I just want to make this clear

One of ours was a neonatal death. I've got past that. It hurts more that most of my children now deny my existence. I don't know what they tell their children.

I must tell you counseling is as much use as the proverbial chocolate teapot!
I lost my youngest son aged 24 and since then have had little or no contact with my other 3 adult children. It's a long complicated story but we have tried at different times for reconciliation.
My eldest son I haven't seen for the 20 odd years since my youngest sons death. Unless you count the couple of 10 minute accidental meetings when he has been visiting one of his sisters.
As someone else said the damage has been done now. Even if we all magically became friends again think how awkward it would be re their friends? Where has this Mother appeared from? What have their friends been told about their Mother? I do know my son tells people I am dead as it makes it easier for him.
I have had several different counsellors over the years but honestly they can do nothing to help. The fact remains that the children you carried and gave birth to and nurtured through all their childhood years no longer want or need you in their lives.
Let me tell you the pain is unbearable. Many times I have got close to ending it.

I cannot begin to imagine what it must be like to have to bury your own child Annie, the pain must be over whelming.

The pain of having your own child walk away and tell you you are no longer a part of theirs and their child's life and are to stay away I have experienced, and know how over whelming it is.

For Nannykay who has experienced both, the loss of her child through estrangement has been more painful for her than the death of her other child. That does not mean that she, or any other estranged parent would have chosen to bury them rather than have them walk away.

To lose a child is truly heartbreaking, regardless of how that loss has come about and for many estranged parents there may be life, but there isn't any hope, because no matter how much you love and miss the child that has abandoned you, you cannot make them love you in return and come back into your life.

It is heartbreaking to think that people suffer so much from estrangement, and that those who inflict this must know to some degree what they are doing. Do they realise the level of pain they inflict? Do they want to hurt someone else so much? It brings tears to read of the sadness that some posters have had, and the sense of deep loss. I can say nothing helpful except that I feel very much for people who have had suffering through family estrangement and wish that something may happen in the future to help ease the pain.

to you all insuch a sad position to be in.

To lose a child in anyway must be so painful and finding a way to go on living after such loss is a real act of bravery.

For some counselling helps, it can't change what has happened but it may help ease some of the pain and facilitate ways of coping when life gets especially tough so if possible give it a go.

Would any mother choose to bury her child rather be estranged from them ? I think not.

Well said Annie

And the end of life for someone too young makes the heart break smileless .

Would any mother choose to bury her child rather be estranged from them ? I think not.

Nannykay do try councilling , you can talk it through , it can’t change what has happened but it may help you to move forward x

Annie from the book of Proverbs 'A hope deferred makes the heart sick'.

As the years of estrangement have gone by so has the hope of reconciliation faded. What has grown is the realisation that even if we were to be reconciled, the damage that has been done with the lies and cruelty means that the relationship we once had could never be replicated.

So much has been taken that can never be replaced. Our hope was always that we would somehow survive and find peace and happiness in our lives once more and I thank God that we've managed all 3.

It must be so hurtful to have a child walk away, but as much as it would have hurt me , I wish my darling daughter was alive, living her life , and I would have hope of seeing her again

So very sorry for all of you that have had children who have walked away and cut you out of their lives. Perhaps when they age they may realise what heartache they have caused. Nannykay, is there any way that you could get in contact with your son via social media. As there's no detail of why he left I can't give any other advice except to see your doctor and request counselling. Love and hugs.

I wish you all the best in the world NannyKay. I am sorry to hear your position.

NannyKay I am in the same position as you except that I have a third child who is still around, if it would help even minimally I would be more than happy for you to private message me, any time.

