How can I make this all better?!

Iam64 yes, what you said in your post certainly struck a chord with me, I think some talking therapies have a lot to answer for!!

I have 2 younger sisters, they are both different. I thought in retirement they would be my best friends. Sadly Sister one is retired child psycho therapist and sets up family meetings to resolve issues that she identifies. I never know what she will identify as a negative that happened in the past - both our parents have died. We each experienced a different childhood. The sister two depended on sister one to sort and issue out in her own family and felt that as the youger sister she was negleted by our parents. I do not involve myself in all this psycho nonsense. I have a life to live, time is limited and I get on with my projects. It is a bit different with daughters but they are adults and I believe that the role of counsellors is to let one put ones feelings into words and then put the feelings to bed. I don't think it helps to share them round the family and cause the sort of concerns that you are experiencing Flaxseed. You get on with your life and let them sort their relationship out whilst remaining a mother to each of them.

If these are long standing differences between them I'm not sure that now is the time to address them. Maybe when your DD1 is feeling a bit less vulnerable might be a more appropriate time to sort things out with her sister and try to get their relationship on a better footing or just clear the air.

Flaxseed This must be so hard for you but I agree with so many others on here that you should remain neutral. I have no more experience of this other than the usual family 'fall outs' but if DD1 has already seen a counsellor is there not some sort of family mediation support available where the two sisters could talk about this without involving you. You are much too close to them both to be a mediator.

My parents and siblings have never had a cross word!

Welcome to the real world. I've never known a family where nobody ever had a cross word . These two are adults, they'll make their own relationship and you can't fix it, I'm afraid. Anything you say at this point will make things worse, since either one or both of them will think you are siding with the other .

Stay right out of it and let them figure things out for themselves. They are not children , to have things "fixed" by their mother. Step back and let them sort it themselves.

I never get involved in any sibling disputes. Each have beaten their own path and have had to make their own decisions as it's their life, not mine. None have come to me with tales of woe or unresolved issues with their siblings or me...except one, who said, as a mother, I should be prepared to lend money. I didn't agree and that caused a cessation of contact for about 4 months. I never mentioned it when I got the next call and I don't discuss what one says with any of the others. To be truthful, they never have any problems that I know about. What I do know, is that their lives are good and I really like their wives and husbands. I've no intention of mediating in any differences they may have. My view isn't their view.
Keep out and stay out is my mantra.

stella1949
I appreciate I have been very lucky to not encounter any family disputes.
I think that is why I am really struggling with this situation.

grandma I don’t think mediation is necessary at this point as they could well work things out.

I will definitely make myself scarce but should either or both need me afterwards I will be there for them.
I just have to trust that they can work something out

Flaxseed ??☘️

I agree with others, step back and let them get on with it. From the way you've written your post it seems as though dd1 is making a formal appointment to meet up with dd2 to put her point across, which seems a little hard-hearted, but perhaps I'm interpreting it wrong.
To be quite honest I don't particularly agree with the way some counsellor go about things. When a person is feeling down it is very easy for a counsellor to convince someone in a vulnerable state that their problems go back to x or y in their lives.

pat1959
No you haven’t interpreted it wrong.
Despite accepting that I mustn’t get involved, I agree that’s it’s a harsh way of going about things and I will have to advise DD1 to make it less formal. That’s really unfair on DD2 who has no idea.

Umm.
Like some other posters, I am not sure that counselling is always productive.
The key words here are: " - she... told me she’s been feeling very low recently and work arranged some counselling."
Work is under an obligation to offer support when staff are troubled or stressed, which suggests that the problem may lie in the workplace. Your daughter has chosen to identify her problems as stemming from family relationships yet they haven't prevented her from gaining (up to now) all she desires: high achievements, good career, new marriage.

High achievers are focused, determined, single- minded; the downside is that they can show little empathy to the needs of others. The fact that she is planning to have an emotional heart to heart with her sister without any consideration for the impact it may have on her baby is an indication of a lack of awareness. How much better if she simply told her sister how miserable she is feeling, 'and I don't know why.'
My reading of this situation is that she is apportioning blame without acknowledging the underlying reasons for her present unhappiness.

easybee
I don’t think she’s apportioning the blame on her sister, but feels she needs to clear the air re a few issues that have surfaced.
I have thought about it a lot today and was feeling more positive, and confident that DD1 really wants to improve the relationship with DD2, and that maybe I was getting over anxious about it all.
But now I’m unsure again

I am really trying to look forward to my weekend away but this is like a cloud hanging over me.
I supported DD2 at her friends baby’s funeral today and it was horrible to see her so upset, knowing that she was about to be upset again soon
I blubbed a fair bit too, for not only that sad loss of life but because I feel pretty shit about this too

Perhaps you need to trust DD1 to tackle this in a kindly way. I know you had a cry when she spoke to you but was she unkind or aggressive about it? I didn't get that from you original post but maybe there were things you thought were unkind. If she wasn't, there is no reason to assume she will be unkind to your other daughter so there may be no upset. Please don't let this ruin your break. Whatever is going to happen won't change by you worrying so much you ruin your break. Try to enjoy it so you are refreshed to cope with whatever life throws at you and cross your bridges as you come to them. I know it is difficult but you can achieve this by actively forcing your mind onto another subject whenever it strays into your conscious thought.

