I just want to make this clear

Nannykay, I am so sorry you are grieving .

The first thought I had was sadness that you are hurting.

But then, if your son has walked away - he can walk back , how often have we heard/ said. ‘ where’s there’s life there’s hope. X

Hmmm..
I know which I would prefer.

Nannykay because you've posted on estrangement before, I knew your son had cut you out but had no idea that you'd previously lost another child. To say that I'm sorry for your loss seems very inadequate, but I am, and wish there was more I could say.

I don't know what it's like to have a child that dies but I know how it feels to lose a child through estrangement and your description of your pain resonates with me and I'm sure will resonate with all who are estranged.

We'll never understand how our son could walk away and take our only GC with him and when I read your post, I couldn't help but wonder how your son could do such a terrible thing to his mum, knowing that you were and always will be grieving for the child you'd already lost.

.

Oh Nannykay.....how awful for you.
But for you , Smileless and all those who are estranged, I'd like to echo what Annuebach said " where there's life, there's hope".
I have a very difficult relationship with my older son and his wife (who I'm sure hates me) . Hardly see them, except for bdays etc ....unless I ask to see the kids, they don't voluntarily offer to bring them over, and even then, I have to go there at an appointed time. But, I'm hanging in there!
She takes the kids to her mother every day, and visits my ex and his wife. It hurts, but there you go..
How's the retirement going Smileless ? Have you and Mr S planned any trips? It's lovely that you have each other. I wish I had someone....just never happened

I am sorry for your pain Nannykay. It’s clear to you which is worse. This is your experience and Iwouldnot take that from you.

But give me leave to disagree.

You see my baby died, didn’t have a choice in the matter, I loved him, and he loved me, but couldn’t stay.

My son, my beautiful, difficult, willfull little boy, grew into a loving handsome young man, and by choice, he left me, I know my DIL probably pushed him the corner, no that’s not fair, I don’t know, that’s part of the problem, but he had a choice

Perhaps it's the choosing which hurts more - to lose a child in death must be the hardest ever thing to bear no matter what the cause or reason - even choosing to die whilst in mental turmoil is still finite. To choose to walk away with your grandchild and want nothing more to do with you must be very hard to cope with but it isn't finite - as Annie says there is always the chance of reconciliation however small.

I'm so sorry you're going through such pain - you have experienced both kinds of loss and know the heartbreak each causes. I hope this one may be resolved for you one day

My eldest son did something that was awful, I confronted him, told him I loved him because he was my son but hated what he had done. He chose to walk out of our lives, (I have 3 other children). He was married, 2nd marriage, had 2 children from 1st marriage and 1 from 2nd. He told me he wanted nothing to do with any of us, I asked if I could still send gifts/cards to my grandson, he said 'No, anything you send will go in the bin'. This was 30 years ago and I have not heard from him since. this was his choice, he wasn't thrown out but he chose to leave. I still hear from the children from his 1st marriage.

I honestly feel your pain. But I feel perhaps exposing it here is not the way forward. Have you considered seeing a qualified professional?

I also feel the pain of estrangement. My daughter is out of my life, her choice. She had another baby in December & didn’t tell me she was even pregnant. I have had nothing to do with her for 3 years now. The pain I feel at times is unbearable. We have both been at fault but, as a mother, I have never stopped thinking about her & my grandchildren every single day. Although deep down I do love her, I feel such hate at times which I know is destructive, it I can’t help it. But I have a wonderful husband & son. They keep me going. Sorry to rant

I can't find the words which properly express my feelings for your sadness. Have you had any help/counselling?
I just hope and pray that something will happen to bring your son back into your life. So sorry.

Nannykay - you don't say how many children you have left.
I have a friend whose older son has cut her and all the family off and she is not allowed to see her GC's. She has one other son who still talks to his parents.
She knows her older son hasn't cut her off by choice but it still hurts. I've suggested to her that this will not go on for ever but the DIL has a large family whom she sees constantly so she doesn't need or miss contact with her in-laws.
If the pain is very bad perhaps some sort of counselling would help you to move forward?
Also, try to fill your time with things that bring you joy. If necessary, try new things that give you a different focus.
I wish you well.

I am so sorry for your loss, DC do not realise how much they are hurting us,I too have a daughter who has nothing to do with us or will not let us have any contact with DGDS, I do send gifts and money and I just hope they will look us up when older.
Take care

I am so sorry for both your losses. Glad you felt able to share it here. I'm sure there will be those reading it that know either one pain or the other. To know them both is so heart breaking. The pain of walking away can only be truly known by those it has happened to. I hope you find some solace in the responses here and perhaps it would be good to to relay your feeling to a professional. Also like previously mentioned perhaps it wasn't totally his decision to walk away. He may have been given no choice if he wanted to be with his child. We can never truly know what goes on even in our own children's relationships.

So sad for the loss of your baby. Don't know how people cope with that sort of devastating loss. Regarding your son. It must be very upsetting, but there is hope there. He will mature. Who knows if his marriage will last. There is always a chance that he will walk back into your life one day. If you are able to contact him just let him know that you love and miss him and he will be welcomed back into your life at any time, with no questions or recriminations. I hope it works out for you.

So sorry to read your sad story. I hope that your son will return to see you how heartbreaking for you.
I know what it’s like to lose a son and my heart goes out to you and my thoughts are with you.

can you get in touch with your son.? ask him to visit? dont argue with him ,.if you been hurt in the past ,let it go. think of the NOW .maybe he will come back now he has had time to himself. get in contact

In laws, from my own experience, have been the cause of many family upheavals. Losing your child has left you with wounds.There are no rules as to how one copes or how long one should grieve. Have you not thought of getting bereavement counciling? Time is not the issue .In some cases grief can last a lifetime. Coping with it getting on with your life is what you need. Has it not occurred to you that your son walked away as your grief was becoming his grief? and he could not cope. You can but give my suggestion a try and I sincerely hope you get back the in your and your son's life.

NannyKay I am in the same position as you except that I have a third child who is still around, if it would help even minimally I would be more than happy for you to private message me, any time.

I wish you all the best in the world NannyKay. I am sorry to hear your position.

So very sorry for all of you that have had children who have walked away and cut you out of their lives. Perhaps when they age they may realise what heartache they have caused. Nannykay, is there any way that you could get in contact with your son via social media. As there's no detail of why he left I can't give any other advice except to see your doctor and request counselling. Love and hugs.

It must be so hurtful to have a child walk away, but as much as it would have hurt me , I wish my darling daughter was alive, living her life , and I would have hope of seeing her again

Annie from the book of Proverbs 'A hope deferred makes the heart sick'.

As the years of estrangement have gone by so has the hope of reconciliation faded. What has grown is the realisation that even if we were to be reconciled, the damage that has been done with the lies and cruelty means that the relationship we once had could never be replicated.

So much has been taken that can never be replaced. Our hope was always that we would somehow survive and find peace and happiness in our lives once more and I thank God that we've managed all 3.

And the end of life for someone too young makes the heart break smileless .

Would any mother choose to bury her child rather be estranged from them ? I think not.

Nannykay do try councilling , you can talk it through , it can’t change what has happened but it may help you to move forward x