Has your husband ever had an affair and how would you react

As much as I love Mr. S., I wouldn't be able to stay with him if he had an affair and wouldn't expect him to stay with me if I had one.

It isn't about forgiveness. Forgiveness may be possible but the betrayal, the breaking of trust is something I couldn't get over. I'd never be able to trust him again and IMO you can't have an intimate and close relationship without it.

I always think, and I don't want to upset anyone, that if the relationship you're in really matters to you, you wouldn't put it at risk by having an affair.

I would probably try to find out why. I think an affair is often a symptom, not a cause of a marriage break up. But I would not tolerate remaining in touch with a past fling.

My ex had an affair and is still with her 14 years on. He made it clear when I found out that he didn't want to try to make it work. Once I got over the shock I was relieved to let him go as I'd not been truly happy for a while. I've never met anyone else since but happy on my own. It would have to be someone very special to make me go down the marriage route again as I realised I'm pretty self sufficient. I have 2 great grown up kids and good relationships with them, and plenty friends. When we first split I thought I couldn't cope on my own with 2 teenagers, but I did. No regrets. As someone else said maybe if you love someone enough, but I didn't so I was better off without him.

Hazbeen
I would need to know why.? Even if only for two weeks what did 'she' give your husband that you his wife , didn't /couldn't /or hadn't given him to make him want to do this to you.Did you ever consider once he came back in obtaining professional help as it appears from your comment 'its not as it should be' doubts are there Will he do it again?.

After unexpectedly losing both parents in my thirties within the space of a year shortly after having moved to be near them, I (unknowingly at the time) was suffering from depression and struggling to cope with two under school age children. My then husband was part of a theatre group and went out quite often, and as he didn’t drive he was given a lift home by a married woman and, ( as I found out later) they would sit in the car in a layby on the way talking for ages - perhaps he was asking for advice on how to treat his miserable wife! I am pretty sure that they did not have a physical affair because he stayed friends with the couple for a long time after we split up. This would not have been grounds for divorce but to me, it was more hurtful than if he’d had an affair just for the physical satisfaction of it. I was desperately lonely, he preferred to spend time talking to her than being with me.
So in answer to OP it all depends on what your relationship was, is now, and could potentially be if you stayed together. For me, even then, affectionate companionship was what I wanted most.

Ex husband had an affair, think that says it all

I would be heartbroken if my hubby even considered having an affair which I am sure he has never done,if it had have happened though all trust would have gone I'm affraid and there would be no going back for me.
Well done rufus2 on reaching 62yrs with your lovely wife its a massive achievement,my hubby's motto is "happy wife happy life" and we have managed 42+ yrs on this little motto of his.

I found out and by the time I did he was madly in love with her. They married as soon as we divorced. Thirty years later I am seriously over the moon to say 'it was the best thing that ever happened to me' I went on to further education and a career and my boys are beautiful human beings. Dad's themselves and good husbands and fathers.

Onwards and Upwards life is good

First husband had an affair with a woman he worked with and second husband had an affair with one of my close friends. In both cases I was the last to know and there was a tremendous amount of hurt and betrayal. I feel the lies they tell are the hardest thing to take.
I wasn’t given a choice as to carry on with the marriages as they both chose the other woman and left me.
I am a glutton for punishment as I am now on my third marriage but it has lasted 19 years and I am as certain as I can be that he has been faithful.
I would be absolutely devastated if he cheated and feel it would have to be the end for me and would probably never marry again.

Yes, been there hubby had an affair but we did work it out, I confronted them together it was very painful but I am very strong mentally and after DH had some therapy we found out why he went off the rails, but we still loved each other and wanted it to work, he is totally different now and so is our marriage all for the better, and when the affair was over, it was over, he never saw or spoke to her again, it takes time to get over the anger and build up the trust but 8 years on we are very happy and enjoy our life together, so it can work just look forward not back.

He’d have to leave and the same goes for me if I had an affair too. We’ve discussed this and always been in agreement; once the trust is gone that’s the end as far as we’re both concerned.

