Feeling used, feeling guilty

Don't feel guilty about saying no but do get in touch and have a proper face to face heart tot heart. So much can be misinterpreted in a text and it's so impersonal. Face to face it's easier to judge what you might an say without causing bad feeling. If you are close to your daughter she will want to know how you are feeling and there may be things you don't know. When you think about something for too long without discussing it things can get out of,proportion.

Oh dear! Why do we fire off texts in the heat of the moment? You would have thought by our age we would have learned some people skills.

Mightn’t it have been wiser to simply ask if it’s just for the one night?

I’d suggest you text again saying something like ‘ignore my last text, you caught me at a bad moment. Feeling a bit grumpy. Was it just the one night you wanted me to have the boys? I can probably manage that. Xxx’

Agnurse- You have a very TELLING approach. This blog is supposed to be helpful with positive suggestions. None of us know everything about every situation that is written about. We don't know the individuals concerned. It can be very appropriate to stand up and say no if you feel taken advantage of and while face to face my be the best thing to do if you arent seeing the person or you find it difficult to raise the issue a text is OK. Why do we feel so guilty for saying what we believe is right...and so what if she suggested her daughters ex could play a bigger part- its her daughter! do we really have to watch what we say with everyone- i have had to with my DIL for 13 years and its awful! So crazyH please dont feel guilty and if you can, do try a heart to heart . Yes mu guess is there is a man on the scene however your daughter still has a responsibility towards you and your well being. The teenagers will be fine no doubt they adore you too!

I think you need to have the conversation about them being old enough to look after themselves more. My GS 17 can look after himself but his sister 14 is visually impaired and autistic so my daughter can never leave her. Presumably yours don’t have special needs? As for the trip to France, I’d book a short trip away for myself that week and be unavailable and make your DD face up to her responsibilities.

Thanks all......very helpful replies.....I took great comfort from Jefm's comments "if you aren't seeing the person or you find it difficult to raise the subject a text is ok" and "do we really have to watch what we say with everyone". Too right!
She has not contacted me since. Quite frankly, I'm not going to make the first move. If my text has upset her that much, then I will have to conclude that she really doesn't care that much for me.
Yes, there is a new man on the scene. They are having their first proper date this evening....he is going to her place and he is going to cook her a meal. She told me this last week.
Hope he is nice and they get along well.

Crazy - Bear in mind that it is likely that in 2 or 3 years your GC’s lives will have changed a great deal. You will possibly then see very little of them.
For now explain to them that you need a bit of looking after now, they may surprise you by rising to the challenge.
You’ve enabled your daughter to take advantage, the message in your text is, perhaps, a long time overdue. I do feel it’s probably a mistake to mention GC’s father and his parents, not up to you.
For over 10 years I gave up my weekends - Friday afternoon to sometimes Monday morning - to care for a GC. I was often tired and stressed but did my best. Now I have my weekends back but I miss that GC’s company so much.
Everything passes with time.

Your relationship with your two GD's is the first step. Do they run rings around you ?ie want to go out of an evening. bring their friends around, stay up late when you want to lock up and go to bed ? if the answer is yes to ANY of these issues then NO I do not think you should have this responsibility. You must have a face to face with your daughter so think of yourself. Clearly you are in doubt as to whether you can cope with these demands of D or you wouldn't have put the question to GN. If you don't do it now then it will go on and on. Ask yourself what happens when your 15 and 16 year olds get to 17 and 18.?I would not question D as to where she is going what she is doing as the issue is why is it you are the one she comes to and why cannot others share the responsibility ?If she cannot see your point and you upset her then tough She will come 'round' they usually do but your health comes first.What would she do if you became ill?
Put this to her. Who would look after GD's then while she was away doing what she wanted to do.?

Possibly she may be taking you for granted because it just hasn't occurred to her that you might be feeling put upon. Easy to assume you are happy with the situation if you have never objected before. Maybe she even assumes you enjoy the company. Perhaps you should send her another text saying you were sorry if your original sounded a bit harsh, but that you are finding it too hard looking after them so much. Hope it all works out for you.

