Sons marriage in crisis

I had OCD after the birth of my first child, no therapy in those days so just had to battle through. It went in the end. I think it was something to do with a complete change of identity and in the relationship with my OH. A way of trying to get some control over my life which all of a sudden felt totally out of my control. No one can see these things coming and its no ones fault. I think the fact that your ES is talking, whilst obviously painful to his wife, is actually a good sign and he is also getting the help he needs. The upsetting things he is saying will be through the lens of a mind that temporarily is not seeing things straight. Hang on in there and you will all get through this. Birth of a first child however much planned for, wanted and utterly wonderful, can also be unexpectedly traumatic.

Oh dear, how dreadful for you! Please don't feel you have failed. mental health is no-one's fault. Try to get your ES the professional help he deserves and continue to support your DIL and enjoy your GD.
Stay strong!

When things change so rapidly and traumatically, we think the situation is insurmountable, but we are all more adaptable than we think. The new 'regime' will seem drastic at first, but gradually we fit into the roles that are now required of us - they become the new 'normal' and we cope. It sounds as if you are all pulling together. I hope it's not too long before you see light at the end of the tunnel.

The upsetting things he is saying will be through the lens of a mind that temporarily is not seeing things straight.

What a good way to describe it.

We went through something very similar a couple of years ago so I know how hard it is. Make sure that you take care of yourself as well as everyone else.

Bless
You .... what a difficult time you are having and in the middle is your beautiful grandchild .... as long as your son is getting the help he needs and you are all supporting eachother that is the best thing ... good luck and please keep us posted ... I understand what it’s like when a teenage child has a breakdown ...with a family added this is definately extra stress ... are you getting help to ? Counselling is a great safety valve for me ... I love therapy .. I just like a chat but therapy has helped me
Loads
lol ... take care and don’t forget to have a good chuckle whenever you can ... you are allowed.. and it can help loads ... ?

You sound as tho you have a really loving family around you, hopefully your DIL has her family supporting het as well as your family. things may be difficult now, but your DD is right when he says you will find a way of climbing that brick wall, speaking as someone who had OCD and went to one to one sessions with "Time to talk". Which helped a lot. x

my son had it and it does take a while but it can be sorted , he is been fast tracked for medical help which is very good and that's what he needs , alongside lots of love support and being able to discuss this situation , no-one is at fault there is no blame anywhere to anyone , take it a day at a time some will be good some not so good , you will get there and so will he it wont happen overnight , but he will recover , stay strong don't panic , don't overthink the situation its happened but you are dealing with it , you can vent at me anytime x

So much good advice and support here already so all I'll add is to reiterate what has been said.

First get rid of the guilt, you are responding in a very caring and supportive way. AND you/the family did that as soon as you were aware of a problem. What more could you do? So many good points here about that so I hope you can hear the wise words and that they give you some ease and confidence as you navigate this difficult time.

It is very important to give yourself/the family the credit your deserve for getting through each day. So easy to only see the difficulties/negatives and to miss the gains/positives, sometime only small things, that can and do get lost in all the pain and confusion.

Well Done to you DIL. Your son is getting help, so good that your DIL, after the shock she had, took him to hospital. What a caring, strong thing to do. Please make sure you give her repeated credit for her actions then and throughout this time.

As has been mentioned counselling/therapy for your DIL but also for you and may be you DH. You have all had a shock, take your time and know you are the best judge of what you need and when.

Sounds like you are all doing a great job. Take Care of yourself as well as giving care to others and may you have the best possible out come in the future.

You are doing the right thing as is your husband. Be supportive by being there for them all. You will not change what has happened but You can certainly help to get tho vs back on track. You say your son suffers from OCD, not a lot of people understand that depression is all control or not being in control. This may be how your son is feeling, his life has changed with the baby and he probably has felt he can no longer be in control of everything. It will take time but with help he will adjust and come to realise he has a very caring family. You will all come throuvh this, be kind to yourself no-one, no-one is at fault.

You have all done so well supporting each other and getting help immediately. It may help your DIL to realise that her Husband's thinking is that of a person with OCD see below:

What are the signs of OCD in adults?
Common obsessive thoughts in OCD include:
Fear of being contaminated by germs or dirt or contaminating others.
Fear of losing control and harming yourself or others.
Intrusive sexually explicit or violent thoughts and images.
Excessive focus on religious or moral ideas.
Fear of losing or not having things you might need.

It is a big thing in this current difficult employment environment to be the wage earner with responsibility for supporting a family and it is a difficult transition to make to be a parent.

I do hope you can continue to support your son and DIL as you are doing and hope that with good therapy Son gets better. Hopefully where ever son is getting his help the therapist can explain that what he has said is not a personal criticism of her but a statement about how the illness makes him feel which as he knows that is not what he feels when he is well, means that he accepts that he is ill.

All the best for your future.

Can’t really add anything except support and sympathy and to reiterate what others have said that it’s not your fault or your sons fault. No one chooses to have mental health issues and from personal experience dealing with family members can be hard and frustrating, it sometimes feels like one step forward and two back. You sound as if you have a lovely family and I hope the support and encouragement on here will help you all. Keep in touch please.

