Support for all who are living with estrangement

Pleased for your planned lunches, Pythag .....passive aggressive has worked.
But so sorry about your friend. This is an example of 'life is so short'. But I'm really shocked that she does not want her children to know. I know what I would do. I would inform her children and then it's up to them. I bet your friend will eventually be glad to see her children.....you say she is 'unforgiving', but my goodness, isn't it time she forgave her children (although I don't know what they have done ). I really don't understand the human psyche.

AC said I'm allowed to see GC. I'll see how it goes, I thought I'd made my decision to go no contact , as AC had told me , and as I'd thought best after nearly 4 years of T&C, their rules and utter distain/wickedness, cruelty etc... I'm weak, that's what I know. A victim but it's easy to think and say but doing and keeping to it , no contact, is some under terms better than none ???

We are all weak when it comes to our children and grandchildren.
It's entirely up to you Aqua , but in my opinion contact with T&C is better than no contact at all. What are the T&C? You don't have to tell us if you don't want to. Take care ,

Go for it, Aquamarine. You know what feels right for you. I don't think it's being weak complying to their t/c's, it's making the best of a difficult situation. I hope it goes well for you.

Aquamarine...take what’s offered and try to enjoy your time with gd. Not weak at all. We all prevaricate, how else can we get through?? Good luck

I'd go for contact if it was offered. Hope it goes well Aquamarine. x

It's sometimes difficult to comply with the terms, but if it's that or no contact I'd go for contact. If at any point you become really uncomfortable with their attitude you can always change your mind. Keep focused on what's best for your little GD and cope for her sake. I find it hard to remember all the rules.

Is it possible to bite your tongue and swallow your pride at the same time? You get my drift.
Hope it went well.

First of all lovely people, thank you for your continued support....
Well ladies, I survived the afternoon. My AC never left my side... I was so anxious beforehand as sometimes my AC can get very angry.... When he text to say I couldn't see GC any more, he said I was emotionally abusive ! Now having worked in education for many years, that's a safeguarding issue. I was incensed and hurt when he said this.... All because GC had said I wasn't family, (brainwashing) I told GC that I was a mummy (AC) that I had a mum (GC great granny ) anyhow it came about that I said I had a sister too. It's this statement that triggered no contact. My AC doesn't want GC to know that who has been renamed Grandma is infact my sister , AC aunt, GC great aunt.... Complicated, but true. It's like a secret , in my family no one talks about it, it's always been accepted.
So ladies yesterday...
AC never left my side, supervised visitation, GC said they'd really missed me, it was nice to spend time together. I sent a card in week, no sign of it, put in bin. No evidence of me in house. I never spoke to AC as to why he'd allowed a visit, I actually think that it was cruel in a way... Build my hopes up and then take away again.... I do know GC thinks I'm busy, that's what she said, that's what they'd told her. Children are resilient, and she'll be influenced by her parents.
As for T&C's, no contact unless told by parents, no phone calls, no photos, no association with DIL parents, no personal gifts, given instructions for birthday/Christmas gifts, no correction of rudeness, meanness, peculiar ways, no value of parenting / professional experience, no making up of stories, no singing, no make-believe , dreams... I could go on.
GC of course will get used to this , incredibly sad and hurtful but realistically, this it what will happen.
I'm weak to keep going through this, I have a choice , but ladies being strong is so hard when you've done it for sooo long, and part of still thinks I'm her granny.... EXHAUSTED.

Oh dear ....
BUT, you got to see your GC....that's the main thing. Have a nice weekend Aqua and all you lovely Grans out there !!

Gracious no wonder you're exhausted.
I felt and still feel we were bullied when trying to see gc. Following nc we were manipulated financially thinking that would help situation.
Seems to me like you are being bullied too. You have been so badly treated by your family, it beggars belief.
I wish you strength to find a way that gives you some peace.

Aquamarine ...... I know the consensus is to take what crumbs are offered ...... keep the contact ...... however rigid the T and Cs.

But I can’t help thinking, why would you let someone treat you like that? Would you let a friend do it to you?

I told my son I would be pulling back and if he wanted me he knew where I was. I had had enough. Silence at first but now he is coming forward ...... and I shall be careful not to put my foot in it!

It’s tricky isnt it. Each of us must do what we feel is right for us. X

Wow Aqua, what an astonishing lot of rules. I'm still desperate for any contact but now I'm scared what that might be if I ever got it.

I really don't understand the world any more...

I’m with you Pythagorus will not be treated with contempt.

Oh dear Aqua what an ordeal. Your DGD thinks that you are not family, but that your sister is? I had to read that several times, but now it's clear why he never left your side, he didn't want you to expose the truth again.

So it's all about concealing that her new 'grandmother' is in fact your sister? Secrets like that get out. In fact if it wasn't so hurtful to you and damaging to your relationship with your DGD, it would be laughable that adults are behaving this way.

It's all a wicked smoke screen until when? When she's older and knows and understands? Do they really think the lie is never going to be exposed? Elephants in room spring to mind.

I've lied to my DGS too in a far lesser way and it makes me feel dreadful. I've said I can't go/stay as I have to work. I only work short contracts now and can choose when to work, but it's covering up in the least hurtful way.

