Retirement panic

You've lived happily apart for all these years. That says a lot. In your shoes, i'd be thinking divorce rather than moving in together. Just tell him you're not ready, stall and get clear on what YOU want. Don't let him push you into something you don't want to do and which will probably be non-reversible (once he pours money into a boat - which will depreciate in value - he is unlikely to be able to buy another home).

FlossieT love it!

What a very sensible solution.

Our country is so short of decent housing so we should have no more houses than we need.

Likewise with our children, they should not leave home until they can afford to house themselves without relying on housing benefit.

It’s a big fat NO from me too. It seems very clear from your posts that the boat is his dream, not a joint dream. Financing it from the equity in his house and expecting you to trump up the lion’s share to buy a new home is selfish beyond belief.
Is there something you would love to have that would take a lot of the equity in your house? Say a lovely motor home for example?
Tell him you’ve decided you’re going to get a motor home from the equity in your house and see what his reaction is. That might just bring home to him how selfish he’s being.

What size boat? Will it have a cabin and shower etc, is it going to be a cruiser or small day boat and does he know where it will be moored? If it is livable for a few days, then what will change?
Maybe this could be the compromise, that the boat will be his part-time home and keep to the same deal you have had for 20 yrs, and keep your space. Then if it becomes too much to cope with as he gets older he can sell it and then move together permanently, as you can increase the number of days bit by bit so you can get used to full time living together. Plus you can enjoy the trips on the boat as well.
This would be the ideal for me as I love boating!!

Are you involved in this boat in some way, Rufussmum? Do you want one too? If not, then it seems to me he's going to get the best of both worlds if you go ahead - he gets a boat, half a house (presumably it will be put in joint names), and someone to come home to after he's finished messing about on his boat. Does he envisage you'll be the little woman who stays at home, cleans the house and cooks the meals?

Please think about this very carefully. Giving up your independence for a 50% share in a house is a big ask on his part.

You feel depressed with the idea so don't agree to it. A compromise (if he has had his heart set on a nice boat for many years) would be to suggest he sells his house and buys the boat then moves in with you. As you said, if you sell both houses you won't end up with a bigger property anyway. House will then still be in your name so if living together doesn't work out then he can go and live on his boat. In the meantime you may find you enjoy boating. And if you don't, he'll be tinkering on it a lot so won't be under your feet all the time anyway. I most definitely wouldn't do what he is suggesting though. He should understand your concerns and make the compromise if it's his dream not yours.

I really endorse what everyone has said - if you've not been used to living together all these years to suddenly both move in together is a huge change in itself. Couple that with having to actually move out of your own home and spend the capital on something you don't want seems very wrong and I think you have to tell your husband so. The idea of joining a boating club seems very sensible.

You have both lived fairly independently during your relationship. I am assuming you both own your homes outright? Why not have a trial year.. rent out one property and live together in one. The rental income might contribute to holidays away together (on boats??) so you are not tripping over each other at home but learning to spend more time, happily, in each other's company.
At the end of the year you will both have a better idea of how you get on with closer living.

In the end you have to decide what you want and, as all relationships are a balance of give and take, how much each of you is prepared to compromise. If neither of you are happy then it suggests you would be better apart than together.

I have a suggestion
Both sell up and buy 2 retried ment flats in the same block.
You can still rent one out for income of need be .
But you both get the benefits of extra these blocks provide.

Is this boat thing new, or has he been talking of it for years? Are we talking motor boat or sailing boat? Sea-going or canals?

I found getting used to a boat easier than I had expected, but only because it is a motor boat and we keep to canals and rivers in Europe.

You don't mention children, so I assume there aren't any, or others looking forward to an inheritance from you that will be diminished if the boat is only in his name.

I get the impression that you do not want to alter the way you live now, and honestly, if you are going to give living together in one house all the time a try, do please, keep both properties, and rent one out for three months. That should be more than long enough to find out whether living together is enjoyable or the reverse.

You could also suggest that he sells his house and buys the boat he dreams of and lives on it, and you keep your house.

DH and I have long since discussed that if I predecease him he will probably sell our house and move on board our motor boat. If he goes first, I shall probably sell both house and boat and find a smaller home to live in.

