How to find friendship

I don't think it does personally. Those things maintain but don't progress a relationship IMO

Got to actually BE with a person to move things along IMO

I think contact includes all means of contact, email, texts, phone calls etc. The research did not say face to face contact.

So how on earth, if I can't see a friend that lives just an hour away more than twice a year (in person. We message/phone more often) am I supposed to find 150hours that suit us both to make a new friend? Or even 50 hours for a "casual" friend?

Every time I think I should try to make new friends I think about how hard it is to sort out meet ups with old friends and then I think that I do have friends, I just see them too rarely people arent free to just "hang out" everything has to be uber organised in order to work around everyone's commitments. So you don't have that lovely casual time just having a cuppa at each others kitchen table. You have something planned to death every 4-6 months instead.

I miss seeing friends weekly instead of monthly/biannually.

Why is everyone so busy? I am too yet I spend loads of time on gransnet doing not much alone....but then when it comes to comparing diaries with a friend to catch-up, I can't do the day they're free & vica versa.

My friends are brilliant people and great friends but everyone seems so logistically distant even if they don't really live that far away.

I know why I have the problem. I am not 46, and I miss the three friends I have had for most of my life, my sisters. We do not discuss family affairs outside of the family so people assume I am as I have always been, surrounded by a large extended family. If anyone asks how is x or x or x , I say fine thank you . I have no choice.

Among the figures she comes up with are: To move from being acquaintance to casual friend takes 50 hours contact and to a close friend takes another 150 hours.

Thank you for sharing. It's interesting. And a bit depressing.

Its easier to make friends when young because you can live in peoples pockets a bit more, which can be horrible but it also helps you bond with people. You house-share/lodge. Go on work nights out etc. And generally spend longer at a time with the people you DO meet.

A term of adult education is only 12 - 24 hours spent with that group. Its not like being at college/uni/work training with people 9am-4pm is it?

notanan The author is writing as a 43 year old who has just moved a back to the UK from Europe and is faced with building a new social life, conscious that she is not good at making and keeping friends. She looks at it scientifically and speaks to scientists doing research in this field.

Among the figures she comes up with are: To move from being acquaintance to casual friend takes 50 hours contact and to a close friend takes another 150 hours.

That reconnecting with old friends and acquaintances is more efficient than finding new friends and we need to make more effort to keep the friends we have.

That the more you see people the more you get to stop being afraid of them (in a social sense) and get to know them and the friendship process can dvelop

That it is true that joining a group to do something you enjoy increases your chances of meeting a friend as you will already have a common interest.

At the end of the day, it is how much effort you put in that governs outcomes.

Nothing new about it. But it is interesting to see the usual advice backed up by scientific research.

I think it is always worth while working out why you have the problem. My father was in the army. We were always on the move, changing schools, 9 in all, moving house, 21 permanent addresses in 21 years. I became very good at striking up friendly relations with people, but never learnt the art of turning acquaintances into friends, and really never have.

But I do accept the problem is me not others, and I have made one good friend through GN, because, I realised she lived locally, had a problem and perhaps I could help, so I swallowed hard, pm-ed her and suggested we met for coffee. It might not have worked, we could have hated each other on sight, I was prepared for that, but it worked and I am much braver now.

Notanan2 has got the key to making new friends rather than aquaintances, think of it as dating. Start with small talk then invite whoever for coffee at a local cafe, find out their likes and dislikes, family, relationships, then suggest another date together that would interest both of you.
Of course us girls are not good at initiating dates, take the plunge, but be prepared for several refusals before it clicks.

One thing I have found is that if I attend something I tend to rush off straight afterwards. Force of habit, thinking I must get on with something. Now I hang about and chat to people. If necessary I will go up to someone on their own and talk to them.
Also I find that the more trouble I have taken with my appearance the more likely people are to talk to me.
Still making friends in this area, it's hard work.

I don't have lots of friends, but the few I have are very important to me, even though some of us only meet a couple of times a year. I met a lady about two years ago, just walking around my local garden centre, and we got into conversation. We found we had similar interests and exchanged phone numbers, and since then have met up regularly. I also started volunteering at a Barnardo's shop 3 years ago, and thoroughly enjoy my few hours there. The other volunteers, and many of the customers, are great fun and it's good to do something to help others. I'm also lucky enough to have a son and daughter, who live close by, so I see them and their families each week. I have 2 sisters, who I consider to be my best friends too, who live in Devon and Spain (I'm in Kent), but we speak on the phone each week and text one another in between, visiting for a few days at various times during the year. The U3A is something I might look into. There are lots of opportunities out there, it's just finding ones that are of interest to you. Good luck, and let us know how you get on.

