Adult daughter issues

As so many have already posted violetflowers, be happy that she is healthy and be proud of her success.

I think many of us have dreams of what our lives will be like when our children grow up. Thoughts of wonderful weddings, family gatherings and GC to love and cherish but for many these dreams don't become a reality.

None of us know what the future may bring which is why it's better to focus on the here and now and be thankful for what we do have, rather than focusing on what we think is missing.

Your daughter is only 24 time enough for babies at 34. Please be grateful you have her. My cousin lost her daughter through cancer at 20, I know she would give anything to be in your position.

I do empathise. My DD has serious mental health issues and can be very difficult, although my overriding feelings that I want her to be happy. It’s hard to accept that she isn’t the darling girl she was but it’s teaching me to be accepting. My sister has the model daughter and they are very close so I feel envious. I guess I assumed that would be the same for me. I don’t think many people voice their negative feelings about their children but we’re only human.

I also have a grown up daughter whose life has turned out differently than I’d hoped. Although she has a good career she has been plagued with mental illness since her teens. She lives a long way from me and when I visit it can be difficult as we haven’t much in common.
But I love her as she is and hope one day she will be free of mental illness.
She doesn’t have a partner and has never wanted children.
I admit I’ve been a bit sad about that but I have two grandchildren by my son .
We have to love and accept people as they are and not how we would like them to be.

I don't see what is shallow about what she is doing. The fashion industry is one of the biggest industries there is and is essential for the creation of jobs in many places. It is very successful and so she must have real ability to succeed.
My mother talked me out of changing my career when I realised that I was following a path that I wasn't happy in. I felt bullied but was not in a good place emotionally at the time and caved in. I have always wished that she could just have supported my choice. I admire your daughter for sticking to her choice despite your disapproval (which she will be very aware of however much you may believe that you have not shown it).
If she does decide to have children at a later date, she will be well set up and she may find it an easier career to work flexible hours than being a doctor, and who wants a reluctant doctor to be treating them.
I'm not sure what is expected of her. Should she feign an interest in medicine or animals? Should she ignore her artistic side?
It is all a bit confusing.

Young , glam with a decent career . A partner who is similar . Whats not to like ? I have several friends who have children of similar ages . One friend has supported her son through severe mental illness , another cancer and my neighbours daughter has just landed a part time minimum wage job after being unemployed for 4 months and parents are overjoyed . At 24 she has plenty of time for children or would you rather she would have had them whilst just finishing school ?
I am baffled by your post . I actually wouldn't blame her for distancing herself from what seems a one sided toxic relationship .

How unbearably sad for you, violetflowers, and a whole lot sadder for your daughter. If you are disappointed in her, maybe that is why she is cold to you. I think it is called Karma. Give yourself a good shake, look at her achievements and celebrate them... with her. Lots of people at 24 do not want children but they get broody later. The city is an exciting place to be when you're young but things change but she won't want to move back to an area where disappointment is going to be an every day occurrence. Do yourself a favour and start to build up a better relationship with her before it is too late.

My daughter is 44, single and has never wanted kids my two sons both have kids, 6 between them. The problem is their partners are both heavy drinkers and we have had many family arguments over their behaviour. They are not the daughters in law I would have wanted, so I am very grateful for the daughter I have, even with no man and no kids.

As your daughter is living in the fashion world, it is no doubt expected of her to wear expensive designer clothes etc. herself and I doubt very much if she will be paying full price for her garments, if anything. New designs are given to the rich and famous to wear so could also be a perk of her job.
You don't say what her involvement is but as a designer she might be making a long term career out of it but if she is a fashion model that might have a shelf life - at which time she might decide to have babies....or not.

You can't live your daughter's life for her, let her get on with it. I wonder if YOU were the daughter YOUR mother wanted? I think you are being very silly. What if your daughter had a terminal disease then you would have something to moan about!!!

