Family stresses

Aquafish - I could have written your post! Almost an identical situation and it’s heartbreaking isn’t it. My dil puts my son down in public at every opportunity and it’s SO hard to keep your trap shut - but shut it must stay. I just wish my dil could tell me what’s going on instead of pretending when we’re all together that everything is hunky dory. We see and hear and we’re far from stupid. My son does confide in me, but yes, I’ve only got his side to the story which sounds intolerable. He doesn’t want the marriage to end as he loves her dearly but it sounds like she’s fallen out of love with him. So zip trap shut we must and just be there to pick up the pieces at the end. It’s a volcano waiting to erupt with 2 small children in the middle. So horribly sad. I’m with you Aquafish ?❤️

I echo other posters' advice to stand back and say nothing.

I stepped in after I thought DD's boyfriend was bullying her, and I still have my concerns. I thought it was resolved but, 3 years later, and my relationship with DD and hers with the family is damaged. We have not seen her for a year, nor have her siblings or friends, and she ghosted us for 6 months. Things are better now but there is a long way to go.

I don't think I was wrong about him actually, but I was stupid to take sides. However, the maternal instinct to protect can be very strong!

I'm so sorry that you are going through this. It's not an easy thing to stand by and be a witness to your adult child's marital troubles. As hard as it may be, the only way you can help is by being a quiet observer and remaining neutral. Remember, no marriage is perfect. Many marriages endure...even those in perpetual turmoil.

Common wisdom tells us the first seven years are supposed to be the crucial ones. The same source of wisdom also tells us not to meddle in someone's marital spats.

You can be very supportive if he comes to you for advice or asks for your help.

Heartfelt thanks to everyone who has taken the time to read my post and respond with your words of wisdom, so comforting to read, I've read every one - some of them twice! I agree with all you say, and feel prepared now to listen and react appropriately next time DS phones. Sadly DIL has gone to ground since that awful public scene, no goodbyes, or response to texts since, a very sad situation that I can only be patient with. The longer the silence goes on the harder it's going to be to break the ice and move on. I'm here when she feels ready. Thanks again everyone!

Let them get on with it. You can only be there for him for support, as others have pointed out.

He made the wrong choice by the sound of it, and will hopefully do better next time!

My son had similar, though not married and no children between them ( she had an adorable son). She was venomous in her language, however, he restrained himself as he didn’t want to be like her. He lost everything and was in debt due to a joint business that was her dream, but him financing it. He ended up living with us, until he gets himself straight and we have been emotional and financial support. We have never, got ourselves involved any further than that and I think it would be wise if you didn’t, especially it there are Grandchildren involved.

aquafish,
I too would like to reiterate the good advice to stay neutral! You clearly feel this is the way to go, as you have done a sterling job of keep your feelings under wraps so far....

It is so hard though, watching a loved one going through a difficult time. You have my sympathy.

There is nothing to stop you showing non verbal support for each of them.
An unexpected hug/smile, or treat, can show more support when given at the appropriate time than words sometimes!

Best wishes

This is a tricky one. Try not to interfere - it is hard, but if you have concerns for your son s wellbeing have a quiet word if you can, but non judgement ally. I went through this with my own son, who I recognised was under enormous strain, but in denial that they/he were coping, with disastrous consequence for him and his children. Tread carefully and gently but resolutely if you have concerns for your DGC

Just to reiterate all that has been said, support your son but stay neutral. No-one know what goes on in a marriage apart from the couple and both of them have their own take on it, the truth being somewhere in the middle.

If you stay neutral then if they resolve their differences and continue the marriage you will be thanked for being supportive and non judgmental. If the marriage ends then you will still be on speaking terms with your DL and so hopefully make it easier to maintain contact with your GC. I speak from personal experience. I wish you well.

Good advice travelsofar. My MIL and I didn’t meet or speak for over 20 years (although she still saw DH and the kids) due to her criticism of my skills as a parent? not wanting to stop her seeing DGC or son we agreed that they would visit her at home or out and did so until the DGC were old enough to make their own visits! It was a shame but she hated me from the start and I couldn’t bear to see her but tried to be fair minded?

Please dont get involved, i did to my cost i now see my son very rarely, the grandchildren even less and DIL never. All over voicing a concern, not a critism, just a concern, how i wish i could turn back the clock. It has caused the issue of the rift between us radiating out into the family. My sister says its because i spoke the truth and it touched a nerve but it is me that is suffering not DIL.

aquafish What sounds like verbally aggression to you may to someone on her side sound like her try to get him to respond or to step up.
There is nothing to gain by you getting involved unless it is to support them both and that does not look possible. Make it clear that you will look after the children as often as you are able but otherwise bite your tongue and stand back.
Doing nothing is often the hardest things to do but often the best. I cannot see what comments you could make that would help or be taken in the way intended.

