Daughter's father died when she was 10

muffinthemoo, no, we didn't clash over how the granddaughters should be parented, just how daughter was parented, which was hard for me as I was a single parent then, and maybe she's afraid I'll try the same with her daughters! That being, her being taken to church and Sunday School until she announced she didn't believe in God! After which I didn't push the issue, even though it was sad for me as a Christian.

I don’t want to read something into those email snippets that isn’t there, but did you and daughter have a clash of views over how the granddaughters should be parented?

Just those snippets of email make it sound like there’s some context or an ongoing conflict about something specific there.

My condolences too retrO
While I think your daughter should be more sensitive to how you may be feeling after your bereavement, nevertheless she does seem to be holding out an olive branch of a sort.
I am rarely 100% honest when the DDs ask how I am (unless they have caught me mid- tears) because it is too easy to slip into the habit of complaining or even moaning. Yes you have plenty to “moan” about so I do not wish to sound unkind, but I do everything I can to pin a smile on my face, appear as confident and independent as I can because I can remember how my heart sometimes used to sink when I rang my dear Mum and came off the phone more miserable than when I started.
My lovely MIL said, after losing FIL, “No one likes a moaning Minnie and they will run and hide when they see you coming”
So please do not take this the wrong way but can you make a conscious effort to be cheerful and uncomplaining, to appear as if you are coping and so be better company. If being honest doesn’t win any sympathy you may need to brush up on your acting skills.
And if it really is hard going staying with them, think of a Travelodge or Airbnb so that you have your own space.

Retro gran, it seems your daughter does want to see you, but she thinks you come over as complaining. I couldn't do that journey, it sounds as if it's getting too much and tires you out, however, if you do go just be happy to see them, fit in with what they want for a short time and offer no advice or criticism. To expect a room to be left unoccupied when you only use it once or twice a year is unreasonable. Only give what what you want to, then forget it. I wanted to help mine out, they were hardworking and I was in a position to give a little help, because a lot of parents want to but can't. They like it where they live and you like it where you are so compromises have to be made. Sorry about the loss of your husband, I know is hard it is.

Well, jenpax, I go there to see my granddaughters. In an email yesterday she said 'parenting is about listening and guiding, not controlling. Of course you can see the girls. Maybe you can get to know them if you get down to their level' (whatever that means! ) 'They have great little hearts and personalities' (I know that!!) And maybe try to stop moaning and complaining for one god dam day. We all have issues.' Not much understanding what its like to be growing old!!

Well, current thinking is to not have depressing people in your life.
Easier said than done, though, I know.

Hi jenpax, I've tried counselling and family meditation, but they just say you can't change people, only yourself, and I should keep complimenting her if she does something nice, eg buying me a wheelchair! When we talk she tells me she felt badly treated as a child, eg taken to church and Sunday School, which she rejected at age 14. Its what we do in N Ireland, and once she said she didn't want it I didn't force it. She hates northern Ireland and all it stands for. It has its problems but I'm happy there. I just like to visit them once or twice a year. Or sometimes she comes here with one child, which works ok, and I'd be happy with that as an alternative. But the criticism depresses me. My second husband just died in January too.

I feel there is a large part of this puzzle missing! I am struggling to understand why your daughter is so hostile around birthdays and your attendance, there must be other factors at play. You say talking about it leads to rows where she just ends up rubbishing you. What does she say? I feel there are unresolved issues between you leading to this unpleasant situation. My advice is to suggest a family mediator if you and she still want to try to maintain contact. I find it hard to understand why you still visit her given her hostility and the distance?

What the everloving.

This relationship sounds so odd on her side. Not that I am in any way encouraging this, but I don’t understand why she doesn’t just cut off or drastically limit contact if she really doesn’t want you around and apparently can’t hide it.

I notice she was happy to take your money though.

Also just reading your travel plans made me feel exhausted. No wonder you are not in good nick by the time you get there.

jenpax, yes, I have tried to have conversations with her about this, and it always ends up with a row and me being rubbished. When I first said mobility was a problem, she bought me a wheelchair, then got annoyed when I said I wasn't at that stage yet and I had a rollator. She said that would be too slow, and I said, well I'll start out 15 minutes before you and you can catch up. The last birthday I was at she gave me a job to name and hand out water bottles to each child, which I did, then her SIL sat and talked to me and DH told me later she PAID SIL to keep me occupied! Later she said I was a health and safety hazard at a party, though I felt I was in a position to watch and prevent accidents, and even treat any accidents as I am a registered nurse. I don't understand how she can be so hateful!

I am wondering about the getting in the way and nuisance comments? what exactly has your daughter said about this? Having a mobility issue which requires a rollator is not especially onerous in itself it doesn’t sound as if you need a huge amount of equipment which takes up space for example.
How are you supposed to be a nuisance? Have you actually sat down and discussed this with her?

muffinthemoo, thanks for your interest. I travel to London by plane, using the assistance option, and usually bring a rollator for walking distances in London. I've done it so often I know how to manage. From Heathrow I take the tube to Hounslow East, where I can get a taxi the rest of the journey, a friend may meet me with her car, or walk to the bus station where I get a bus that stops outside my daughter's house. My family are too busy to meet me at the airport or tube station, and just suggest a taxi. Birthdays are a sore spot because I have been banned to go to them. Apparently I am a nuisance. I gave them the same amount I gave my sons around the same time, for a house or to pay off a bank debt. Its what you do. I have money from my husband's life insurance.

How are you managing the travel from NI to London if domestic stairs are too much for you?

Either the ferry then train/bus or the plane must be a complete nightmare.

Why are birthdays in particular a sore spot?

Did you give them a lot of money towards the house? If so, why? What were your expectations when you gave this money?

I can’t believe you expect them to keep a room for your use when you only visit twice a year?
How about a Travelodge or Airbnb when you want to visit if there really isn’t room for You?
TBH this sounds as is it goes a whole lot deeper and other than venting here, which you are welcome to do, I don’t know what anybody can add.

www.gransnet.com/forums/food/1249860-Dinner-time-probs
Retr0gran - was this post not from you or is there someone else with same username? Criticism of children for eating slowly is implied.

Never mind. Apparently there's an au pair so hopefully she can sort out the problems.

Agnurse, the plan was never to go and live with them in London. I live in N Ireland, and only visit about twice a year. The problem is that I have Rheumatoid arthritis and there is no understanding of how it affects me. If you have a problem , google it, is the answer.

Elegran, I don't think that was me posting about not stopping the car for a child to pee pee.

Blencathra, I have never criticised the GC!

Mawbroon, I think there .might be a connection. She adored her dad, he died v suddenly, maybe I didn't manage her well, but she seems to hate me now.

Oopsadaisy53, yes, same person, and I do wonder if there is a connection. I had no backup support when bringing up 3 kids on my own, she obv worshipped her Dad and there was no counselling for bereaved children then.

Don’t quite understand the relevance of the thread title or what it has to do with anything.

Crazyann, what history do you want? I'm just new to this site. Was there a place to add a history?

Sorry, unexpected visitor, followed by a holiday, back home now!

Awwww....poor little thing...I hope she did a weewee on the car seat....on second thoughts, I hope she didn't. Can you imagine what would have happened if she did ?