Adult daughter issues

I can see where you are coming from, but saying that you have to just accept that she is your only child and this is the life she wants to lead and you should be proud of how she has turned out. I have a daughter but we don't have the usual mother and daughter relationship because of her disability but I am lucky that I have a son who shares my interest in craft and other hobbies but he hasn't turned out how I expected but I don't care and am still very proud of him. Love your daughter for who she is and find something to fill the void.

I rarely post my views but feel I need to contribute to this discussion. Forgive me if I’m repeating comments you’ve already read.
I feel your anguish violetflowers but you need to remember that 24 is still very young. She’s enjoying the fruits of her labour; she’s clearly very clever and worked hard so why shouldn’t she explore the high-life with her partner. It may feel shallow to you but she’s expressing how she feels ‘at the moment’. It’s far too early for her to be thinking about settling down and having children. It may be that she’s made a conscious decision to enjoy the material things of life to the full because she knows it won’t be forever. I think you should be proud of what she has achieved ‘so far’ and think of some activities you can become involved in to distract you until she considers her options - about a decade’s time.

Poor girl - what a thing to be - a disappointment to her mother! It's her life, not yours, let her live it her way. No wonder she is absent if you convey your disappointment of her - what a shame

Good grief she's only 24 , girls these days have far more opportunities these days to rise to the top then we had. Why aren't you proud of her and her designer clothes or would you rather her slobbering about the house with loads of kids in tow ?
Girls can have both these days unlike my generation . Girls at last can show they have brains and ambitions and in time babies.
I hope she never sees what you've written, she'd be devastated , I feel sorry for her.

Maybe you are not the mother she hoped for..........? May I suggest you try the positive spin, she's happy in her way, she's self supporting, not a criminal, drug dealer etc. etc. - maybe she doesn't make much contact because she senses your disappointment, do you show any interest in what she is doing. The way she presents herself is the uniform for the environment she works in. I spent my working life in a uniform (nursing) wasn't expected to like or dislike it - just conform. There a a vast number of people 'out there' who would sacrifice a great deal for a daughter - try to enjoy yours

It may not be the lifestyle you would have chosen and definitely do not want for your DD. You though cannot live her life for her. The current lifestyle is what she has chosen and you have to accept it is her right to do so. Sure if you think back to family traits there will be someone who has shown or had the same type of career as DD. If she is happy that is a huge bonus. Stop dwelling on what might have been and enjoy what is.

How sad to read a post that a mother is disappointed with a daughter because she isn't who she wished she would be at 25! I hope that doesn't come through in your actions when you are together because undoubtedly she would be thinking the same thing about her mother!

please bring your mindset into the 21st century.....your daughter is only 24 -not long out of college or university with dreams and aspirations. You should be supportive of her commitment and work ethic. She sees opportunities for herself and is working hard to reach her goals. Just because they are not your goals for her, there is no reason to express disappointment and even less reason to be depressed!

And at 24 she is not ready to bring children into the world - and that is her choice to make whether she is 24 or 34! You have to realize that not every daughter will - or can - fit into the role that meets a mother and grandmother's fantasy. Please try hard to change your mindset, and in doing so you may gain a more positive perspective on life in general.

Got to be a wind up, so obvious.Notice OP hasn't responded.

I can't believe you begrudge your daughter's success and would rather she had the same kind of life that you have. You should be so proud of her and I hope you tell her that you are. I would love my daughter to be successful in the fashion industry and give me lots of advice!

Although she may not be the kind of daughter you dreamed of you should be proud that you bought up a strong independent woman, who has a successful career at a very young age.
Don’t give up on her yet, a lot of these yuppies get to their 30s and panic because their body clock is ticking down.

When my daughter was around 5 years old, someone told me not to have any ambitions for my child as her future life was none of my business. Although, I've always wished her health and happiness, I've basically supported her choices and wishes.
I don't know if this is the right or wrong way to parent but if felt correct to me.
I think your daughter's life, is hers and she's living it how she chooses.
You should take pride in bringing up an independent, strong, focused and successful daughter, who is thinks for herself.

Children weren't meant to turn out just the way we want them to. Our role as parents is to provide the tools they need in order to be successful, independent adults, able to make sound choices in their own life.

It's hard sometimes to face the fact that the job is done and it's no longer up to us what they do. That still doesn't mean we are not loved.

So, be more supportive of your daughter. These days thirty is the new 'twenty' and young professionals are getting married and having children much later.

She's only 24. Once she starts her own family, it's a totally different dynamic. Both my daughters got married in their thirties. Now that they have husbands and children they've become much closer to us (even the one who lives over a thousand miles away).

Above all, don't despair. Be proud of the independent, successful woman you raised and always let her know how much you love her.

