Support for all who are living with estrangement

Today was hard for us. It was the day of my dad’s death and both estranged boys birthdays. I did send my son a card and texted a “ happy birthday.” I got a “ thank you and thanks for the card from him.” So some progress. My DH didn’t want to send his son anything as we are going on four years of estrangement. He has the two boys sndcmy son is single. Mom had lunch with my ES yesterday and he says he will talk to us when his sister calls him and arrange to talk over that famous fight. Mom asked him “ What does that have to do with your mother?” She also asked him if this was ever going to end and he said yes it would. My DD all ready gave him two text messsages saying she was sorry for something she didn’t start. He told my mother that he took him and his sister shopping and she got things and he didn’t. This is a perfect example of a skewed mind.He and I went shopping many times Ali e and even when he was an adult at college I would visit and buy him clothes. But what may be skewing his mind is that he wanted $100 shoes when he was fourteen twenty seven years ago and I wouldn’t buy them. He wanted $50 pants and I got him two for that price. He was the one who wanted “ name brand” clothes and not his sister. If that’s the worst he could come up with then I guess I did okay as a mom. Seems a stretch doesn’t it?

Sorry for the typos . New glasses.

When I related stories of how my son treated me ....... and my subsequent hurt and disappointment, I was asked by a counsellor, Why would you let somebody treat you like that?

It pulled me up short. Why would I? If a friend treated me like that I would have dropped them years ago. Why should I allow such shabby treatment and yet keep giving and forgiving.?

This has made me change my actions. I no longer hang about waiting for the odd crumb to be thrown my way. If my son does t want to spend time with me, does t enjoy my company and doesn’t seem to like me much, so be it. There are others who do like me and I choose to be with them.

I only have one AC, so things more focused really. Just find it incredibly sad and constantly disappointed with AC actions , terms and conditions , I thought I'd gain a daughter but my DIL is just as cruel and mean. So together a real force..... Children are so innocent, I love my GC dearly. Thanks for suggestions and advice. So kind. Next year a holiday away such a shame though when I do have family and I know my GC would enjoy time with us....

Pythagorus, this is exactly what my counsellor said to me. I had been beating myself up trying to figure out what I have done that is so wrong for my son to treat me as he does. I went out of my way not to say something that could be taken the wrong way.
It was only when my counsellor asked if I would let others treat me like this that it finally made me sit up and think about it.

So though it is hard to not see or hear from my son and his family, I will no longer allow him to dominate my thoughts and make me ill.

CassieJ.......wish I could get to that stage. He dominates my thoughts and I feel no joy in anything.

Aquamarine, my brother's wife spent last Christmas Day all by herself. My brother passed away a few years ago. She is estranged from her son, due to money issues. I invited her over to stay with me but she declined.
She is very well off, so this year, I think she is going abroad with a group of singles. Hope she has a nice time.

CassieJ maybe that is the answer. Sit up and think. It seems that it is all a power struggle and the AC likes the way it empowers them. My own mum keeps telling me to leave them to it and ignore them. Then they will feel the hurt when they realise they have been abandoned. When they are older, there will be so many demons to cope with. And what children want to grow up in a bitter environment with insecure parents that do not know how to share love. I imagine my smart GD only 5 years old will see whats really going on and maybe one day will tell her little sister, other GD only 18 months. But i am not going to wait for that day. I am a person too and deserve the best life i can have. If they want me, im right here. Your msg helped

Rhinestonea very difficult day for you, I'm sure you'll be glad when it's over. Sounds like your mum handled your ES very well. I'm assuming he didn't reply when she asked him what his argument with his sister had to to do with you.

As far as your relationship is concerned it's a 'non issue' as is his belief that you buy things for his sister when you don't buy for him.

It's good that he responded positively to the card and text message you sent. A glimmer of light is certainly preferable to no light at all.

