My children can't deal with my honesty

I'm another devotee of the tact and diplomacy brigade. It has always worked well for me even in the midst of strong debate. Since being a Grandmother I've even added a regular zip to my lip. I've adapted and I'm surviving. Rather more than that actually. The consequences of being uninvitedly brutally outspoken can be isolation. Not a price I'm prepared to pay ever.

A good old Scottish saying is....”haud yer weesht” and I always do this ....it means stay silent.....silence cannot be misinterpreted nor offensive....we are all different with different values, opinions, feelings etc and it doesn’t make us right and them wrong or vice versa....just different....if you cannot contain the urge to criticise try screaming into a pillow....never known that not to work for anyone and hurts nobodies feelings....good luck

My late mother always had to be "honest" - merely an excuse for being critical, nasty and a bully. She was a failure as a mother.

There was a film with Jim Carrey (called "Liar" I think) where he promised to tell the truth for one whole day. He got into trouble with almost everyone he dealt with.

It is naive and arrogant IMHO to imagine that being honest all the time is going to be acceptable to others and that they should be grateful to hear whatever you choose to say.

What is more important to you? Expressing your opinions freely or having good relationships with your close family?

There is a saying 'honest to the point of rudeness'.
If saying how you feel made your children unhappy as you must have realised it did, why would you still want to do it? What was so important about your feelings that they had to be vocalised and why are your children's feelings of so little account? It also may be the way you say it. People sometimes say thinks more sharply than they realise and with finality so that other people feel shut down.
They won't want you involved with the grandchildren if they think you will make them unhappy too.
You may have heard what you wanted your counsellor to say but it was ridiculous advice either way.
I agree with others that say that you should keep contact with cards, Christmas presents etc. but not force it at least for a while.
Acknowledge how difficult it must have been for them to confront you. They wouldn't have done it together if it hadn't been. They probably hoped that you would try to understand how they were feeling and to put yourself in their shoes. Have you never regretted anything you have said because of the hurt if caused?
If possible it might help to say that you are sorry that you upset them and you will try not to in future but it sounds as if you are not ready to do that.

People who are proud to ‘say it as I feel’, straightforward, no BS, seem to think that the rest of us think in a quite different way. We don’t; we would all like to tell a few home truths, tell it as we see it etc. but have the sense not to do so.

Tact ... to say what you want in the nicest non judgemental way possible. Empathy ... are my words going to hurt the recipient ?? I think you should eat some humble pie if you truly value your relationship with your family ... good luck.

I would suggest putting your brain in gear before opening your mouth it does help ! I have 2 dils and I'm really careful what I say and I do see them.

Very good advice on here.Saying what you feel is a luxury and should be used with care.Those who do it must be prepared to be treated in the same way.Mostly we have to be diplomatic.

I totally agree with allsortsofbags here. Spot on!

Do you want to be right or do you want to be happy. Maybe your comments have been right in some way but who do they benefit.

The counsellor may have just said "how would you feel about just seeing the grandchildren?" which one could interpret the way you wanted to, or of course maybe she was not a qualified counsellor.

I am sorry you feel hurt but it really is a case of - do as you would be done by

So many good points made here that I just want to reiterate some of what's already being said.

Counsellor telling you to "skip that generation and concentrate on the next" - really. Just really.

Glad I'm not their supervisor, I'd be pulling their qualifications and checking on their registration. Every colour of wrong and a new one on so many levels.

Reading that made me so angry so my 'suggestion' to you is ignore that counsellors advice, counselling is NOT about giving advice in any case.

Think about what others have said here.

You are plain spoken, no BS, I'm OK with that. But, but, can you hear plain speaking and no BS when it's said to you? Seems like you need to.

As they say if you can't take it - don't give it.

And one of my straight talking not BS sayings is "Opinions are like Ars*holes, we all have one, not everyone wants to see it". If we are being 'honest' we are very, very selective about who sees that.

I bet you aren't as plain spoken about your bank account, that's your business and you manage to keep that information to yourself so you can keep things to yourself.

Who knew there are things in your life that you don't need to share with your kids.

Am I being a bit sarcastic?? Yes I am, I own it. And did I use it in my clinical practice, selectively I did.

Think very hard about what you need to keep to yourself. However much we don't like the choices our kids make, the mistakes they make, their behaviour, parenting style and so many other things. It Is Their Life - just that, their life.

You have your choices, mistakes, parenting styles and by the sound of it your kids aren't happy with your choices or your behaviour. For goodness sake 'Listen to your kids".

Listen to your kids while they still want to have a relationship with you.

Ask yourself if your mum, dad, MIL, DIL, gran had said to you the things you've said to your kids over the years would you want a relationship with them?

Get going on repairing the relationships and if you have to eat some humble pie it won't kill you.

It might make you gag and it isn't pleasant but the alternative is you can live with all your Pride, Ego and Self Righteousness intact and in Splendid Separation from your kids and GCs.

Oh and sack the counsellor.

And like other posters have said I shall wait for the fall out.

