Help coping with emotions re elderly parents

Similar situation to ' gillybob' won't go into too lengthy. I'm now in a position where I looking back and wondering what help I got. My husband is an only one and had a very controlling mother she recently died after we looked after her for the last few years with no thanks. It passes but the bitterness dies stay with you only human nature. Just learn from it and be a better person from the lesson learnt. X

Some very useful and thought-provoking responses. Let me assure you there is no sense of entitlement. My mind wanders back to times when my MH was very poor and I had 2 screaming kids and no money. Or the time I had to ask for 100 quid for a mattress or the time we had to cancel our family holiday. It's just bizarre to me tbh.

Your parents were probably saving for this very thing, their old age!. Some people become very worried that they might not have enough money to see them through this part of their lives. Try not to feel bitter just enjoy the time you have left with them. You’ve had a few years to get over this, now is not the time to stir things up.

We have been in the very fortunate position of being able to help out DD2 and DD3 but DD1 hasn't needed our help. However it is written in to a letter accompanying the wills - and understood by all 3 dd's- that she gets what they got earlier. Thankfully they all get on well and this suits them.
Despite having my mother to live with me and be her sole carer for 9 years she left everything == not that much== to my sister in Australia and my brother in the Phillipines neither of whom had seen her for several years!
Hey ho!

I agree with other posters the older generation felt they had to save a nest egg for their old age etc. It's a different mind set today when parents are asked to subsidise their children. Don't let this upset you now.

All these emotions are hard gillybob because we feel they control what we should do but what would happen if we replaced should with could and then made a decision about which way to be?

It does take a long time to let go of guilt which was often unfairly picked up by us as children. Guilt serves no purpose other than to keep us trapped in behaviour that isn't any good for us. I've read that guilt is a combination of joy and fear - though of course people may think differently but I find it helps to understand exactly what a feeling is comprised of. Guilt certainly stops any happiness feelings.

What if we chose never to feel guilty any more? How amazing would that be? (or if the guilt comes again say thank you to your mind for bringing it up and focus on something else.) Guilt feels so constricting, so ugly, so controlling - and really it's just some thought our mind is telling us about.

What if our mind had got it wrong when we were a child? What if we were mistaken in feeling that we ever had to feel guilt? What if we really we free of these random thoughts that pop up all the time?

Yeah I had the same with my mother. She didn't like me and as soon as my father died (he was much older than my mother) she would give money to anyone but me, and I was struggling too. Then she died still with a nice estate value which she left to someone else. Fortunately I was friendly with the someone else and they had a deed of variation drawn up so I got something (a comparatively small something but I was grateful for the friendship shown and it fulfilled what I needed at the time) I do let myself think back on it and get annoyed, and I don't think it does anyone any harm. They're my feelings and I am allowed to have them. I have a quick think and a fume, then I get on with the next enjoyable activity I have lined up. Just allow yourself to think what you're thinking. Of course, some people say you should express your feelings to your parents otherwise you're left with frustrations after their death. Unfortunately too often when one does that, the answer is even more infuriating and frustrating than the assumptions you already have!

Vexed question this of financial assistance. I once lent a child a decent amount and waited patiently for mention of or actual repayment. Never happened. We discussed this and it has now faded into oblivion. However, fact is I was building up a hidden joy of planning to say 'forget/keep it' at the point of repayment. Double whammy of disappointment for me when I also realised the irresponsibility of not honouring the debt. Very painful at the time.

I’m sure the hard times you have gone through have made you the person you are today.

Have your parents ever spoken about their childhood? Both my parents came from large, working class families and could remember living in very cramped conditions, being cold and hungry and having to hand over the money they eventually earnt to their parents. These experiences made my father very generous to his friends and family but they made my mother very careful with money.

I hope you can get over your resentment eventually.

Having a laugh and a moan is sometimes the only way to keep sane about the memories we have of past experiences. In time you may find that the rough edges have been smoothed over but remember you are never alone in this.