In laws, from my own experience, have been the cause of many family upheavals. Losing your child has left you with wounds.There are no rules as to how one copes or how long one should grieve. Have you not thought of getting bereavement counciling? Time is not the issue .In some cases grief can last a lifetime. Coping with it getting on with your life is what you need. Has it not occurred to you that your son walked away as your grief was becoming his grief? and he could not cope. You can but give my suggestion a try and I sincerely hope you get back the in your and your son's life.

can you get in touch with your son.? ask him to visit? dont argue with him ,.if you been hurt in the past ,let it go. think of the NOW .maybe he will come back now he has had time to himself. get in contact

So sorry to read your sad story. I hope that your son will return to see you how heartbreaking for you.
I know what it’s like to lose a son and my heart goes out to you and my thoughts are with you.

So sad for the loss of your baby. Don't know how people cope with that sort of devastating loss. Regarding your son. It must be very upsetting, but there is hope there. He will mature. Who knows if his marriage will last. There is always a chance that he will walk back into your life one day. If you are able to contact him just let him know that you love and miss him and he will be welcomed back into your life at any time, with no questions or recriminations. I hope it works out for you.

I am so sorry for both your losses. Glad you felt able to share it here. I'm sure there will be those reading it that know either one pain or the other. To know them both is so heart breaking. The pain of walking away can only be truly known by those it has happened to. I hope you find some solace in the responses here and perhaps it would be good to to relay your feeling to a professional. Also like previously mentioned perhaps it wasn't totally his decision to walk away. He may have been given no choice if he wanted to be with his child. We can never truly know what goes on even in our own children's relationships.

I am so sorry for your loss, DC do not realise how much they are hurting us,I too have a daughter who has nothing to do with us or will not let us have any contact with DGDS, I do send gifts and money and I just hope they will look us up when older.
Take care

Nannykay - you don't say how many children you have left.
I have a friend whose older son has cut her and all the family off and she is not allowed to see her GC's. She has one other son who still talks to his parents.
She knows her older son hasn't cut her off by choice but it still hurts. I've suggested to her that this will not go on for ever but the DIL has a large family whom she sees constantly so she doesn't need or miss contact with her in-laws.
If the pain is very bad perhaps some sort of counselling would help you to move forward?
Also, try to fill your time with things that bring you joy. If necessary, try new things that give you a different focus.
I wish you well.

I can't find the words which properly express my feelings for your sadness. Have you had any help/counselling?
I just hope and pray that something will happen to bring your son back into your life. So sorry.

I also feel the pain of estrangement. My daughter is out of my life, her choice. She had another baby in December & didn’t tell me she was even pregnant. I have had nothing to do with her for 3 years now. The pain I feel at times is unbearable. We have both been at fault but, as a mother, I have never stopped thinking about her & my grandchildren every single day. Although deep down I do love her, I feel such hate at times which I know is destructive, it I can’t help it. But I have a wonderful husband & son. They keep me going. Sorry to rant

I honestly feel your pain. But I feel perhaps exposing it here is not the way forward. Have you considered seeing a qualified professional?

My eldest son did something that was awful, I confronted him, told him I loved him because he was my son but hated what he had done. He chose to walk out of our lives, (I have 3 other children). He was married, 2nd marriage, had 2 children from 1st marriage and 1 from 2nd. He told me he wanted nothing to do with any of us, I asked if I could still send gifts/cards to my grandson, he said 'No, anything you send will go in the bin'. This was 30 years ago and I have not heard from him since. this was his choice, he wasn't thrown out but he chose to leave. I still hear from the children from his 1st marriage.

Perhaps it's the choosing which hurts more - to lose a child in death must be the hardest ever thing to bear no matter what the cause or reason - even choosing to die whilst in mental turmoil is still finite. To choose to walk away with your grandchild and want nothing more to do with you must be very hard to cope with but it isn't finite - as Annie says there is always the chance of reconciliation however small.

I'm so sorry you're going through such pain - you have experienced both kinds of loss and know the heartbreak each causes. I hope this one may be resolved for you one day

You see my baby died, didn’t have a choice in the matter, I loved him, and he loved me, but couldn’t stay.

My son, my beautiful, difficult, willfull little boy, grew into a loving handsome young man, and by choice, he left me, I know my DIL probably pushed him the corner, no that’s not fair, I don’t know, that’s part of the problem, but he had a choice