My children can't deal with my honesty

Would you rather be right or happy? I think everyone has given you good advice.

In some ways, I understand what you mean about being "straightforward and no BS." Yes, truth is important rather than lies and hypocrisy but, if everything you think in your head comes out of your mouth, it will lead to trouble.

I think an apologetic, softer and more tactful approach might help. Good luck! I wish you well.

I have noticed that those who say, 'I speak as I find' cannot deal with others doing likewise.

You will need to be tactful. I can't begin to tell you what nonsense our dear 27 and 29 year olds come out with but we bite our tongues and, indeed, have a chuckle.

When they drive you crazy, as they will, consider whether losing them entirely is worth speaking your mind.

BlueBelle ... If OP comes back and gives negative responses to all our constructive criticism, then that would be so sad. I rather enjoy a healthy collective hive-mind mentality on Gn or Mn.

Sylvia ...Mn is eye opening in what passes for acceptable healthy attitudes these days.

Chrissy normally when Original posters don’t reply it’s because they were expecting a lot of ‘yes you’re right’ ‘poor you’ posts when they get honest crititism they disappear Maybe as our poster is a ‘say it as it is’ person she will really enjoy our honest replies and come back and agree with our opinions or maybe she’s gearing up to give us both barrels ?

Many many years ago my mother said -
'You can't help what you feel, but you can help what you do about it.'
I have carried this with me all my life, and it is amazing on how many different occasions this statement can be applied.

You know what has caused this and you must ask yourself is being opinionated and right all the time better than having your family? You cannot be right about everything. I know my own mind but am am the opposite in my attitude for fear of interfering or upsetting anyone I am different with my friends. I think Alex quote very good, I haven't heard it before. I would apoligise to them all including your husband, he won't be seeing them until you do and that not fair, then step back for a while. Your counsellor should not have given her opinion but get you to look at your feelings so I would not go back to her, she cannot be a trained counsellor to do that. I found most people that come to counselling know deep down what's wrong but not how to deal with their problems, talking explores that. Good luck because I know you want to put things tight.

I would ask yourself
Is it true? is it necessary? and is it kind? - and if you can't say yes to all 3 then keep quiet.
Too many people are proud of speaking their mind when actually they are being very rude. It is a very fine dividing line.

It is unusual for the opening poster not to comment on replies to your post, especially when you have asked 'What shall I do'? Perhaps you don't agree with what others are saying and don't like them speaking their mind. If you are upset by the replies, perhaps you can understand how your family feel about you speaking yours.

If you want a relationship with your family I'd work on trying to put things right. Not everybody appreciates it being said as it is. Perhaps write an apology expressing how you never meant to hurt them and you will restrain expressing your views in the future if they are negative but you are missing them so would like a chance to put things right. Ask them whether you can draw a line under the past and move forward. I would suggest your write rather than text as texts can be a bit blunt, write it one day and put it aside until the next, then read it again before you send it. Keep doing this until it has the right tone to build bridges. It will be a tough road but one which sounds that would be a far better alternative to not being on this planet. If you are having self harming thoughts, seek an appointment with your GP as a matter of urgency.
My son "doesn't sugar coat" things and sometimes I wince when he speaks his mind. I've learned to tell him when I think he is being hurtful and a recent discussion with him about his child highlighted how he didn't like the same thing being done to him.
Whilst I agree that it is far better to be honest, I do think you have to temper this with the sensitivities of others especially if it is causing such hurt to all of you. Good luck

I lived in Holland for many years and the Dutch are proud of the way they speak their mind and say it like it is but I found it very rude and thoughtless. My daughter who went there at 4 months was very unhappy the whole time we were there at their outspokenness and was much happier when we came back to the uk.
It is not a good thing to speak your mind with no thought for other's feelings, the skill is knowing when to speak and when not to.
All you can do now is apologise and maybe ask them to tell you if you step out of line. After all you are the grownup and you have the most to lose.

My heart goes out to you.
I can identify with your post and easily imagine how angry and upset you must be, both with the family situation and some of the responses to your post.
I have found myself frequently indignant at people's reactions to my blunt truth telling but.....
The fact is that not only do we make others uncomfortable but ultimately we alienate them by forcing our view of the world. It would be easier, we think, if everyone was upfront about their thoughts and feelings, stopped being 'mealy mouthed' and faced up to the facts. However one fact is that we cause hurt. Over the last few years I have been trying to live in the world as it is rather than as I'd like it to be. It's a huge challenge to accept but the alternative is loneliness and isolation. I would be unable to cope with that.
I an tell you that some economy with the truth is necessary in order to function socially. I now try to phrase things in a more digestible manner if asked for an opinion and to try to keep schtum otherwise. Learning to be tactful, not voicing our judgements and curbing our impulses goes against the grain but, even at 66 I am gradually changing . I often think, still, but that's who I am ( the straight talking , fact facing, blunt woman) they should know me by now. I am trying to filter the woman I am , with a generous heart and tolerant attitude in order to be closer to the person I'd like to be. It's slow but I'm moving in the right direction. No one wants to change who they are and essentially I'm still me but a more acceptable version.
For your own sake please try to share the positives...eg I love you, I miss you, I'm proud of you, and try to think carefully before you let out truths that, perhaps, others cannot bear tohear . It's a hard but worthwhile challenge and I wish you every success.

