Feeling used, feeling guilty

Speak to otherwise your feelings might boiler over and you might lose all of them.

Dont feel guilty you have a life as well .minhave grandchildren and look after them when I can but still working full time in childcare job so I think theybknow my limitations . Texting migh nit have been the answer but at least you've made that step of compromise. Good luck to you and watch your health.

Texting is the normal method of communication these days, so I don't think there was anything wrong at all in what you did. DD won't have taken offence I'm sure. As for the other matter, surely the other dgps could take their turn at hosting the dgds? They might be delighted to do so.

I have to agree with Bridgeit and JanaNana: some of the views expressed here are really rather judgemental and odd. I would hope that looking after your grandchildren (if you are able to) should be a pleasure, not an obligation leaving you feeling over burdened: that's too much. I certainly don't think that any grandparent should feel that they have to say yes to every request for care for fear that they might be denied seeing their GC if they don't.
As for expressing a view on the ex husband's responsibilities, if you are involved enough to be constantly asked to provide care, then you surely have a right to comment on his support, or lack of it.

nannapat1 no no grandparent should have to feel that but enough threads on here show that they need to think about it carefully!

I think it's incredibly cheeky to make arrangements to go away for a whole week beforeasking you if you would or could manage to have the GC.
IMO you did exactly the right thing in texting that you expect her ex to take some responsibility. The other GPs could help out too.
Stick to your guns whilst reassuring your GC that you love them to bits but are not in the best of health and want mum to share their care with their father and other GPs.
Good luck

Not all GC 'go off to uni'. It's an excuse to drink to excess and act irresponsibly, often in the pursuit of degrees of litte value.

To be fair, the other GPsdo - but my daughter had words with them last week because her ex f.i.l. accused her of putting her job before her kids - so she told me she was not going to ask them to have the kids - she was cutting her nose to spite her face, well, my face really?- her ex hardly contributes - he doesn’t earn much and has another woman and child- so basically, I am the fall guy- and now she has got off on her high horse- much as I adore my gc i’m not going to let her use me / perhaps she has already made childcare plans for next week when she goes to France (for her friend’s wedding)-

When I married my second husband aged 30 I told him there would be no children and he agreed. Seven years later I came off the Pill against my better judgment and my darling son was born soon after. Most ladies don't give it much thought if you ask me. I thought my life would be over. No more holidays, cinema etc. Now at 66 I do all that and sometimes sharing it with my lovely son and his girlfriend and my husband.

Yes, us grans can easily be taken advantage of.

My Dd certainly would if I let her. I am nearly 73, and just can’t manage more than a few hours looking after dgs.
Even that tires me out.

It awful to think that we are being used by our AC, but it’s up to us to create boundaries. I have had to do this for the sake of my health.
Only do what you are capable and willing to do.
I also feel guilty if I say no, but we have to occasionally.

My AD and I talk a lot by text, and yes there is the occasional misunderstanding but a quick phone call usually solves that. I also am the only grandparent so get all the joys that brings.
I am also the only one who babysit as the 12 yr old is autistic, and the youngest, at 6 1/2 yes, has multiple life threatening allergies.
I do school pickup at least once a week and often childcare during the school holidays.
However I do not hesitate to say 'No' if I have a prior commitment and my daughter has learnt to ask if I'm free to childcare, often 6-9 months in advance.
CrazyH I think you did the right thing in telling your daughter that you weren't available, and I see nothing wrong in suggesting that your daughter speak to her ex. She might not have considered that as an option.
Feeling guilty is normal, especially when you put yourself first, but don't let that guilt stop you, also don't 'second guess' your decision.
Not having your GC for one night, or one week, isn't going to stop them loving you, and your daughter will appreciate you more when you do babysit/childcare.

going to University is an excuse to drink to excess and act irresponsibly really?

