Support for all who are living with estrangement

It's very, very early days Aquamarine and everything you're experiencing is everything those of us here, who are estranged, have experienced too.

It's a long and difficult road that you've been forced onto and it's the same road that we've all found ourselves on. Some have been on this road longer than others, some have traveled further and have found peace in their lives that seemed an impossibility.

Mr. S. and I are fortunate that we never established a relationship with our only GC. We never saw much of the eldest, and never saw him again from 8 months; we've seen the youngest.

I can't begin to imagine the pain that you and so many others must go through, losing a GC that you've known and established a relationship with.

Be kind to yourself, cry when you need too, scream and shout when you need too and take each day as it comes. Time doesn't heal the wounds that have been inflicted on us but it does reduce the intensity of the pain.

I don't have any special knowledge Aqua, I've just had my heart broken more than once.

Try to redirect some of the love you have for your granddaughter back to yourself because right now you need it. You're in this for the long term and you will not give up. You are in an emotional 'lock down' for now, and that is how you will survive it.

Sit down and list the things you have to be grateful for. I hope you and your husband are well. Make that top of the list. You have your health. You have each other. Can you afford a holiday or weekend break? Plan it. Go and open that bank account as Cosmos suggested. Start a scrap book of places you've visited with your granddaughter - download photos. Print any on your phone etc. Yes you will cry, but it's endorsing that those times really happened and believe that one day you're going to show her.

The firsts of everything are difficult, first birthday, Easter etc. It doesn't get easier to bear, it's just becomes easier to blink away the tears.

Don't allow this to change you and make you bitter. You are still the same loving gran inside. xx

Very good and positive advice here Aqua. We anticipated the difficult times of the year and planned ahead in order to lessen the pain. For Christmas we booked a lovely hotel in the sun and was surprised that the majority were couples and nice single women in our age group were there. It made me realise that the younger generation just don’t want to be bothered with us. We must protect our physical and mental health, remind ourselves of the good things in our lives and not torture ourselves with what might have been.
My best wishes to you all.

Cosmos, thank you , your words do make sense.... How painful for you too.
I believe even a simple card would go in the bin. Some weeks i did just send GD a card or little treat, if I'd been out and about. I call her my little miss sunshine ?, so the other week i saw a coaster with a beautiful sun on, so I sent with a little card, when I asked GD if she's had it she didn't know anything about it, nor could I see it in the house.... So I do know things go straight in the bin. This is the AC and DIL who put any reminder of me in loft in a memory box.......
I woke up crying, guess reality hits, I feel like going away, so may do. I can't find peace , my head filled with thoughts , pictures, memories .....
How on earth people survive this is beyond me ....

Smileless2012...
Thank you you too... Glad I can chat to people who have gone through this cruel situation

Aqua, So you do see your little GD ? Or do you just phone her? I don't understand...perhaps the wine has gone to my head ?

Crazyh...
No my contact was brutally stopped 2 weeks ago. I physically saw her about 3 weeks ago. I used to care for her every week. I've never been allowed to telephone let alone have their landline number..
There's definitely no contact i have been told loud and clear....
The week before my AC cruelly informed me of his decision (originally by text) I was upset and hurt as they had removed all things I had made or given GC into memory box and put in loft....
There's no going back, we've had T&C no end over nearly 4 years, they've told me before they're jealous of my relationship with GC, it doestnt matter what you say, they're unreasonable, and mean, and with poison around them I've always been on an upward struggle....

Oh my gosh Aqua...just scrolled back and read your earlier posts. This is a recent thing, it's so raw for you. How are you coping? Your evil sister..........
I hope you managed to get some sleep last night. As you can see by the time, I don't sleep very well...I have used sleeping tablets ever since my husband left me for someone else.
Yes, perhaps you should take a little holiday to take your mind off things.
It's early days Aqua and perhaps they will realise the cruelty of their actions. People like Smileless will give you strength, because they have gone through similar and come out the other side. There are very sweet caring here, who despite their own heartache offer comfort and solace. Try to get some sleep

Crazyh..
Yes recent, but i knew my time wouldn't be forever, my sister had taken everything I've loved, previously i wouldn't let her win(?)but I've suffered so much over the last 4 years, always treading on egg shells with AS and DIL, being bullied, weak, I think my AC has displaced anger, but there's no reasoning, I was bullied in family counselling, (bad counsellor?) So I've tried so hard over GC's life but it's gradually got worse, I saw signs, and brain washing of GC began last year... I love her to bits, what must she think, my heart literally aches. I've not been to work, I just cry....
Everywhere around reminders.... I'm so sad , bearift....

Aquamarine....I'm sorry that counselling wasn't any help. I had a similar experience too.
What isn't understood very much is that the success of counselling is hinged very much on how the therapist creates trust and safety for the patient. If that is weak or not present the results will not be very helpful.

