How can I make this all better?!

Ahh Flaxseed, I do feel for you, I think it’s harder being a Mum when our children are adults, simply because we are no longer in charge & making the decision, so much harder to stand back even though we feel their pain.
I think you have to let them sort it out themselves, reiterating that you will not take sides & you hope that the way you brought them will ensure that they sort out their differences amicably. Most likely once they have both aired their feelings they will understand each other better & their future relationship will be all the stronger & better for getting it out in the open, best wishes & hugs

Yes Flaxseed in fact very similar.Sadly they have no contact with each other now at all.I have tried,as a parent to help bring them together, but they seem happier apart.
Time will ( or will not) change the situation.We love them both and see them both regularly but not at the same time.
Sibling rivalry is very common.Sometimes we have to step back from it and not interfere.

Oh man. What a minefield.

My advice is to step back and let them handle it. This way you won't be accused of "taking sides". I've always maintained that parents can't manage their adult children's relationships with each other.

If they fall out, they fall out. They're adults and that's on them. I would suggest that if they do come back to you and say they've fallen out, you would do best to just be empathetic but not take sides.

Trust them. They are grown ups now and need to manage their own relationship with their sibling. You can't be there as referee when they meet. Maybe send them both an email (a joint email so they see the same wording) saying how much you love them both and have the confidence in them to work through whatever the issues are.

Maybe worth reminding them they each have only one sister and how precious that relationship is and that it is worth nurturing while respecting their personal differences and chosen paths in life. It doesn't mean they are suddenly going to be each other's best friend or even see each other a great deal but hopefully a respectful and supportive relationship can be maintained.

Leave them to sort it out for themselves.

I hardly ever see my brother, we were brought up totally different thanks to my mum - she gave him everything he wanted while I was made to earn everything for myself. It has meant we have totally different outlook on life so nothing in common. My Dad has only realised how I feel about it since my mum died.
On the rare occasion we do meet (wedding/funeral type of thing) we chat, but that's it. The last time I saw him was my mum's funeral 11 years ago. I don't even know his address since he last moved. We have never fallen out but he just isn't my type of person.

Not everyone needs their siblings in their daily lives.

Flaxseed Sorry but you can't make it all better neither should you try. Your daughters are adults now so trust them to sort this out themselves.
I agree with Apricity especially in her last paragraph. I hope everything works out well for all of you.

Thanks for all of your comments.

I find it really sad that this is not uncommon.
I will certainly remind them that they only have one sister.

At the moment I’m struggling with DD2 being completely unaware of her sister’s intentions to ‘talk’

I’m away this weekend and have asked DD1 to refrain from making plans for them to meet up as I do want to be around should either of them need a shoulder to cry on. I think she’ll respect this.

Who knew parenting would be harder when they were adults?!

You can only give support to both when asked.

We raise are children whatever their character or personality into adulthood to be free thinking individuals and along the way they will make mistakes in comments and behaviour.

They are adult children and you cannot interfere with what they say to each other they have to sort this out themselves and you should not be seem to support one of them above the other.

I think all the above is right - they do need to sort it out between themselves. I suspect that the problem for you is that DD1 is involving you in it, as she is saying basically that she thinks you favour DD2 -so standing back will be hard for you as she is implying that you are part of the problem and that must be very painful for you.

It is so hard as we can all only do our best. I have 3 DDs and there are times when one seems more needy and I try to respond to that, but it is hard to also juggle with the feelings of the others and trying to make sure they do not feel put out by that extra attention. But a bit of me feels that they are adults and they just have to suck it up!

One thing that you could say to DD1 is that she is so good at putting up a coping front that it is difficult to know when she is in difficulty and needs a bit of support - perhaps you could openly acknowledge this and say you are always there for her, but she needs to be open about it.

I suspect that her counsellor might have steered her in the direction of "having it out" with her sister - which is fine as long as she feels this is what she wants to do.

Basically your DD1 has been forced to show her vulnerable side - something she is not used to doing - and this is a healthy step; but she will find it very hard. You need to steer that tortuous course between being there to support her, but not actively interfering with how she handles her sister.

It is very important that you do not take the blame for this - you have been responding to what you can see - and if there is more going on underneath, you are not clairvoyant!

There will have to be some shifting of boundaries and attitudes and I hope very much that this can be achieved sensitively. I do not envy you this difficult task.

Our two boys have had a couple of fallouts in their adult life so far and I've left them to it just like I left them to it when they were children if I had not seen what caused the scrap with my own eyes. I used to kick them out into the garden and lock the door until they had sorted themselves and I do the same now but not the kicking out and locking the door . I don't want to know details and when one is having a moan I just listen but make no comment .
One disagreement lasted 2 years , all about one not liking the other ones gf. They made friends again when the gf was off the scene.
Don't get involved and if I were you I would not even want to be around on the day of the discussion . Leave them to it you cannot control their relationship by making sure everything is all lovey dovey all the time .I am wondering if you are the reason they have not talked about things before . Your desire for things to be nice and loving all the time could be the reason the resentment has built up to this level .
It is natural for siblings to quarrel so they should be allowed to while younger just don't intervene .

Yes - one of my sons at the moment is refusing to pick up the phone to the other. I'm really concerned this will develop into a rift, and I know what the reasons are, but I am refusing to get involved - if they are going to have a good relationship as adults, they'l have to sort it out for themselves.

Try not to worry (I know that's easier said than done) - it's good that DD1 is getting help, this is all part of the fallout from that, and it may even change things for the better over time.

