How can I comfort her?

Don’t even go there trying to do him down. Just support your daughter and keep schtummm!! about what he has done. Otherwise you may regret it down the line if they were reconciled.

Just hugs. Lots of hugs. Be there to help with DGD and keep little ones life as normal as possible. The anger will come.

Just be a shoulder to cry on and help out in practical ways, eg looking after GD.

Time is the only healer, just be there to listen but do not give an opinion as they may get back together and you will be in the wrong and they are tied for ever with a child. She will go through an angry stage, sadness is the usual first emotion after a loss. Do not call him vile to his daughter, when she is older her dad will be more important than a grandparent.

Keeping neutral is going to be really hard but, as ruby says its important for the reasons she gave. SiL may be having a midlife crisis and come to his senses once he realises what he’s giving up.

Lots of hugs, but don't judge the SIL - only in your mind if you must. You will be right in the mire if they get back together again,and will not be able to take back your words.

She is right to be sad - allow her her sorrow and do not try to direct her emotions.

It is sad - her reaction is normal.

You have been given sound advice. keep your opinion of him to yourself and never, ever, share it with your granddaughter, if you say he is vile, you will be saying to her that she is half vile, because she is half him.

Your daughter feels the way she feels, these are valid feelings, you can not dictate how she "should" feel.

Believe me, I am not unsympathetic, I have been in your shoes, and in my case they got back together, good job I held my tongue.

Listen, give hugs and make no judgements. Hard to hear, but you have no right to make value judgements on anyone else's relationships. Harsh words, judgmental comments or unjust points of view will be remembered and may come back to haunt you in the future. Good luck! ? For you all.

I am in the same position as you Jayemwhite. My ex s.i.l. is a total waste of space.... My daughter knows how I feel about him but as you say, I think she still loves him despite the fact he has another woman and has a baby with her. There's no way they will get back together. My daughter doesn't seem to get angry....she was heartbroken. It's almost 2 years now and I think she still holds a torch for him. I get really mad. I try not to say anything to her in front of her children. For example, she has gone away with work and they are staying with me. I adore them, but why isn't their Dad doing some parenting?

Been in the same position. Be there to help and support. As others have said, think what you like but say little. Never, ever make any derogatory comments to your grand child about her father. Difficult, when you could cheerfully strangle him but has to be done.

Everybody seems to have given you good advice.

I wish your daughter well and, if she wants him back, I hope it happens for her. Much depends, I suppose, on how he has treated her before the possible adultery.

Ruby made a good point. Yes, important to say nothing to the GD because, as she gets older, her father may be more important to her than a grandparent and, statistically (age), she is likely to know him longer. This is if he keeps in touch with his child of course.

I hope everything turns out well for you all. Your daughter must be very shocked.

Do not under any circumstances slag him off because he may well change his mind and she'll take him back. Remain neutral and deal with the practicalities, stay well out of the relationship. You may think he's vile and she may come to think it but whatever you think he's still Dad to her children and they shouldn't be encouraged to see him in a less than positive light.

Lots of love and practical support, and assure her she’s a lovely person.

You must never speak badly of him to your daughter or your granddaughter. Keep your opinions to yourself. It's the only way - just show your love and sympathy but never bad-mouth him to either of them.

My ex DIL is a tramp and trash, she's had more men than I've had hot dinners, but to the children I say nothing but respectful comments about her - she is their mother and I must never forget that.

I echo the previous sentiments. If nothing else, he was your DD's husband and your GD's father.

Parents should never get involved in their AC's romantic relationships or marriages, and AC should never ask their parents to get involved (apart from maybe asking for a bride's hand if one feels that would be appropriate). A parent's instinct is always to protect a child, and realistically, in most cases there are at least two sides to every story.

Moreover there is your GD to consider. That's her daddy and he still has a responsibility to her, regardless of what happens between him and her mother. Most children love their parents even if the parents aren't good people.

My son in law left my DD when she was 7 months pregnant.
She was devastated.
He came back when DGS was 15months old and they seem to be a happy family now.
There was a lot I could have said but, luckily, I didn’t.
Just keep coming on here and saying whatever you like about him. Don’t tell her.

You can best comfort your daughter by following the advice here, don't try to 'help her see what a vile thing he is'. She has loved and probably still loves this man. He is the father of their child and that in itself can often be a real pull to both in a couple, to try and make things work out.
You can comfort her by listening, trying to avoid passing judgement and in the traditional way of taking casseroles (or maybe salads in this heat) and taking some of the daily grind off her shoulders. Days out to places your grand daughter can enjoy. It's lucky that she's a teacher with a reasonable length of time largely away from work now to give her time to reflect and process what she wants to happen next.

It has been said by everyone, I have been in this position too, support your daughter and granddaughter, no derogatory comments about your son in law ( under your breath ) he is the child's father and he may well return to the family. Let your daughter talk about things to you but just offer advice not criticism. It's difficult I know so good luck.

Just be a shoulder to cry on, an ear for listening and arms for hugs. You will need lots of patience, tissues and probably wine.

Whatever you feelings towards him please keep to yourself as if they reconcile your words can never be unheard.

Sending you and your family hugs ???

Hugs and lots and lots of practical support. Do whatever your daughter and the little ones need and you are able to offer. Whatever your feelings about your sil he is the children's father and will always be part of their lives in some way. Don't add to the confusion. Vent your own anger and sadness to other friends not your daughter.

Initially in a situation like this the biggest challenge for your daughter will just keeping her head above water, putting one foot in front of the other and trying to get everyone through each day in a reasonably OK way. The soul searching comes later. There are hard times ahead. Good luck to all of you. ?

So much very good advice here. Yes I agree, listen, listen and listen. Hugs, shoulder to cry on, practical help all good. Don't say awful things about him to her as they just might get back together and your words will ring in her ears. Also, good advice, don't say anything about your grandchild's father. That could come back and bite you somewhere that will hurt. Similar situation here, she hasn't taken him back but they are trying to co-parent the child, so are in constant contact with each other. Good luck. Different new partners coming and going like a revolving door, but still trying to co-parent. Careful.

I endorse all the advice on here about not criticising the errant husband to your daughter and grandchild, just listening and doing what you can to restore her self-esteem.
When I went through particularly awful periods with my then husband I remember my mother, (who would cheerfully have strangled him with her bare hands) saying; well one thing, Easy, you can never say you have a dull life. Strangely, that cheered me up.
I was also gratified when my 40 -plus son commented recently that I never ever slagged off Dad or made them feel guilty about seeing him. It was worth all the gritted teeth, particularly as they now see him for what he is.

All that being said, don't you just long to take these self-regarding spouses, push them hard against a wall, and tell them to stop blathering about 'finding themselves and opening up to somebody;' just GROW UP.

Yes it is sad and I've lived through it with mine.
You have been given the best advice from others and I agree totally with the way nothing ..think it but don't say it even if your daughter says things to you ..bite your tongue!

Another one here who thinks you have had good advice. Just one thing to add, at some point they will have to discuss practicalities, assuming they don't get back together, and it will be a lot easier for her to discuss matters with you if she knows you will listen and not judge. Things like sorting out child maintenance, child contact, who gets what from the family home etc. If you have made her feel she can't discuss him with you it will be a lot harder for her.

I can sympathise, you probably would like to do him physical harm right now but just try to keep that to yourself.