husband and children/grandchildr en

Hi manny, four years ago I released myself from a 29 yr relationship that had started going wrong approx 15 years in. The final straw was when he rejected my need for affection.
The responsibility for the breakdown was purely on his shoulders but I gave him the opportunity to tell me if he had issues with me that he had put up with. He thought long and hard and admitted that there was nothing. I felt validated and it made for an amicable split after 6 months of continuing to share the family home while I found somewhere else to live.
Like yourself, the unhappy feelings do not happen overnight. Quite a few years prior to the separation, a thought popped into my head that I didn't love him anymore. I was distraught and pushed it away, but the same thought kept returning until it was there every day.
Please don't put it off any longer.
It's better to be alone and happy and you have your family.
You are slowly losing yourself and your situation will not improve.
Your husband may not listen and that's his choice but you have to be selfish for your own health and wellbeing.
Take courage, I wish you well x

Usually I can see two sides in every situation to the point that it irritates friends who have come to 'have a moan'. But in this case I echo all the advice given above. Plan, consult real life friends/family whom you trust, seek legal advice and then, as they say on Mumsnet, LTB.

Leave him permanently, it's your only sensible solution. You're not going to get any less unhappy staying, just more so as you inevitably feel more and more resentful. Living alone has many advantages (I'm happily married, but have been divorced twice and loved the times in between!) and for you a huge advantage will be increased contact with all your lovely children and GC. Get out now, before you have a full blown breakdown.

It's never too late to get out of a miserable lonely marriage you deserve happiness .I left my home and most of the contents after a 27year relationship he was constantly jealous and tried to come between my family and friends I lived like you in a constant state of anxiety due to his miserable intolerance of my 3 children get out he won't change my regret is that I missed out on my family due to me putting him first for so long.

it sounds miserable beyond comprehension i know its frightening and scarey splitting but you are getting nothing staying. you are lucky in having a second house so i would take advantage and go to it. i cant see anything changing tell your family you need them and i am sure they will rally round

Oh such sadness and really what have you got to lose? Are you financially secure? Could you start a new life? Your family are important as well as your husband its up to you but I think you know what you have to do.

Your AC are going to become increasingly resentful that you are putting your husband's needs and wishes before them. They would be saints not to. You have to decide what you hope for the future and start by looking at your options.
You can't live your life for your AC but it seems like a choice between being lonely in a difficult marriage and being lonely on your own.
I would suggest making a detailed alternative plan. Then put it aside for a day or two and just allow everything to wash over you. Then see how you feel. You will mourn for the marriage that you wanted to have but you need to be realistic about the one that you do have. People live longer nowadays. Do you want to be with him for another 20 years possibly as his carer? Would he become yours or would he not tolerate that either?

Oh Manny ...that's no life. Hard as it is to 'break up' ...especially now that we are older and possibly feel less resilient...surely the thing to do is to end this mistake of a marriage before any more damage is done to both you and your relationship with your children and grandchildren. Sometimes the letting go is more the pain of relinquishing the dreams, hopes and expectations that we had of a relationship, than parting with the cold hard day to day facts which stare us in the face. You married hoping to be happy and to share these years...now in fact you are tired, sad, lonely and medicated. Please take your courage in both hands and make a new life for yourself, with your loving family able to be as much a part of that as you and they want to be. Controlling husbands are bad news and in my experience get worse, not better. Sending hugs (((xxx)))

Is he French and did you get married in France. The laws are very different here, especially if you 'abandon' the 'family' home.

Jools1903 that’s my story too ....no man on this planet will ever get between me and my AC and GC. I told my 2nd ex that if he even put me in that position of choosing him or my family then he would lose..... and he lost. What your husband is doing to you is pure mental cruelty, he knows you are in pain and anguish, and clearly does not care. My advice to you is to confide in your AC ASAP and am sure that they will help you find a way out. We only live once and life is far to short to be so unhappy, go .......