It must have been a crushing experience watching and waiting for the eventual break from your little g daughter.

For what its worth, I think you are spot on about the pre planning to accustom the little girl for a time when you wouldn't be around :-(

You mentioned your (2nd?) husband is just as hurt by this behaviour. Does that mean he has witnessed some of the parents behaviour as well?
If so take heart that you can assure yourself of your sanity....and hang on to it like grim death!
Some people may try to destabilise you by 'suggesting' that you are some how to blame (victimising the victim) but that is unhelpful now as you need your strength to get you through.

I've had a similar experience myself, of walking on eggshell for the last 8ys or so.
like everyone else here have done all that has been asked of me. Not always with good grace, but with as much patience as I can muster.
Only to realise this is a game. A game where they play by different rules and hold all the cards.
There is no compromising. No successful outcome.
It feels so visceral. Like an open wound.

Honestly, I've lost so much confidence trying to hold things together under the pressure.
The whys and wherefores. The waking in the night realising my own kith and kin neither want love or even like me.

As some others have said I too didn't expect to fall in love with my gchildren so strongly, and miss them so much.

Like you some people have suggested jealousy and control are at the root of all this, as I/we had a lovely relaxed relationship with gchildren.

Funnily enough I was never jealous of others enjoying spending time with my children, I took it as a form of praise.
All the little compliments that people gave us down the years about our kids, how kind they were, how independent, how much fun they were. I took it all with a sigh of relief that things must be going well.

And my children had the rewarding experience of a relationship with their Gran and Gd. My lovely MIL enjoyed them and they her.
I'm so glad they did.

Its late and I hope your are sleeping.
Wishing you a calmer day. Be kind to yourself.

Aquamarine, Crazyh, Namsnanny, and all suffering from alienation, hope you're sleeping. Take comfort from one another and know that we're not bad people. Circumstances have thrown us into this situation. Wishing you all a better day.

Nansnanny
Yes my 2 husband has witnessed it all but we decided 3 years ago to play the game so we could see GC, they've never encouraged GC to talk about us , our names aren't mentioned in their house, nor photos allowed, so I realise I wasn't paranoid when I told dear friends it was coming.... I always thought they'd do best for their daughter but realise to spite us they won't.... It's cruel and despicable. We've had T&C since she was born, since last year she wasn't allowed to sleep over. The getting ready began then, of course I put it to the back of my mind , but I know it's always been there. My AC had a fabulous relationship with his GP's he was incredibly close to his GD , they saw him 3/4 times a week, we lived close by. I was never jealous, just loved it that he had a loving relationship with them, everyone saw it. So I don't understand the unfairness of it all....
But know DIL parents are close by so GC will have them, again I know from past they won't mention us.....
A deliberate exclusion and assassination, I just see her face, but know she'll soon forget us.....

Thank you so much Ginny42.
Sometimes I feel so overwhelmed I cant find the words to write here or anywhere. Its especially hard when we all know our critics will pick apart anything we say when we are vulnerable :-(.
Even people getting so worked up about spelling and missing apostrophes knocks the wind out of my sails!!!
I read a lot at those times, so reading your supportive messages of good will is so helpful.

Aquamarine...I would have thought if an AC had a good relationship with their GP's, they would understand that their children would like that too!
So what has happened I wonder, to create this lopsided view of child rearing?

Hi fellow grandmothers

What a helpful forum this is, providing possible insights and advice along with a place to give and receive emotional support and comfort. The sense of solidarity is also a blessing. Until I came across this resource, for example, I had no idea that "going no contact" or maintaining the "silent treatment" is a popular and much-encouraged tactic among the self-entitled younger generation to control, humiliate and punish GPs following perceived hurts, disappointments or offences.

I think that my husband and I are dealing with a form of estrangement because one of our daughters-in-law suddenly stopped all forms of communication with us several months ago, without giving any prior warning or explanation at the time or since - as often seems to be the case. Like others posting here, I feel mystified, alienated and rather heartbroken as I had thought that our relationship was reasonably good on the whole before this happened. She and our son plus our adored infant GC live abroad and we are visiting them there later this year with mixed feelings, sadly, because of the awkward situation. We are allowed to see our GC with our son quite regularly through Face Time and WhatsApp and these are lovely sessions - for which we feel grateful - but the question in my mind, inevitably, is for how long will this last? What if the sessions happen much less frequently or stop altogether?

If only she would make a little effort to join me in trying to reconnect and talk things over. You will not be surprised to learn that there have been no responses to my careful enquiries, asking if I or we have unwittingly caused offence.

We will continue to make the most of whatever precious contact we can have but I am also trying to prepare myself for the possibility of further pain of a more devastating sort.

