Support for all who are living with estrangement

Thanks Joyfulnanna. I imagine that quite a few gc undergo a bereavement process themselves, triggered by the absence of gps in their lives and uncertainties that may go hand in hand with this loss. Having no say in the matter and not understanding why they no longer see their gps, because they are very young, some gc may even blame themselves for the split and feel ashamed of themselves unnecessarily. It may be very difficult or impossible for these little ones to criticise or protest in front of their parent(s) because they depend so much on their parent(s) to look after them.

I've been thinking a bit recently about generous-minded tolerance for family members' shortcomings, recognising that it is true that no-one is perfect, not even oneself, using humour sometimes as a way of coping with challenging aspects of family life and togetherness and trying to look for then keep in mind the positive aspects of - say - maintaining a relationship with an often deeply annoying m-i-l who seems to lack awareness of how she is being irritating. What positive aspects might these be? Well, for example, keeping the connection alive in this case could be seen as an unselfish way of pleasing/loving your partner and of course as a way of allowing your young child or children to develop and enjoy their own attachment bonds separately from your own. I remember trying to practise what I preach here and understanding that my late m-i-l, of a different generation, meant well. My kids enjoyed being with her and she enjoyed being with them and all that mattered more to me than my feelings towards her even though my relationship with her could be very trying at times.

One biggie is to explain that Estrangement causes separation anxiety and there are real symptoms that the child will show through the distress of nc. The confusion could cause behaviours such as bed wetting, poor sleep, losing weight, anxiety where there was previously none. Who is there for the child? People go on about safeguarding but agencies don't investigate unless you give them hard evidence.. You're made to feel a harassing gp when you raise concerns.. Rock and hard Place come to mind because all you want is for someone to check and come back to you to say the child is OK..the system seems to protect the person with Parental Responsibility rather than the child..
Baby P was a case in point.

Lovely ladies, taking a step back for a little while to make this less personal, what traditional attitudes towards trying to maintain good relationships with senior members of the family and extended family and towards the importance of family bonds generally may have been weakening in the course of a generation? There are earlier posts here which touch on this topic and it may be helpful to return to it to share some more thoughts. If and when the younger people who are taking the drastic step of estranging us are more open to listening to our messages, what would we hope that they would better understand, accept and value? Why ARE ties with
non-abusive grandparents good for grandchildren and vice versa? How could increased tolerance of imperfect but good enough relationships with grandparents help parents?

wonderful ladies sorry

I think you're right Cosmos and Ginny, it's time I did allow myself to feel angry. Hubby has said he will get together with just DS and DD if DD can arrange it but will have a seperate get together with me and family and friends. Seems like a good compromise if DD can get DS to agree, and he can see how the land lies with DS that way without rolling over. Sorry to hear you're also dealing with such nonsense Ginny.

I'm so sorry you've been put in that position Yogagirl. It makes me wonder what they think when they take things to that level.

Strength and hugs to you Aqua. x

I can see how frustrating and worrying that must be Bopeep - hope you can find a way to actually contact DS.

Wishing all you wonderful a day with more smiles than tears.

Yes ungranned, we are all living through this, we need each others support when we're feeling down with no where to turn. Each day that goes by, I think of our loss and it burns deep in my heart. So many of us are suffering in our daily lives. We mustnt forget those who live with us and have stuck by us. We feel the stigma of family Estrangement and its hard to grasp that it's really happened to us.

Sorry to hear of your pain and anguish Aquamarine.. You are in my thoughts. You are right about the feeling of bereavement with no closure. Its agony for me too. When I think of my gs feelings of separation from me it makes me so very sad that he is having to live through it too. Please do something nice for yourself, reflexology or back massage or pedicure to help you float away,if only in your mind. We need to keep our sanity and keep the faith that things won't stay the same for too much longer. X

Employers can't stop emails to workplaces. If you get one you're not exactly going to shout about it. But letters may be opened by admin teams so I wouldnt advise that.

Sometimes employers have policies that employees aren't allowed to receive personal mail at work.

I'm in my 50th year of working and have yet to have any employer object to me, or any of my colleagues, having personal mail or parcels delivered to our place of work, in fact, it's a very common occurrence. As most of the employed population are out at work for approximately 10 hours a day, many of us aren't at home when important mail or parcels are delivered. Can't see any employer raising any objections whatsoever.

Bopeep if you do decide to send a letter to your DS at his place of work, don't worry that he will "get in trouble with his employer". I'm 99.99% sure he won't.

Bopeep

Sometimes employers have policies that employees aren't allowed to receive personal mail at work.

Aquamarine, I really feel your pain. There seems to be a couple of days when I can get by without dwelling on it too much but then it just swoops down, that awful feeling of grief and that's when the temptations start, to write yet again and plead for an end to it all. And it's hard to resist even though it wouldn't get any response. So, what to do? I try to keep busy but as soon as I stop there it is again, like a huge wave waiting to rush at me. I agree with you, it is worse than a bereavement because there is no closure. We can only gain strength and get some release by coming on here and at least have the comfort of all these other lovely people on here

Well said Dolcelatte.

Would say take it slowly, gently, be dignified, do not chase or apply pressure - easy to say and very hard to do, but it seems to be working for us. And don't give up hope.