Sorry I haven't read the entire thread but here are my thoughts. My late husband was the 'capable, practical' one of PIL's two children - therefore he was left to get on with things as he 'could always manage'.
BIL, although academically gifted wasn't as practical and often needed help in a way that DH didn't.
Obviously PILs loved both equally but the unequal help gave the impression that one was loved more - not so.
I think it may be a good idea to stand back a little but let it be known that you've a shoulder to cry on if needed.

As said above - they are adults and should be left to 'get on with it'. However I think you are within your 'rights' to acknowledge to both of them they may have differences but that you very much hope they can continue a 'good' relationship in spite of (or may be because of) them..... We can't choose our family but they are important!

Oh Golly - what a ‘tender time’ for DD1 and how courageous of her to step out of her comfort zone (which had clearly become uncomfortable). I’m keeping my fingers crossed that DD2 is respectful of DD1 expressing vulnerability. It’s often our vulnerabilities that show our common humanity and make us more loveable. Big hug from me for you in what must be a rather bewildering time.

Flaxseed, 1st you are worrying about what hasn't happened and by getting involved you could make a problem happen as you are expecting them to be upset with one another.
2nd. Having talked to you your DD1 is most likely feeling better and less stressed about the situation,
3rd I do think the sisters do need to chat and When DD1 admits her vulnerability her sister hopefully will be less critical and find her sister more approachable..

Hopefully in the future you will all be more in tune with one another.

So many of my friends (including myself) have adult children who are not close and in many cases do not see or speak to each other. I see my children separately at times like Christmas. I dont take sides. I would love to mediate but accept that it is not down to me, they must sort their relationship out themselves and I hope that one day they will do. Until then I get on with my own life.

I agree with the great majority of comments, especially Apricity's last paragraph.
I myself have 2 brothers, the younger by 11 years was mum's favourite and we got on famously, however, I was married with children and he was in the USA and Canada, single and working. I know he's married with at least one child and was in the Lo don area but we've not been in touch for over 30 years. My other brother is boring and resentful of the fact that I had sons and daughters while his marriage brought forth 4 daughters. He very much wanted a son. We haven't spoken in about 35years xnd I'm happy about that. We have nothing in common. He was a cop with a bad attitude.

*sorry. London/and

Kindness is all you can give really. Make sure you have other activities to focus on, so when you are needed you are well and happy and able to support them. DD1 sounds as though she may need a lot of understanding for a while - Kind - Calm - Reassuring. Everyone has their limits and she has gone a bit too close to hers. I wonder if your being with them during the truth telling might make things worse. May be better to let them get on with it.

It is possible that the talk will bring them closer together in my opinion. DD2 will realise that her sister has a ‘weaker’ side too and that might just make her much more approachable and DD1 might just find support from sharing this with her sister. Good luck and be optimistic

Step back. They really must sort things out themselves and make their own decisions.

Whilst I agree with everybody to step back, have you asked DD1 how she wants to proceed. She may not want you to be there or actually need you not to be there. It would definitely very difficult to take a middle road, especially if you thought something your DD1 had a different view about than your and DD2. I don't think that would be helpful to DD1 and would make her feel isolated.
May I suggest that you be non-committal with both of them regarding their relationship so you don't get caught in the middle. A bit of, "I'm sorry you are feeling like this," with less suggestion about how they resolve things may be the way forward. I think asking DD1 to delay her talk so you can be around to comfort may be counter productive too. This may well be playing on her mind and she might find some relief in talking to DD2. Whilst your intentions may be entirely honourable, it could be interpreted as you needing to be around to protect one OR the other rather than both. Let them determine when and where they talk, just remind DD1 you won't be around if she wants to talk earlier rather than later. This is a momentous time for her if she is used to keeping things inside and shouldn't be discouraged.
I do feel for you though and hope they can sort things out to get a healthier, stronger relationship.

Lots more good advice/support. Thank you so much.

DD1 has certainly struggled with showing her vulnerable side and I am so proud of her for recognising she wasn’t feeling right and getting the help she needed. We have discussed what she has learnt from the counselling and various ‘mindfulness’ sessions and she can see how she might come across to others. She has always been mature but now shows a new level of maturity and recognises things it’s taken me 50plus years to work out!

I think her perception of DD2 being jealous of her is wrong. DD2 always seems proud of her and looks up to her. She’ll joke that she’s a ‘stresshead’ and can find her unapproachable at times but just accepts that’s her personality.
I have not picked up on any underhand comments directed at her sister but as I said before - DD1’s feelings are completely valid too so if she feels there’s an issue she obviously needs to tackle it.

It wasn’t nice to learn that I was part of the problem and although I’m glad DD1 finally offloaded to me, it has affected how i’ve felt this week. But it’s also made me reevaluate my relationship with them both and I am trying to take positives from this.

I just know DD2 is going to feel awful afterwards too as it’s a natural reaction and I wish I could protect her from that - just as I would if the tables were turned and it was DD2 tackling DD1. It feels awful that I can’t do so

I will take the advice to not be with them, but I do think it’s best if i’m around to respond to any visits, calls, messages from either of them.

I am away this weekend for DP’s birthday and calls or messages from both or either of them will just ruin it.

So I will be selfish (for once) and insist DD1 does not approach her sister this weekend!

marionk That is what I am praying will be the outcome.

I’ll keep you all posted. It’s been good to share this - so thank you

Aren't sisters always a bit like this? Would be there in a blink of an eye for each other at a time of need, but still jealous of each other over any perceived difference. It may be that DD1 is being particularly sensitive to the normal cut and thrust at this time due to this bout of depression she's been going through, and it may be there is nothing whatsoever actually wrong in either their relationship or how you've been interacting with either of them. So don't rush to get embroiled in a big unnecessary showdown.