First of all I admire how strong you are all being, your son is very lucky.
Hopefully you will give him the strength and an example of how to cope with life.
Your grandaughter will reach adulthood and he may face a major issue with her, she may need him to be as strong as you are being now.
I will tell you a little of my life to try and reassure you that however severe his OCD there is a way forward.

I have had severe OCD since I was a child, it became debilitating when I reached teenage and I was unable to cope with school because of the supposed contamination from the school environment.
I couldn't touch even a pen that had come into my home from the school and kept my uniform and bag in our garden shed.
Becoming a mother sent my anxiety sky high. The worst thing of many, many traits was fear of contamination from driving past my doctors surgery which was situated on the main road from our house.
I added a few miles to my regular trip into town and a few miles on the way back because I could not drive down the road where my GP surgery was.
.
Now a mother and grandmother I have lots of traits of OCD, it never goes away.
I learned to live with it and my husband lives with certain routines that he now finds normal .
My children see me as a bit odd but are now grown with their own lives so it is irrelevant to them.
I wish you all the success in the world with your family.
You may find that in the end your son will find the greatest help is to realise that he is now head of his own family and has to be strong for them.

I do have an element of anger towards my son and I know it isn't fair but I just wish he hadn't said some of the things to his wife that he has and just told me instead, My husband actually keeps reminding me that DS is ill and its not his fault, I didn't mean to make hubby sound unsympathetic as hes been a rock to us all he just gets frustrated that he doesn't have the answers to put this right.

Hi Jobey68,

What a shock for you, it takes time for you to get used to the situation and your own feelings before you can do anything. OCD can produce some really unpleasant thoughts and your Son must be relieved that he has a diagnosis. Your DIL must also be getting used to the situation in her own way, not easy when you also have a baby to deal with.

Both of my Son's have OCD and it has been a struggle, but there is always light at the end of the tunnel. One is married with a lovely child and the other is in a stable relationship, both of their respective partners are fully supportive and life goes on...we all rally with support if needed. The best thing I can advise is to get to know the illness and try to understand it and the type of OCD your Son has, that way it is easier to support, and to know you cannot cure it for him. Listening is a big help, but sometimes they do not want to talk and that is okay too.

Maybe your DIL can educate herself in time to support him, but it is important to also seek professional help for your Son,

Early days and baby steps, hopefully your grandchild will offer you all some comfort.

Wishing you all the very best....

p.s. Please don't be angry with him, it's his OCD talking and not him, I expect he has been very confused...

People with OCD tend to be highly critical of themselves and don't intentionally go out to upset others....

Thank you all so much for taking the time to reply and giving so much advice and understanding, it really means a lot to me and has helped me to get all this off my chest today. DIL talks openly to us and her family so has an outlet whenever she needs it, You are all right that we need to slow down and take things a step at a time.

DS has always shown obsessive traits which weve seen as part of his charm, his constant need for routine and structure and the compulsion to be brutally honest no matter what it is he has to tell us! so the signs were there i guess.

Onwards and upwards for now though, he starts CBT this week and is feeling keen to get going , thank you all again x

Had similar in our family two years ago. Son went to stay with his mother for six months. He has a high profile job. His wife left with new baby & toddler to look after with lots of help from her MIL. Glad to say after treatment they had a make or break holiday & are now a happy family unit once again. Hopefully same for you.

Hi Kikibee , I'm sorry you have had this with both of your sons, its such a bizzare illness to understand but knowledge is what really helps, OCD is so much more than constant handwashing , people have no idea!

He's had a good day today, been to clean the house while DIL was at work and filled the fridge, off his own back as it was something he wanted to do. ?

I'm so sorry. Mental illness can be devastating and the effects can sometimes be more serious than physical illness.

This is NOT your fault any more than it is your son's. You didn't cause this. Mental illness is no one's fault.

It's good that your son is getting help. You might find it helpful to do some research on OCD and learn about it for yourself.

I hope you dont mind me mentioning this but you say he has always had problems with change of routine, needs structure and is very literal and honest. These can be due to Aspergers, a form of Autism often well masked until a crisis. Just a thought.

Can I ask a question. Was he present at the birth.?

Hi Treacletoffee , yes we've have questioned these past few weeks looking back over the years if there hasn't always been something going on with him, just put it down to him being sensitive

Fluffy yes he was there , C section but he was present through out

Jobey68, I just want to tell you that my son had OCD for many years, beginning when he was 20. He was misdiagnosed and given strong medication which didn't help much. Most people think of OCD being like frequent handwashing, or repetitive actions, but this was in his mind only, and because of his young age it was thought to be due to drugtaking, which he hardly did anyway. I think he felt so guilty at having tried any drugs at all that he accepted that the mental torment had been caused by them.

After almost 20 years of suffering he worked out for himself what the problem really was. CBT was a big help for him, and he can cope with the thoughts which used to torment him. There is a shortage of CBT therapists, but I would suggest your son try it as soon as possible. My son would have been spared many years of torment if the doctors had recognised what his problem really was.