Bridgeit. You have hit the nail on the head with your post. Looking after our grandchildren willingly and being appreciated is one thing....taken advantage of and feeling used is completely another. Your daughter may have fallen out with her ex..and her in laws, but does that make you the person who has to look after them whenever she thinks you should...it would be polite and courteous of her to ask and not automatically assume this.
At 15 & 16 it should,nt be too difficult for their father to take some responsibility for his own children...hardly like asking him to have a couple of toddlers is it.
Stick to your guns...you have other grandchildren as well as these two and should be able to enjoy them all without all the stress and worry this situation seems to be causing.

CrazyH .Read you last comments. Her lack of response to your text confirms to me how selfish your daughter is and that text hit the nail on the head.It is upsetting for you to know that she has been using you and D's silence confirms it. Most certainly let D make the first move.

I think all grown up children take advantage. Nothing malicious intended. I think your daughter is comfortable leaving her children with you (and she trusts you), and as you have done it in the past, its easy for her to just come straight to you. Maybe have a proper conversation with her (text and email can be misconstrued), you don't want her, our your precious grandchildren thinking you don't want them.
One of the problems is our children don't comprehend that we are getting older, you get tired, and you're not 30 any more.
On a final comment we have to give what we want to give and can't make others step up to the mark...there loss.
I hope you get the situation sorted out, so everyone is happy x

Mormor what is your point? If it is a "veiled criticism" of CrazyH it seems rather unfair, but maybevI am misreading it?

I am 74 too and despite trying to lead a healthier lifestyle I have found that my energy and patience levels have dropped dramatically since turning 70. If you try to do too much you will eventually make yourself ill and you have said that you are not in the best of health. You are clearly being a wonderful mother to your daughter by putting her at the top of your list of priorities and doing all the childcare she needs. I don’t want this to come across as harsh as I don’t know the circumstances but is your daughter doing the same by her children? If the time away needing extra childcare on your part is to further her career thus giving her and her children a better future then I would do all I could to support her but if it is for her to have a better social life then I would think twice.

I think you need to follow up the text with a long conversation in which you explain how you are feeling and the state of you health. Above all else please don’t feel guilty about saying no as sometimes it needs to be said for everybody’s sake.

CrazyH you seem quite angry with your daughter "mean business" "first move" etc. My instincts are that your anger is about more than this incident but only you can know that. Please please be careful that this doesn't escalate to "not speaking"/Cut off/estrangement. You seem to be determined to stubbornly "not give in" ....does your daughter also have that trait too? If so it is a recipe for disaster in situations like this! And as there is so much potential for further upset, then please please leave to your daughter the problem of organising childcare/finding solutions, without commenting, and just focus on your own needs to her ie you just cant manage to do so much anymore! Tho advice is meant kindly!

Why does your DD think she has a right to depend on you for looking after her children so much. Has she considered looking for a job that doesn't take her away from home. The children are her responsibility, not yours. Obviously you want to have a good relationship with gc. However the way things are you may well end up resenting them. Your daughter needs to address her responsibilities.

I imagine your daughter has always seen you as the rock on which she can depend ,and probably simply didn't pick up on the resentment you feel towards her. I really hope this situation does not escalate . Probably best for us all to contact Gransnet before dashing off texts rather than after!

Lucky you flexible friend I left my 15 (nearly 16 year old) daughter and a friend at my house while I took her two much younger sisters camping for a weekend, in countryside 20 mins away! There was a neighbour checking in with them and their father popped in once a day too, meals were prepared and only had to be heated up.
I have recently been accused by her (now an adult) of negligence in doing so? seems you can’t win?

crazyH your daughter texted you and you replied, stick to your guns! Don't make it too easy for her too always rely on you.