Dear violet flowers.
Your beautiful successful D has a life which is full of hope for the future. What young girl for that is what she is, doesn't have an overwhelming interest in fashion, money, career, and enjoying herself with a lover. Be thrilled for her and get on with your own life. It, life, is short enjoy yourself and start doing something wonderful for yourself.

I have five sons, the eldest is 37 and a drug addict living on the streets, the youngest is 27 and has ASD and doesn't work. Of the middle three, two work in manual jobs and one is working in IT. You don't know how lucky you are, I feel sad that you feel this way.

I have three daughters. I brught them up to be independent and to find a career they enjoyed. My daughters' being fulfilled and happy is very important to me. Your daughter is living her life as she is entirely entitled to do. I'm afraid how she spends her hard earned money is her business. Perhaps you should visit her, take some interest in her career and get a life of your own? Could ask yourself if you are
the mother she expected you to be?

Can't be many people disappointed in their fit, healthy, successful adult children?

Good grief op she’s still a kid and she’s achieved so much!

Tell her you are very proud of her and take her out for a meal and cocktails.

Celebrate her fantastic acheivments and give yourself a head wobble. She sounds a credit to your parenting so you should both celebrate that.

My daughter is distant too although we see a lot of her. But the attitude she has to life is totally different to ours and there is no warmth or closeness between us like I wanted it to be. Sad but that's the way it is and she is a career girl like the poster's daughter.

My son is 31 and living on his own I'd give anything for him to meet a nice girl and have a living relationship but is that what he wants??i dont know only time will tell all I really want is for him to be happy and i will live the moment when it happens .

Violetflowers most 24 year old women haven't got round to thinking about children these days. I know it feels odd to us, but look around at the ages of your generation's daughters when they become mothers for the first time.

Perhaps your daughter doesn't want children and if that is the case nothing you can do will change that.

Try to enjoy the fact that she is a success in her chosen career and has found the time to find a permanent partner. In six years time they may well get round to starting a family.

Is she cold, or do you just feel guilty because you sometimes wish she was different? If she is distant it could be because she is afraid she has disappointed you. Let her know that you are proud of her. It won't do any harm and it might help to bring you closer together.

I find this incredibly sad. A successful daughter, doing well in her chosen profession, you should be so happy for her.Having children is not the be all and end all for some women, they just don't want them. Perhaps she is "cold and absent" because she picks up from you that you are not satisfied with her choice of life. You cannot live your child's life, be happy and grateful for her. I have 4 lovely children, perhaps I wished difference in their lives but it is their life and they must live it how they choose. Just love her and perhaps next time you see her tell her how proud you are of her and what she has achieved and how much you love her.

"Instead she's rather cold and absent" I expect that's because she can tell that "she's not really the daughter I would've wanted."

Honestly, I'm a bit gobsmacked by you. You say "all my friends wish she was theirs!" Well I suggest you listen to them.

I've just gone and dug out a book from the shelf, a favourite book that your comments on your daughter have reminded me of - "Trouble with Lichen" by John Wyndham (1960). The main protagonist, Diana, has just won a prestigious scholarship, and whilst her father and teachers are delighted for her, Diana knows that her mother isn't. Her teacher is trying to explain why that might be -

"Has it ever occurred to you that when the daughter of a domestic-minded woman chooses to have a career, she is criticising her mother by implication? She is saying, in effect: "The kind of life that was good enough for you, Mother, isn't good enough for me." Well, mothers - like other people - don't care for that very much."

Your bemoaning that she doesn't live nearby and isn't "chatting about marriage/grandkids" - well, yes, you sound just like Diana's mother there. And as for "maybe have/or be studying for a more meaningful job like being a vet or a doctor" - well, you're actually calling her chosen career meaningLESS then, aren't you?

You're taking it personally that what she wants for herself isn't what you wanted, and that will frankly be poisoning your relationship. Because I don't for one second believe she's not fully aware of your opinion of her choices.

In short, your "adult daughter issues" are actually YOUR issues, not hers; and if you want to have any relationship with her (and any grandchildren she may CHOOSE to have at some point) then I suggest you give yourself a bloody good talking to. Carry on the way you are now and she will become more cold and absent, just to protect herself from her selfish and uncaring mother.

Sounds like she is having a wonderful life and has achieved a lot. Be proud of her and her achievements. It is normal now for women to wait until their 30s to have children. My eldest didn't have her 1st until she was 36 and 2nd at 38

I think you should grow up, she is living her life not your dreams, that is how it should be. I recently lost my daughter at a young age to cancer. I would dearly love to have her back living her life her way.

She's only 24. Be proud of her. My daughter has a successful career and didn't have her first child until she was 35 and the second at 42. I was always thrilled to hear about her career and wouldn't have thought about her having children until they came along. Even if your daughter waits ten years she's still a young woman.