@Doversole...luckily I'm able to help my kids a bit financially now and then but also I do keep saving with the thought of care costs as we become further decrepit!! That might save a bit of burden for them if it comes to that and if not there'll be some to inherit. That's the plan anyway!!
Apart from all that...I do sympathise with you oldbatty.....not nice discoveries to have made but I hope an inheritance will soften the blow eventually.

As you say many stresses with your parents which doesn’t help. I can imagine they might be in a kind of safety denial about their money and find decision making on spending it hard and think at least the future will be cared for. Are you the beneficiary in their Will? If you are then put all resentment aside and understand it is a fear of the future thing which I think we all understand at this time of uncertainty of care in old age. If you aren’t and they have not helped when they could have in the past I think you have a grievance.
Tell them.

I understand what you are saying rizlet and they are very wise words . I’m not sure how oldbatty thinks about this, but I have a terrible guilt complex that won’t allow me to “not do stuff” ( if that makes sense) . Half of me wants to say “ where the hell were you when I needed you” but the nicer half just carries on being suffocated .

There's so many mixed emotions when parents are elderly and needy isn't there old batty? Though I love my mum she was a very hormonal, bad tempered woman who often took out her frustrations on me as a child. Yet now I find, to my surprise, that I'm her chief carer and although I treat her as kindly and gently as possible I sometimes get a rush of pure rage when I remember how it was. Maybe you feel anger too along with sorrow that things should have been different and not with a sense of entitlement just wishing for more loving generosity and caring insight from your parents in recognising how you were struggling. My way through is to acknowledge the anger and pain, have a good ole scream and a cry then try to balance it out with more positive memories but it's bloody hard sometimes I have to admit! Hope you find your own way old batty and as all the posters say GN is brilliant for advice and letting off steam - many many good wishes

I slow had similar. A lovely childhood where if my parents had money we had a good, when it was short we all went without. But there were instances that sometimes come to light that make nme think why e.g. both my siblings were bought cars and driving lessons I paid for my own, both were bailed out a couple times while I was never offered a bean? I think it's because my mother wanted me to be a during self sufficient woman and I've worked hard all my life for my family. What she didn't teach me was that men can be selfish and now find myself with a retired oh who had plenty £s from his pension fund whilst I'm still working as have no pension because I stepped down several grades when my children were born and then took jobs to fit around their needs as he never considered childcare his role. He now hands £s to our children but apart from buying the food and paying for utilities I don't get to help him spend his money.

One way of letting go of negative thoughts is to thank your mind for gently reminding you of this feeling but then immediately to focus on something 'real' so a beautiful flower or tree or someone/something you love - your mind is clever though and will try to sneak the negativity in again so again just thank it and shift your focus to something else.

With practice you can learn to let go more easily which is a good thing as holding on to emotion connected to the past is pointless and only makes us feel bad.

Thoughts connected to emotions are the most memorable though and our minds are very crafty and often need quite a bit of retraining from time to time.

It's helps to remember that we all have free choice so you can choose to let this go or you can choose to cart it around with you weighing you down - just like your parents can choose to keep their money or give it away or pass it to their children. Just like you can choose to visit or not visit. There is always a choice - apart from when we die. No choice about that!

Oh dear
Perhaps your parents thought that it was no bad thing for children (or you, especially) to find ways to surmount obstacles in their path, financial or otherwise.
They may possibly have had an upbringing themselves which taught them to make their own way regardless of family having the means to 'help out'.
I myself have refused on occasion, to lend money (and I have a not insubstantial amount of savings at my disposal) to one child in particular as they are wasteful and make no effort to budget on their salary. Needless to say, that AC was rude and bitter when I declined.
Were your parents saving it in case they needed long-term care away from home? Could you ask both or one of them for answers without them getting cross, after all, it's their business what they choose to do with it?
However you manage this delicate situation, I hope your relationship doesn't come under any strain.
Least said, soonest mended...as the saying goes but I do understand your feelings in the matter.
Fortunately, my parents had very little and left nothing, so we children had to make our own money and manage as best we could, which turned out well for all 3 of us.

