Retirement panic

Marilii...Excellent advice. I must buy a supply of brown paper bags.

Sometimes listening to your gut feeling is the best way to make a decision, you are already feeling uncomfortable about the situation. I am in a similar position and have decided I am keeping my house and he can keep his. Its great having space and a breather from time to time. Good luck

Yes this is the most panic phase.

Is it just me? I find it very odd that you've been married for twenty years, but have never lived together - only seeing each other at weekends. If you're happy as you are, keep it that way. And you do say that living with him full-time makes you feel depressed. So don't do it!

If he wants to sell his house and buy a boat - great! As long as he lives on it!

This isn't a good relationship. Don't give up your house!

petra
Cats love you enough to bring "presents" home.
Where were you moored?
Mine was just outside London.

Marilii makes good points. Your DH is giving no thought to what you might deserve in the way of 'best', and his plans don't leave you with any way to sort that out for yourself.

If this boat has to be of the "I deserve the best" brigade, then he is not buying a boat for himself to enjoy but for his friends to admire and with which to measure his success. First negative comment will have him looking for a bank loan to buy a "better" boat. When he can't do that, he will be unhappy with whatever boat he has because he still feels he deserves better. All of this is a no-win situation for YOU. There's nothing in his plan that takes your feelings into account. Simply from a banking viewpoint, houses earn equity, boats do not. Your home is a much more valuable asset. He can sell his home and go live on whatever boat he can afford and still visit you like he does right now. When he leaves at the end of the visit, wish him a sunny day on his boat and send him off with a brown paper bag lunch. Put a cookie in it. That's being generous enough.

gmelon
I lived onboard for 20yrs. The only rat we had onboard was one one of the cats brought in. She was obviously very proud of this as she left it in the middle of the lounge

Petra
I did.
Sneaky those rats.

Apologies if somebody has mentioned this already, but how about he sells his house, buys his boat and a little studio flat/pied a terre?

They are metal discs you put around your mooring lines. Rats can't get over them.

What's a rat guard?

In my experience it's the women I've known who thought our living arrangement was the best of both worlds.
I like the idea of telling DH boat is fine as long as it's his main home. He might not be so keen after a winter in a marina without home comforts.
gmelon...so you've survived 30 years living apart. I think there are quite a few couples in similar situations by choice. Most of the unhappy couples I've met are co-habiters.

gmelon
Why didn't you have rat guards?

gmelon I think my own husband would quite like that. He loves things his way, and has never quite adjusted to compromise. Neither have I in some ways.. But we manage. I think its because we both lived alone for so long - As you two have Rufussmum

Could your husband afford to buy a boat that would be big enough to live in if he sold his house? I know you are married and getting older but I can't see why you should sacrifice the roof over your head for something he wants ?

Thank you Rufus. Yes much better since I sold the boat !

My husband and I have lived apart all our 30yrs of marriage and still do.
When telling people this the women are bemused and uncomfortable at such an idea while the men usually declare it to be the perfect arrangement.
The men usually turn to my husband with a "bloody hell how did you manage that?"

If a ‘large part of the equity’ would go into a boat and the ‘joint’ house would be about the same as you have now why don’t you keep your house - and space, sell ‘his’ house and let him invest the proceeds in the boat. Keep your house in your name though!

What would happen if you don,t agree? Would your husband still go ahead and put his house for sale in the hope that you will come round to the idea.
I would be honest with him and say it would,nt work for you and you are happy in your own house. If he really wants his boat let him buy one from the proceeds of his property. It could be the answer. People do live permanently on narrow boats/barges, so if he really has his mind to have one .....on the understanding that he realises this is his new home then let him decide. If he goes ahead then you can continue as before spending time in each others homes....albeit a boat when you stay with him. On the other hand if he realises that this is the only way for him to have his own boat and it would be his main home as well, he might have a re- think.

It comes down to: do you still want to spend time with him?
If that's a yes, then let him buy his boat and spend the weekends with you at your house which you are used to ( only at his house)
But of course he will have to make a contribution to your household bills.
As we don't know his financial situation, but here in Essex the cheapest mud berth is £3,000+ a year.
This way you get to stay in your house and still have him in your life, that's if you want

gmelon..all true! Sorry about your diagnosis. Hope you managing OK now.
Theo..proposed boat is a 45 footer. Loads of room for one.
DH has moderate private pension, I have only state pension so we won't be exactly flush and I can't contribute anything if I keep my house.
Boat will cost approx £5K a year to moor, service, insure etc so not much more than living in two houses.

Lack of mobility*

Lack if mobility on a boat? Future may be difficult. I had a canal boat . Then I got MS. After a sudden and paralyzing attack occurred whilst on the boat it was hells own job to carry me off, up the tow path and into the ambulance.
They are cold, expensive, a security worry when you're away from them.
Water rats pitter patter on the roof whilst your dropping off to sleep. Also rats breaking in to find food.

Cold, did I mention cold? Yes, even the centrally heated ones.

There's no room for anything, mud comes in with you from the tow path.
You generate your own electricity and pump out your own body waste.

Dry dock costs hundreds per month and you can't live on it whilst in dry dock having its bottom blacked.
Oh, and it's cold.

You keep your house and he sells his and buys a boat. a 30ft cruiser has more than enough space on for someone to live for several days. That way he can bugger off to his boat for several days and come and see you at weekend. I think that would be a very suitable arrangement. Just say that this would be he only way the boat would get a lot of use....simples

I reckon you have done well so far in your 20 years, you are mostly together only when you are both not working, not much different from being retired and it worked. You might well find that as you both have other hobbies/interests with him being away on a boat for a time it could work but go slowly step by step. Keep your houses and see how it goes.