Adult daughter issues

mother. I must learn to type slower!

Especially at age 24! She sounds far too busy for motherhood and she may or may not change her mind in the future.

Do you have unfulfilled dreams of your own violetflowers?

If you were a mother by the age of 24 you must still be quite young. Would it be a good idea to pursue your own dreams and ambitions instead of expecting your daughter to fulfil them for you?

If she becomes a morher, not when. Its not obligatory.

Give the poor girl a chance to get going. It must be awful for her to know -and I'm sure she does know- that you would rather have her married with two toddlers. Then you would have something to do and be able to hold a baby again and use your experience in child care etc.

BUT there is more to being a mother and a grandmother. You can only play a small part in their lives. You had the main part in your own life.
Back off, accept her as she is, give her plenty of space and let the relationship warm up a bit. Then you can step in when she becomes a mother in her thirties. Which is the time modern women have children these days.

I wonder if the desire here to have a grandchild is to have a "second go" to get the girl your daughter wasnt?

What if she did have kids and they turned out to be just like her? What then? What if she had 2? One like your fantasy and one like her? Would you be able to be a decent gran and love them both?

Grandkids won't fill the gap until you've reconciled your expectations Vs reality...until then, if there were GCs, you might just cascade the sane issues down to the next generation!

Ok, I see I'm not the only one who feels your daughter may be cold to you because she senses your disapproval. You say you feel sad when you see other mothers and daughters together. But if you want that, then I think you have to make sure to show her some warmth and praise her for what you can. Or if that doesn't come easily (it has to ring true), then, at least show an interest in her work, travels (if any), etc.

And as I said to another op, please don't assume there won't be any gc. People do change their minds. I'm NOT suggesting that you try to change hers, just saying she might change it. Iv seen that happen a few times. It may be later than you had hoped, and she may dress her kids in designer clothes that you find "ridiculous." But it may happen. Don't give up hope!

Just posting my first reactions, haven't read through the whole thread yet. So please forgive me if I repeat what someone else has said...

I'm sorry you're disappointed in who your dd is and is not, violetflowers. Maybe that's why she's "cold and distant" though? She must sense you don't really like her (I know you love her, but that's different). So maybe she's uncomfortable around you.

Yes, she's smart, that's why she's successful and can afford designer clothes, etc. Not my taste either, but I'm not her and neither are you.

Can you let go of your vision of who you thought she'd be and appreciate her for who she is? Try to see her ambition as a good thing even if it's not in a career that helps people. Try to appreciate the chic (I imagine), stylish clothes she wears instead of thinking about how "obscenely expensive" they are. See it as a sign of her financial success instead of as a sign of her "materialism." I'm not asking you to change your values, just to try to see that there may be a more positive side to this.

Also though you may miss having gc - I'm so sorry about that - please try to appreciate that maybe she's too into her career to give herself to a child. Maybe she realizes that and feels it wouldn't be good for the kid. Please realize she might be right about that.

I understand you may not be able to let go of your disapproval and disappointment that easily. Perhaps not at all. In that case, you'll need to accept that your relationship with her will remain distant. Sad but true.

Please also try to find joy in other parts of your life.

Unconditionally

Very good advice here! You need st stop dwelling on you and let her be whatever she wants to be! Nothing worse than people NAGGING on that they have no grandkids! Love her unconationally and let her know before its too LATE.

Yes,I thought that vintage. The OPs dream of how it would be didn’t quite add up. A twenty-four year old, studying to be a doctor, away at uni, on the wards 18hrs at a time , studying for exams. And she would be in a relationship, planning her wedding, maybe have a child on the way. And still have oodles of leisure time to spend going out with Mum, shopping and chatting.

I hope the OP can see it is all just fantasy land!

If she were training to be a doctor or vet, she would probably be far too busy with her studies to spend much time with you, and would face the prospect of an enormous student loan to pay off in the future.

I think you are lamenting the relationship you thought you would have. I don't have the relationship I would have liked with any of my children. None of them live close or visit often. But we all love each other. They know I love them and am proud of them all and glad they are happy. I tell them. Your daughter is who she is and has worked hard and obviously is happy. Love her as she is. She has to live her life her way. Be what she wants to be. Nothing wrong with preferring the fashion industry to being a vet. Its what she is interested in. Please just let her know you love her and are proud of her.

And I think Violet has the right to feel disappointed about the current relationship she has with her DD

If OP had said "I love my DD but struggle to like her" the responses would have been different and I suspect almost universally sympathetic.

That's not really what's described by the OP though is it? Its not that there are things about the way her daughter IS that she finds jarring, that's not it. The OP is disappointed that her daughter isnt someone else entirely which is a totally different dynamic.

Its okay, normal even, to not always like the people you love. At least not everything about them. Or not always .

Its not okay to be unfavourable compared to an unobtainable fantasy though.

Agree with Gabriela, but with a big hug ?

Hi Violet, what a brave post. Short of getting your virtual head ripped off you voiced a tabu subject apparently far worse than if you had admitted giving up your child for adoption or had an abortion etc.
It is interesting that so many people identified with the daughter. Our childhood impressions and pains are so deeply ingrained, we carry it around all our lives. We have to remember that we are all products of our parents including our own parents and grandparents etc. I disappointed my mother in my youth and she is still disappointed that I moved 600 miles away and not there for her in her old age. Whilst I have the right to live my life the way it is good for me, she has a right to feel disappointed. And I think Violet has the right to feel disappointed about the current relationship she has with her DD. I have three children who I love with every fibre of my heart. I can relate to DS and DD2 extremely well but I too have felt disappointed at DD1 materialistic and shallow values. When she was a child we had very little money compared to her friends and she always vowed that she would be rich one day. She got what she wanted. She works very hard (in the beauty industry) has a great job, a lovely husband and a child BUT nothing is ever good enough. Her self value comes from money and success. I find that disappointing. I always tried to instil altruistic values into my children and whilst I am delighted at her success and tenacity I am also of the opinion that success and money are not what makes us happy in the long run.

