My children can't deal with my honesty

Imagine not image

I feel sad for you that you are not seeing your family but it would be good for you to develop a little self awareness and try to image the other person saying the things you have said and asking honestly how would you have felt to hear the same criticism. As to the counsellors comment she's appalling. As a counsellor myself she has broken a cardinal rule do not ever give advice or opinions to clients that is very unprofessional . Also if you ignore one generation ( your children) how do either of you think you will be able to see the next( your grandchildren) parents will not allow that without input from themselves so flawed ridiculous advice . I do hope you are able to contact them in a conciliatory way and ask to try again. Good luck.

Deblee, you have received some very harsh criticism in my opinion, and yes, it is probably true that you need to back off a bit, and perhaps not ‘say it how it is’ any more, but by now, if you are still following this thread, and I wouldn’t be surprised if you’re not, I should think you’re feeling thoroughly demoralised. Hopefully, you can just approach your family, talk with them a bit and reestablish your relationship. My advice would be to try to be mindful of what you’re saying, and try to ‘walk on eggshells’ a bit. A member of my family has mental health issues, and I’ve had to develop a very careful way of speaking with this particular member of the family as the most innocent remark can sometimes cause a problem. I have managed this, but it’s still a work in progress. I’m sure with a little thought and care, you can develop it too.
Good luck.

If you give it you must be prepared to take it.
I say it as it is and by my own admission I make Victor Meldrew look like a stand up comedian.
You still have your husband ( no doubt he is used to your ways ) so lie low for a while and enjoy your time together.
Time can heal. Sometimes.

The counsellors advice was very bad OP. If you just focus on the next generation rather than your children, you will alienate them further, making you less likely to see your grandchildren. You need to have a good think about how your behaviour may have affected your children and try to fix your relationship with them first. Also, if you treat your grandchildren as you have your children, there's a very good chance you will push them away as well, especially as they are going to see the poor relationship their parents have with you.

deblee31 Leaving aside the main content of your post, you say you are ‘having thoughts about leaving this planet for good’; you must take these seriously and seek further professional advice. I’d suggest you see your GP, tell them about these thoughts and ask for a referral for adult mental health support ?

how i agree with what some of you are saying ,i have a very big family and have found over the years that ,i do not agree with some of the things they say or do ,BUT and this is the biggie ,do not interfere do not say a word hold that tongue and look away ,when you get home ,talk to husband or a good friend tell them all about it tell them what you think ,and then forget it , do not under any circumstances interfere or offer a different opinion keep all your words to yourself ,it is not your place to object to whatever is going on in their lives good or bad ,,now go see the family say you are sorry and try again ,good luck

An honest and genuine apology, admit you were wrong, with a promise to change, might be enough to produce a little crack in the wall. Kindness is the most important thing, anything else is just self indulgent.

Love your example agnurse made me chuckle.

I think there's a difference in the way "truth" can be presented. Let's say your child comes in with an AWFUL hairdo and asks what you think. There are two ways you can put this and still tell the truth:

"I did prefer your old hair style, but what's important is how you feel about it."

"Oh, my GOSH, did you go through a HEDGE BACKWARDS? That's TERRIBLE! You should sue the salon! I can't believe they let you WALK OUT OF THERE!"

Both are true based on your feelings, but which do you think would be better received?

Nana5852 that is a heartfelt and very insightful post. You have identified some aspects of yourself that you see can cause problems and are trying to change. That takes courage.

One of the points you make is the need at times for some "economy with the truth". While that is a useful guide I do think we also need to recognise that "our truth" is not necessarily another person's truth or even the objective truth. Truth is not an absolute. Our truth is basically just our opinion. What we may like to see as honesty or "the real truth" is simply our view of the world. Our view and understanding of the world is shaped by our own life experiences, cultural background (eg. Belgian, Dutch as per several posts) and personality among a myriad of other factors.

