How can I make this all better?!

icanhandthemback
Sorry - crossed posts

I did have to point out to DD1 that she can’t meet up with DD2 if she has the baby with her. He’s into everything and will be too distracting. So if DD2’s DP is not around - I will certainly need to be - although I would make sure we are not in the same place.
I think she is desperate to resolve this and admitted she hadn’t thought of the baby distracting them - so the timing will have to be mutual for us all! Which could be difficult.

She also has some issues to tackle with her father that she needs to do asap. Poor girl - she must feel awful

When she started to tell me about the issues she had recognised through the counselling, I really thought she was going to say our divorce had affected her. But she says it definitely didn’t, as it was handled very sensitively. At least we got something right!

readymeals
But DD1 has told me that there’s a problem with how I interact with them both

I think your DD2 may need your support once DD1 has had her chat with her. My DD went to counselling as she was very depressed. At the time I was already helping to look after my three DGC and I knew that there were problems with my now ex-SIL which added to her depression. After a few sessions she asked if I would go with her to the next one (she said she would like my company) so I agreed. We got there and the first thing the counsellor said to me was 'Did I care that DD was depressed'. I don't know what had gone on previously but I was really shocked and hurt that she must have told him I didn't care about her. I had no-one to talk too about it afterwards either as DD asked me to tell no-one. I honestly couldn't support her any more than I was doing at the time, I had changed my working hours so I could be there after school for the DGC until bedtime and other things as well. I do sometimes wonder if the 'tell all' approach does more damage than healing, especially for those on the receiving end.

Some good advice I think here and I agree 100% with Luckygirl's comments. Also you might be underestimating your DDs. DD1 has put a lot of thought into approaching you and is likely to put similar care into talking to her sister. And DD1 is not expecting you to intermediate between them. Having AC who have had stressful periods in their lives, they have said what wonderful support they had from their siblings - the same siblings they argue with regularly! Leave them to work it out - they will. My AC also seem strong most of the time and then suddenly need support. You have my sympathy - it does knock you sideways, particularly if it's unexpected. The most difficult thing for me is to work out what behaviours I need to change to help them to move on. You need to talk to them about this before life resumes 'as normal' again. You too need to work out how to give your DDs equal attention, in spite of the face they show the world. As Luckygirl said, remind both of them you are not a mind reader - if they don't tell or include you, you won't know. And try not to mind the fact that Mum usually gets the blame for something!

I do agree with previous posters that you need to step back. They are adults and they really do not need you to referee. Obviously the counselling has brought sibling rivalry to the fore. I do sometimes think that the wrong sort of counselling can be counter productive. Your family does have a good relationship overall. All families have their ups and downs its just how things are. While you do feel their pain it is not always possible to beat their path for them. They are very lucky to have such a caring mother. I am sure that with their stable backgrounds they will sort things out.

Poor you,i know how you feel,stuck in the middle-My son fell out with my daughter last yr &although i did not take sides i was above board and told both i would be continuing to visit both of them so i could see my grandchildren.(and them)and that i wouldnt discuss either of them with the other while i was there,as that wasnt fair to either of them.nor report back to the other-this was ok for awhile till my son took the hump as id called into my daughters house first before his- (both live an hour&a halfs drive away from me,but not far from each other)he didnt say it was for this reason,he used lots of excuses,but he fell out with me too,and id done nothing wrong!Now ive not seen him,his wife nor my 3 grandkids since august and its my GDs birthday in a couple of mths- i dont want her to miss out,as her 2 brothers already had their birthdays/presents before he fell out with me.I feel so bad for her as its not her fault,plus im missing all 3 of the GC as we're normally quite close.(they stay at mine in holidays or take turns to go on holiday with me,its heartbreaking.And none of its the kids fault.also my son&daughters kids used to spend a lot of time together now they just dont and its not fair.i cant see them making up at all as i think their other halves are making it worse by putting their two-pennorth in.

It seems to be true that us mums always get blame for everything that goes wrong even when we've done all we can!!?