Oh manny you have my deepest sympathy and empathy. I can so well relate to your situation. DH and I are enquiring about counselling as we, also, seem to be leading separate lives with one being semi-retired and wanting to 'see the world' - as well as family and friends and the other sinking further into work (self employed from home) and acknowledging he is withdrawing more and more. If I find a solution in the counselling you will be the first to know - rest assured you are not alone

All I can add is no man would ever come between me and my kids I would never never never accept from day one that one part of my family couldn’t stay or visit why on Earth go along with that I just don’t understand
You wrote two years ago so you were already very unhappy after only six years together now it’s worse
No one can tell you what to do but only what we would do and no way would a man dictate who I could or couldn’t have in the house
Good luck . Manny

Sorry, should be 'whilst you'.

If your husband is the catalyst for your feelings of anxiety and depression and having to get counselling and take prescribed medication, it's time to leave whist yku still have your sanity and some semblence of a relationship with your 'other' two AC and their families.
Married for four years, things going downhill after two years...not good.
I doubt he'll change.
I wish you all the very best in making that decision.

The more you write the worse your husband sounds.

Ah! what I'm reading is that HE is calling all the shots here, HE wants to keep working/organising etc
HE won't go into your children's homes
HE won't have a social life with you
HE won't compromise!!!
Well, no way in my book would any man -especially a second husband- come between me & my children, EVER!
Nothing changes-if Nothing changes Manny! So change it, get out of each others space for a while-stay with your kids, build a few bridges with them -life is too short for regrets.

Maybe you could move out and make the relationship more like a courtship again?
I appreciate how hard it must be to face the possibility of splitting up, but it sounds quite a joyless existence for you.
I hope you can come to an arrangement that brings you peace of mind.

Yes and I think that what he's banking on. Also for the first few years he made an effort but now he feels you are tied up to him and knows you would find it scary to go. Please talk to your children about this.

I think your husband is being unreasonable. My 2nd husband had never been married and so had no children of his own but he has accepted mine so much that they now send him the fathers day cards! So it is possible for him to accept your children but frankly it seems that he doesn't want to. I think the best idea is that as you have 2 houses you go and live in one and leave him in the other and see how he gets on. If he doesn't change then either carry on living apart or divorce.

Why are you staying with him? Ask your self and if you find you could manage on your own, then get out of this miserable relationship, life is too short to be miserable all the time.

Things haven't changed in two years so they are unlikely to change now. It's hard to tell someone to do this and no doubt a much, much harder decision for you to make and actually carry out but I think you have to leave him before he drags you down further. You seem to have a lovely family network who will support you and hopefully you will see your way to a better life that you can enjoy again

Are you staying for the `beautiful house in France?`if so then that is a sad reason to stay unhappy.

I'm afraid I have become very suspicious in my old age. OP married someone of 74 with no history of children. Very convenient to have a hostess and a carer. And he spends a lot of time on the internet.
I really think you should talk to your children and also a solicitor to see how you stand.
At this point I would prefer to stay close to my children.

"I can't see any solution to this, other than to separate. I don't want to do this"

" I'm afraid of loneliness, I suppose."

Loneliness and being alone are two very different things. And I don't think you'd even be alone if you were to separate - do you? Loneliness is what you are experiencing now, in a marriage where you need drugs to get through your day. Yes, that was a very harsh statement - but it's true, isn't it? Your marriage is making you anxious, depressed and angry. I really don't see how clinging on to a dead relationship is in any way a good thing for you.

You already know what needs to happen - you knew it before you posted here. I'm guessing you need others to confirm that your feelings about your marriage are valid, because he's probably telling you that you're nagging him about nothing, everyone lives like this yadda yadda yadda.

Get out. Get out as soon as is humanly possible. This is no way to live, and you would be much happier without this marriage.

Women are strange, we're far too nurturing and understanding of men who are too old and selfish to deserve nurturing. Sounds like the kids care about you more than he does, after all they're still coming out to see you, even though they have the hassle and expense of having to lodge nearby.