Help coping with emotions re elderly parents

Having a laugh and a moan is sometimes the only way to keep sane about the memories we have of past experiences. In time you may find that the rough edges have been smoothed over but remember you are never alone in this.

I’m sure the hard times you have gone through have made you the person you are today.

Have your parents ever spoken about their childhood? Both my parents came from large, working class families and could remember living in very cramped conditions, being cold and hungry and having to hand over the money they eventually earnt to their parents. These experiences made my father very generous to his friends and family but they made my mother very careful with money.

I hope you can get over your resentment eventually.

Vexed question this of financial assistance. I once lent a child a decent amount and waited patiently for mention of or actual repayment. Never happened. We discussed this and it has now faded into oblivion. However, fact is I was building up a hidden joy of planning to say 'forget/keep it' at the point of repayment. Double whammy of disappointment for me when I also realised the irresponsibility of not honouring the debt. Very painful at the time.

Yeah I had the same with my mother. She didn't like me and as soon as my father died (he was much older than my mother) she would give money to anyone but me, and I was struggling too. Then she died still with a nice estate value which she left to someone else. Fortunately I was friendly with the someone else and they had a deed of variation drawn up so I got something (a comparatively small something but I was grateful for the friendship shown and it fulfilled what I needed at the time) I do let myself think back on it and get annoyed, and I don't think it does anyone any harm. They're my feelings and I am allowed to have them. I have a quick think and a fume, then I get on with the next enjoyable activity I have lined up. Just allow yourself to think what you're thinking. Of course, some people say you should express your feelings to your parents otherwise you're left with frustrations after their death. Unfortunately too often when one does that, the answer is even more infuriating and frustrating than the assumptions you already have!

All these emotions are hard gillybob because we feel they control what we should do but what would happen if we replaced should with could and then made a decision about which way to be?

It does take a long time to let go of guilt which was often unfairly picked up by us as children. Guilt serves no purpose other than to keep us trapped in behaviour that isn't any good for us. I've read that guilt is a combination of joy and fear - though of course people may think differently but I find it helps to understand exactly what a feeling is comprised of. Guilt certainly stops any happiness feelings.

What if we chose never to feel guilty any more? How amazing would that be? (or if the guilt comes again say thank you to your mind for bringing it up and focus on something else.) Guilt feels so constricting, so ugly, so controlling - and really it's just some thought our mind is telling us about.

What if our mind had got it wrong when we were a child? What if we were mistaken in feeling that we ever had to feel guilt? What if we really we free of these random thoughts that pop up all the time?

I agree with other posters the older generation felt they had to save a nest egg for their old age etc. It's a different mind set today when parents are asked to subsidise their children. Don't let this upset you now.

We have been in the very fortunate position of being able to help out DD2 and DD3 but DD1 hasn't needed our help. However it is written in to a letter accompanying the wills - and understood by all 3 dd's- that she gets what they got earlier. Thankfully they all get on well and this suits them.
Despite having my mother to live with me and be her sole carer for 9 years she left everything == not that much== to my sister in Australia and my brother in the Phillipines neither of whom had seen her for several years!
Hey ho!

Your parents were probably saving for this very thing, their old age!. Some people become very worried that they might not have enough money to see them through this part of their lives. Try not to feel bitter just enjoy the time you have left with them. You’ve had a few years to get over this, now is not the time to stir things up.

Some very useful and thought-provoking responses. Let me assure you there is no sense of entitlement. My mind wanders back to times when my MH was very poor and I had 2 screaming kids and no money. Or the time I had to ask for 100 quid for a mattress or the time we had to cancel our family holiday. It's just bizarre to me tbh.

Similar situation to ' gillybob' won't go into too lengthy. I'm now in a position where I looking back and wondering what help I got. My husband is an only one and had a very controlling mother she recently died after we looked after her for the last few years with no thanks. It passes but the bitterness dies stay with you only human nature. Just learn from it and be a better person from the lesson learnt. X

As only surving daughter I was hurt to hear my dad tell the solicitor writing his will that he hadn't decided who to leave his money to!I looked after him after my mum died and luckily she used up her money because she knew he would not share it.

Actually I have another point of view I think you need to acknowledge your parents are stingy & mean. They weren't there for you when you needed them. Left you to struggle when they were in a position to help. Feel the justified resentment. Feel it deeply. Have some compassion for yourself and your family. Other people have parents who bail them out if they can. Why not you?