Do please take into consideration how you will be placed as a widow - I'm assuming your OH is the elder and we all know most men do not live as long as their wives, or if retirement goes so wrong that you opt for divorce or a separation.

Keep your house in your name and let DH sell his house and buy his boat from his own money.

Make it clear that he only moves in with you if he is nice and that you will be looking to D.I.V.O.R.C.E. if he is not nice.

He deserves the best? Well, what do you deserve then?

I am afraid I smell a giant rat here. I wouldn't trust him.

You’ve had a very unique marriage, so it’s dfficult to advise either way. My close friend still adores her DH after 25 years but says, how I wish that he lived next door, my life would be so much better !! I think you need to listen to your heart and your DH must validate your feelings as they are equally important as his own.

Along with my previous comment I would also show and get him to read this thread. It may solve the whole issue for you:

realising your concerns
seeing what a selfish and silly idea he has
realising that he loves you for you and would not jeopardise the marriage
bringing a discussion to the for to plan your future together or not as this case may be.

Good luck and do let us know what the final outcome is.

If you have doubts and feel torn that says it all to me .
I think it would be best to carry on the way you have .
He can sell his house buy his boat and rent a somewhere close to you .
That would work for both of you.
Unless he wants your money if that is the case RUN for the Hills

I can't quite believe what I'm reading. Why on earth did the OP get married in the first place?

Boats take a fair bit of money to keep, not to mention the mooring fees etc.
For how long would both of you be able to enjoy boating, getting on and getting off it etc?
It might be an unequal partnership if he is merging his money with yours, then taking a chunk out of it to mess about in a boat?
Do YOU like boating too?
I'd say to leave well alone. If you moved in together there is no going back.
Why did you marry when you could have just co-habited when the mood took you?
Good luck in making a decision. Personally, I think it's all about him releasing money to buy the boat, not that he wants to be closer/spend more time with you.

Totally agree with the above and other posters.

There is a reason why you chose to live separately and why your gut is urging you not to throw away your safety blanket. Women are supposed to conform to being housemaids/carers without complaint and demands can creep up on us until it's too late to do anything about it. Think carefully about what you value in your own life. As for aging, there are no guarantees any of us will remain together until the end.

I think you have big changes ahead. Many couples who live together permanently have to face changes once retired. Getting under each other’s feet, being at home for an extra 40+ hours a week - it can take a lot of readjusting. You’re coming from a much different place as you haven’t been living together for long stretches. Double whammy!
My thoughts - live together in whichever house is the most suitable and give yourselves a chance to adapt to being together 24/7. Then decide if you can live in a small home. If you find it claustrophobic, the answer will be to buy a more spacious house where you can each have your own space. Plan for any extra costs. Then see what money is left. This is what you have to spend between you. Will it buy a boat, and do you both want this with your joint cash? If you decide to live in a small house, the cash from the sale or sales will belong to you both. How will you both decide to use it to your mutual benefit?
The other thing to consider is why does he want an expensive boat? Is it a whim because he thinks it possible? Does he really have the energy, skills, expertise to make the most of it? Are you both prepared to pay all the considerable extra expenses involved? Are you both happy with losing money on it, as it’s often not a profitable investment?
A really serious ongoing discussion is imminent - better get your thoughts clarified and organised so you can state your case and stand your ground if necessary. Your feelings, needs and wants are every bit as valid and important as his.

I know a few people who own boats. They say the two best days are the day you buy it and the day you sell it. They are a constant drain on finances. Mooring fees, running cost, maintainence and repairs are just a few that spring to mind.

The monetary fact is that property goes up in value, boats decidedly do not! As others have said, you need to speak up.

Don't GO THERE

I haven't read the whole of the thread so apologies if I'm duplicating what others may have said. Maybe you could try the opposite of a trial separation and have a trial at living together in one of the properties and rent out the other for say 6 months or a year? That way you'd either strengthen the relationship and realise that you need each other or decide that it's not possible to live together full time, in which case he could sell his house and take off in his boat bought with the proceeds and you could still keep your house. If the relationship survives and deepens as you live together then maybe he'll come to realise that you are more important to him than a boat.

Hang on to your house if it's in your name whatever you do. Let him buy his own boat, don't give him a penny towards it's cost. Sound like a selfish blighter to me