The essential insight is the need to recognise that other people will always see things differently, it may be only slightly different or it may be radically different. We all tend to prefer to mix with people who see the world in much the same way we do, it's more comfortable and easier to do this. But respecting others viewpoints and accepting that we don't have an exclusive hold on the "real truth" is part of the give and take of life with others including family members. Disregarding these social realities has a cost and only we can decide if we are prepared to pay the price.

you have sown the wind and you are reaping the whirlwind Time to change your ways and hold your tongue OP

Good post nana5852

BlueBelle and Dragonfly, I can also relate. Whilst I was taking my MSc I once took an exam where the examiner gave me 100% which surprised and thrilled me. My Dutch teacher promptly informed me that I should take no notice of it because it was a nonsense as nobody was that good. I was somewhat taken aback and the gilt certainly dropped off the gingerbread.

Dragonfly I can relate to your story of Netherlands My Belgian son in law thanked me but handed back my birthday present as he said it wasn’t to his taste I was mortified even if I hated a present I would take it in good faith and thank the person for thinking of me

She was telling me how she 'tells it like it is' to her daughter in law.
Oh my goodness

Then she'll wonder one day why DIL won't see her.

Being honest is an admirable trait - but not at the expense of others' feelings.
Sometimes a diplomatic answer is much better, particularly where members of the family are concerned.

Please don't leave this planet just yet! Your adult children may be angry with you but that doesn't mean they don't love you. Consider also that the situation you are facing does have a solution, but you need to be a part of it, because nothing happens in a vacuum.

Going foreward, you have the power to change....you can choose to avoid (toxic) behaviors that may have alienated your children in the first place. The way your children communicate is another issue because accusations are never helpful. When your SD called you a 'failure as a mother' it was her anger talking and she probably didn't mean what she said.

Nobody has the right to inflict 'how they feel' on others, if the feeling is a negative. Try replacing hurtfully 'honest' commentaries with nice compliments instead....if that's too much for now, you may want to remain silent.

It is possible to mend your torn relationships with each one of your children but you need to be constructive and avoid negative accusations. You have to be willing to acknowledge your part in this too. Comments you've made in the past might have been highly inflammatory and much more hurtful than you realize.

Tell them you want to improve your family relationships and are willing to make a sincere effort to change your ways because you love them and you can't bear to lose them.

Above all, be prepared to apologize and to receive some 'honest' feedback from the others in the process.

You ask what to do, well as regards your two sons and DILs could your husband have a quiet word with the families and say you wish to apologise for what has upset them and would like to talk with them. If they agree and you may have to wait, try as hard as you can to keep your thoughts and criticisms of the past to yourself. The stepdaughter is more difficult did you just meet her when she was 15?. If we all went round telling everyone the truth I am afraid society would not work and families are the same. Don't think again of "leaving" get in there and sort things out.

I think some people wear their honesty like a badge of honour, and feel obliged to be honest, even knowing that the truth will hurt somebody.
I find it particularly difficult when the truth serves no suppose except to make one party feel superior.
I had this discussion with my neighbour just yesterday.
She was telling me how she 'tells it like it is' to her daughter in law.
"I told her I couldn't live how she does, piles of clothes everywhere, etc etc"
I can't see that truth serves any purpose.
Daughter in law has been in my neighbours house and seen it is spick and span, so she knows how it is.

Deblee31 - it must be an excruciatingly painful time for you and your husband atm. Nothing worse than adult children cutting us out of their lives. There must be a way forward through this, after all, you are their Mum. None of us know the background to your situation but I truly believe most posters genuinely care and want to help, though you may not recognise that yet. Do you have a good insight into your children’s motivation? You may feel ‘ganged up on’ by you children? Can you make the difficult first move? I’m sure you love them all so a first move may be to tell them all that. I wish you all the very best in moving onwards through an incredibly painful situation.

Message deleted by Gransnet. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

You say you are beside yourselves with sadness about thaeir cruelty...well when you’re being “honest” maybe that’s how they feel. Maybe less honesty and more kindness and a great big sorry would help.

deblee maybe you should tape yourself one day and listen to what you are actually saying. We can get so ingrained in our own ideals that we do not always hear how hurtful we can constantly be.

You say your children cannot deal with your honesty, now you cannot deal with theirs, one big difference is they have only just been honest you, while you have been 'honest' for all their lives. In their place What do you think they should do?