Support for all who are living with estrangement

Dolcelatte thanks for sharing your good news with us and it looks like you are going down the right path to reconciliation, so well done.

As for me, I have given up hope now, into the 7th year It's taken me 6.2 yrs to accept. I can see clearly now what I should have done, but at the time I was traumatised and it's a fact a grieving brain dose not think in the normal way.

Nice to hear about your lovely time in Oz Smileless with your dear son, yes the birds are truly something to behold.

Punk I feel for you. Take great care of yourself. I know how hard even that can be and what unkind, nasty comments one can receive for endeavouring to repair one's own mental health because no one else is truly interested despite those very same people frequently saying they "care". Ugh! Take care and enjoy what you enjoy.

by the last post; perhaps it's on the wrong thread.

Dolcelatte how great it is to hear good news. It's certainly looking positive. Long may that continue. We all hope for one another the good fortune of reconciliation.

We struggled with the heat here in Aus. yesterday; 104 but it was slightly cooler here today and is set to gradually cool down over the next few days.

Our third trip here and by far the best. We hadn't been fully aware of the pressure that our DS was under with his marriage, but being here now that they have parted, he's his old self again. No tensions in the home. We understand that she's doing well and is happy and are pleased for her. DS is happier and more relaxed. It's sad when a marriage comes to an end but sometimes it's for the best.

Strange how life turns out. DS is only here because she wanted to emigrate and here he is, on the other side of the world without her.

Smileless, do you think he might return to the UK at some time?

Thank you Yoga and Smileless for your kind words. I am hoping and praying for good news for everyone on this thread who has been blighted by what seems to be a terrible epidemic.

Smileless, it sounds as though your son's marriage has run its natural course and it is better that it has ended. Our DC's choice of partner can have such an impact on all their other relationships, can't it? It's very cold back here in Blighty so make the most of the sunshine!

I don't think so crazy he loves it here. He'd love us to emigrate but I don't think we would.

Hi it's coming up to three years since I last saw my son. He is my first born and as such I totally adored him. However he has developed a personality disorder which he says is because I was not a good mother. I am now moving from feeling a victim of his cruelty to mourning. I have realised I talk about him as though he is no longer alive for example saying do you remember when we did this, that or the other with my son. Is this a similar journey that you all are taking and if so how are you coping

Hi Jan its been 6 years+ since our estrangement began.
Mr. S. and I talk about our ES in the past tense because that's what our memories are made up of.

You can't really talk about them in the present because they're no longer in your life. We've found as time's gone on that we talk about him less.

I'm glad that you're moving away from feeling like victim of his cruelty. It takes time and is a difficult journey and IMO, it's good sometimes to look back, to see how far we've come.

Isnt it strange that they blame their childhoods for their present problems? Even though I am not totally estranged from any of my 3 children ( the relationship with one of them is just hanging by a thread), I know they all refer back to their childhoods. And ofcourse, I was the nasty parent. Their father could do no wrong , even though he had affairs throughout the marriage, and then left. The d.i.ls are very friendly with his new wife. I am someone they just tolerate.
It's nice that all you Mums who are estranged have reached a point of acceptance and peace

Hi *Jan*We are coming up on four years of estrangement. I remember joining this group when I was in the early stages. We cope but all of a sudden out of nowhere comes my anger at what has been taken from us. To see our grandchild every week for three years and then he is snatched away is cruel. I may move on but will never get over this. If we had a fight it would be easier to accept but the silence is deafening.
We have tried every form of communication to no avail. We can only hope that one day our grandchildren will seek us out . Is it terrible that I want my stepson and his wife to suffer like we have? .... That I want karma for their bad behavior?
Sometimes our EC blame us for their perception of what happened not the truth of what really did. It is easier for them to blame us than take responsibility for their actions. And in many cases some use today’s values to vilify us for what was the norm long ago. It’s acceptable to be able to say and do what you feel like never caring about others feelings. This gives one a sense of entitlement and power.
We are living our lives the best we can but there will always be that underlying anger for me.
We are here for you.

Don't give up hope.......my s.i.l. (brother's wife) and her son did not see or speak to each other for 5 years after the death of my brother....all to do with inheritance/money. She did not see her grandchildren. But out of the blue, around Xmas time, her son rang her and he and grandkids visited her and are now on talking terms. Having said that, her d.i.l. refuses to bury the hatchet.

Oh crazyH, I sometimes wish no one would talk about hope!

Of course I know it happens and I KNOW you only wish us all well, but its soooo hard.
Placing our emotional future into hoping (something we/I have no control over) that someone else will turn around and see things differently!