Your daughter is being inconsiderate and certainly not accepting that you are on your own, 74 and not in the best of health, be firm, stand by what you have said and definitely don't feel guilty.

Hi crazyH

I'm with you all the way. I disagree with other posters who suggest texting isn't perhaps the right medium for your response. Your daughter thought it ok to use it as the way to connect with you to ask so why not respond that way if it's the family method of communication. You've done the right thing. There are times when you need to put yourself first, it would be ridiculous for anyone to consider that a refusal to help on an occasion sends a message about your feelings for your grandchildren. Also I don't think you've done anything wrong in suggesting the children's father steps up or at the very least takes some responsibility for arranging alternative care. That's what families do - they suggest, they voice their thoughts and why on earth shouldn't you state the obvious in this regard? Hang on in there and I wish you well with your health and your seniors group, hope you are having some fun. x

I don't think you have done anything wrong at all. Unless you have a very formal relationship with your daughter, and that is not the impression I get, you are well within your rights to ask why the children's father is shirking his responsibilities and to suggest that the grandchildren spend some time with the other grandparents.

Phone your daughter as others have suggested and explain the position. If she blows up - that just can't be helped, can it? Frankly, a mother of a fifteen and sixteen year old may need a week's holiday on her own, but she cannot possibly expect to get it, or indeed should want it, if she has not made reasonable arrangements as to where her children are to stay.

My blood runs cold at the very thought of what unsupervised 15 - 16 year olds can and probably will get up to.

When the GC come to stay, tell them that at your age you are not as strong as you used to be (as their mother is) and that you need them to help. They know you love them, and I am sure they love you, so rope them in preparing meals, making beds, cleaning bathroom etc.

I think you're wonderful, crazyH ! Grandchildren are hard work and expensive , so you've done well all this time .
Maybe now a wee bit tired and needing time to yourself , the kids will soon be up and away and you've helped them on their flight . Having said all this , what does your daughter do for childcare this summer - maybe one more year of your excellent help , they won't need you next year . Big hugs and a medal for being a strong loving support !

Sorry but I’m a bit lost here, I don’t think that this should be a daughter problem, but more of a spending time with your GCs ‘problem’ unless they are a real handful, then that’s a different ball game.
If I sat and thought about it, I and my DH have probably been ‘taken advantage’ of, but who cares? It meant and still means that we get to spend lots of time with our GCs who are still a delight to be with, the children love coming here to stay and for us that’s the main thing, they always say that it’s their holiday too.

It won’t be too long until they are off to University and we probably won’t see much of them.

As grantante says, get them to help around the house, my GD is making cakes as we speak and GS is tidying the sitting room, although I use the term loosely! Surely it’s nice to have them to stay?

I'm not really clear whether your daughter has fallen out with her ex inlaws crazyH? They might love the idea of looking after the GC but never be given the opportunity.

Personally I love looking after the GC when asked - DIL and her mother works full-time but I can be around when needed. Typically I'll do half-term or pick up after school for a few days, but I live a long way away so it is not a regular event and I stay in their house for a while which is easier.

I do very much enjoy seeing them. I'm only in my mid sixties and in good health, but I am on my knees by the end of the week!

Sorry crazyH I should have also said that you are quite right not to want to be landed with the GC for a week if you don't feel up to it. And if your daughter contacted you by text there is nothing wrong with responding by text.
Looking after the GC should not need to be a chore. If that is what it has become then something must change. Its a shame that your daughter is not asking somebody to share the load with you.

Who knows but one day your daughter might feel the same about being the only one getting asked to help look after you, and love you as she does she might feel the same.

Just the same I'd be telling her you're feeling your age/health a bit recently with these more frequent and longer visits and you don't want to let her down, and do love the g/kids to death but you simply don't always feel up to it.

OR do what these kids call chilling out. Just tell them they might want to do teenage stuff but you want to Grandma stuff. You don't have to entertain them....or make the tea....or drive them to places, unless you feel like it.