Living with someone with strongly opposing political views

Paddyann, it is not our useless government it is the EU who do not want to loose out on our cash. They are not going to help us as we were keeping them afloat. You Guardian readers won't like this post. Nothing changes there then?

Hats off to people who can maintain a relationship with someone who has diametrically opposed political views. Speaking for myself I absolutely would be unable to have a partner who did not share my core beliefs and values.
I have fallen out with one friend who is a leave supporter while I am passionate remain; I feel so strongly about this issue that it is a deal breaker for me.

I have always been told "no politics or religion" and I have stuck to that, as soon as politics are started in a discussion I keep quiet,and let others argue!

This sounds ridiculous, the whole point of being adult is being able to respect other views, even if they are opposing. I think a little growing up is necessary on both sides.

Useless ? Messed up? How about Lapdogs.?

I couldn’t be in a relationship with a right wing Tory (I would have to think long and hard about any Tory). Quite happy to have cross party friendships - some of my friends are raving brexiteers and we usually have a giggle when discussing it - but I couldn’t be in a relationship with them.

I’m a left leaning liberal - so try to be open to ideas, but I have a severely disabled son who has been so horrendously affected by Tory policies and could be even more affected by Brexit that my frustration weigh someone not recognising that would make a close relationship impossible.

We all have our lines in s relationship. It sounds as if you need to either tell him to keep his opinions to himself until he can discuss sensibly, or call it a day. I know that sounds extreme but I also know I couldn’t live with the situation you have described.

Smileless I understand you finding my post offensive any smoker would, it certainly wasn’t said with the intention to offend you but it is truthful a smoker doesn’t smell pleasant when they come in from having a fag It’s just a fact

Stop talking politics completely. That should enable you to get back to where you were before all that began. It will require a lot of discipline but if you want to stay with him then taking politics out of your lives is the only way.

There are always subjects that create division that cannot be overcome. Why waste time on them?

Grampie Well said. Nearly 40% of Labour supporters voted Leave and if you add people who are left wing who don't support Labour you are not far off it being a 50/50 split between left and right.
It should not have become party political. There should have been a cross party committee dealing with it.

Does - should read doesn’t! Auto correct gone mad again!

I don’t think “keeping quiet” is always a cop out. Sometimes where the differing points of view can’t be discussed and a compromise reached (as here, you can’t half leave or partly stay in the EU) so if you are discussing it quite fervently, as sounds the case, you are both trying to get the other person to see your own, strongly held, point of view. It isn’t going to happen. Not discussing it further seems sensible, as there isn’t really any point in doing so.

It wouldn’t bother me we had a different view, but ridiculing your view is another thing altogether. You don’t say if he respects your views in non political discussions, but if he does, that for me, would be a sign that we had no future together.

There is plenty of middle ground here. Don’t those of us on the Left also want out of the EU? And didn’t our last Conservative government campaign to remain in the EU?

So, Brexit is not a left or right thing.

Wanting to govern our own affairs again has its appeal to both sides of the political divide. But we may have to suffer the consequences of the EU Referendum promised by both sides too.

Better to ride this wave of uncertainty together.

That's absolutely true Coconut, I have an ex for very similar reasons. In which case, it would seem reasonable to assume that the difficulties that the OP is experiencing in her marriage is less to do with their differences regarding Brexit, and more to do with a clash of personalities and how they manage their differences.

I don't think that it is a cop out to not discuss it. You are never going to either agree or really respect each others' points of view. What is discussing it going to achieve?
You do at least acknowledge that he is intelligent which is not that common amongst Remain supporters.
I have relatives who voted Remain and dislike the Tories, UKIP etc. but get the Sun delivered and their comments are often straight out of the Sun headlines. They think people on benefits have an easy life and get given everything while ignoring their own good fortune and will say really ignorant things about refugees (who cannot be genuine refugees if they can afford a smartphone apparently). They will not accept that the NHS is being sold off. I have tried to explain to them that private companies are allowed to use the NHS logo but they just switch off. It is very frustrating and I can understand how it must be to be living with someone who gets information from the right wing press.
To be fair though, none of the newspapers did their job. The Guardian just took the Remain side and promotes it relentlessly and others on the Leave side do the same. That has left people in the same state of ignorance that they were all in when it started. Some Remain voters still think that the Commission is like our civil service and some Leave voters still think that it is all about immigration. There were detailed factual articles giving either but they have to be sought out from other publications and not many people will do that.
People feel so strongly that both sides want to be heard but neither to hear. You just know that he is wrong and he just knows that you are wrong.
Let it go or let it come between you.