I felt supremely sad to read this, violet flowers. As others have said, she is who she is. She is healthy, no disability, no drugs, works hard, earns her designer clothes herself....you still,have a husband, younhavembeen lucky enough to see your child grow up....so so much to be thankful for. Give her a hug as soon as she calls next time.....please

Like loopylou I’ve also always lived with my mums disapproval, she’s now 88 and I’ve never had any praise for any accomplishment. I was at the top of my career with over 100 staff under me, but my sister who had 6 staff in her shop was much more important ! I dressed wrongly, did my up house wrongly, bought my 3 kids up wrongly ... you name it and I did it wrong ! My Dad said it was actually her jealousy. Whatever your reasons, please accept your daughter as her own person as others have said, be proud of her, invite her for a spa weekend or something you can do together and bond, life’s just too short. I stopped wanting my Mums approval many years ago, I see her once a week out of duty and my sister who couldn’t do a thing wrong, now lives abroad so I’m all she has.... poor thing !

Hello, writing as a daughter I can understand your disappointment. My mother waited and waited for babies to come and secretly it must have been very disappointing for her that I have no ambition of being a mother! She's dead now and while my memory of her is lovely and comforting, I have terrible pangs of guilt whenever I think about how much I disappointed her, even if she never mentioned it. Do you want your daughter to feel like this about you? The worst a child could feel is that they have been a disappointment to their parents.

Is she happy? If she is that’s all that matters I have four children and only 1 precious grandson I imagined lots of grandchildren it will never be, are my children successful yes, are they happy yes. I am proud of them all and what I think is so unimportant. Better still everyone is healthy. Try not to mind so much it’s very early days yet

Children grow up to be their own people. As long as they are not harming themselves or others and they keep in touch ..job done!,

Hello violetflowers - Did you yourself want to be a doctor or a vet, and never get the opportunity? Sounds to me as though you wanted your only daughter to aspire to something you couldn't/didn't, and as a default position you would like her to be settled, married and bringing you grandchildren. If you are giving off signals, albeit unintentionally, that you are disappointed in her achievements and choice of lifestyle you may find that you push her further away and you never get the chances of the kind of relationship you want with her. I echo what others have said regarding her age and career - at 24 she is still very young to consider throwing away all her obvious creative talent which is what would happen if she were to have children - as you say yourself, fashion is a difficult industry to break into. My advice is to keep in touch with her as much as you possibly can, show her you value her job success and turn a blind eye to the designer trappings that unsettle you. Don't even mention them. I get where you're coming from on this particular issue, but when she does have children she won't be able to afford them so let her have this period in her life and enjoy it.

P.S. There is much there to be proud of, a well groomed clever smart daughter earning her living, independent and not having kids to various dads while out of work. She sounds wonderful.

What a shame you can’t just be proud of her for what she is. Have you ever considered that you might not be the mother she’d hoped you would be?

I find this rather sad and wonder if you are a touch lonely in your own life? Do you have friends/work/hobbies that entertain you, it seems like you have a gap/void that needs filling.
At 24 that is so young for settling down/having children/giving up a career. Maybe could you try to show an interest in her world, let her take you to a fancy restaurant or bar or go shopping to a nice store just to create that bond and make a step towards meeting in the middle.
You must have given her that drive/work ethic when she was growing up so it would be a shame not to support her now.

As a mother whose adored daughter died last year I beg of you, be proud of your child, allow her to be her own person. You have many years to come don’t waste the time wishing she isn’t living the life you chose for her, let her fly

Thankfully the one thing I learned is that I accept my DCs unreservedly- I'm immensely proud of them.

How very sad.
I've disappointed my mother all my 64 years and her 'aspirations' for me (but never my two younger sisters) mean she constantly tells me 'If only you'd been a doctor/married a doctor/had a DC who's a doctor/gone to university from school and not when you were 47 etc, etc, etc.'
Why? Because she wanted to brag about me to her friends ?
Our relationship is very tenuous, she's 92 and still can't accept me as I am.
Very sad and has blemished everything I do.

If many felt they could tell the truth, I wonder how many mothers 'would put them back' if it were possible. The stark reality of 24 hours per day interaction, grind and worry is not at all the picture many had in their minds before babies. The cute little pictures in Mothercare do not depict the child at all. The difference in children now, to the obedient docile creatures we were during the 50's and early 60's was miles `away from the kids attached to phones, drugs in the air, violent videos and much else. It is credit to the parents who steer their teens through this minefield today.

If your daughter is happy, be proud of her and what she has achieved in a very hard industry. 24 is awfully young for her to be written off regarding children. I think she is distant because she knows your disappointment in her life choice. Embrace her choices and I think you'll get closer

You are so lucky to have a happy healthy daughter who you have a relationship with rejoice in that and be happy .