My children can't deal with my honesty

Those who believe that their brutality is just honesty are kidding themselves. They are honest when they can belittle or attack, not when they can praise or support.

Are they as honest when there is something good that they could say?

Do they point out every little wise or thoughtful thing that their children and grandchildren say or do as well as when they make a mistake or a wrong decision?

Do they tell them how much they agree with them and , how clever it was of them to work that out or just bawl them out whenthey disagree?

Do they praise them when they remember to do XXXX ar complain when they forget?

Do they admire what they are wearing whenever it is NOT hideous, or just rubbish it when they don't like it?

Their family and friends are far more likely to get most things right than get them wrong, so unless they can honestly swear that they comment favourably at least twice as often as critically - and probably several times as often - they are not honest at all, they are aggressively niggly faultfinders who enjoy shrivelling souls.

Well summed up absent.

I don't think honesty is to do with proclaiming one's unasked opinions and beliefs in the context of family life. There are many right – and wrong – ways of doing things. If everything is hunky dory, leave it alone – even if it is not the way you chose or would choose now.

I think it is also important that grandparents recognise that they have slipped down the hierarchy. We remain important, if we are lucky, but not so important as we once were.

So true HildaW.

Lucklegs, I was aware it was a bit of a dead post but my rather vivid dream was still rattling around my head as I trawled through GN. Funny how although you loose the random detail of dreams the emotions that they create can still be powerful...or perhaps that's just me. Anyway I just felt the need to reiterate my thoughts about preserving family relationships. I do agree that it does seem a tad unfair that us older generations sometimes feel we are the only ones who have to tread so carefully. Also I am sure that there are families who have always been the sort who have everything out in the open and find it works. However, neither system works if there is not true respect and that's what I feel is missing in the OP's posting. I doubt we will ever find out if there was any resolution.

Hilda, agree with your post, the original poster has not commented since she started this thread, it has however raised a lot of helpful points.

Thankyou for the flowers Nanny23 xx

Also wanted to add nana5852, I thought your post was really helpful and understanding, which prompted me to post mine, so thank you.

Thank you Greengage, I hope all of us with serious family issues are able to work things out. I have taken a lot of comfort from the support on Gransnet and this thread offers a lot of good advice. First time I've posted on here and it's really lifted my spirits today. Best wishes to all.

Nanny23 I actually admired your posting. I think too many of us fail to look at things from someone else's perspective. Hope you can work things out. Good luck.

Thank you silverlining.
Greengage - not sure if you are referring to my post. It wasn't meant to come across as always "I" and "me". I thought at the time I was acting in my grandchild's best interests, but it was seen as controlling and interfering by others. With hindsight, I understand how my intentions were misconstrued, but when you are struggling emotionally and can't see the wood for the trees, so to speak, mistakes can easily be made, however well-intentioned.
CrazyH - yes I am lucky to have my husband, he keeps me going. It must be very hard being on your own and unable to share. for you.

Thankyou Silverlining / love your name / hope my present cloud has a silver lining

CrazyH you can always vent on here. hope things work out.

HildaW Can so agree with what you say.

I awoke this morning from a rather realistic dream of a huge stand up row with a DD. Things were said by me and although the details of the dream were quickly blurred and then lost, the emotions it created have only just abated. It left me feeling quite troubled and in the dream my DD was deeply upset and it all got very unpleasant and very sad.
The thing is we never have such rows in real life and that is despite her having made some strange (to my mind) but not disastrous choices. She is a grown woman with a family and sometimes I think she makes life more difficult than need be....but its up to her and her OH. I might think its not the best idea but its not up to me. She will tell me about things and even indicate she'd like some reassurance or feedback and I am always as balanced and supportive of her life as I can be. It has always struck me that to say I feel something was a daft idea (once its done and undoable) is just asking for trouble...what's the point? I love both my daughters (to the chimney pots and back as my Grandma used to say) and will always offer help if its asked for or can be done tactfully but, the rather vivid dream has reminded me why I think first before I speak. Yes, some people think its the coward's way but I'd rather have a good relationship with these lovely women who are independent enough to be out there in the big world doing a great job and coping with all that's thrown at them than be one of those people who always feel they have to 'have their five penny worth'. Being right is no substitute for being a parent my children cheerfully want to visit, chat to and spend time with and, of late now that I'm so very old, sometimes worry about!