Add anything else they haven't done to support you to the mix. Don't bottle it up.

Just no need to land it on to your parents. Use friends, family, a counsellor, or write your parents a detailed letter saying how disapointed you are with them. No need to post it.

You will find the more you tell the truth to yourself (and Gransnet), the better you become at living alongside your feelings. When you get to the stage of being able to say truthfully: My parents are mean b******s but they are my mean b******s and I love them all the same. You will know you are healed. And it feels great. Good luck.

Totally agree Bluekitchen. In all the psychospeak about "letting go" and "moving on" it fails to acknowledge the cost of doing that in that we start to feel guilty and failures when we don't always manage it! That just adds to the problem. Nature (or God) gave us our feelings for a reason, they are ours and we're allowed to have them for as long as we want
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kittylester my mother was he same, divide and rule was her policy from when we were all children. Then in older age she moaned that we didn’t all get on. Now that we are the oldest generation, partly thanks to my lovely SILs, we all get on fine most of the time.

As for parental generosity it was different in those days. My father would slip me the odd tenner when mother wasn’t looking and they bought the first pushchair.

My ex’s unforgettable comment was “we had to struggle, why shouldn’t they?”. I’m told he has mellowed somewhat since then. Now that I have control of my money, if help is needed I will help if I can.

It is bizarre to me OldBatty that you wouldn't help your children in impoverished circumstances but people can be very strange. My family will help anyone outside the family well beyond the norm but anyone inside the family has to justify their very existence let alone any financial loan. I have never understood it but it seems to be something that has travelled down the generations. I am hoping that by being sensibly generous with my kids, I have broken the trend!

To this day, I feel guilty about not being there for my poor mother. She gave her life for us. And then what did we do? We all left for foreign lands to "better ourselves". I was the youngest of 9. We left in 1973, to come here to the UK , taking her beloved grandchildren away from her. Her face at the airport...can't bear thinking about it. We did visit a few times and brought her over here for a long holiday.
Eventually, I went down and arranged to have her admitted to a Nursing Home. She was well looked after, but due to time, financial and family problems (husband left me for someone else) , I couldn't go down for her funeral.
How sad! I'm sure she would have understood, but I still feel awful !

For me I had a lifetime of resentments (Well 44 years) to deal with when I got therapy. I hadn't had the worst childhood in the world. It wasn't the best either. My childhood was full of secrets, lies, violence and it was strange and disturbing.

What I learnt in therapy was how to let things go. It's really a maths equation of A + ???? = C . A is the problem B is what to do about it so you get C the solution.

It's all well and good to be told to let it go, how though? How too, is what B is about? For me my biggest tool for working on things is writing. I get it all out of my head on paper . Writing the situation, thoughts and feelings truthfully for me. It doesn't matter what I put as no one will see it. I can destroy it after. Then I look at it from the third person of whst is going on in all situations of the people and what's my part in it.

My part is simply how I am reacting to the situation. That's what I need to change as I can't change what others say do etc. I often have to go over the process a few times before being able to let go. Sometimes months apart. Those few minutes or writing make so much difference as it empties my head giving space to let things go.

I hope this helps you too OP. For me it doesn't matter what others think of what's right or wrong in this situation. Your are holding onto this and you need the B to let go as you can't change it.

I do suspect though that your parents struggled and made it through and expect their youngsters to do the same. Its that generation.

Now it has gone to the other extreme as alot of us enable our adult youngsters. I know I have

Are you sure that she has always had the money as opposed to inheriting it or it maturing recently?

Some older people think that when a daughter marries she becomes the responsibilty of her husband.

If/when the time comes, at least you know that they can pay for care at home or in a home, so you need not feel that you have to look after them.

I hope they got good advice after the fraud as otherwise it could happen again.