In fact, sometimes the more acquaintances you have the lonelier you feel!

There's nothing quite like being surrounded by people to make you feel lonely sometimes. Especially if you have a lot of people around who may be pleasant to you but wouldnt be much bothered if you, say, changed your dog walking route and never saw them ever again, but nobody around who really cares.

Not that I don't value pleasant acquaintances, I really do, they make day to day life that little bit nicer. But you also need friends

Meeting people and making "friends" is not at all the same thing.

Your life can be full of people you make small talk with and you can still be lonely and "friendless".

You can have lots of "company" and still lack friends.

Doggy acquaintances etc are nice. But IMO completely unrelated to making friends. Unless you somehow transition/progress them from doggy "hellos, how are yous" to something more, which is the part that most people find hard.

A good way to meet new people is to get a dog! Alternatively the Cinnamon Trust organises dog walkers for people who can't walk theirs, because of health or age etc. Most people will stop and chat if you have one and I have met lots of people over the years with mine. Although there is the added advantage in that my dog loves people! When she was younger she would bounce along on two legs when someone approached! Even dog haters had to laugh!
If that's not your thing, then there are some excellent options to try here. I met a good and lasting friend through a forum who had a walking group page. The walking group became just us two in the end. But we have been friends for 10 years now.
Be open to new ideas, and has been said, keep your expectations on the low side. Good luck

What were the main points mOnica?

There is a really good article on this subject on p19 of the Observer supplement today. It is a nice analytical one with good hard advice. I am going to put it aside to read carefully later and then have a good think.

maurenmargret You mention NEW friends? Do you have any long standing friends? Sometimes, like finding partners, it is just better to go about your days being 'interesting' not looking for anything in particular and friends/boyfriends graviate towards you.

It also depends on what you term as 'friends'. I know possibly hundreds of people but have only a few true friends.

When I moved to the area I moved to I knew nobody. My 'friends' lived miles away. Then I got my amazing dog. I started walking him and speaking to lots and lots of like minded people. Not saying they ALL became friends but they have become people I walk with, enjoy the day with etc.

All really depends what you want in a 'friend'.... true friendship to me is far and few between.

I think you've got something there Notanan I already know some very nice people and I'm going to make more of an effort . thanks.

Agree annep, that's why the usual online advice ("put yourself out there by taking a class, volunteering or joining a club") can be at best simplistic and at worst disheartening because you gotta start from zero, make NEW acquaintances and then try to progress them on to friendships.

Looking again at the people you already know, and taking steps to get to know them better, can sometimes be less daunting.

Often we don't see what's under our nose. Most of us know lots of people we just don't consider them friends (yet). It may seem more exciting to seek NEW people to make friends with but you can rekindle and deepen existing relationships too

It is scary Notanan. Some people are really shy. (me)

Volunteering and clubs/hobbies are great for "company", for the duration of the session. I don't find they lead to actual friendships outside of said activity though.

Actually groups are problematic, I find it easier to progress friendships 1:1. In a friendship group you don't necessarily have true friends, you are valued for your role in the group dynamics and if that role changes (e.g. if you go from coupled to single or single to coupled, lose a lot of weight, get sick, get better, go tee-total etc) you can be resented for the knock on effect your life change has on the dynamics and meet-up habits of the group.

I find that I only really make "friends" when I spend time with people away from whatever group threw us together. Doing that is scary, its a bit like dating.

You probably already have plenty of acquaintances. Perhaps rather than following the usual advice (volunteering & hobbies) which puts you on square 1 with new acquaintances, see if you can deepen your friendship with the acquaintances you already have maybe?

Thats so nice lemongrove - that you meet up with Gransnetters. You're obviously quite good at making friends. Some folk are better at it than others.

book groups are great, not too large a group works best, meet in each others houses and talk about the book [ then other things] and coffee and biscuits, it's very social.

WI is another good source to meet people, I have made quite a few friends that way over the years.

Also neighbours can become friends with a little effort on your part.

I have made a lovely circle of friends from Gransnet, a group of us meet up every month for a meal out, and I have met others less frequently [they are from more far flung places] but still a pleasure to meet, and many online GN friends as well. Good luck.

Oh well..I'd rather be living here and happy. She must not be as unhappy as she seems.

We all do, we asked her to come home but her response is "if you're broke and miserable at least youre warm"

I do feel sorry for your sister Diana54.