You're right Pythagorus and Cassie, we wouldn't allow any one else to treat us so cruelly, we wouldn't keep going back for more so we shouldn't feel guilty if and when we make the decision to walk away from the abuse and begin a new chapter in our lives.

Aquamarine I can't imagine how soul destroying it must be to constantly aware of the terms and conditions you have to adhere too, and the constant worry that if you some how fall short, you may have no contact at all.

Mr. S. filmed our dogs yesterday, our 4 year old little dog was washing the face of his bigger, 10 month old 'sister'. It was so sweet and I said to Mr. S. how sad it is that animals know how too, and often treat one another much better than humans.

We had a lovely evening last night. Th 2 of us went out for a Thai meal and when we got home, played with the dogs, listened to Christmas songs and laughed at our shared memories of both boys.

Not a single tear was shed.

Smileless1212.
A lovely post, very uplifting. Thank you. For everyone suffering pain or sadness, there's great comfort in sharing and reading posts, may not resolve issues but when you feel very isolated and alone, good to know it's not only you. Which sometimes you do think x

Aquamarine although I know what you meant by "good to know its not only you", tbh I wish it WAS only me - this heartache isn't something I'd wish on anyone. Actually that's a big fat out and out lie, I'd wish it on my ex DiL ten fold!

Yes *Smileless *my son never answered my mother when she asked him about me. All he could say was about his brand name clothing and that I always am sticking up for his sister. Again that’s his perception . And this is what we have to remember that their perception does not make things true. And this for many of us the estrangement... all based on the skewed mind. My ESS once told me my DH went fishing with his friends and they all brought their sons except his dad. I encouraged him to talk to his dad about it. He did and it never happened... no one brought their sons. It was judt my DH and his friends. So there you have it . They misperceive, believe and estrange.

Don'taskme
You're right wouldn't wish this situation on anyone, karma doesn't exist , I've waited a long time !
Will try to have an imposed very quiet Christmas....

Well I've got a sore throat and a headache so looks like I've caught my DHs man flu for Christmas! Didn't matter how many times I told him to wash his hands, throw used tissue down the toilet etc etc his germs have invaded the house and it was inevitable. That's the good thing about having an imposed quiet Christmas like you, Aquamarine, - I can wallow in my pit all I want! Knew there'd be an upside somewhere! I've had a very large glass of an alcoholic beverage and could care less atm.

Am meant to be grateful for a phone call Christmas day from AC and GD. I had planned to turn Mobile phone off and pull out landline ! Drastic I know , but I'd rather not speak to GD as I know I'll get upset, and think how I'd love to be sharing day with my family, at this family time !!! ??? It's like I have to be grateful for crumbs.... I know other GP will be there, there's no sharing or fairness, taking turns... My AC is expecting to phone, shall I tell AC of intentions ? Unsure..

Aquamarine

1. What they do with the other GPs is not your concern.

2. It's up to you, but you should be aware you may be cutting off your nose to spite your face. It may not be what you want, but it is contact. If you tell your AC "I don't want any contact except on MY terms and what I want", you may well find that you get no contact at all.

In our case we have never visited DH's family for Christmas. They are in the UK and we are in Canada. We spend some time over Christmas with my parents. We can't afford the small fortune it would cost to fly that far. "Fair" never enters into it.

First of all take what Agnurse says with a big pinch of salt. She cannot and shouldn't judge. I think what Smileless and husband did was the right thing, they couldn't take any more . Her son should be ashamed of the way he has treated his parents, the letter he sent her was cruel, I cannot imagine what makes him tick. I think Rhinestone is beating herself up every day, she cannot help her sons, they are in need of professional help with their irrational behaviour, please let go, for you and the other family you have. It is so hard, because I have been where you are. In the end it is down to them, but down to us how we choose to allow ourselves to feel and be treated. Do not accept the unacceptable. Make it clear that you love them and want a relationship, then the balls in their court. Life really is too short coping with the pain. I know how low I became, it took a long time, too long, for me to let go and make a different life. When the pressure is off sometimes things sort themselves out. ? To all of you.