How lucky that most of you have a husband/partner to share your woes with. I am going through s family “situation “ now , with one of my sons who is “done “ with me.., no soulmate to talk to. Don’t want to involve the other children too much - all so sad .

I have noticed that with someone I know - even her relationship with her DGC is about how much 'they adore her'!

Greengage I have seen that in "real life" too. A couple we were friendly with would spend an entire evening with us, each talking about what "I" did today, and what some coming event would mean to "me". You never heard the words "we" or "us". It was not a surprise when they divorced. Each blamed the other for the split, no sign of "me" when it came to blame.

I am not sure how to go about mending a broken relationship, but when reading a lot of posts on Gransnet, I am struck by the number that are full of 'I' and 'me'. Surely in any relationship you need to put the other person first. Or am I being naive? I am 72 and have good relationships with my family and friends.

nanny23, I am glad you have a supportive husband and hope, in time, things will get better for you all. Keep on keeping on. Best wishes.

It would be lovely to see some posts which offer hope to those in a 'broken relationship' rather than those that are full of sadness all the time.
Ideas on how to repair such as, whether to keep sending birthday cards and gifts, xmas presents , should you keep trying to make contact to make amends.
Some positive results would be very useful i am sure.

If you want to give some details of the rift posters might be able to give advice on how to repair the relationships. Time and some hard work could get you there.

How I wish this thread had been available for me to read a few years ago, I may have learned from it and saved myself and my family a lot of heartache. I find myself in exactly the same situation as the OP. I also have two married sons, and because of my "no BS" attitude in the last few years, our relationships are now very strained. We had always been a very close family until a few years ago, when our family suffered a very traumatic bereavement, which affected everyone involved. I've been struggling both mentally and emotionally ever since, lost my way, said things which I shouldn't have and have alienated my children and their partners. They all have very young children whom I adore. One couple are still in contact and we see them occasionally, but I know my DIL hasn't really forgiven me. The other couple have absolute minimum contact and we haven't seen them for a year. I have emailed them to apologise, but my son apparently can't deal with the emotion and stress of seeing me, although says he loves me. My only defence is that this happened at a time of great stress and anxiety, when I was beside myself with worry about my grandchild. But I was so stupid and would change it if I could. I'm 57 and life is still teaching me lessons. I feel depressed, anxious, panicky and almost suicidal some days, other days I'm OK. My wonderful husband keeps me going, and understands me. We both love our children and their families so much, I hope we can find a way back. Please take heed, all you outspoken, no BS, "say it as it is" mums, there is some very good and sound advice on here, sadly it came too late for me.

My Mum was always critical - I was always being compared and found wanting against my sister. She saw it as being open and honest - I found her comments often cruel and unnecessary. And yes, as other posters have said, she didn't like it one bit when the tables were turned and someone (not me) decided to give her the benefit of being totally honest and open - she never spoke to them again up to the day she died. It is never too late to change your approach, especially if you want to see your DGC, not suggesting you do anything drastic, rather that you try and see how hurtful it can be for others when you speak your mind, and then see if you can soften the blow when you do speak, often it is the choice of words that can make a huge difference from hurtful to helpful

I do feel for you, OP, but on the other hand it's surely time to learn that always saying exactly what you think will not endear you to so many people.

I have an aunt who has always prided herself on speaking her mind - she's also the type who always knows best about everything.

As a result she has upset many people over the years, and some family members now have no contact with her.
But as far as I know, she still can't see that any of it is her own fault. She still thinks there's nothing wrong with blunt truth - that is of course the truth as she sees it.

The sad thing is that in general her plain speech has been well meant - in the sense of 'they don't know what's good for them, but I do.' She can't seem to understand that other people's different ideas can be perfectly valid.

I suspect it's too,late for her to change now - she's late 80s - but I dare say it's not too late for you.