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Support for all who are living with estrangement

(1001 Posts)
Smileless2012 Mon 17-Sep-18 18:04:52

Another thread ladies so get posting. A we've had over the years, several contributors living with estrangement as they have chosen this path, I see no reason to change the title of this thread.

I hope you all agree.

Violetfloss Tue 02-Oct-18 14:34:53

The impression I get is there is an Adult who was never close to her mother, for whatever reason, was obviously effected by it as she mentioned it alot, who has felt like an outcast, maybe blamed her mother for that, her mom feels she isnt to blame and has asked her mother to leave her alone, for whatever reason.

Punk doesn't want to fix her relationship with her daughter who she was never close to and cant/won't forgive her.

Maybe the Daughter needed space for her mental health. Maybe she needed time and space to recover, maybe she needed therapy.

Airing things on Facebook isn't the way to go, speaking from experience.
It can also be seen as bullying and police can get involved if names have been mentioned.

Violetfloss Tue 02-Oct-18 14:43:04

How do you know Punk's exclusion is the best thing for her D's family, for her GC?

I don't. But their parents do.

crazyH Tue 02-Oct-18 16:49:50

My 6th grandchild (via my youngest son) arrived on the 28th. I have just cooked a lot of food to take over - should last them a couple of days. We're having a little celebration , just them, her parents and me. While I was cooking my signature dish, I felt sad, because my older son used to love it. I haven't cooked for him for months and months and I doubt I will in the near future. I texted him to say his brother has had a baby boy. He texted back with a token thanks for letting him know, although I'm sure his wife would have already got the news from my ex's wife (they are best friends with a common enemy - me). Anyway must have a quick shower and make my way to son's house. How totally different two brothers can be !! So sad !

Violetfloss Tue 02-Oct-18 16:57:18

Congratulations CrazyH!

Try not to let them dull the day for you. Enjoy newborn baby snuggles grin

Smileless2012 Wed 03-Oct-18 08:49:58

Wonderful news crazysmile.

crazyH Wed 03-Oct-18 09:28:05

Thanks Violetfloss and Smileless xx

Googoogoo1 Wed 03-Oct-18 10:24:49

I understand it depends what side of the fence you stand, how you react to for example Punks situation. Each situation is so different. I don't see how it is best for the estranged AC and GC to not have contact, unless there are obvious safety or cruelty issues. To a grandparent, clearly that's my side of the fence, it's heartbreaking to have what feels like part of you cut away without remorse. Someday that very same action could be inflicted on AC by their own child, then they would truly understand their actions. Yes we have to allow our children to grow, develop and make their own life independently. In fact many of us will have encouraged and supported them to do that. I realise some will think we shouldn't expect anything in return, but woe is me, I do. I expect a glimmer of loyalty, respect and support. Those things came naturally to me with my own and my husbands parents.

Violetfloss Wed 03-Oct-18 12:32:16

I think Grandparents are important, absolutely. I loved mine, especially my paternal side.

Every situation is different just like every person, because I am on the other side of the fence I can see things differently sometimes.
Sometimes, it is ridiculous, there's been a few Grandpranets who aren't allowed to make Gingerbread biscuits with their Grandchild or are only allowed to see them if they are 'The Bank of Mom and Dad'

DH has never have a good relationship with his mum. That didn't start when I came along. Shes lied, threatened, caused stress, did get worse when DD came along. She started an argument with us when I was in labour and months later lied about having Cancer.
She doesn't tell people that part though.

He tried to talk to her but nothing worked, him walking away from her was down to him not being able to handle her anymore. It was the last resort.
He didn't do it to punish her, he did it because he couldn't do it anymore.
He didn't enjoy it. He hates talking about and flat out refuses any kind of olive branch.
His mental health has got better and he's off the anti-depressants.
Of course though, it's all my fault and he's in a controlling marriage...

Emotional abuse is a recognised form of abuse, it doesn't just happen in marriages.

If either of my kids sat down and spoke to me like my DH did with his Mum I'd be beside myself, I'd want to make things right with THEM. I'd cut my right off if they wanted me to.
My Grandchildren would be beautiful bonus, but my relationship with my child would be my priority.

Smileless2012 Wed 03-Oct-18 17:31:44

"I expect a glimmer of loyalty, respect and support" and it's no more than we deserve and certainly what our AC expect to receive from us Googoogool even though some it appears are unable or unwilling to reciprocate.

Punk63 Thu 04-Oct-18 08:35:30

The last time I saw my GC I asked them why they hadn't been to visit. They went home and told her. She then called me and said if I couldn't be adult about the situation then stay away.