I never had a penny from my father nor my mother and they both spent much of the family budget on themselves and on alcohol and cigarettes. It made me very independent and I do not begrudge them having what was theirs. I have, though, been pretty generous with my own children though neither expected a penny after they were eighteen.

Older people fear being penniless and of running through their capital.

I think that, instead of feeling entitled to others' money, you should be counting your lucky stars that there might be some cash to inherit.

If any of my AC ever needed financial assistance when younger, I willingly gave it, knowing it was for house deposits etc and I gave it willingly because I was able to. My own Mum only offered to “ lend” money, even tho she is very well off. So I think it’s hard at times to accept others stance on money, even more so if your parents sat back and saw your struggle. But as others say, you must let it go as it damages you not them.

No-one has a right to expect financial support from parents beyond their childhood years and I'm often astonished that people feel this entitlement. Or feel that they are, "not loved" if they don't receive the help they feel, "should" be forthcoming.
Your parents have probably had their own hard times in the past and have budgeted diligently and saved hard to be in a position to feel some sense of financial security in their old age and not to be a financial burden on the their children as this works two ways; no parent should feel entitled to help from their children when their own health and wealth begin to fail!
People who have suffered financial hardship and uncertainty are often those who cling hardest to any nest egg they finally manage to accrue.
As their daughter, you will, no doubt, inherit at least a portion of their estate one day I suppose?
They are older and frailer than you, leave them be in their financial comfort blanket (what's left of it since the fraud) and be thankful you're not having to financially support them!
Also, be thankful they are still around. I'd give anything to be able to write, "I'm going to visit my elderly parents today".
Try to look to the positive, you'll only make yourself more unhappy if you don't.

I understand. I lost my father to car accident aged 6. I’m 56 now. All 6 of us led to believe we were poor. No house phone, central heating, car. Now she is 92 and we realised that she was saving it for a rainy day. Me and two sisters minding her at her home with carers coming in too. She has too much savings to put in a home!! One sister the eldest close by says she won’t help as my mum was horrible to her growing up. Us three doing our shifts for each other. My mum is 92 and can still hurt me ie you’ve got very fat. I’m 11 stone and 5 6”. We reckon we have saved her £64k in home fees in year.
It definitely affected my self esteem getting neighbours hand me downs. But really doesn’t matter any more. She never spent it on herself either sadly.

Can't say I blame you, OP. Seems very strange to me when well off parents don't want to help children going through hard times if they can afford to - assuming good relationships and no daft spendthrift tendencies in the children, of course.

People will always say, 'It's their money to do with as they wish,' which is perfectly true, but I still don't understand it.

Try and look at it from another angle, kids today frequently complain the oldies are spending their inheritance but it's not their inheritance till the oldies are dead it's actually the oldies money to do with as they please. It doesn't matter if they worked their backsides off to get it or if it was a gift from the gods so to speak. It's still their money.
Don't even think about it, life's too short to be bitter.

Oh how I understand the feelings of not quite being able to “let things go” oldbatty . My parents ( mum died 2 years ago) had/have very little in the way of money and I dare say they might have given me a financial helping hand if they had been able to, however what I “can’t let go” is the fact that I had my lovely boy when I was just 18 years old . Despite living only a short bus ride away Never once did they offer to have him over night or even babysit so I could have any sort of life . I get that getting pregnant was my own fault and that “ I made my bed” but I can’t get over these feelings of abandonment . I was very lonely and worked very hard as a single parent but I was terribly lonely . These days I include my dad in almost everything we ever do and take him shopping / for coffee twice every week and little weekends away when I can. I take my grandchildren to visit almost every week too but At very low moments I think to myself “ where were you when I needed you ?” And “why do you deserve this dedication?”

It’s horrible not being able to let go of stuff from the past oldbatty but I suppose we just have to try and get on with things . Sending you huge {{hugs}} x

It sounds as if it has been very hurtful to think your parents could have helped you but didn't. Big hugs to you.

Is there a chance they felt insecure about what the future held for them and felt they needed to hang on to the money to deal with whatever life threw at them e.g. Care home costs, knowing that you would in the end inherit any money not used up anyway?