But it’s different for everyone, your circumstances are yours and I wouldn’t judge anyone who made decisions that weren’t like my own.

I stayed with my ex after had an affair ( when I was pregnant) but to be honest I did forget about it UNTIL it happened again with someone else many years later. That is why he is now my ex.

I could never forgive an affair as I would feel that once the trust has gone, it’s gone. As for staying in touch if someone did forgive, that’s just rubbing salt into an open wound so how could anyone tolerate that. My friend said she did because she loved him. I asked what it was about him that she loved .... the way he hurts her, the way he disrespects her ... or the way he is continuing to humiliate her ? She did then tell him that she believed in equality and that maybe she needs to find someone else too, to fill an obvious void in their marriage. His adverse reaction was clear evidence to her that the marriage was truly over and she so deserved more ....

Mine did after 25 years of marriage. He told me straight away and since it was obvious he had no intention of ending it I told him our marriage was over. The split was horrendous though as he lived in the same house with me for nearly a year while we tried to sell it-couldn’t afford to move out.. our children were teenagers and it affected them badly especially my son who was still at home. Eventually we sold the house and went out separate ways. He did me a favour though as I’ve been much happier without him and found a new man who really loves me. I don’t think things can ever be the same once this happens so I’d advise to get out if at all possible.

Menopaws has it right for me. Happily I did not have the experience or anything close. Seems to me without trust the very foundation of the relationship is wrecked. I take my hat off to those who've 'recovered' but I fear my soppy in-built joy could never have coped with any sort of disloyalty and, perhaps, particularly infidelity.

If he was in touch with an affair partner I would not know about it, the minute DH had an affair he would be history. I don't do forgiveness.

What would you do Rufus if your wife had an affair??? Would you have her back? Would you let her go? Would you try and fix things?
Interesting discussion.

He'd be out of the door immediately!
I don't understand why some women 'fight' to keep an unfaithful husband, if mine didn't want me, why the hell would I want him in my life? I'm worth more!

I don't think a relationship is worth it if one strays, speaking from experience. We battled on for many years after an affair but in retrospect I feel we should have parted for both our sakes. Every time we argued the same old bitterness reappeared, it was torture. Keeping in touch with the third party just rubs it in more. If he is communicating with another, you have a massive problem. Get rid for your own sanity.

I have been in this position and he left me for her for 2 weeks before admitting he didnt want to be with her but back with me. After a lot of "discussion" I took him back but boy has it been hard!
One of the conditions was no contact or anyone who was connected to her (they met through a mutual friend). It has taken 4 years to put it behind us and it still rears its head now and again.
The trust side took a long time and I am not even sure its as it should be now but we are trying. We try to be a lot more open with each other and talk about how each of us is feeling.
I suppose we love each other so much it is worth the effort, but sometimes I still have a little cry about it.

Yes he did. I divorced him. She was dumped within 6 months.
We're now on friendly terms and his wife (who was in no way involved) is one of my best friends!

Are you saying you would ever trust your OH if you discovered they had been having an affair?
jusnoneed! Sorry if I've upset you, but it was meant to be a light-hearted comment even though I realise it can be a traumatic situation.
I'm not sure if your question is rhetorical, but I think it deserves a response.
My dear departed Vera used to say I lacked compassion and she was rarely wrong when discussing me, and we "survived" 62 years married so we must have been doing something right.!
I guess we trusted each other implicitly; in any case I was forbidden to "dilly-dally" and I was brought up to "do as I'm told.!"
Ta-Ra

Well it all depends!!! Its not a simple question but I have never thought that it should be a definite no on either side - women commit adultery too but we only seem to talk about men doing it.

I don’t know, hope I could forgive but I couldn’t if still in contact with the mistress

I had a similar experience Gillybob, its hard isn't it ?
Circumstances vary with each person and its more difficult if children are involved. We tried to work things out and in fact stayed together until the children were grown up. Not in a monogamous relationship though. Once trust is broken its hard to regain. On reflection I would not do the same thing again. Hindsight is a wonderful thing !!