Cherries I sympathise so much with your "walking on eggshells" horrible situation. How stressful to face this visit with that situation! Try to focus on your son and GC to build that relationship. But it must be so hard for you

Hi all, it's about 3 months since I last looked in, between being ill, busy, or just too emotional to come on this thread. Sorry there's too much for me to catch up on all at once but I have been reading and am sending my loving support to you all. x
Our DD (not estranged) got her own disabled flat after trying for 3 years so that has kept us busy. Still not quite finished helping her set up. That has done my heart good.
Our DS (estranged) finally contacted my DH (he won't talk to me, still won't say why, and very seldom will answer DH's messages) just before Christmas to invite him (just him) to visit him in his new home. Sadly, my DH's sister and our DD's bf's mum both died, unexpectedly, of strokes, within a couple of days of each other. So DH had to take DD 200 miles for a funeral, then get back for us to go to another funeral, work for DH is crazy busy just before Christmas and DD needed moving into flat. So DH wrote back, saying this, and explaining it would be hard to get down right away but if DS could tell him about driving route and parking and stuff he would try and see if he could after funeral.
DS didn't reply and did not give us his address. So DH can't just go, we don't know where he lives now.
It seems because DH couldn't jump to his tune immedietly it is all off again. And not a word of sympathy about DH losing his sister. I was really hopeful once DH had seen him it might be a step in the right direction for us all.
Anyway, thanks for being here, and to you all

Thank you Madgran77. I appreciate your wise, kind and swift response.

Hdh74...
Just to say hang in there, who knows what will happen, but do trust instinct, normally right..
Just play game, be smiley and talk about weather, my tips, because if you say anything not on agenda consequences.... I should know.
Just hang on in there...
Mixed feelings today, highs and lows.
Been signed off work, should I of kept busy, not at moment, too tearful.
My AC said I could have visitation Friday , he will be there he says, says it all,.. visitation and company, never been called visitation before, and normally he's at work. So people shall I go to say my goodbye, comply and be weak, or is it more cruel to GC.... ??? I can't cope with turmoil, backtracking, no doubt he thought I wouldn't say goodbye to GC, I hadn't because didn't know all of this was to come.... Confused, weak, exhausted..

Thanks Aquamarine - trying to hang in there best I can.
Wish I could play the game, but my DS has had literally zero contact with me for 2 and a half years now, and still hasn't said why. I'm sure we could work it out but I don't even know where he lives now. I email him from time to time, just saying, hope you are well, sending love, but I have no idea if he ever reads them as no replies come back.
It's up to you how you deal with it, sorry I can't advice as it's so different to your situation for me, but I would give anything for some contact, even angry hostile contact would be better than total nothing. Hope you can work out what to do that's right for you.
Stay strong. x

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Well fellow posters, Good news today! My son moved in with new lady ..... it seemed I was surplus to requirements. I was hurt and eventually put my hand up and said what about me? I didn’t cut myself off but pulled back big time. Especially with giving expensive gifts! It seems to have worked ......... They have asked out for lunch on my birthday ..... and invited me round for lunch on mother’s day for lunch with her mum too! I will be on my best behaviour ..... listen a lot and say little except to praise!

On a very sad note ...... a friend’s cancer has come back and she has been told that’s it - palliative care. Going down rapidly at home. Recent fall outs with son and daughter ..... she has told them not to come and see her over fairly small things. They are unaware cancer is back . My friend is black and white and unforgiving ...... She has forbidden her friends to tell her children of her new situation. I am struggling with it. What would you do?

Just hang in there all you dear GNs ......I was in a very, very bad place last August. My older son said the nastiest, cruellest things to me, when we met for a family lunch, for my birthday. It was so cruel, that my mind could not process it and I blocked it. His wife was also mean to me over the years, but they never stopped me from visiting the grandchildren.
Things are much better now only because I chose to ignore it and continued to visit the grandkids (by appointment). It used o be awkward. My son still acts strange.....he has always been a loner and a pouter. Perhaps some inner resentment, I don't know.
You must continue to see the grandkids (if you are allowed)..... you must never give AC a chance to accuse you of not caring. I remember my d.i.l. accused me of not caring because I did not ask how my granddaughter's first day of nursery went. Yes I didn't, because they told me they wanted nothing more to do with me. Being passive will be mistaken for not caring. See how things can be twisted?
Hope it all works out for all

I am so glad about the lunches for you pythag - it may not be perfect but I'd give so much for that - enjoy the best you can.
I'm sorry about your friend, I would so want to tell them, but I really don't know what's wisest.
I'm glad things are picking up for you crazyH.
I just keep hoping for some contact, any contact, just a place to start from.
to you all