I’ll tell my nieces who are Nurses, my Sister in Law who is a Headmistress, and the other professional people in our family who worked hard to get a worthwhile degree.

crazyH.... I know exactly what you mean but I won't be taken advantage of...even if it means somebody taking umbrage...I have had it all, the emotional blackmail the lot. I just stick to my guns because after all...I am not super human. I would suggest you do what you can and say a resounding NO to what doesn't suit! I know mine always come running back but even if they didn't I am not sure I would be blackmailed in any way. I've brought up 6 kids and now got loads of grandchildren....I love them all but am not going to be at everyone's beck and call so sometimes we fall out! I just say "OK... phone me when you are in a better frame of mind" In the meantime, get on with my own life.

My parents were NEVER so involved in bringing up my kids...I wouldn't have expected it but this generation seem to think they have an automatic right to feel grandparents are part and parcel of the child rearing! They don't seem to appreciate that they cannot continue with life as if they haven't got any children and 'mum' will sort it! NO... set boundaries is my advice. BTW...I love helping where I want to and where I can...but enough is enough lol

Daisy I have to agree. That was rather a sweeping statement from GG!!

Yes she’s asssuming you will pick up pieces at last minute, and no she shouldn’t. But you do need a face to face talk. I wish I had had a mum to do as much as you did. She needs to understand that.

Well said Oopsadaisy53. My daughter has a nursing degree and her partner is a paediatrician. Both work hospital shifts and with a 2yr old and 4yr old struggle with child care. Even with nursery and preschool they can need before and after care. My daughter works 0700-1930 or 1900-0730! My ex and I do as much as we can but at 71 on my own I find it exhausting! I do see their shifts a month in advance so can say if something will be difficult. It is however precious time with my little ones and it is appreciated. I do spend more time on my own with the children than I do with them as a family which I sometimes find hard.

Could it be that it is the children who are pressuring their mother to let them come to stay with you rather than with their Dad or his parents. It can't be that they have no opinion on the matter.
Actually they don't a lot of looking after at that age. They should be able to look after themselves for a week.And get themselves to school and do their homework.

You have only to watch the news to see what children that age are able to do.

Tell your daughter to leave them and you keep in touch with them. You all have your mobiles.

I would love to have GDS (14) and DGD (almost 16) to stay. Both are quite self-sufficient and are capable of cooking a good meal - even clearing it up as long as there's a dishwasher! They have a few hours a week working in a chippy, but for the next few weeks will be at Army Cadet summer camp. I know teenagers do vary, but I'm happy about these two. Other GS, who is almost 13, might be another matter!

Re: communication in this day and age, texts are used by the younger generations much more than are phone conversations. I'm quite sure that texting your message to DD was not wrong to do. In the eyes of her generation, it was a very natural and fast method of communicating something important as quickly as possible. I doubt that DD will withhold your grandchildren from you, for that would be cutting her nose off to spite her face. She needs you for many other times/situations besides this trip overseas. And why couldn't she have ASKED you if you would be up to doing this enormous favor???? She knows how old you are and what your health situation is. It's one thing to pitch in when there is an emergency. It's another to be expected to pitch in when it's just for DD's fun, such as going on an overseas vacation. She can hire a babysitter for a week through an agency if her ex won't step up to the plate and the other grands are "too busy". You need to take care of your own mental health as well as your physical health. Just my two cents.........:-)

You absolutely should not see them if you dont want to.
But why comment on the dad. Hes a rubbish parent its clear but what can she do about it?
Shes a single mother trying to support her children while her ex does nothing. Its hard.

It sounds as if she needs to make up with the other GPs. They probably don’t want to lose touch with their DGC either. And what if something should happen to you? Flu, or something to prevent you having them at the last minute. Does she have a fall back plan

I completely disagree with agnurse and you came across as very disrespectful. Crazyh has every right to send a text and her daughter is taking absolute liberties. As this is her ex sil she is entitled to her opinion. Some people are very judgemental.

Not all GC 'go off to uni'. It's an excuse to drink to excess and act irresponsibly, often in the pursuit of degrees of litte value.

Of course not everybody goes to Uni but I dont think sweeping generalisations help any body.

Recent research has shown that this generation of students drink far less and are less likely to take drugs than the generation before them and the fees of £9,000 a year have focussed minds on making sure the degree they get is worth the money.

Maybe she feels that you personally are the best person to look after her children. I'm sure she'd be surprised to hear you feel this way. Do be careful how you approach the subject, you could end up never seeing them.