Some people are rather squeamish about cigarettes it seems.
I am a non smoker (and so is DH) but neither of us object if a visitor or friend wants to light up.
Many couples are able to continue a loving relationship with a partner who smokes ......hardly love otherwise is it?
It amazes me that posters couldn’t contemplate life with a partner who likes a ciggie or who votes different,y to thenselves! What do they want from love, a clone of themselves?

No Bluebell, we've been married far too long to not know how the other truly feels about anything. As for his list of dislikes, my 'smell' isn't one of them and I'm confident I would know if there was anything about me he found 'yucky'.

Not your intention I'm sure but I found your post rather offensive.

It seems there are certain personality traits that stop some people just accepting others points of view, without turning it into a war. If I think something is pink and someone else disagrees and says it’s blue ... I’m able to just accept that and agree to differ. My ex however felt the need to ram his opinions down my throat and go on and on to prove he was right. One of the reasons he is an “ex” as it’s just draining being with people like that.

Your husband is very unigue Smileless I spent a lot of years working in Smoking Cessation (NHS) and can assure you most ex smokers really hate their partners smoking (even if they re too nice to tell them) and find the smell of their partner high on the list of dislikes Although it was your choice to stay a smoker don’t you ever realise that he may be too nice to tell you how yucky it is for him

Interesting that OP hasn't been back to elaborate or respond to replies.

Sorry it it offends smileless but yeeuukkk!

Just as I 'd know about smoking from the outset, I 'd also know about political leanings!

Interesting point about a chain smoker mcem. Mr. S. and I were both smokers when we met, not chain smokers I hasten to add, and he gave up 15 years ago.

I still smoke but not heavily and only in the kitchen next to an open window since we moved. Perhaps it's because he used to smoke but my smoking doesn't bother him; it was his choice to give up and mine not too.

If we're out and it's windy and I'm finding it difficult to light up, he'll light my cigarette for me; must be love.

You would know that on a first date though mcem so it would never come to a relationship.
You would also know ( slightly later) how a person thought politically, although that rarely troubles a good loving relationship.
Which means that leaving the EU is the only contentious issue.There are posters on here who voted differently from
Their DH’s / partners but they manage to get along.

It's all very well to say that political views shouldn't affect a relationship but I see it differently.
One reaches one's political stand through one's experiences - of upbringing, education, career, religion, perceptions of morality and principles etc.
Present-day opinions are shaped by experiences.

Deeply held convictions, formed over many years, can't simply be written off and ignored over a current issue.
My contention is that if basic principles acquired over a lifetime are so at odds with those of a (potential) partner then perhaps the relationship is simply not appropriate.
If you're 'swept off your feet ' things may well seem different but if you're planning a future together this is something that needs to be sorted out at the planning stage.

(On a different tack, how many non-smokers could contemplate a life with a chain-smoker?)

I think some people are thinking of their own long term marriages where such a thing would not break them up BUT the original post does sound as if it’s not a very long run relationship hence this huge difference of opinion has opened up a big old chasm
If you are both so passionate about your politics and so opposing then maybe this is telling you you are not right for each other There are a few things that you just can’t bridge the gap I couldn’t live with an ardent racist no matter how attracted I was to him I just couldn’t
Obviously the last two years (and we don’t know how long they had been together before the Brexit referendum) have shown the huge differences in their beliefs which may not be manageable
It’s a bit like a Teresa May and Jeremy Corbyn trying to conduct a loving relationship ????