Nannan2, you were probably going to be in this position no matter what you did because, no matter how good a Mum you are, sometimes this is the personality you are dealing with. Equally, you often find that the parent who does the most damage is the parent who is most yearned for and will be given the most leeway. Life can be so terribly unfair, especially when kids are involved.
My sister views what went on in our childhood in a much different way than I do. We both experienced the same traumas and disruption with a mother who would always put a man first no matter what was happening to us. In my eyes, she was the golden child (with everybody) because she was bright, witty and bubbly. I was more morose but reliable if you wanted something done. Consequently I have been the one my mother turns to when she wants something done and I have remained close in distance so there is availability in the equation too. However, about 10 years ago when my father appeared out of the blue, told her a few hardship tales, her stories about our childhood suddenly became a catalogue of abuse against us and she started distorting facts to the point of outright lies. I was quite shocked and when my sister did something I thought was a real betrayal of trust so I took a step back, she became paranoid about my relationship with my mother. Suddenly I had always been the golden child, etc, etc. By the time her skewed beliefs went round the family 3 times and I defended myself, we all hunkered down choosing the 'side' of the family we felt more understood by. It has been a nightmare and such a shock when she was the person I was closest to in all the world for most of my life. Although I think it is important to listen to your kids and be supportive, I think you have to be very careful to ensure you don't inadvertently fan the flames.

Flaxseed yes, I understand that, but it still may not be true, and may be not something she would have felt if she hadn't been struggling with her depression. Depression like any mental health problem can really tint your spectacles. You can't brush her concerns aside of course, but more talk between you and DD1, or maybe more you listening and her talking, might actually be a better idea than a three-way thing with you as the third point of the triangle, because I am not at all sure things can be sorted in a rational way if my theory is right and it's got a largely irrational basis. I mean you were doing fine in DD1's eyes until she became unwell, or I am sure she'd have complained before.

readymeals
DD1 denies being depressed and sees it as more of a ‘feeling inadequate period’
She has acknowledged that having very high standards and being a perfectionist have actually caused her to feel bad about herself as she feels it’s a constant battle to live up to the bar she has set for herself.
It has definitely made her more sensitive but I think she’s felt this way about our relationship (to a lesser extent) for many years.
She thinks that because DD2 struggled with academic work and is generally a more emotional person, I constantly try to boost her up to feel valued.
But by doing so have ignored DD1’s need for some kind of acknowledgement. Whilst I do see this, I have always shown immense proud with DD1’s achievements but must have been missing something
Myself and DD2 are both very alike - anxious, emotionally and have lower expectations so I do find myself defending her as I just understand her better.
This does not mean I love or favour her more and I have made that clear to DD1.
She has said ‘I have never doubted you love us both equally’

nannan2
How sad for you. Could you still send your gd a birthday present if there has been no reconciliation by then?

dot - I do really fear the ‘doing more damage than healing’ scenario.
I can only pray that it is an ‘opening up’ situation rather than a falling out which would shatter not only me but the wider family too

My DH, my children's step father, has a great expression. 'Be interested but not involved' and it has helped me to step back many times.
My son and daughter have the closeness of 2 children bought up by a single mum, a fierce loyalty but a natural sibling frustration with each othe sometimes. Their lives have gone in different directions....one a devoted parent, the other still single. Both in their 40s. As life has become more stressful and emotional for my daughter (who was always the cool, self contained one) her brother has been so supportive in a way that a parent could never be. He can be more honest, sometimes direct and definitely more intimate with her than I can. She and I are so close that I find it very difficult to be objective and so listen and hug (real and virtual by email!) but rarely offer advice.
Recently, and this may happen to you, Flaxseed, issues have been raised about parts of their childhood feelings that I never dreamed existed and I think it's important that they can share these with each other and not necessarily have to explain them to me.
It is indescribably hard to know that these adults are hurting inside like the little children we could once comfort on our knee.

I would leave them to talk without you around. It would be the perfect time as you could not get drawn in. It must be hard for dd2 to see you always helping and supporting her sister and she may feel you want to be around to do so again. DD2 needs to unload and open up which she obviously finds hard and needed a professional counseller to help her with. Remind them both you love them and they only have one sister and go and have a nice break and when you come back all may be resolved.

Talking therapies can be very productive but they can sometimes be destructive. So much depends on the therapist, who hears the story of their client rather than the family story.
Your daughter denies feeling depressed yet sought counselling because she felt low. It sounds a bit as though she is trying to apportion some responsibility to her mother and sister for her current emotional struggles. I’m not sure that’s either fare or honest. Life is tough for all of us, even those of us who appear to be sailing through. Trust your daughters to work their way through this and look after yourself

iam64 From what DD1 has said about her counsellor, she mostly just listened and let DD come to her own conclusions - but obviously I don’t know.

I get the feeling that DD1 wants to feel closer to her sister so I am praying that that will be the case.

I do accept some responsibility in treating them differently but it’s only been in response to what I feel they need at any given time. As someone said previously - I’m not a clairvoyant.

