Is it too late for forgiveness

There's a difference between "forgiveness" and "reconciliation".

Forgiveness is something you do for you. It means that you acknowledge the offense and decide to let it go, rather than holding on to your anger about it.

Reconciliation is something for both parties. This would mean that you are continued contact with the ex.

Frankly, if the divorce was very acrimonious and the ex has major issues, reconciliation may not be the best option. A sick mean person is still a mean person. I don't think you're under an obligation to support the ex during her illness.

As far as the daughter, really, she needs to decide whether she's prepared to stand up to her mother. Her relationship with her mum isn't your concern, and her relationship with her father and you isn't her mum's concern. (Now, I'm not saying that you wouldn't be concerned if she has a poor relationship with her mum, rather I'm saying that an adult can't police the relationship that two other adults have with each other.)

For now, I would just suggest leaving well alone.

I think you should treat her kindly.
She is ill, and has been for years; she must have had some very difficult times.

His ex isn’t his responsibility, I don’t see why he has to socialise with her at all, however, I think you should stay out of it and let him decide what to do.

I would support your DH, help him get through his issues, be polite and understanding to his ex, don't get involved further , you have your life and relationship, concentrate on that.

I think Diana54 is right, support your husband through this and then concentrate on your own lives.

I think you should support your husband with what ever he decides, and if he chooses to be in touch wit his ex, follow Diana's advice.

IMO there's a difference between someone behaving unreasonably for their own agenda, and someone who behaves this way due to mental illness.

That said, the pain inflicted on another is just as acute. You've been wonderfully supportive of your DH Tooting and I'm sure whatever he decides to do, the decision will be easier knowing that you are there for him.

Tooting, I'm deeply sorry for the loss of dh's son and all you've been through because of his x. I think it's wonderful the way you have stood by him all this time, and I admire you for it.

I agree that x should be forgiven since much of her behavior may have been affected by her mental illness. However, imo, it isn't your call to make. By all means, be civil and kind to her when you see her. But let dh decide the level of contact he wants with her.

As for his dd and gc, I agree with those who say, dd is an adult and should be able to decide on her own how often she and her kids will see you and dh. If she lets herself be controlled by her mum or if she has come to take mum's side against dh, I'm sorry, but that's her choice. Dh will need to work it out with her, himself, or accept whatever contact he gets. Please, as always, just be there to support him.

It is so sad that even after 30 years, your DH's ex wife is still having such a negative impact on your joint life. Where is her second husband in all this? I think it is also time that your DH's daughter and her children made more of an effort with their Father. The Ex may be mentally ill, she may just wish to be the centre of attention, but by allowing her to ruin the relationship you and your DH have with his DD and GC she is still being a major part of his life and he will never be free of her. It is sad that their son died, but even more sad that his wife used him as a weapon. Mental illness or not, some people are nasty and vindictive.

It's forgiveness all the way for me, but I have come to realise that for some this is very difficult. I would certainly be encouraging DH to forgive his ex-wife though, if I were in your shoes. Good luck with it, whatever you decide, this situation can't have been easy for either of you to deal with over the years.

Contact with a special needs child will often be "inconsistant" because more flexibility is needed. She as the primary carer of a child with special needs will have been the one dealing with the fall out of any upheaval that resulted from contact.

Your post reads as if you expected the kind of smooth running contact routines that work with non special needs children. You cant just move nearer and go "hey! Im here now! Lets disrupt everything again!"

For whatever the reason of the split, she caring alone for most of the time. Of course she had mental health problems, lots of carers develop mental health issues.

Bereavement for a main carer is different from any other kind of loss as its not just about losing a loved one, but your own purpose & daily focus too.

She needs kindness not "forgiveness"

Thanks for your thoughts I will keep them in mind.

It is difficult to convey in a short post the depth of what has happened. By inconsistency I didn't mean not being flexible or accommodating or popping up to announce we are here and disrupting things , rather lack of engagement to discuss the best solution for DH son to maintain contact with his father, with minimum disruption and never knowing where you stood. So an understanding that you thought you had reached which worked well for DH son would be in place for a few years and then invitations for futures visits ignored and a lack of willingness to discuss frustrating. DD and DGD tried hard to mediate but it just so difficult as they were stonewalled. We know now that chronic anxiety was the problem but we didn't know then. We have since learned that DH son enjoyed his visits to us and used to talk about them a lot when he got home. He was always excited and animated when we picked him up and DH and his son fell back into the loving and gentle relationship they had always enjoyed when together. It is such a shame all round but nothing we can do about it now other than show compassion but its hard. Thankfully we never lost touch with DD and are conscious of the difficulties for her - so make no demands and it works well. We have happy memories of the times send together and that is a comfort.

Family life and divorce is so difficult and when I read of Mums preventing father's seeing their children or being difficult about contact, just because they can, I wonder if they really appreciate the long term impact of their actions on themselves and their children. Its so sad.