Friends

I've got several friends depending on the various activities and relationships developed over the years but I don't ever get too close. Perhaps this is strange but I'm quite an independent person and whilst I enjoy the friendships I'd never rely on them. The funny thing is that I'm invited to all sorts of events with friends even though we're not - in my view - particularly close, and we do have a great time.

So, Ellie Anne if you still enjoy your friendship, go with it and forget the facebook side of things OR as others have suggested enjoy forging other friendships.

Ellie Anne this has happened to me twice and both times the person spreading the lies was someone I had been particularly helpful to. It’s very painful but at least the lies are being recognised and acknowledged as such.What worked for me was recognising that I felt hurt and had good reason to and then concentrating on being kind to myself, going places, sometimes on my own, and joining groups where I could make other friends and involve myself in other activities. I can understand your compulsion to look at them on FB though it really isn’t helping. Maybe a few fulsome messages about how glad you are that they’re having such a good time would disrupt things.

GabriellG’s post begins “You cannot expect people to behave as you expect them to behave”. These are very wise words and almost the same as the advice a close friend gave me 35 years ago. She preceded them with, “You have very high standards of behaviour but ......”. When I am disappointed by other people I try to remember them and it helps me to shrug it off.

Looking at people’s lives on FaceBook is never a good idea as much of it is embellished.

You cannot expect people to behave as you expect them to behave.
Just as you think your loyalty to your friend should count, it does not supersede her perceived loyalty to someone 'needy'.
You cannot and should not expect exclusivity and your friend has obviously assured you that she doesn't believe the lies told about you.
Words are just words. Shrug it off and don't look on FB to see what she's up to. It's none of your business.

I've recently had to reassess a very long friendship which seems to have fizzled out because my friend is now very close friends with someone else.

Sadly, I've had to come to the conclusion that friendships change and people's needs change, and I'm just not 'fun' enough for my friend's current needs.

I doubt the new friend has actually lied about me, but she did have a massive go at me about losing weight out of the blue so I don't think she has much respect for me. But I don't need her to think highly of me!

In the past, when I've been lied about, I've tended to think it reflects badly off the person who knows me well but still chooses to believe the lies.

If you can, try and turn your feelings about the toxic lady around. She is obviously incredibly needy and is using lies to ensure your friend sticks with her rather than you. You say that your friend has had some terrible problems that you've helped her through, perhaps she feels that this other toxic friend needs her? It can be a powerful thing, feeling needed, and perhaps it's making her feel better about her own situation?

As someone else has said, when you see your friend don't mention the toxic lady as you may end up pushing her away, unwittingly. Keep your head. Ignore the lies she's spreading, especially as your friend is aware they are just that. The toxic lady is obviously providing something your friend values, for whatever reason, as each and every friend anyone has fulfils some private reason as to why we like them, even if it's a subconscious reason.

Keep your chin held high, try not to feel hurt (for the reasons above), stand above the lies, and treat your friend the same way you always have.

Oh, and regarding the FB posts, you have two choices: 1) don't read them - all these fantastic times plastered on there are generally made by people who need constant validation. Don't give it to them; or 2) 'like' every single thing that goes on there. Validate the hell out of them. It may shut the toxic person up!

How do you know that this person is telling lies about you? It strikes me, that if your friend comes back to tell you, she isn't much of a friend. It takes 2 people to hurt someone when hurtful things are said, the person who said them and the person who repeats them. I think BlueBelle, as ever, talks sense. Sometimes it is hard to walk away from a relationship that is hurting you but more often than not, once you've moved on you realise that you really are better off. It doesn't need to be a massive row, just a stepping back and living your life without this pair.

Ellie Anne. This is a little girl bitchy,telling tales, in the school playground person you are up against. I would not go on face book if paid to. What you do is your business and no one else's. The least a person knows about you the better.
Seek legal advice if necessary, Seems to me this 'muck' spreader needs a wakeup call. Best of luck.

You can unfollow someone on fb, without unfriending them. That way you don’t see pics of their ‘wonderful’ lives.

Cut them out of your life and find other friends. I did this years ago after 20yrs of friendship with an old school friend as she was hello bent on causing trouble and using me as a taxi and free meal ticket. 10 years on she tried to reconnect but she's still the same so no thanks. There are other nicer people out there who won't give you this stress.

