Family stresses

Please don’t get involved. There is probably far more going on in the marriage than you will know about.

Just be there if he needs your help, but don’t wade in with it unless asked.

It takes 2 to make a marriage work, so whilst I understand that your son is the apple of your eye ( as it should be) he might not be such a great husband. So don’t be too quick to jump on your DIL.

Thanks Oopsadaisy, good advice! This is one of the downsides of a family holiday where you get to spend a lot more time together, warts and all, very revealing! It was our treat but I might think twice about doing it again.
I just can't bear hearing her put DS down in public, cringeworthy. I never intervene, usually walk away to give them space. I agree it takes two and I know I'm biased, but I do think she is a bit of a 'bunny boiler' and control freak. He looks so unhappy and down trodden these days, gone very quiet and introverted which is unusual for him .
I just love getting words of wisdom on this site, thanks!

Wise advice to not get involved,we went through this 18mths ago with my DS2 and his wife he was heart broken at the thought of things not working out for them and I was devastated for him I gad never seen him cry since he was a child and it took me all my time to keep my thoughts to myself and not get involved but I sttod back and let it sort its self which it did,I'm glad I kept quiet as some words and thoughts cannot be taken back once said can they.They are now back on track and happy together.

excuse typo's fat finger syndrome to-day.

I understand how you are feeling aquafish, seeing loved-ones lives falling apart and feeling helpless. We are in a similar situation, DD’s relationship has hit the rocks, they intend to split, their two DD’s in the middle. Very heartening words from glammanana, hearing how her DS and his family have come through the other side. I find it very difficult to keep my trap shut, am itching to tell her partner what an arrogant, selfish knob he is being. Keep my trap shut I must.

Aquafish, I'm guessing from your post that there are two small children involved. Has your dil always been like this or is she maybe struggling with postnatal depression or something similar?

I do hope it can be worked out so everyone is happy.

It may be time to back away and let them get on with it. This is why I've never done things like going on holidays with my adult children - I would have hated that when I was a young mother / wife. Couples need to have time together, without the parents seeing and hearing everything.

It's never easy to see a breakup happen ( my son was dumped by Facebook announcement, and she took his two young children, so I do know what it's like to get that phone call). But you still have to stay out of it. My son got his children back, and he and I co-parent them these days AND get along civilly with his ex.....my secret was to keep right out of it and let him deal with everything.

I do feel for you, we are currently going through a bad time with DS and DIL it's so hard to keep from wading in to try and fix everything but the best advice is to support them and not to get more involved unless you are asked
My situation is a little different as my son isn't well and DIL is a diamond but with a little baby involved to it's so upsetting to seem them in turmoil.
The lovely folks here gave me such good advice yesterday about coping with it all, they really are great!

All the best to you and I'm happy to chat further anytime Xx

No help at all except I m going through a very tough time with an adult child’s family problems and it’s not easy xx
Love and care to us all

Very sound advice to not get involved! I know that as parents we tend to “side”with our own child whether DS or DD! However it does take two for a marriage to work and two when it doesn’t are also involved. You have to remember that you don’t see the whole picture and may not know things that have gone on.
I have found over the years that I would want to wade in but later having not done so was glad of it! Either because the couple have sorted the issues out or because other information had come to light that showed it wasn’t all it had first seemed.
You can’t know the build up of stuff between the couple before the holiday and you have to remember that your DS might behave differently with you around too! Plus I doubt if DS is alone in bring depressed and your DIL is probably deeply unhappy too.

Thank you all so much, so comforting to return from work this afternoon to receive all your words of wisdom. It really helps to hear other grans speak from the heart, this is where I miss my own mum's wise words. I'm sorry also to hear of all of you experiencing similar angst, which seems all too common these days.
I'm ready prepared now to listen attentively next time DS rings, offer words of support but of course no judgement They must sort that out for themselves, let's hope they do get back on track. My DIL is European and I dread the thought of DGC being taken home to be with her family. Fingers crossed it turns out well for them.

Stella1949 - I was very interested to read your take on family holidays and it certainly made me think - thank you. Both my DC have married Europeans and spend time abroad with the OGPs at least twice a year. This was just my attempt to offer a holiday so we too get to be grandparents for a week. Maybe need to rethink it, as I was alternating DD & DS's family each year. Perhaps Gran and granddad need to escape on our own instead ?!!

aquafish - we could be having the same thing, hoping not.
Already experienced it with the others.
All we can do is hope - and pray if that's what we believe in.

Me too, got a phone call yesterday.... offspring and DP.
DP has been having a lot of "me" time over the last few weeks and now wants 'space to find where they are in life"........

There was a difficult spell a couple of years ago and it seemed to have settled. Obviously not, more like brushed under the carpet, and now there is also a gorgeous baby in the mix who doesn't seem to be DP's priority while DP '"finds where they are in life".

As previously stated we probably don't know the half of what is going on and do know that our own offspring is not perfect.

But, oh dear, it is so worrying.

DP?

DP Dear/darling partner

Coolgran65 I know what you mean. When we were young mothers I feel that we really embraced the role and didn't expect to have a lot of "me time", or to "have space to find out where we were in life". We just got on with it.

Coolgran65 I feel your pain, currently going through similar with ES and DIL with little baby too, so hard but need to keep calm , be supportive and try not to wade in!
We all want them to sail off and live happily ever after but there appears to be no such luck!

It is always hard to know what happens when you are not there. I know that my DH occasionally puts me down when we are in public but would never do it at home where we have a much more relaxed and equal relationship. It is almost as though he needs to exert his independence. Very irritating but I have learnt to ignore it.

I do remember how hard life was when I was young, with four children. I hardly had any time for myself and he was often away working, sometimes for months. Today's young mothers expect more in terms of help and support than we were usually given, which I believe is right. There are bound to be faults on both sides, though a mother doesn't want to see that in her DS.

I agree with others, best to stay out of it. Of course it will be devastating for you all if their relationship breaks up, but involving yourself could make the situation worse.

Don't take sides, never criticize either to the other one, be there for either. Let them get on with it as much as poss, offer support when requested.

Perhaps bolstering both thier egos and give what practical /financial help you can .
Do not criticise .

Must be so hard and my heart goes out to you. Personally, because of the relationships I have, I would be able to speak to either of my sons in confidence, not to interfere, but to offer advice or support if/when needed. They clearly need marriage guidance of some sort as there seems to be a deep lack of respect, and not to mention the damage it could do to the children witnessing awful verbal attacks. So hope this resolves amicably for you.

I love my DIL but she can be quite controlling and when they had quite a few stressful things going on recently - builders in, finding a new school for DGC and work pressure, she was snapping at him quite a lot. I stood back - he probably wasn't helping as much as he should - i.e. stopping off for a quick pint on the way home to avoid the atmosphere! Eventually DIL told me that one of her friends had said something to her about not criticising him in public and she told me that she knew she was doing it but it was easier to take it out on him as he was nearest when she was over stressed. They are fine now - house sorted, school sorted and they managed a weekend away together. It is agony to see you child going through something like this, but as everyone else has said the only thing to do is to hold back and be there if needed. With two small children they will surely both try and make this work.

I should imagine that if you were all away on a family holiday, things were a bit like being in a pressure cooker and would have highlighted any tensions. It might have been that your DIL felt under more pressure so took it out on your son. Not ideal behaviour but probably quite common. Maybe she didn't want to be there but felt she didn't have a choice so that made her a bit more antsy.