Breakfast........... to start with [confused]

Lots of good advice on here but the bottom line is people only treat us as we allow them to so you either give him an ultimatum to stop this abuse or walk away maybe if he thought you were going to start bringing it into the open with your family he would realise the seriousness of his behaviour

does the minister friend know all the information?

is " do everything separately" really feasible? Will it be enjoyable?

I am overstepping the mark here, but I fear for you Padine. If somebody has hurt you, whats to stop them doing it again?

Your adult children may know more than you think.

You mention the OCD tendency and that the controlling has worsened since recital. Did he have a job in which he was responsible for controlling people/system/manufacturing? He may be missing being able to assert his authority and is doing so with you. He needs help from a professional e.g. GP, counsellor as do you particularly regarding the physical violence. Contact Women's Aid for guidance. Does anyone else know of his aggressive tendencies? If so they may be able to give you some support. You cannot go on with the situation, you will be a nervous wreck fearful if what he may do to you next.

It sounds like the "do everything separately" is an attempt to get back some control.
Have you always been the one to "give in"?
I'm just guessing that's what he may expect to happen this time, which is your perfect opportunity to bring about some changes.
1 being; he must never lay a hand on you again.
The rest are up to you..

Some very good advice on here.
However him suggesting you bothe do everything separately is worrying.Is it a sort of veiled threat?
Only you know that,but if it is I would suggest what others have. Get some money in an account of your own,enough to be able to rent a small place,you'll need a deposit too, and enough to get by for a couple of months if you can do that without him smelling a rat.
After so long together you wonder if you can mange on your own but you can!
The worry is when you feel you can, he will sense it,and he'll get scared and that's the flash point.Have a fast escape plan.Please. Please.
Hair pulling can be the start of much worse, and as we get older bones can break from a push if you end up falling,then you won't be able to run.
Good luck.

Padine Please take all advice given on here about making preparations for a future life on your own.
His behaviour is inexcusable. However, think about it from your husbands point of view. In the last couple of years he has lost a lot, his job and with it his identity, his old home, area and associates, his father also his son has married (perhaps leaving home).
He is rudderless, lost and he is trying to control the only thing in his life that he feels he can, you.
He needs a new life! An interest. A part-time job? Volunteering? Man Shed? A dog to walk and meet people, as already suggested. If he was happier with his lot then he would probably feel less need to control you.
If he is not prepared to put effort into changing his life then you will have to think of yourself and your future.
Does your son know what is happening between you?

This is abuse. I would seriously consider seeking advice from a solicitor. He sounds like a sulky bully.

So much good advice I certainly think you should make sure you understand all the finances and lay your hands on some of your personal documents, passport etc, in one safe place. It sounds almost like the children think his control freak side is a bit of a joke? what would they say if they knew he pulled your hair etc. I hope you can get things on track but I would be very wary, breakfast seems the least of your problems.

You deserve so much more from life than physical and mental abuse; with friends, professional (lawyer etc) help there is no doubt you will get what you deserve - peace, contentment and happiness

There is a 'Top Ten' list of life changing (traumatic) events measured by the level of stress and emotional devastation they can cause. The higher the number, the more potential for unhappiness.

One or two of these and life can become very difficult. Your situation includes many of them (see the link below). Some take it out on the other, instead of being more supportive because misplaced anger can turn into abuse.

There is absolutely no excuse for the physical and emotional abuse you have endured, but that could be a symptom and not necessarily the cause.

After 36 years your marriage is definitely worth salvaging, but you will both need to seek help together, before you give up on each other. He's likely just as unhappy as you are, perhaps even more.

paindoctor.com/top-10-stressful-life-events-holmes-rahe-stress-scale/

I hope this helps. Hugs, Willa

Padine would your husband consider going with you to Relate for some couple counselling? Perhaps someone neutral who has talked to both of you could help you both.

I think retirement is a shock for many men. They perceive themselves as having lost their purpose in life, their status and a means of occupying themselves. The free form shape of retirement, choosing how to occupy yourself during the day, not being contained within a timetable can be very frightening and behaviour problems can get worse as they cling on to a preconceived idea of what life will be after they stop work.

Padine It sounds like a plan BUT I would suggest you do check your financial interests - yours and his incomes, whose name the house is in, savings, shares. who tends to manage the finances, anyway? You would need to know all the details if God Forbid he died, so it is better knowing now. Do you have any interests in common? do you holiday together? is he ever good company at all? I agree it is worth putting effort into saving a marriage and yours is 30 years. However, counselling is a good idea if both of you want it.