I'm tired and angry today. I'm fed up with being played with.
I'm hanging onto an emotional crumb that's thrown at me from a control freak.
All because I love(ed) them and the gchildren.
Being isolated, singled out for different treatment.
Emotional games playing is not for me, but I'm surrounded by it.
I just feel like putting a bomb under it all and lighting the fuse!!!
Ignore me, cant find a second of lightness today.

NamsnannyI have been where you are many times . That is their weapon of choice , the children. They know it will hurt us and they feel powerful when they do it. I think you and many of us feel that hope is not viable because they HAVE the control and not us. We had the control as a parent but now they do. Is it all really a power struggle with our children?
(You did this or said this to me so you can’t see my children or talk to me)
As for me the only thing that keeps me going is that someday those children will question their parents and maybe contact us. And maybe what goes around comes around. That’s hateful I know but I’m being truthful.

I am glad I found this thread. It helps to know others are experiencing the same. So sad.

Rhinestone, I think some of these AC behave like giant toddlers and need to be treated s such by ignoring them as far as possible when they throw their tantrums. They only have control if you give it to them. Dignified silence is the way to go. Yes, it is heartbreaking when our children ignore us and don't show love or respect, but surely a child from a loving family ultimately wants to have contact with the person who gave birth to them, who is the tree or branch from which they sprang. I can't imagine how you would want to cut yourself off from your family, not on a long term basis, I really can't.

Dolcelatte I agree with your last post absolutely, if only I had had that mind set re; 'toddler tantrums to be ignored' right at the beginning of all this, maybe I would be seeing them again now, instead of the 6.3yrs of estrangement!

I thought it was just me that was being punished for being a failure as a mother! How nice to know there are others out there! My Son has cut me off, says he's happier without me, as well as other very cruel and hurtful things. It's his birthday in a few days time and we have always spent the day together. I feel like I should send a card but my husband (not his father) doesn't think he deserves one. He's right, but as hurt and angry with him as I am, I don't think I could ignore the day I gave birth to him, even though he'll probably throw a card in the bin. ?

Missiseff....why do you imply that you were a failure as a mother.? There are no rules and regulations. We parented our children the way we knew best. I have had a lot of hurtful things thrown at me, but I go back for more, for the sake of the grkids.
You should send him a card for his bday with a nice verse, nothing to gooey. Give him something to think about. All the best

Good news Dolcelatte ?

Morning ladies, well we're back home after 3 wonderful weeks with DS in Aus.

The 3 of us felt that we re connected emotionally for the first time in more than 6 years since our estrangement with his younger brother began.

We'd enjoyed our previous trips but this one was so much better. He was relaxed, something he'd not been due to the tensions in his marriage. We'd noticed that he wasn't as demonstrative and loving as he used to be when his now ex wife was around.

It made us realise just how much of an effect your AC's partner can have on your relationship with them. Apparently she'd always been hyper critical of our family and on more than one occasion had told him he was a mummy's boy.

So, although our relationship with our DS continued through out the marriage, her attitude toward our family and me in particular, mirrored the attitude of our ES's wife.

What's wrong with these young women? Why do they resent the very people instrumental in the way the men they presumably love and chose to be with?

We had no idea that this had been going on. She was always fine with us when ever we saw her. It was the same with ES's wife. There were a few indicators toward the end but they were just the tip of an enormous bitter, angry and twisted ice berg. Of course this can also be the case with a D's partner as you can attest too Yogagirl.

All types of discrimination are to a greater or lesser degree due to the inability to accept 'other' or 'difference'; to view these things as wrong.

It seems that our loving and demonstrative relationships with one another (Mr. S. and I), and with our boys was regarded by both of their wives as wrong. Thank God our eldest had the strength of character not to allow his wife's opinion to come between us but who knows what would have happened if they'd had children. Who knows how much pressure may have been applied and if the 'it's them or us' card would have been played.

Clearly her opinion of us and our family was sufficient to make him wary of being himself with us when we were together.

I suppose women like our son's wives should be pitied but the damage they do or attempt to do makes me too angry to feel anything but contempt for their cruelty.

Missiseff send the card. Every year I think not to send to my Son, estranged for 6yrs now, but come the day I send him an e-card, no add for him, so only way, no add or anything else for my ED so can't to her or the GC

Here, here Smileless xxx

Smileless, what awful weather to come back to, eh?
Glad you had a nice time in Australia with your son; some lovely memories made I'm sure.
Welcome back !!

CrazyH, because that's how both my kids have made me feel. I have got a card, without a verse, so will send, thanks

Yogagirl, I feel for you x