There's nothing wrong with honesty and plain speaking and being a no BS kind of person but there are ways of getting your point across without being hurtful or rude. It sounds as if you're not considering others feeling at all but then expect them to not be hurtful. If you give it out you best learn to take it too. Why is it you think your honesty is the problem when the rest of us seem to think it's not the honesty so much as the way it's said. I don't lie to my family but I don't upset them either, if they don't like what you have to say they'll just stop listening or in your case give you a dose of your own medicine.
As many others have said " Try being nice and mean it and start building bridges towards a better future" Good luck.

My MiL is like this, now in her 90s few people go to see her or wish to spend any time in her company. My DH and his sister manage her from a distance as they know whenever they see her they will get a barrage of poisonous criticism, which she sees as justified. Best to stop speaking your mind without carefully considering how it might be received - engage brain before mouth is always a good maxim.

If five people have turned against you there is one common denominator and that s yourself Look very carefully at how you talk to your children and try and see how your ‘straight talking’ comes across to them... why not give us an example of your no ‘bs’ conversation

You say “what can WE do”

Are the family prepared to see your DH as long as you are not there?

Don’t agree with the ‘ if you can’t say anything nice say nothing at all’ advice (sometimes plain speaking is the better option.)
However, plain speaking all the time is another matter, and has to be judged finely!
You are where you are, so, from here I would ask your children and step daughter what has upset them , any one comment or just the fact that you always speak your mind?
Ask them if you can all ‘start again’....hopefully it’s not too late.Good luck.

My late mother was always critical ,the day before she died she told me not to wear trousers when visiting her as I "was tto fat for trousers" I was a size 12!I was so used to her criticisms I just accepted them after all My sister was the "Beautiful one" and the youngest was her "gorgeous baby" even when that sister didn't see or speak to her for over a decade.
It was a different matter when my OH's best friend who also says "he says as he sees" decided I was his target and criticised everything from my home decor to my appearance in my wedding photos.I no longer spend any time in his company .I fully understand why your family has cut you off...in my opinion if you want them back you need to apologise and stop being obnoxious .It really is that simple .

Oh dear, there is a reason why we have two ears and just one mouth and fortunately we have two hands to hold the mouth closed too! If you cannot say anything nice then just don't say anything at all.

Apologise to them all without delay if you don't want to be totally on your own for the rest of your days!

deblee31, you ask "What should we do?" so that's where I'll start.
First off I expect the responses you've just read on here have not been what you expected or hoped for so you need to take a big breath and try to deal with whatever defensive thoughts are uppermost - allow yourself time to process the opinions expressed.
Then you need to decide if being 'right' is more important than building bridges. You may feel that the problem is with your family, but that's not going to fix anything, so are you prepared to accept that you need to make some changes? Will your husband support and help you to do this?
If you are prepared to make some changes then I think perhaps you need to start by making contact with each of your children and telling them how important they are to you and how much you love them (if you do). Explain that changes take time, but if they will encourage you and be patient you will try to change your ways and will do your best to rebuild your relationship with them. You can tell them that this has been a painful time and that it has never been your intention to hurt them. Perhaps your husband could become your 'critical friend' who you can talk to and vent with, but will encourage you to do that only with him.
I suspect as you read these comments you're thinking the responses are unfair and you're not wholly at fault - and I'm sure that is true - but many of the responses you've read here have come from grans who have almost made their tongues bleed by biting them in situations that may have caused a rift. They are wise women who exhort you to change your ways or risk losing precious contact with children and grandchildren.
Please come back and tell us your thoughts; there's been a lot of straight talking on this thread, but there is also a great deal of kindliness to be found here.

It's one thing to be honest, and honest is generally good, but it's another thing to be hurtful. We all have to learn to button our lip or we would have no family or friends left.
Some people can dish it out but can't take it. I don't want to be unkind, and I am sorry you are suffering now, but maybe a long hard look at yourself is needed. A slice of humble pie might help matters.

You can't have it both ways. If you "tell it like it is" to them, and think you have the answer to everything in life, then they in turn will "tell it like it is" to you, and point out your faults to you.

Sounds as though all five of them think that you are critical, harsh, controlling and totally without any understanding of how "they" may feel about the tongue-lashings you give them. Five to one is good odds that they are the ones with the truth - time you took a good look at yourself and learnt how to change your attitude.

My gran used to say if six Jewish Rabbis tell you your sick, lie down.

When the general consensus of my loved ones all behave in a similar way, I have to hold my hands up and question me. It's not a criticism OP, it's a maxim that I've tried really hard to pay attention to.

Hope you get there.

My mother acted in a similar way OP. She freely spoke her mind and told the truth. She had no filter on her mouth and so whatever flittered across her brain was spoken. As dementia caught up with her, the “truth” as she saw it became bitter and cruel. She alienated every friend she had over some perceived slight or injustice. My own children, then adults, stopped going to see her as she managed to turn every aspect of their lives into a big fat negative. But out of love you understand!!
She could never see what the issue was. Telling someone they had put on a few pounds and could do with going on a diet was seen by her as constructive advice. Daily I had to bite my tongue as she berated me for whatever was uppermost in her mind that day.
People who speak their mind can be refreshing, in very small doses. Generally the wheels of civilisation turn more freely with tact and diplomacy. Often, just keeping your mouth firmly shut and your opinions to yourself.

Being straightforward is all very well as long as you realise you will probably hurt people and can deal with the consequences.