I am glad that you are feeling stronger and wish you much happiness for the future - just remember to take the advice of your good friend and be more assertive.
From Danni x

Padine I am glad you feel stronger. The hair pulling though is particularly worrying, the point being surely he should be mortified at his own behaviour! If he's not, that's worrying!

Hi Ladies, I'm ok thanks, enjoying a day when he is away hill-walking for a whole day. We have 2 grown up kids and one darling 6 week old grandson who lives about an hour away by car. They have no idea that their dad is being abusive to me, they know he is a control freak but he also is a hard working man.
My marriage is worth trying to save. I told him yesterday that I want to sleep in the spare room for a week to have some peace. His reply was to do everything separately, I'm happy to go along with that. "That" has been the problem along - I've given into him all our life together (we were 18 when we met) I won't list it all but I can see I've to be assertive (advice from a good minister friend, who is a very dear friend I could talk to) and the abuse will not be happening again. Did a lot of thinking last night and feel stronger, mainly thanks to advice from other Grans.
Annie, I had a laugh at your idea of a dog, I am very much a cat person but if he found a cat-friendly dog, I'd buy him a bowl! (the dog, not husband.............but why not??!!)
I do feel in a better frame of mind now and cheered up too x

annie1948
Are you for real ?
The bastard has pulled her hair several times
Yes, I'd get him a dog, a pit bull and lock him in the house with it.

8.30 am?? I get up about 10 if left to my own devices and/or have no appointments.

As far as I know children of abusive and controlling parents often seek a marriage partner with the same traits, quite unconsciously. Perhaps this is what you have done.

Equally, as you spent all your childhood witnessing your father behaving like this, obviously you just assumed all men do this when your husband started it.

Anyway, you have nothing whatsoever to be ashamed of here.

It is easy for all of us to feel that your marriage is not worth going on with, but only you can decide that. It all depends on whether you still love your husband enough to want to go on living with him.

Taking a less serious view, you have been through a lot of changes all at once, retirement, menopause, back-problems, moving, your son marrying and your FIL dying! My guess is that both you and your OH need time to adjust to all these changes.

Try to discuss all this, and what you both want out of your retirement openly and honestly with each other. If your OH won't talk about things, then get professional help finding out what you want.

If you and your husband stay together, some compromises may be necessary - getting up at the same time as him 2 or 3 mornings a week, perhaps? On his part, he needs to accept your interests and respect them.

This is coercive control he is a bully and TBH will only get worse, maybe when he was working it was all diluted, as you weren't together so much. It's DV, and an offence. Pulling your hair leaves no scars, but it is physical violence. I did the freedom programme, and that was really great helping me realise all the things he did, that didn't involve hitting were still abusive and controlling, destroying my things, the works,. It is free, I did it several times as it took a lot of getting my head round, but am so glad I did it. Just say you are going to a woman's group or something

When my husband retired suddenly I was offered a job of two afternoons a week. He was a little put out but did accept it. I haven't made breakfast or lunch for the family since my children wanted to stay in bed until noon. I used to say I would cook once a day in the evening and we would all sit together at 7. That has extended into retirement. I get up and go back to bed with a cup of tea while my husband is in the bathroom. He then goes downstairs and gets his own breakfast. Lunch is similar, we each get what we fancy when we fancy it. We spend the daytime at home in separate rooms although we do go out frequently together for coffee etc and go on holidays together. I am going to look after my grandchildren this weekend and my OH is staying at home quite happily. I could not live in my OH's pockets although I still enjoy his company and we still have fun together. Retirement is tricky but it can work if you are both able to do your own thing at times.
Only you Padine can decide what you want but you have to make the rules.

Padine, David1968 is right. This man is abusive. Get out. We are such a short time on this earth, you deserve some happiness and the chance to make you're own mind up about how you live your life. Best wishes to you.

Padine, your husband is a very sad man and seems very insecure, would he like a pet
Say a dog that needs lots of walking !

Padine As one comment states (quote)' do you want to stay with this man,30 years is a long time!! You do not discard another human being like it was a piece of trash because your new life as in retirement is bringing forth a lifestyle in which neither of you want to 'give or take' of one another. Was that 30 years so bad that you are still together ? Ask yourself is it worth saving and yes you could have another thirty years ahead of you and where can you see yourself in those thirty years.If you truly love H then seek professional guidance. At least give it a try. before throwing in the towel. There must have been some thing there or you would have fled long before now . You don't mention whether you have children or GC.

A controlling husband ? yuk

You have a right to do as you feel , you are both retired , so he will soon get hungry if you don’t cook his breakfast , and get his own , .... he won’t go hungry .... stick it out for a while and stand your ground ....