Please let it go! My Mum has lent my youngest brother thousands, which he says he has no idea where it all went, leaving Mum worse off than she should be. My late father would be furious as he worked hard and was very frugal. I makes me mad that Mum is worse off but there's no point in dwelling on it, it won't change anything!

a) Older people are probably saving for their needs in very old age.
b) Older people often wonder why young people get themselves in debt instead of saving up for things first.
c) Older people have more of a 'save' mentality because they had to often work hard in their younger days to be able to afford things with no parental help.
d) Older people wonder why people have children they can't afford or waste their money on cigarettes, alcohol etc. instead of buying essentials first.
e) Older people wonder why the younger generation think they should be bailed out all the time instead of learning the lessons of life.
f) Older people wonder why young people are often so jealous and bitter when they themselves may not have had much at the same age but were more satisfied with their lives.
g) Older people wonder why young people spend their money on takeaways and smart phones instead of bananas!

Do you get the drift?
Also, giving large sums of money as gifts will mean paying tax on it and repaying it if the giver dies within 7 years so it can be included in their estate for inheritance tax. Younger people have something that older people can never have again and that is more time, which is worth more than all the wealth in the world.

Well spoken, quizqueen.

Any sort of resentment that any of us harbour, does harm only to ourselves. Unless we can share those feelings and 'get it off our chest' without causing irrevocable damage to our relationships then I find it is best to let thing's go. Someone suggested writing a letter but not posting it, that sounds like a good outlet.

Not resolving your feelings hard though that may be, only serves to eat you up, and spoils your relationships, with people who are ageing and once they are gone, you are left with those regrets, or unresolved hatred which overrides and overshadows the fact that they brought you up, nurtured you loved you, saw your first of everything, and no doubt your Dad gave you away at your wedding. You don't say if you have children, but it may also be they have been good Grandparents, there is good to be found in your relationship with your parents. I would have regrets for wasting that time with them because I harboured a resentment. So for me it would be either bring it up and discuss it or let it go. Clearly the financial issues have had a deep effect on you, and you can only see that you felt unhelped by your parents during what clearly was an awful time for you. Have you considered that our parents are not obliged to help us financially? The other aspect I don't see in your post is, did you ask for assistance? There is so much we don't know, so whatever our input, only you can decide to free yourself of this resentment.

As for the advice to admit your parents are mean B's well, consider that might not be the case, they may be afraid of leaving themselves dependent on you or other family members later in their lives if they reduce their savings now. Not everyone is capable of supplying their children with financial aid, maybe all they can offer is emotional support. Not knowing your situation fully makes it hard to offer support to you, merely share what we would do or what we think we would do in the circumstances you describe.

I should also say, that we have some friends, who on principle their words not mine, will not assist their children with cash in anyway. They have taken the view that they are raising equity from their house and they are spending it. Nothing will be left for their children. Not that they don't love them, but they believe that this is their lives and they are living it with their hard earned money, and liquidated assets. It is not my way, but I can see their view, to a point.

I sincerely hope you can find a way to feel better about how you feel towards your parents.

Accept the things you cannot change and learn to deal with it. My mother would never help me financially and I accepted that what I found hard was her constantly putting me down and chipping away at my self esteem the only way I could deal with it was by putting distance between us and filling my life with people who want to be with me. Hubby and I have birthdays a few days apart she sent cards hubby contained a cash gift and a large donation to be passed to a friend's charity my card contained nothing! In the past this would have hurt me deeply but now I looked around and saw i was surrounded with the love and support of good friends which was all that mattered. Unfortunately mother is very lonely with few friends.

Perhaps it helps to hear the difficulties attached to the opposite situation. My parents were willing to help me out financially on many occasions - not big sums, but help to pay bills that were bigger than expected when I was studying or between jobs. They always said, when I asked when they wanted the money back, "Don't worry about that, dear, it's all the same to us." But I soon found out there were strings attached.
Mum would ring up and say, "I need help this weekend to do such-and- such, will you come?" or "When you are in town attending lectures tomorrow will you nip along to (dept. store in other end of city) and just buy such-and-such for me? I'll pay you when I come in next week." I didn't feel I could say no, even if it was inconvient or I had to use money intended for buying food for dinner to do her shopping.
Only once in all the years did I venture to say, "I'm sorry, this weekend is not convenient, could I come on Monday instead and stay over till Tuesday?" The answer to that was, "After all we have done for you, you could at least come when we need you!".
If I could go back and do it again, I would never, never accept money from them. It cost too much in other ways.

Oh that phrase, "after all I've done for you" it haunts me.
My mother was widowed when I was 11, she was still telling people 60 years later how hard her life was as she sacrificed everything for me.