I think your friend must be very low as she has so many awful problems.
Some toxic people spot this and almost groom people to be dependent upon them.
They offer sympathy and make them selves almost indispensable to lure their victim.
They then start the smear campaign to alienate their victim from their friends and family.
I have had first hand experience of this.
My advice would be to wait until it implodes and it will! Then be there for your friend.
So sorry you are having to endure this.

I would withdraw from this “friendship”as it seems to be making you unhappy! and you have told your friend why you feel hurt by her actions, yet she has not stopped.
It seems as if this is something you cannot live with, so don’t! A friendship is meant to be an enhancement in the lives of both parties, but this is clearly not the case for you. My advice is to spend time with other people and friends and stop looking at her face book notifications. There is a way in settings of altering whoes news feed pops up in yours and I suggest you make sure hers doesn’t come up for you.

Sometimes friendships come to an end when it starts to cause more sorrow than joy it’s just not worth keeping trying

Be civil with your long term friend, but stop torturing yourself with FB and this other woman. Don't look at the photos. Our imagination can be incredibly powerful and you may be "seeing" things that aren't really there every time you look at the pictures and thus torturing yourself with what you think is happening, when in fact it might not be! As PECS suggests, build up your other friendships, keep seeing you old friend, but don't focus on the person you dislike. If you do, then in a way, she's gaining the upper hand, isn't she?

I often think Facebook just shows what people want to be seen of them and has little relevance to their real lives. Possibly both these women need to show the world that they’re doing well, having a good time. Ignore Facebook.
For yourself, try to look elsewhere for company and friendship. Of course you are hurt, this is not unreasonable but don’t let it take you over. There’s a whole world out there and people who’ll treat you better than those two women.

Friend is a very precious word to me and open to various interpretations. I only have two real friends of longstanding. I have many acquaintances of varying degrees of closeness but the situation you describe does not even come close to that of real buddies. I hope you manage to spread your wings in the field of human relationships. Can be wonderful, warm and life enriching.

If she is a true friend she will take what this other person says with a pinch of salt. She's known you a long time and a bit of tittle tattle won't change her perception

sad but might be time to say goodbye to this friendship

If you have other friends too build up those friendships, keep seeing your old friend and stop focussing on the person you are not keen on or it will spoil the friendship.
I have different friends who enjoy doing different things. My local group of friends sometimes spend time all together sometimes in pairs or in smaller groups . It is not a problem. Enjoy the time together.. that is what friends are for.

I have to agree with oldmeg . This sounds like something my 13 year old GD would complain about - my friend is friends with this awful girl who tells lies about me - it's school girl stuff.

You are a grown woman - find some other friends , don't fret about these two silly women.

It is hurtful when others seem to let you down, your friend obviously feels the other person needs her support. Try not to keep stressing about this and keep away from the dreaded FB.
Enjoy time with other friends and don't depend on this one too much.

I know this sounds a bit harsh but honestly, how old are you? This sounds like something a teenager might stress about. You have a lifetime of experience to draw upon surely?

Look at the situation, see what you want from it and sort it out.

I d look for other friends, if these two have been friends for a few years without you being included it isn’t going to change is it ? at first when I read your post I thought it was something new but if it’s been happening for years I don’t really understand what you think should happen
You have two choices carry on in the background looking at their pics on fb and hurting yourself or open yourself to moving on, remove yourself from their fb and start doing things with others
This is only hurting you and has run it’s time just like a marriage that’s gone toxic, move on

Ellie Anne you say that this has been going on for some years so you will know that it is not going to change now and unless you decide to withdraw then the hurt you feel will continue. The people who have needed you the most for the reasons you describe are often the ones who will not want to remain close to you and they will make other friends. Perhaps you know too much and remind her of all of that by just being who you are and now she has possibly found someone that she feels she can relate to and maybe even be there for. The saying "there's nowt so queer as folk" has more than a grain of truth.

Friends aren't exclusive, maybe this woman meets a need in your friend that you don't. If your friend is listening to what she knows to be lies about you and says nothing she's not much of a friend IMO.