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Ex has moved to new home town

(30 Posts)
Magrithea Wed 15-Aug-18 10:25:06

I had a call from my oldest friend last night (we have known each other for 50+ years!). I could tell from her voice that something was wrong and when she told me I was horrified on her behalf.

She and new husband moved to a large village last year and are very happy. At an event last night, as she was handing round canapes, she came face to face with her ex and his new wife! It turns out they have recently moved to the same place - coincidence or......

My advice (the same as her DH) was to ignore him and not to let him upset her but what would others do?

MawBroon Wed 15-Aug-18 10:33:19

Why should it upset her?
You do not say how long you have been divorced but if your ex has re-married and has moved, why does that have to affect your friend?
Life is full of coincidences, no big deal.

mcem Wed 15-Aug-18 10:34:00

Be civil to the ex and get on with her life.

MawBroon Wed 15-Aug-18 10:34:27

Oops, sorry I misread that, I thought it was your ex you were talking about.
Please ignore.

paddyann Wed 15-Aug-18 10:39:53

I'm sure he's entitled to live wherever he wants so theres nothing she CAN do about it .Let him get on with his life an dshe can get on with hers ,none of her business if he's living in the same place .

Riverwalk Wed 15-Aug-18 11:05:31

coincidence or...…

What would the 'or' be, and why would he want to upset her? I can't imagine her ex and his new wife moved to the same town just to annoy her.

Bit of a bummer though!

glammanana Wed 15-Aug-18 11:09:44

Your friend has obviously moved on with her life and needs to ignore what has happened.
I would imagine that there would be very little chance of them attending another large social event at the same time and if it does happen they can just keep their distance from each other if they do not communicate with each other.
Personally I would acknowledge the ex and his new wife to make for a more plesent outcome unless they are arch ememies so to speak.

Squiffy Wed 15-Aug-18 11:55:49

coincidence or...…

He may be someone who hasn't/won't let go. Stalking.

Magrithea Wed 15-Aug-18 11:56:50

I should add that the divorce was fairly acrimonious and that now she would be able to divorce him under the 'ghosting' law - the one about psychological abuse. He was very pleasant in company, full of stories and anecdotes, but not so nice in private - suspicious, jealous, imagining all sort of things that were totally untrue. Personally I wouldn't put it past him to have found out where she was now living and move there!!

It's not a huge community and it's quite likely that they will attend the same events.

stella1949 Wed 15-Aug-18 12:04:58

Since they are both remarried I assume that some time has passed since the divorce. No matter what he was like when they were married, it's all long ago.

All she can do is to act polite but distant. And to make sure that she is with her husband when she goes to other community events. But there is no point in worrying about this since it may well be a total coincidence and nothing to be concerned about.

sodapop Wed 15-Aug-18 12:08:34

That puts a different complexion on things Magrithea.
If I was your friend I would ignore him and get on with her life unless he seems to be intruding on her life. They have both remarried so hopefully that's an end to it. I can understand her concerns though.

FlexibleFriend Wed 15-Aug-18 12:11:55

I don't see the problem, surely enough time has passed for them to manage to be civil if somewhat brusque with each other.
Nothing pisses the ex off more than to see the you having a good time without them so just carry on and enjoy life as if he'd never reappeared.

Anniebach Wed 15-Aug-18 13:07:16

They both have started new lives with new partners, why would he move with his second wife to follow/upset his first wife

gillybob Wed 15-Aug-18 14:00:42

It does seem quite a coincidence that the ex and his new wife should just happen to move to the same village as your friend and her new husband Magrithea so I do understand the concern, especially as you say in your second post that the divorce was "acrimonious" and he has a few nasty traits too. Is it possible that when they were together as a couple they both expressed an interest to retire/relocate to this village at some point and they have both persuaded their new partners to do so?

If I were your friend I would just try to stay clear (don't know if that will be possible in a village location) and definitely don't engage with them as a couple other than maybe a polite nod/hello. If she finds he is turning up here and there and she is worried, then maybe a quiet word with the police or a solicitor just to get things on record wouldn't go amiss.

Telly Wed 15-Aug-18 14:51:26

I imagine they have no choice put to stay put and see how it pans out. It could be one of those things and they may hardly ever see each other. On a personal level, if it did seem as if this turned out to be more than a co-incidence I would up sticks rather than let it spoil the rest of my life or wait for things to happen. While it may not be ideal it would seem to be the lesser of two evils.

ChaosIncorporated Wed 15-Aug-18 16:38:42

If you friend suffered emotional abuse, OP, then I absolutely understand her reaction. Sadly, time and even new relationship, do not necessarily cure the reaction to seeing the abuser again, or the emotion/fears that meetings may trigger.

A decade on, including therapy to mitigate the damage, and with a successful new life, I would have no choice but to sell up and move if my ex bought in the vicinity as I would not be prepared to put myself through the mental strain of not knowing when I might bump into him. Not all damage magically heals with a decree absolute.

Your friend has all my sympathy, OP.
A dreadful situation for her..

Bluegal Wed 15-Aug-18 17:19:07

Does your friend suspect her ex is stalking her? You don't say so but you ask if its a coincidence or...........

If she does I can see why she is upset especially if she left him because he was abusive. Other than that, she is happy now, he has a new partner and maybe it is just a coincidence?

Bluegal Wed 15-Aug-18 17:19:51

Apologies - others have already raised that point sad

MissAdventure Wed 15-Aug-18 17:31:28

I would stay exactly where I was if I were your friend.
If she is considering moving away then the ex is continuing to control her, whether by design or accidentally.
Either way, the best way to treat a controlling person is simply not to "play ball".

agnurse Wed 15-Aug-18 21:37:17

We live in a rural community and Hubby's ex and her family live in the next village. We co-parent DSD with Hubby's ex so we sometimes see them at school or community events. Our approach is to stay away but to be civil if we happen to run into them.

I should note that we do plan to move once DSD graduates high school, but that is not solely due to the ex. The climate here has long, cold winters and he wants to move somewhere a bit warmer.

Melanieeastanglia Wed 15-Aug-18 23:09:16

Polite but distant approach is perhaps best idea.

BlueBelle Thu 16-Aug-18 06:12:26

Oh but so blooming awkward and also disappointing that even after moving on she can’t get away from him,
I m afraid I m very sceptical that he managed to move to the same village by chance and if he’s done it on purpose then he s done it to cause trouble and obviously mentally hasn’t moved on You can’t make me believe out of all the villages in U.K. (or wherever you are) he’s accidentally chosen the same one
Well yes she needs to ignore him, but he may not make that possible, unfortunately I think I d have to consider a move but he could go on following her so not necessarily the right answer

How did the accidental canapé handing out meeting go ? You don’t say if he acknowledge her or not ?

Grammaretto Thu 16-Aug-18 07:17:34

What a nasty shock but if they had no DC in common and nothing keeping them from being anything other than acquaintances, it may be possible to be just that.
It must have been common long ago when people stayed in villages or on islands where there was little chance to escape from your past.
Nowadays there are scary things like adopted children "meeting" possibly abusive birth parents on social media and threatening that new relationship.
At least your friend is an adult.
Good luck to her.

Granarchist Thu 16-Aug-18 10:28:12

My friend's ex definitely moved to her new village to stalk her - or at least to cause as much stress as possible. There was no possible reason he needed to move there - nightmare.

tessagee Thu 16-Aug-18 16:22:00

Gosh, this reminds me of the first Dr Foster series. I'd definitely feel spooked by this.