Take some time now to breathe and take stock. Pythagorus makes a good point about bottom lines. My situation is different as my DD wants me to be part of their lives, it's my SIL who has a problem with me. It must be hard to be treated so badly by your son. He is prepared to protect your sister by hurting you, as though what's clearly happened that your former H is married to your sister wasn't hurtful enough.

Anyway, they cannot take away the fact that you are her GM. The T&C are so gross I could weep for you. So cruel, so thoroughly soul destroying. Do not let them persuade you that this is about you. It's about them and their wicked connivance to let a little girl believe that her grandmother is not related is beneath contempt.

How DARE they? You are so much better than this you know. Hold your head up. Think of us behind you willing you through this. Keep a little pebble in your pocket and when you're feeling lonely for her, just feel that it's still there and that's where your love will be - always there. Not my idea but my counsellors and it's a nice idea.

I don't think you could do this as your DGD is so young, but I told my DGS that although I live far away if he just looks at the moon he will know that I'm seeing the same moon.

Hugs to you and to all who are hurting. xx

Before we got cut off/out I would have said "no way" to rules and regulations in no uncertain terms. Now I'd do absolutely anything, and I mean anything, to see our GC, even be treated with contempt if that's what it took. Its been nearly a year and a half with no contact whatsoever.

We don't know how they are, what they're doing, even what they look like as they were so young the last time we saw them and they change so quickly.

Most of the T&C's are actually pretty reasonable (minus the no singing or made up stories).

As a GP, you are extended family. DGD doesn't need to know that other Granny is actually her great-aunt. That's not your business to explain to her. If you mentioned that I am not surprised that your AC doesn't allow alone time. That sort of family drama is something that a young child doesn't need to know.

Is the view good up there Agnurse?
Aqua, what a very difficult position you are in, I cannot judge why you reacted as you did, I haven't been in that position. I do know how much it must hurts you though, as I said in a previous post yo you, there is nothing you can do. Enjoy those that are there for you.

Only those that have been or still are there, understand your situation Aquamarine. Even then each situation is different, but with that, yours is particularly hurtful.
Take some comfort from those that understand and want to help in some small way.
Please ignore any comments that are negative and frankly seem aimed to increase pain.
You can see by the posts on here those that truly understand your deep, deep pain. We are here to "support for all who are living with estrangement".

Dontaskme-I am so sorry for the hurt you continue to feel. It is a situation we never imagined could happen. I do like to think if our AC understood the deep pain, they would make some effort to ease it. I fear though that is just wishful thinking.

Most of the T&C's are actually pretty reasonable (minus the no singing or made up stories)

As a GP, you are extended family. DGD doesn't need to know that other Granny is actually her great-aunt. That's not your business to explain to her. If you mentioned that I am not surprised that your AC doesn't allow alone time. That sort of family drama is something that a young child doesn't need to know

Utterly unhelpful, unsupportive comments like this, from someone with no experience or knowledge of, or empathy for, those suffering the devastation and pain of estrangement, is why I and others have chosen to forego the support of this thread.

Irishrose...please join me and others here who only have your best interests at heart, and post again. What you have to say is a huge help, as the more people support the more people who don’t understand get an insight.

Of course you are right to feel nervous at exposing your vulnerability, (the same here), but how else can we protect others worse off than ourselves than by Banding together against bullies??
Thank you for posting a very positive post...at the very least it bucked me up❤️?

What Namsnanny said. Don't be pushed away Irishrose.

One day this might happen to you agnurse. No one can be sure it won’t.

It isn't the first time that agnurse has popped her head around the door of this thread to drop an unhelpful, unsupportive and unkind post in our laps. And I'm afraid it won't be the last. Like others, it's because of posters like that, that I don't open up on here. I couldn't bear to have someone, who clearly has little or no compassion or sense of empathy, grinding my face into an already painful situation.

As for T&C's, no contact unless told by parents - reasonable, contact is up to the parents.

no phone calls - a little odd, but again, up to the parents

No photos - did you ever post photos online without the parents' permission?

no association with DIL parents - build your own relationships

no personal gifts, given instructions for birthday/Christmas gifts - what had you bought? Some parents don't want certain types of gifts.

no correction of rudeness, meanness - not your job to discipline someone else's child

peculiar ways, no value of parenting / professional experience - they don't need to value your experience. This is THEIR child. THEY are the experts in their own child. I'm a nurse with a master's degree. Doesn't mean I have the right to tell my siblings how to raise their children.

no making up of stories, no singing, no make-believe - this is a little weird.

I have a feeling there is far more to this story that we are not hearing.

Aqua has admitted to telling her DGD something that wasn't her place to tell her. If the parents are concerned about what Aqua is saying it stands to reason they do not want her to have alone time.

By saying that your children don't value your opinions, I get the impression that you feel they need to do so. I'm not saying that's what you feel. I'm saying that's how it comes across. Unsolicited advice is generally not welcome.

My feeling, unpopular as it may be, is that there is a possibility Aqua may have done some things that frankly overstepped the boundaries. She has not lost contact with her GC. She's being given an opportunity to see her. It's just not on Aqua's terms.

Agnurse For heavens sake, why do you pontificate about something you obviously know nothing about. Your opinions are not helpful at all.