I am maried to a European but we met and lived most of our life in UK but with some periods in his country due to work commitments. My mother died before I met him and we had to depend on one another. But this meant there were no in laws to have to please except when we or they visited for a holiday or the periods we were living here. Now we are both retired we live in my husbands country but have lots of Internation friends.

I do know the cultural differences can be very difficult and going on holiday with you could have been stressful for your DIL. Latin families are very close in a different way to us and I think your DIL could be missing her family support especially having young children. Does she have any friends from her own country, as this can be very supportive. We use to have a group called " I am married to a .............." where we had a moan and a laugh about living here which helped alot. I also found I have more in common with others whose husbands are from here rather than a British couple. Even my daughter who lived abroad as a child finds it easier to get on with people with the same experience.

Maybe they will try counselling.

Nothing you say will make any difference. They will make their own decisions and choices.
Please just be there to support them both. Help them out by enabling them to have special time together either as a family or just the two of them. ?

You gransnetters are amazing. Your advice in this situation and many others is wonderful! I agree with all of you who say don't interfere, just be there if and when needed.

Hmm! Perhaps you could step back and look at what is going on for your DiL for a minute.

I am not condoning your DiL behaviour however there are 2 sides to every story.

There are so many permatations that could be going on. As others have said keep out of it.

You don't want to make an enemy of DiL or your son as whilst she is being outwardly difficult you don't know what is going on behind closed doors.

Doing this in public if it is a new thing for her speaks of someone needing help.

I know cos towards the end of my first marriage I could be snappy in public with the ex. The ex was violent and abusive and I was worn down by the years.

Now I am not saying that is what is happening here. I am trying to say there are 2 sides to every story.

Your DiL will be tired also as most today mom's have to return to work. With running a home, work etc D'S may not he pulling his weight.

There is his side if the story, her side and the truth is usually in the middle somewhere.

Perhaps have a chat with her also. No comments. Just listen where you can and keep out of it both sides. Let her know you care by asking how she is first. Help her feel included

Good luck

don't interfere

I am so sorry aquafish. They never cease to be a worry and when there are grandchildren the worries just multiply. We have to keep out of it for the sake of future relations but I know it is hard. Sending you best wishes.

I've only read your first post so apologies if I'm repeating stuff said by other gransnetters

There's always two sides to the story. Your sons interpretation, your DIL's interpretation and somewhere in the middle the truth.

Best to keep out of it and as I'm sure you will, be there for both parents and your grandchildren if they decide to seperate.

Say nothing! I might even pretend I didn't notice the bad atmosphere. Sending all good wishes to you and your family. It's hard seeing unhappiness in those you love ....

I should imagine that if you were all away on a family holiday, things were a bit like being in a pressure cooker and would have highlighted any tensions. It might have been that your DIL felt under more pressure so took it out on your son. Not ideal behaviour but probably quite common. Maybe she didn't want to be there but felt she didn't have a choice so that made her a bit more antsy.

I love my DIL but she can be quite controlling and when they had quite a few stressful things going on recently - builders in, finding a new school for DGC and work pressure, she was snapping at him quite a lot. I stood back - he probably wasn't helping as much as he should - i.e. stopping off for a quick pint on the way home to avoid the atmosphere! Eventually DIL told me that one of her friends had said something to her about not criticising him in public and she told me that she knew she was doing it but it was easier to take it out on him as he was nearest when she was over stressed. They are fine now - house sorted, school sorted and they managed a weekend away together. It is agony to see you child going through something like this, but as everyone else has said the only thing to do is to hold back and be there if needed. With two small children they will surely both try and make this work.

Must be so hard and my heart goes out to you. Personally, because of the relationships I have, I would be able to speak to either of my sons in confidence, not to interfere, but to offer advice or support if/when needed. They clearly need marriage guidance of some sort as there seems to be a deep lack of respect, and not to mention the damage it could do to the children witnessing awful verbal attacks. So hope this resolves amicably for you.

Perhaps bolstering both thier egos and give what practical /financial help you can .
Do not criticise .

Don't take sides, never criticize either to the other one, be there for either. Let them get on with it as much as poss, offer support when requested.

It is always hard to know what happens when you are not there. I know that my DH occasionally puts me down when we are in public but would never do it at home where we have a much more relaxed and equal relationship. It is almost as though he needs to exert his independence. Very irritating but I have learnt to ignore it.

I do remember how hard life was when I was young, with four children. I hardly had any time for myself and he was often away working, sometimes for months. Today's young mothers expect more in terms of help and support than we were usually given, which I believe is right. There are bound to be faults on both sides, though a mother doesn't want to see that in her DS.

I agree with others, best to stay out of it. Of course it will be devastating for you all if their relationship breaks up, but involving yourself could make the situation worse.