Well said Luckylegs. We all have to try and find a pathway through our own individual situations and every one of us is different. This time of year simply heightens the feelings of loss, separation and "other-ness" that makes it even more painful than usual. I too urge you to try to ignore agnurse's "advice".

Do whatever you need to do to help you get through this season; be gentle on your self, avoid those who you feel are judgemental and seek explanations that upset you to provide, find good kind company elsewhere and ignore the bull shit "advice" from those who seek to add to your pain for their own nefarious reasons.

I wish you all peace of mind.

I second the post from Chewbacca.

Smileless - great to see that you and Mr S have started your festive celebrations to positively.

It is SO easy to say that what is done with the other grandparents is "not your business!" Factually I suppose it isn't but when that routine impacts massively on ones own life/hopes/ relationships it is both human and understandable to feel sad/hurt/resentful etc ....and expressing on this thread is ok!! It would be good if people could do that without having to be told repeatedly that its not their business...we all know that in the end it isn't, but frankly on this thread ...so what!!!! It hurts! And if grandparents are in another country that is patently a different situation to what many sad grandparents on this thread are in agnurse! Surely you can see that?

At this most difficult time of the year, when the pain of estrangement is for many at it's deepest, this is the place to come and share.

We can share any positives we have, in the hope that we can spread a little to those less fortunate. We can share our pain, anger and resentments too, with the majority of those who come here and understand.

You don't have to be estranged to have understanding and compassion for those who are, as some posters demonstrate.

agurse you may yet surprise us all and read the posts which you so readily pass judgement on. Aquamarine didn't say she only wants a relationship with her AC and GC on her terms. She asked if she should be grateful for the crumbs she is thrown and no, I don't think she should be grateful.

Those of us living with estrangement exist in an emotional famine. We don't partake of the emotional feast that you have agnurse. You have not been abandoned by your AC, you have not been cut out of your GC's lives. You enjoy your emotional banquet and tell those less fortunate to be thankful for a few crumbs.

Of course it's the concern of the estranged P and GP that the child and GC they long to see is spending this most family orientated time of the year with in laws and the other GP's.

Have you ever asked your DH's family what Christmas is like for them year after year without spending it with their son and GC? As "fair never enters into it" do you care?

TBH you've annoyed me agnurse. I came on here to wish everyone a joyful and peaceful Christmas. I realised that there would be some sadness expressed here so close to Christmas, but I didn't expect to see a posters pain responded too in the way you did, not even from you.

You may surprise us further by responding to posters in future, with a degree of compassion. In the meantime, at this most difficult time of the year for so many, perhaps you could refrain from posting at all for the next few days, unless of course you have something kind and positive to say.

I'm sure I'll be back here before the day itself but in the meantime I wish you all, each and everyone of you a peaceful and I hope a joyful Christmas.

Thank you all for your friendship, care and support, for being there for me and for allowing me to be here for you

Thankyou Smileless and Thankyou, all you lovely people, for just being here to listen when I have wanted to rant. I must admit I feel guilty for even complaining, when there are so many loving GPs being totally airbrushed out of their GCs lives. I will see my older son's children on Xmas day, even if it's just for an hour. My son dislikes me, and my d.i.l. hates me, but they are letting me see the children on Xmas day. They did not come to the family dinner I arranged yesterday. Neither did they go to the one that my ex arranged. They are slowly but surely distancing themselves.
Let's make the best of what we have . Merry Christmas all ..?? ? ????

Hello ladies,
I pop in once in a blue moon just to send you all good wishes, so here's hoping you have contentment, peace and love at Christmas.
Best wishes to you all. X x

Thank you MissAdventure and the same is wished for you x

I would like to wish you everyone a peaceful Christmas and hope that you all manage to enjoy it.

I'm in bed feeling rather poorly but hope I'll be better for Christmas Day with DH. I'm making him run round after me atm as I caught this from him, the swine!

Happy Christmas everyone