It would be interesting to know what DD2 thinks of my part in their relationship. She’d probably say ‘mum drives me mad mollycoddling me all the time!’

But that’s ok - I can live with that, as long as they are ok

I think that you have got sucked into this and that is a hard place to be. I do think that you should find some way of not being in the same house when the two DDs have their conversation. If there is the need to look after a GC I think it might be better done off the premises; or for somone else to do it.

Also, when all this is done and dusted it might be worth just saying to them when they are both there: "You know you are both my precious girls - always have been and always will be - and I love you both to bits" - in an upbeat not an emotional way!

It's hard to watch your kids at loggerheads with each other....my daughter and older boy had issues at one time (over his choice of girlfriend). They are fine now. I have 3 AC ....they are by no means best friends but when push comes to shove, they have each other's backs and that's all we want.
Flaxseed, I'm sure your daughter's will sort things out. Do not take sides even if you think one of them is in the wrong.
All the best !

It is very distressing when your children fall out. It is difficult to know whether to intervene or not.

I think that the fact that you, your parents and your siblings have never had a cross word is very unusual. I have three sisters and we are so different. We constantly disagree about something and have fallen out many times, whilst we were growing up and still do and there have been times when we haven't spoken for months. I agree with many of the comments made, sisters are like this. They will make it up eventually - still though, very worrying for you.

crazyh
The thing is - they are not at loggerheads. DD2 has absolutely no idea about what’s gone on. Yet.
I have in fact been just looking through our group WhatsApp messages and they show nothing but love and respect for each other!

luckygirl I will definitely say that.

newatthis my brother (who died in his mid 40’s) used to annoy me at times but that’s the only family ‘issue’ I have ever had.

Maybe that’s why I am stressing so much about this - because we’ve never had any arguements in our family. I just assumed all family’s got on!!

Flaxseed, my apologies for using the word 'loggerheads'.

Nannan2 ......you've hit the nail on the head - 'other halves"- say no more

OP your post said how can I make it all better? no you can't. You just have to sit there and take it and not comment unless it's to correct any claims gently or pick up the pieces.

Flaxseed, I think you are right in thinking that we respond to the different needs of our DC, both as children and adults. I've had conversations on this topic with a number of friends re our AC, and we all felt that we had one that needed/ looked for more support and reassurance than the others. There's obviously a fair chance that this is going to be the case in many families. As so many people have pointed out, as parents, we react accordingly, just as if one had a broken limb, we would doubtless have to put 'extra' support measures in place. Unfortunately, our AC sometimes only look back and see what went on on the surface, not what lay behind it. We can only try to explain to our AC how it actually was, and hope they can understand. Your DD's are intelligent ladies, so there's a good chance that they will see things from each other's point of view, and they know that you want the best fit both of them. Good luck.

Where has it come from the fact that siblings are precious individuals you never disagree with. Sounds like a social media thing. I come from a family where my mother was always falling out with her sisters and I ignored my older brother for years. My DH hardy ever sees his brother who he finds boring. Looking aound, the time to appreciate siblings is when you are getting older and are living a much quieter life. Perhaps few peole have died and you are the eledest in the family.

I would suggest you don't let yourself be drawn into this. It is not your life. the young women must see that they get on with each other and leave their mother out of it. You brought them up, you love them. Let them have a row and don't take sides.
Hope it works out.

I do so agree with those who say let your DDs work this out together. And just be there to support each according to their needs. Easier said than done. At the moment a huge rift has opened up between oldest and youngest of my 4. Youngest has had a whole raft of distressing things happening to her. She lives near us so we have supported her and her children through these. Oldest moved to England as a student and has lived there ever since. She has her troubles too but I'm obviously not able to support her as much. Recently, when she was over with her family on a visit, she attacked me for giving so much support to her sister, saying youngest was my favourite. I have heard her complaints about her sister before but never this. I was really shocked. I give all my children as much support as I can when they need it, as does DH, and made it clear that we absolutely love them all. I have decided that any involvement from me would now make things worse. So sad when our children have fall outs. Tears you apart, doesn't it?

Sibling rivalry is very common, almost universal, my daughters do it in a trivial way, better car, more lavish party, clothes, especially for children. Thankfully they get on well generally and I try not to favour any of them, but, if one of them needs help they know they can ask.
We all want our children to achieve success by their own efforts and try to guide them toward that goal, it does not always work out and that's where favouritism starts. So I help the one that needs it, if any of the other were to comment, my reply would be " sorry I didn't know, do you need help".
The only other rule is never interfere in their marriage nor in any disputes with each other, luckily neither temptation has arisen.