Flaxseed, I'm so sorry about this situation. It must be very hard to think your dds might fall out with each other. I'm sure you wish you could "make it all better," the way you could when they were kids. I agree with the advice to step back, though, and I feel you're making excuses to stay involved in some way. They are adults - they can handle the baby issue, maybe waiting till baby naps or having dd2's dp watch baby. I definitely don't think you should advise dd1 on how to approach her sister. They probably have their own dynamic going on, and dd1 might interpret your comments as one more sign that you're more concerned about dd2 than her. You do not need to be there for any reason. You do not need to weigh in on what's said or how it's done. If you don't want to get calls/emails about it while you're away, then I understand you're asking dd1 to wait, but please realize she doesn't have to and may not feel able to.

My main concern, if I were you, would be dd1's perception that I'm not as supportive of her as of dd2. It may be a good idea to send her a "How's your day going?" text, now and then, etc. Just something to show you're thinking about her. Clearly, she "needs" you more than you think though, perhaps, not in the same way as dd2. Hopefully, the fact that you cried with her helped dispell her fears. But still... I know you're busy, what with helping out with baby, etc. But perhaps it would help your relationship with dd1 if you found time to contact her more often, if only briefly.... Food for thought...

Thank you ican and starlady

DD2 was most certainly not aggressive when she came round. In fact, looking back on it, she obviously found it very difficult to approach the subject as she was quite unsettled. She was upset that I got upset too.
I also know that she would hate to cause a family rift so I need to trust that she handles it sensitively.

I will do my best to try and not dwell on it this weekend.

Thank you everyone

You're welcome, Flaxseed. Please try to enjoy your weekend (I know it might be a little hard).

Nannan2, I'm so sorry about the rift between your ac and the way ds reacted to your visiting dd first. Imo, you did your best to stay out of the middle. I'm sorry he didn't see or didn't appreciate that. Sometimes, no matter what a parent does, things go sour. Maybe he just needs some space. I hope that's all it really is. Hugs!

Dear Flaxseed How are you? Did all work its' way out in the end with your dd's? ❤

Brigidsdaughter
Thanks for thinking of me.

There hasn’t been an opportunity for them to meet up yet.

So,I am still feeling unsettled and apprehensive.

Had a long chat with DP (not my DD’s father) on our weekend away and he really doesn’t understand why I am stressing so much.
He has seen how close DD’s are on many occasion and said he’d put money on it all working out well!
I wish I felt as confident!

I’m assuming DD’s are still in regular contact as DD2 would have innocently commented e.g ‘mum- I haven’t heard from DSis much - have you?’

I just want it all sorted but with everyone’s busy lives and commitments I can see it’s not going to be easy!

I will definitely come back to let you know.
Thanks

Hi again flaxseed
I'm with your partner on this. Time has passed and DD1 will have got a lot of these feelings out of her system by now just by opening up to you. By the time she talks to DD2 it will probably be a good heart to heart with admissions of her feelings and they'll clear the air. It would be different if there had been 'an event' that caused DD1'S issues. It's life and her coming to realise she's not 8nvincible either. You sou d like a very loving family!

My DD’s have been upstairs talking for well over an hour. I’m downstairs with the baby.
I’ve no idea how it’s going.
I’ve heard quiet tones as well as the odd raised voice. Don’t think there has been tears which I was expecting.

I’m feeling very unsettled

How did it go Flaxseed ? I hope it all went well. You do sound like a close, loving family. And you are able to communicate....that's the main thing. Hope all went well.

Thank you all, from the bottom of my heart.

DD2 came in and on the quiet said to me ‘I feel like DD1 wants to tell us something! Maybe she’s pregnant!’
My heart ached because she had no idea the real reason behind our get together.
Anyway, DD1 called DD2 upstairs and there they stayed for well over 1.5 hours.

I took on all the advice from you and my CBT therapist (had 2 phone sessions and not convinced it will help me but tried her ‘exercises’ anyway) and put my trust in DD2 to approach things in a sensitive way and let them sort things out without me interfering.

I was very tempted to go upstairs to check on them but respected their privacy and and acknowledged the need to step back.

After what felt like forever, they both came down red eyed but laughing.
We all sat down and had a good old chat about how we were all feeling.
The relief was overwhelming, as it was obvious that they had really cleared the air.

And funnily enough - it proved that DD2 is far stronger and resilient than I ever thought.
I really need to stop thinking of her as my ‘baby’.
She’s actually very feisty and mature!
She was very upset that DD1 had needed counselling and that she had no idea (this is just how I felt)
We covered so much and acknowledged how different we all are, how we can’t control how others act, how important sharing our problems are........ just so many things!

This has been a huge lesson for us all and I do believe it will make us all better and more compassionate people.

For those out there who are estranged from children or siblings - I am truly sorry.

For all of you who contributed to this thread - I am truly grateful.

God bless you all

So pleased for you Flaxseed Hope you are all now able to relax a little and enjoy your relationships with each other.

Flaxseed, how lovely to have such a positive outcome. I do believe that sometimes we have to trust that all theoving efforts we put in when our children were younger will bear fruit. Sometimes it takes time and there will always be ups and downs but that is life. Keep the doors and the hearts and arms open. ?