Support for all who are living with estrangement

KANDINSKY

Those were very wise and helpful words of yours!

"It's difficult to know if someone judges you for your AC going non contact, I'm sure some do but TBH that doesn't bother me now. I think we can be pretty sure that our estranging AC believe themselves to be judged, hence the lies they tell in order to try and justify the unjustifiable.

We should all be proud of the job that we did in raising our children. Proud of the sacrifices we made, of the love and support we gave them."

Thank you

youtu.be/jV2dn3zwoYM

I've been watching a few YouTube videos made by and featuring relationship coach Alan Robarge and have been thinking about how some of his messages might apply to me/us.

I like these metaphors of watering and feeding a garden or playing tennis through a back and forth rhythm in relationships. We can probably agree with the importance of paying conscious and focussed attention and on how much it matters to talk well e.g. by being curious, asking questions and taking a real interest, by "engaging with vulnerability" in ourselves and in our AC/children-in-law and by being "emotionally attuned and responsive" to them. We can probably also agree that we can reasonably expect of our AC/children-in-law a similar level of commitment to focus on ongoing "relationship nourishment" and on building and maintaining good feelings when they are with us or in contact with us. They are adults, after all.

This is what "going NC" does, though, doesn't it? It cuts off the possibility of acknowledging together that the garden needs or may need more water and food (or a different sort of food or balance of nutrients) and that it should be cared for by working on it together. It dims or wipes out the vision of a 3-generational garden in bloom. The back-and-forth exchange idea is also cut off. When and how, if ever, will the 2-generation task of gardening or game of tennis resume? Still thinking of tennis, the ball is kept firmly in their court and there often seems to be no explanation or interest in dialogue forthcoming from our AC/children-in-law about what led up to this decision to stop play and to invest so strongly in keeping the ball there in the first place or any sort of feedback about how long this situation will last. Lobbing balls into their court is met with silent and passive resistance.

Kadinsky I couldn't care less what people think tbh, and yes, I'm sure some people think they can judge us but we know the truth. I also know there is lots of gossip and speculation about what has happened, but it doesn't matter.

Please don't feel embarrassed , you have no reason to.

I don't explain to anyone as it's no ones business.

Carolina and Kadinsky it is empowering when you eventually accept that there is nothing you can do to change the situation and take steps to move on with your life.

It's difficult to know if someone judges you for your AC going non contact, I'm sure some do but TBH that doesn't bother me now. I think we can be pretty sure that our estranging AC believe themselves to be judged, hence the lies they tell in order to try and justify the unjustifiable.

We should all be proud of the job that we did in raising our children. Proud of the sacrifices we made, of the love and support we gave them.

We have been denied the futures we thought we were going to have as GP's but we still have a future and that should be embraced and made the most of.

for all of you

Thank you Carolina55 - & yes I agree, there is only so much you can do in situations like this before you have to come to terms with it & just get on with life. And that can empowering ( albeit in a slightly sad way )

I found my friends and family sympathetic and supportive Kandinsky and I didn’t feel the need to share with anyone else ie neighbours or work colleagues. This wasn’t from shame or embarrassment so much as thinking I didn’t want to bore people!

I tended to keep my home life separate from work anyway as I was part time and I quite enjoyed being there, too busy to think about any problems at home. Being pleasant and polite with people probably helped to make me feel happier than I actually was at the time.

When NC happens you can only do so much to put things right - the other party also has to make an effort and that’s the one thing you have no control over. Acknowledging this and getting on with the rest of your life in the meantime can be empowering.

Morning all,
Haven’t RTFT but I’m going through similar with one of my children so finding this thread a great help.
I’d like to ask though, do you find people judge you for being n/c with one of your children? As if you must have done ^something for a child to reject you?
personally, I never mention it to anyone because in all honesty I’m embarrassed. Although reading this thread it’s a lot more common than I thought!

Bopeep how cruel of him to do that on Mother's Day, of all days.

Well said Cosmos x

HDH you are not a worthless mother. In time you will see you did the best you could and you loved him. Would you judge anyone as harshly as you do yourself. ?

I don't use Facebook, because I tried and found it too easy to
keep tabs on what everyone was doing so they could do the same to me. I didn't really share anything, certainly never posted any pictures of friends or family, but others do, they post everything they are doing that day. I can in a way see that adult children would not want their parents to know things they share with friends, that doesn't mean it's a definite snub to the parents they block. Blocking sounds so hurtful I know, but if you were no contact, I can see the logic. That's why I'm not on it. All these things they are doing all the time, so many friends, in my eyes it was better not to know, you're not part of it.
A lot of people just live through their family, but that's not always what the family want and it can result in distancing. I do not underestimate the hurt that comes with estrangement, you are never quite the same again, being rejected by a child, I think one day you can reconnect but it can never be the same, take away the years of anguish, it happened once why not again. I have always felt this lonliness inside since it happened to me and the feeling I wasn't good enough. Eventually you have to just make a different life and let go.

So sorry that happened Bopeep14. I remember when my son deleted me and blocked me facebook, I felt totally bereft. It's not like we ever spoke through it since he went NC but I would visit his page just to see his face. Still makes me teary that there's no way I can even see him from afar. Feeling like a worthless mother - yes I walk this path all the time too.