Smileless2012 Thu 04-Oct-18 09:11:59

I always think Mr. S. and I are fortunate that we never had the opportunity to get to know our GC Punk. I can only imagine how terrible it is for you and others to no longer be able to see the GC they've got to know and love.

How old are your GC?

Bopeep14 Thu 04-Oct-18 11:26:54

I have just had a birthday, nothing from my son, but was sent flowers from the grandchildren which is something. My granddaughters birthday was a few days before mine, we sent her a gift unsure if she would actually get it, she did we got a thank you card written by DIL for granddaughter she was 2 on her birthday, the upsetting thing was she put miss you on the end, am I wrong to think she was being nasty after all she was the one who started all this and turned my son against his whole family.

Bibbity Thu 04-Oct-18 11:36:07

The last time I saw my GC I asked them why they hadn't been to visit.

How old were the children when you asked this?

crazyH Thu 04-Oct-18 11:54:48

Bopeep, I would consider the flowers and the "miss you " as a positive sign towards reconciliation. You are looking at it negatively.
Be pleased that they remembered you on your birthday.
Belated Birthday wishes flowers

Violetfloss Thu 04-Oct-18 12:03:22

'Am I wrong to think she was being nasty after all she was the one who started all this and turned my son against his whole family.'

If the blame was all on her and she did this all by herself, she wouldn't of wrote the card or put 'miss you' on it.
I bet she ordered the flowers from your Grandchildren too.

Don't look at the act negatively as she did this for you, for your birthday as a nice thing, your son didn't bother.

Googoogoo1 Thu 04-Oct-18 17:59:33

Bopeep14 I see that as very positive. Clearly your dil wrote those things on behalf of your GC. She wouldn't have bothered if she didn't care.

Punk63 Fri 05-Oct-18 10:26:34

My GC are 9 and 7.

Bibbity Fri 05-Oct-18 11:28:56

You shouldn’t have put them in that position. At that age they have absolutely no control over their comings or goings. They can’t tell you why they visited. You put them in an awkward position which could’ve caused them to become upset especially when the relationship between you and your daughter was already so strained.
That was a question that should’ve only been directed at you’re daughter out of ear shot of the children

Whenever someone tries to ask my children questions like that I do tell them that that’s inappropriate and I will speak to them later.

Bopeep14 Sun 07-Oct-18 11:20:32

Maybe i shouldnt look at it as being nasty, but i do, i am sure she just wanted to upset me. If it was a positive step why have they still not answered any of my communications asking to talk and try and sort all this out.The card on the flowers was actually written by my son, so she probably doesnt even know he sent them.

Smileless2012 Sun 07-Oct-18 12:12:59

If the flowers were sent by your son then that's a positive isn't it Bopeep? More so IMO than if your d.i.l. had sent them.

I understand your being a bit cynical especially if they're not responding to your attempts to talk and sort things out. Maybe she doesn't know he sent them and he's not responding o she wont find out. If that's the case why on earth wont these men stand up to their wives.

Luckylegs9 Sun 07-Oct-18 12:29:31

Bopeep, what are you waiting for? A two year old didn't write the card and buy a stamps and send it. Please pick up the phone and say thank you, it meant a lot and can you all just start again as you miss them all. The longer it goes on the worse it will be and then there's no going back.

Violetfloss Sun 07-Oct-18 14:18:03

Sorry I think I read that wrong, the card was a thank you card for your present that you sent to your Granddaugher for her birthday that your DIL wrote?
And the birthday flowers was from your Grandchildren and the card was written by your son?

It all seems very nice and civil to me, could you ring up and say thank you for the flowers and card? And go from there?

I don't know the back story here but it all seems positive.
The actions of both your Son and DIL doesn't seem like they want you out of their life.

crazyH Sun 07-Oct-18 15:15:01

Exactly.....why won't these men stand up to their wives ?

Bopeep14 Sun 07-Oct-18 21:28:00

At the time I did think it was a positive step, I was so happy, but I have tried all forms of communication I can to get in touch with both of them all are going unanswered, other than going to there Home and risking having the door slammed in my face( which I am not going too) I can’t think of anything else to do.

Smileless2012 Mon 08-Oct-18 09:26:53

Send a little 'thank you' card for the flowers in the post Bopeep, that's all you can do. The silence is deafening isn't itsad.

I don't understand why your son would send you flowers and then refuse to respond to your attempts to communicate. These games they play are very cruel.

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