If you always do what you always did, you will always get what you always got.

* may change their numbers. Sorry.

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

First of all, you must never say or even think of 'leaving' because that solves nothing and would cause buckets full of grief, so forget it.
Now, there is not much you or anyone can do to make them talk to you or at least discuss the problem.
If you have said anything that you regret saying, apologise in person, by phone, text, email or write a brief letter.
If you don't think you have said anything which needs an apology, you must carry on keeping as busy as possible, including outings with your OH and not spending hours talking about it to him or wallowing in ifs/buts/could've/should've and wasting your life away.
It happened and unless they choose to contact you and start building bridges, you will have to make the happiest life possible with your OH.
Trust me, they are not likely to be feeling sorry for you, harsh though that may seem.
Perhaps you could post a card(s) to those involved, say once a month, hoping they're all well and you are thinking of them and wishing them a happy summer and all the best...something along those lines but notmentioning the problem.
If you ring or text they bay chxnge their numbers or block you.
They are less likely to move house.
I hope a rapprochement of some sort comes about in the not too distant future, meanwhile, pm me if you feel really down. I will always respond.
Take care and your wish may come to pass.

The OP didn’t return....this says it all really doesn’t it ? It appears from ner non return and inability to heed the excellent advice on here, that She can dish it out but can’t bear to be criticisedherself.
The response from Gransnet was obviously not what she was expecting which was ‘ saying it like it is” lol
She needs to keep quiet and practice being humble.

Oh dear. How sad for you all. But if we all said exactly what we thought all the time, most of us would be at loggerheads. We need to hold our tongue at times. There is a big difference between being forthright and being opinionated. I have had a major fall out with a family member who just says whatever she thinks without consideration of who she hurts. And her opinion is always right. I'm not the only one who has fallen out with her. I'm not trying to be judgemental or blame you. It's impossible to know what's actually going on from a few lines in a posting on this site. But please take a long look at both sides and see if you can meet half way so you can patch up your relationships. I wish you well.

My mother was impulsive and said whatever came into her head. My AC made it clear some years ago that I needed to be more careful what I said and how I said it.
I try and it does make life, my life, easier! Also thinking back my ‘impulsiveness’ explains all sorts of long ago incidents.

There is honesty which I am. Then there is discerning and tact, putting your brain in gear first. A pause button. Do I really need to say it. If I do how am I going to say it.

The guideline I have is "is it kind is it true and is it necessary" with tact and said with love. You don't need to open your mouth about everything. You need to check out what your about to say too. If you wouldn't want it said to you then keep your mouth shut. Alot is also about how we say it too

It won't be easy facing a darker side of yourself and changing it. They will want to see action rather than words.

You need CBT I think would be best to change how you react to others.

Criticsing others especially family and on laws is never a good idea

I’m concerned with the way people seem to be jumping on deblee31, not that I have a right to say so as I’m a very new member of Gransnet so you can all jump on me now.

I’m sure deblee31 has said things she new regrets (well I hope she regrets them) but her mention of leaving this planet is a worry. I’ve felt that kind of despair in my life, and I know how devastating it can be. OK, she has upset her family, but they may not be entirely blameless you know. We don’t know the circumstances, so let's have a little compassion.

I’m not entirely sure how to get back to this thread so you may have to shout very loudly for me to hear you. :-)

My mother used say whatever was in her head, and would ask 'difficult' questions. I think that may be why I'm the opposite to the point where last week I told my daughter not to take my lack of questions as a lack of interest. I keep my nose out.
The problem in hand requires some grovelling, I think, and some promises about future behaviour, before it is too late. Perhaps husband can make the first move (that used to work when mum upset me or my sisters). Good luck.

Many many times I have wanted to say something about the way my children and their spouses behave but have kept my mouth shut, just do the same, but unfortunately it appears it's too late for you. Never interfere in other people's marriages, would you have wanted your mother in law to interfere with your marriage I wonder?

You've had a taste of your own medicine.

I do find myself wondering exactly what kind of answers you were expecting.

What you see as being "honest/no BS" sounds like you loudly voicing your personal opinion. Your view is just that, your view of the world - no more no less. No one else will ever see the world in quite the same way. I do agree with other Grans that if ALL your family are saying the same thing maybe it is time for some personal reflection and basically learning to "zip the lip." If you can't do that then deal with consequences.