water. Abuse is a very emotive word and one which should be used carefully rather than having it bandied around at the drop of a hat. I agree that if the OP is hurt by the behaviour, she should address it but is it possible that he sees it as affectionate teasing and she doesn't? Is it just a mismatch of their sense of humour? Or is it abuse? We really don't know as we don't have many examples of this behaviour and the one about age difference could be seen as harmless but the OP has been branded abusive and a bully. We don't even know if the DH is making the same jokes as he was asked to refrain from before but there is an assumption that he must be doing it deliberately and maliciously. I just don't automatically subscribe to that nor do I excuse his behaviour out of hand. I just don't think we know enough.

Each time he does this just say - "There you go again, putting me down in company" and joke with whoever it is you're with and say "He does this all the time, even though he know I don't like it" his will embarrass him and make him think twice!! Give him a taste of his belittling behaviour!! If you don't do this then it will eventually have a very negative effect on you self esteem.

Tell him, in front of others, to pack it in!

I too live in 'the land of rolling eyeballs' and it's not nice. Yes, I have spoken to husband about it and he ADMITTED that he knows he is nasty to me but can't stop it.
We used to have 'helpers' in from one of the colunteer organisations to help with outstanding tasks and the garden weeding but can't do that now as he becomes best mates with them and it is like me isolated on the point of the 'triangle' I understand your pain!

It is not good to boost one's own confidence by belittling others. A hint of the playground here.

Tell him you don't like it and that it reflects very badly on him in public and that people will not think well of him for it.

Does he spend time with younger people? I ask because it is the humour today called banter or bants where people put each other down when in company. I do find it funny but I am somebody that can give as good as I get.