So sorry for your pain Aquamarine. The bond between a gp and gc is just so natural and filled with love.
It felt to me like my own child had been ripped away. Combined with the fact that your own child could be so cruel.
Bopeep it is so difficult knowing what to do. I think you are right, we really don't know what is coming from the AC and the sil/dil. In my situation I am sure some of the unkind messages have came from partner using AC's phone. The language used was not terminology he would use. Ultimately though our AC is just that, an adult. Surely if they really wanted to, they would stand up for us and make some kind of effort!
Doesn't help you just now, but to all going through this I am finding it less painful. Hopefully one way or another there is light at the end of the tunnel for us.

Really get him into trouble ridiculous statement.

I wouldn't suggest writing his work as that may get him into trouble. If he's not answering you may just have to wait and see.

That’s just it agnurse my son hasn’t asked for non contact it’s his wife that’s been doing all the texts and letters. In my last text to my son a month ago I asked him to either write to me or leave a message on my answer machine to prove he is 100% in agreement with all that is happening and I have had neither. If he was to tell me himself I would respect his wishes and leave him alone after all what’s the point of trying to make a relationship when it’s all one sided. That is what’s worrying me he thinks I have gone non contact with him. At least if I write to him at work I know his wife can’t intercept it and bin it. The more worrying thing is he is an emergency contact for his elderly grandmother and a neighbour tried to ring a week or so ago but he didn’t even answer that. I just have a feeling something is not quite right with all this.

Struggle today..
Extremely tearful, I might as GC sooo much, really, I miss cuddling her, her smiles, laughter...
With my AC and DIL must be miserable, no fun or laughter, no playing or cuddles.
Ladies , how on earth to cope, I'm bearift, distraught, I can't stop crying. Reality is rubbish, selfishness isn't the word, like a bereavement but more cruel because bmy AC planned and carried this out !
Strength to you all ?♥️?

If your AC have asked for no contact, the best thing to do is to honour that. If you try to contact them the likely result is that they'll perceive this as disrespect for their boundaries and it will only deepen the estrangement.

By giving them time, you allow them to decide if and when they're ready to resume the relationship.

www.bbc.com/future/story/20190328-family-estrangement-causes

Estrangement is more common thank you would think.

Let him alone. He'll always be your son but it is too soon to write to him direct, because of his recent actions. Hence why I suggested writing to you dil. I hope with time this is less raw than now x

I am trying very hard to deal with this non contact with my son, but i am finding it very difficult to let it go, mainly because he said he would get in contact with me when he came back off his holidays a month after all this started he never did and he has not answered any texts or phone calls since. I just what him to tell me to sod off himself not letters from his wife telling me, am i being stupid. Should i have one last ditch attempt and write to him at work or should i just leave well alone?

Joyfulnanna

I too went to my beloved GD's play school, the day after Mothering Sunday, 4mnths into the estrangement. I went to the park which was adjacent to the school, thinking my D would allow me to just say hello I love you to them all, she turned back into the school without my GC even seeing me. Next day the police were at my house with an harrassment order, saying I was accused of trying to kidnap my GD! I had to sign official papers to say I would never contact my D or GC again

I went to court, makes it a thousand times worse, so I wouldn't recommend it. I went into the fight to see my GC, Smileless stayed quiet, but both, doing the exact opposite to each other, are 6.5yrs down the line, still not seeing our beloveds.

If this had been my GD's dad and not just her mother's husband, i.e. stepdad, he would have been delighted at all the love and devotion she was getting from me and her auntie, but his jealousy meant we had to be got rid of, so his son, my GS that I loved too, would rise to the top of the tree in the family, him being the real son/grandson and my GD then just the stepchild!

Hdh74 all are welcome except you? That sounds like torture for you. What a very strange suggestion putting his father in such a position. Maybe your husband's reaction with make him think again. I would feel very upset and angry in your shoes. I know you say you encourage your OH to keep in touch, but your son doesn't deserve that. That way he can think he's being a good son.

(((Hugs)))

Mind you, my SiL puts similar pressure on my DD by saying I'm her mother and she's entitled to have me there, (they're not in the UK) but he moves out of the home when I go. That makes me sound like an ogre doesn't it? I certainly makes me feel like one.

Hdh74, good for your husband, refusing to celebrate his birthday with his children and friends but without his wife. In your sons eyes that would make him the good guy. further alienating you. He needs to grow up, he is behaving like a spoilt child. If you possibly can leave him to it.

Thank you for your kind words Cosmos - no I wouldn't judge someone else so harshly but still that's how I feel...
So latest - DS had been NC with me for nearly 3 years, had odd very brief contacts with hubby, and has had contact with our DD quite often - but she has to walk on eggshells and not mention me or hubby or she will lose him too.
So latest, DS is going to visit DD near hubby's birthday this month. Suggestion that they go out with friends for hubby's birthday - all welcome except me. I said to DH to go for it, he's had hardly any contact with DS and I want him to have contact even if not me. And I hope if they reconcile then in time DS might at least say why he won't see me or something. DH says no way - why would he celebrate his birthday minus his wife.
I have no say in any of it, so stuck till they decide...