I just feel so sad when I see my friends with their daughters

I think you are also seeing a fantasy too and not reality when when you look at your friends daughters.

I would just like to add, I was born with an expectation which was to ''look after my late Mom'' in her old age. It's a long story I won't bore you with. It set me up for a life that was pretty messed up as I was fed that. I shudder at what you have said. I totally agree with what muffin has said above.

This is a different generation. A good portion of young women aren't settling down and having children until they are in their 30's. It sounds as if your life is empty and you are looking to your daughter to fill the empty void, you have.

Be proud of who she is. Yes I do have 1 daughter out of 4. Our daughter lives abroad and has just come out of a relationship of 8 years. She is now 31. Thank goodness they had not had children, so she isn't tied to contact with him.

He cheated on her; she walked. It would have been far harder for her to leave it they had, had children. I know that because of my own experience with my 4 biological one as they call him.

She would like children if she meets the right man. She does not have this tied up in her identity. What happened for us is were married young and had children young. I had three of mine by the age my daughter is now.

Sometimes I have a little niggle that I hope she meets the right person etc. However it is not my life to lead. We have a good relationship because I allow her to be who she is.

Your statement of your daughter hasn't turned out as you wanted, made me shudder. Our children are through us not of us. She isn't your property.

My daughter hated kids! At 29 she was still ‘living the life’ In London, great job, great lifestyle and I honestly had no desire to be a granny either.....I was just so glad that she was happy. And then..........she met someone ??? Within 6 months she had emigrated to Australia with him and we now have 3 beautiful grandchildren......and.....we are now emigrating too. That was 11 years ago, I thought she’d be back inside 6 months but it just goes to show, you never know ! ???

My daughter moved to Australia and pursued a successful career. She finally met the man she wanted to spend her life with, and last year had her first (and only) child at the age of 44! My only regret is that they are so far away.
Love them, but let them go on their own path. Support them, whatever they choose to do, or they may not stick around in your life.

Absolutely brilliant. Clearly violet’s daughter and I were swapped at birth, because I’ve never been any good to my mum for pretty much mirror image reasons.

The problem with that attitude, violet, is that your daughter is only 24. At that age I still wished I could be the “right” daughter.

Luckily a couple of good therapists put me right. It wasn’t me with the problem.

I’ve been a lot happier ever since. I also have absolutely no respect for the opinions of a person who thought my purpose in life was to be whatever would make her happy, and all my achievements and wishes be damned.

You probably only have a couple of years, going by my experience, before your daughter writes you off as a disappointment to her as well.

Even the most loving of daughters don’t have infinite tolerance for rejection and being “the wrong person” our whole lives.

I honestly think you should explore these feelings with a professional before you’re sitting in ten years time wondering why she never phones.

Sorry if this is a hard dose of honesty, but this is something that you need to fix before it becomes unfixable.

Dear Violetflower, I too know the pain and struggle of having a changeling for a daughter. My DD and I are very disimilar, have nothing in common and don't really understand each other. I can see both sides of the picture as I know that my Mother has the same problem with me...

My relationship with my mother has exactly followed the grieving process described by another poster and because of this experience I have tried my best to stay relevant in my child's life and be the parent she needs. It isn't her job to fulfil my unmet parenting needs and aspirations.

My daughter is a little older than yours - at 24 DD had also forged a totally separate identity for herself, put two fingers up at our values in the process and was generally shaking the dust of her family off her feet. Now 6 years on, she is more secure in her own skin and more accepting of our differences. By making the effort and spending time with her we have both learnt to appreciate each other. We get on better personally and I think our relationship will continue to strengthen and improve now the turbulent young adult years are behind her.

Don't waste energy grieving for the "might have beens", acknowledge your loss and hurt and then return to your here and now. You might find mindfulness exercises help you to stay focused on your relationship with your daughter rather than flimflam daydreaming which will just feed your unhappiness and disatisfaction.

I think it’s more complex than simple be proud or be wrong. We feel what we feel... and that’s what this forum is so useful for. I have 3 adult kids and love them all fiercely. However my eldest who everyone says is just like me lol ( nearly 42 ) hardly ever visits us or sees us and is not like my other son nearly 40 and daughter 32 who are both very independent yet warm loving and inclusive. I know the eldest lives us but he’s self centred and not family oriented... I find it so hard, but accept it, and would never upset him and his family by moaning and comparing, but it makes me terribly sad. So I empathise.

Only you can change how you feel violet so if you choose to look at your cup as being half empty then you are always going to be disappointed. You can change that mindset if you really want to by seeking help. I remember being hugely disappointed when my daughter got to an age when she was old enough to enjoy shopping and then found she only wanted to do it with her friends, definitely not with me. However it is what it is and I soon learned to laugh about it. To be honest, it sounds like you need a little bit of help coming to terms with this before it ruins your relationship with your daughter completely. Try Time to Talk, a brilliant service for getting your head straight.

violet. I do think if non of the opinions/advice hit home now they will never do. It really is something you have to address in yourself.