How can I comfort her?

Just coming at this from another perspective.....I was once the DD in this position, and my mother made her views known in no uncertain terms, directly to my H at one stage!
We "tried again" and made it work(ish) for another 28 years before I finally threw in the towel, but they were three decades of family strife. He never forgave my mother, and I never confided in her again.

Having your say just isnt worth the fallout, OP. As so many others have said: vent here!

I wonder why Cyril didn't go round and slap the neighbour.
Not much of a man is He?

Lyndiloo good posts
The second one made me

thegrangbang - So pleased to hear that your Cyril stuck with you, because you 'looked after him and his needs'. Well done you!

Where are you? 1930?

You've been given some really good advice here, and I can't add anything to it.

I know how hurt and bitter you feel right now. It's the worst thing in the world to see your child hurting, and there's nothing you can do to help her heartbreak. (But there is nothing you can do, except listen to her, cuddle her, dry her eyes, and help with the practicalities.)

I've been through this situation with both of my daughters, and know what a tough time this is for you.

But it won't last! Your daughter will get over this in time. (Everything passes.) And you'll look back one day and realise that it was for the best.

I now have two new sons-in-law, and both of my daughters are the happiest they have ever been.

No matter how dark and dismal it may seem to you now, there's always light at the end of tunnel!

Hang on in there, and do what you do best - being a loving mum and nanna.

And I guarantee, that in five years' time, life will have moved on, and all of this present emotional chaos won't matter a jot.

Keep your chin up - and Good Luck!

Agree with the others re not slagging him off incase they get back together.

I have had friendships suffer because friends who cried on my shoulder then felt awkward around me when they got back together.

Try to listen without responding with justified anger and hurt on her behalf: offload that on here or to a trusted friend or partner, at least until you're sure that the split is permanent!

Gilly HQ aware

I was sure you would have been locked up by now for slapping the grandmother thegrangbang (or whoever the hell you are) . Weirdo.

Message deleted by Gransnet. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Jayemwhite just be there for your daughter and granddaughter, if your daughter wants to talk, listen but don't make derogatory remarks about your son in law, they won't be well received.

It does seem quite common for men, who’ve been the centre of their wives lives for several years, to find it hard to cope when they have to share their wife and play second fiddle to demanding offspring. The majority get over it and readjust because the love they have for their partner and child is greater than their own needs. Some I fear can’t. If he’s not moved in with this other woman, it sounds as if he’s still trying to sort himself out. It’s early days.

I am so sorry, a close relative and her husband have parted and we have all been very careful not to take sides, now there are signs they may get back together so I think the advice here is right.

Thank you for all your suggestions, I have tried hard to follow the main thread, of not saying anything derogatory about him, & certainly never would to DGD. I do really despise him for taking the ‘daddy’ out of her everyday life, & I pity him for thinking that the grass will be greener - because it never is! - & also for all the little family things that he will ever experience again. I don’t think he will come back , but he would never be trusted again. Have given my daughter lots of hugs, & all her friends are rallying round.

Do let her be sad for as long as she wants, she needs to grieve for a while at least, and be sad with her. Maybe take your DGD on day trips so Mum can cry and scream all she wants whilst she is on her own for an hour or 2! Just adapt your support to what your DD and DGD need on the day.

I'm so sorry to hear this. My first husband left me woo was in labour with our second child for the same reason- he could 'talk' to the new woman. Like your SiL he was thinking with his willy.

I have to say I have no real advice for your daughter, but things WILL get better. I was devastated st first but it didn't take long for me to realise how much better off I was without him. She must just concentrate on her children and her own mental health and things will get better.

I wish her all the best. ❤️

peaches50 that very thought has come to mind lately, as you say a journalist/mindless/childish person stirring a pot of genuinely helpful grans just to sit back and watch the results but never repost.

Support your daughter. Always two sides to a story though.

Well, the one good thing he did was wait until school was over so her work wasn't affected by her turmoil of emotions. Of course you will side with your daughter and support her to move forward but I think you need to accept there must have been serious problems in their relationship, which you didn't know about, for him to leave.

I'm not in anyway taking his side and I had the same thing happen to me a long time ago but I could see there were faults on both sides. No one leaves a relationship if they are happy. You will have to just wait and watch what happens in the future with their relationship but there will be no excuse for him not continuing to be a good dad.

Tanith - do you suspect a journalist looking for easy copy - I sometimes see articles which may be coincidental but echo comments I've read on this site... perhaps adjudicators can keep an eye out?
But if genuine (and even if not) she has raised a subject that we all broadly agree on. Been there, got the tee shirt, kept my very loud gob shut (so difficult!!!), supported DS and grandkids and have a distant but civilised relationship with errant ex DIL and even the other man who caused my darling child so much pain. But has helped bring up DGC who are happy, well adjusted and high achievers. DS now also blissfully happy with new partner. These new 'nuclear' families (is that still current terminology?) get on better than our generation. Strength and to all going through the tunnel - there is much light when you come out of it if you follow sage advice given by others.

How sad for you and your daughter. I feel for you. All you can really do is be there for your daughter and GD. Having support emotionally and practically will be a huge help to her. If you can help out financially if she needs it, at least in the short term, that may ease some of her worries. I'm sure she will cycle through a range of emotions in the coming times ahead and I'm sure anger will be one of them.

Seems the OP didn’t come back to comment on all the advice given makes me wonder yet again ?

Sorry, not "children", but Grand daughter, or Child.

I have just read through this thread and as often is the case brilliant advice, support, love, be there. It is ALL we can do although we'd like to do & say all sorts of things to sil! They have to decide for themselves and no matter what we feel it is their life.

I feel your pain Jayemwhite, my daughter discovered two weeks ago husband had been playing away for 18 months, it started when her boy was 10 months old.

I am hoping and praying that she will be able to say sometime to him as Coconut said “ you ripped my heart out, you left me penniless and with a little boy asking me where his Daddy has gone .... there is no going back from that”.

Just love your daughter unconditionally and in silence (sooooo hard!)

Hugs

I was in a similar situation to your DD, my ex walked out on myself & 4 year old DD (he couldn't cope with financial problems & his answer was to bury his head in the sand), he moved in with an older woman

I refused to say a bad word about him to DD & fortunately my Mum was the same, she was very supportive but kept her thoughts to herself. My Step-Dad although he said nothing to my DD did eventually let me know just what he thought, however I had divorced him by then.

My DD never forgave her F for walking out & adored my late DH after we met & married a few years later.

Just be there for your DD & DGD, keeping quiet but being supportive in practical ways

Jayemwhite Firstly I am so very sorry. This is terrible for all of you. May I suggest you just stick by her and try not to suggest how she should feel, especially at this early time when she is in shock? She will go through a gamut of emotions and will need strong support. Most of all, make sure you instil in her that this is not her fault and she has done nothing wrong. It is possible she will have feelings of self-doubt about this sometimes so be there to strengthen her. There is no reason why you may not let her know you are angry with him. Your more objective view of the situation will help her, but her feelings will be many and possibly confusing so please just be there for her and try not to force anything on her at this early stage.
I really am so very sorry for her and the children and you too. However, as we always say, if this is the kind of weak-willed, selfish, uncaring man he is, then they are better off without him. Many mothers and children have a better life without the immature and irresponsible father living with them. However, at first the children may feel abandoned and as if he does not love them and think they are to blame. I would advise your daughter to go to her GP and ask for Counselling support for her and the children.
Good luck to you all. Women are the stronger sex in my experience, your daughter will come through this and so will the children, just stick by them and show them you love them. With love to you all L.