Hugs to you all. x

I hope no one minds my bad language.. I've just got to say there are alot of evil f*cked up AC out there making our lives a misery. I think we need to get some fire in our bellies and push away the hurt that they're causing. Get angry to survive this torment, it's the only way to hang on to our sanity. They can go their merry ways, I am trying hard not to give a damn. I don't want to be hard hearted but I think I'll go mad if I don't protect myself. Look after no. 1

Joyfulnanna
How awful, Calling the police, and hurtful for you.
It seems so much pain and utter miserableness around, AC mean and cruel, and yes I agree they use GC as pawns, because unless you obey rules, T&C's they will say you can't see GC, they know this, they plan and cackle at their wickedness...
We took our AC away on many holidays, to make memories with GC , I saw my old AC on occasion , how he used to be , not angry,, relaxed, funny, but soon as we were home, back to normal, so hopes dashed again, more disappointment !
I miss GC so much it's like nothing I've experienced, don't know what to do. I'm sending another card this week but guess it will go in bin...
Hugs and thoughts to you all. ?☀️?

Oh.. And you are NOT worthless as a mother..you know that's not true. We blame ourselves unfairly..for others actions..mainly because we don't know how to cope with nc. I've been there.. You are the better person.. Dry your eyes.. Hugs x

Have you tried writing them a letter, say you want to put the past behind, say you miss your son and you would like the chance to just see him. Say you know they have busy lives, lay it on with a trowel. I think you could get through to your dil, woman to woman. She obviously wears the trousers in their relationship. Tell her you never had the chance to know her properly and you would like to. She sounds bitter and twisted but she may come round if you write to her directly. You don't need to say anything about other family members, take baby steps, I think you can do this. You need to try and soothe your heart by reaching out to her. You could send her a huge bunch of flowers..Im hopeful for you.

Bopeep, on Mother's Day of all days it seems particularly cruel. Can you be sure it was him who did it and not his wife? It sounds as though she makes the decisions if he hasn't communicated with you at all since the estrangement began. It sounds odd that he would allow her to manipulate him, but it does happen.

Yes, heartache is like a physical pain isn't it? I hope you find some comfort from your reading but we are here to listen.

The only thing I know about what led to the estrangement is, his wife had an argument with a distant member of the family, still don’t know the full story and he and his wife decided to cut all contact, with our family including his very elderly grandma. I am heartbroken to say the least about this last act of cruelty, I still can’t believe he is doing this until he met his wife he was close to all his family, he used to take his nephews out and play football take them fishing, but all that stopped when he met her. I will never get to know my grandchildren which is sad, but I miss my son so much it physically hurts. A little part of me thinks it’s not him it’s his wife manipulating him, because she has done all the letter writing telling us to stay away and to not send cards gifts etc for the children, he actually hasn’t communicated in anyway with me since all this began, but maybe I am just holding on to something that isn’t there. I have just bought a book to read on coping with estrangement I am hoping it will help, because I need something I feel worthless as a mother right at this moment and can’t stop crying.

I'm so sorry to hear this Boopeep...yes sounds like he wanted to hurt you. What a cruel thing to do. What led to your estrangement? With mine, it happened a few times before, I realised my AC was using cutting off contact with my GC as a weapon. I was walking on eggshells for a long time. It was hard on me. Each time, I did what she wanted to keep the peace and waited until she made contact. The last time I tried to reach out, she called the police.. Its in an earlier thread. I am so scared she'll do that again

My AC certainly thought of me today he deleted me off facebook, we have been NC for 7 months and we have been friends on facebook all this time, he had me limited in what i could see, but he chose today of all days to delete and block me. Twisting the knife a little more. ?

I am guessing our AC did think of us today because they've only got one mother. I hope they felt some guilt because they should. Adverts everywhere, shops displaying cards, flowers and gifts. They must have felt something in their selfish hearts, turning away from the aisles. Hugs and love to all.x

I share your sentiments. This is not an easy road re: your ES. However continue to gain your own strength and do your best each day to achieve something new. After all you too have a life too. With love and hugs?

Wishing you all the best day possible.

Huge hugs all round on this difficult and painful day.

My lovely ladies, hello on mothering Sunday. ? Joyfulnanna, yoga girl, been crying, your stories are mine....
What sadness and pain, but in a just and no envy world , we would be all hugging each other, having fun and making more memories.
I woke up, no visit no phone call, nothing changes, looking at the families in the street seeing their mum's, taking them out...
I feel a real crushing pain in my heart, it's deep and everlasting, a heaviness , it's hard to carry , I'd love to know when it gets easier, for me it's always there.
I sleep with GD's toy rabbit, and ginny42 I have my pebble to feel when I'm lonely , missing her....
I'm out with a friend for a walk and picnic. I'll try to be positive...
Medusa ( my sister, adopted GC granny now ) is with my GC today, found out from AC ages ago, I could of dropped down with hurt when he told me, so the pain and hurt goes on ladies, when you're down it's hard to get up, and when you're constantly crushed it's even harder...