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Moved away from friends and family

(24 Posts)
flamenco Tue 02-Oct-18 10:21:15

My partner of ten yours has been dionosed with lymphoma after two monts of tests.He then decided we had to move from the south of England to the far North to be near his family. The house was sold and we moved in one month to rented apartment. I have no friends no family and always said I would never move there! I hate it , so much traffic find driving awful. Feel trapped and very unhappy, but also selfish, I am beginning to really resent him. Am I being unreasonable?

Framilode Tue 02-Oct-18 11:19:21

I know how you feel. We have moved back to the UK from a life I loved in Spain to a village in an area where we knew no one.

I too felt very resentful but have eventually decided that that is going to get me nowhere. It has taken some time to get to know enough people to have the odd chat but am getting there now.. Life is not what it was but is bearable.

Give it time. I feel for you.

sodapop Tue 02-Oct-18 13:01:41

Sounds like you had no input in this decision flamenco is this why you feel resentful mainly. I think now you need to make the best of it as Framilode says and try to meet others maybe in the same boat. In future you need to ensure your voice is heard in any major decision making.

flamenco Tue 02-Oct-18 14:12:34

Thank you for reading my message. I very strongly voiced my opinion on the move but to no avail, that’s what we were doing end of story, I am very much a country person and dislike city living, how I miss the pleasant chiltern hills,

merlotgran Tue 02-Oct-18 14:23:23

Ill or not he sounds like an absolute bully. It's all very well wanting to be near his family but what about your needs?

I'm afraid I'd have shown him the door with a one way ticket to wherever it was he wanted to go. Caring for somebody has to work both ways.

Beau Tue 02-Oct-18 14:52:12

flamenco, why on earth did you move? I miss the Chilterns too but at least I have DGS to compensate for having to live in the North West 😉 (That's a joke - DD and SIL live in a beautiful part of the NW!)
But seriously I don't understand why you moved if you're not even married to this selfish man?

BlueBelle Tue 02-Oct-18 15:25:23

But he can only be a bully if Flemenco allows it merlotgran
It’s no good going along with it and then feeling resentful if he was determined to move and maybe with his illness ( you don’t say what the prognosis is) he wanted to be back near his family especially if he is terminally ill or going to go through a difficult time Why would you think he was selfish Beau if he’s just been given a horrible diagnosis and wants to be in his home area
Flamenco if you didn’t agree with the move maybe you should have stayed if you love this man too much to let him go alone then you need to accept it and make the best of it
Which is the worst scenario:- living with the man you love in an area you don’t like or staying in the area you love and parting Sometimes these big decisions are the break up of a relationship but only you can know which is the best and worst way

Situpstraight1 Tue 02-Oct-18 16:04:02

You say you are renting?
Cant you just go back home and then visit him? I’m assuming that his illness isn’t Terminal.
It’s sad that you are so unhappy and that he is sick, but you won’t be much help to him if you are miserable too.

Nonnie Tue 02-Oct-18 16:06:37

We used to move around because of DH's job so I decided I would make the best of it and look forward, not back. It worked for me so let me give you some suggestions:

1 Accept every invitation even if it is not your sort of thing, you might meet nice people.
2 Catch a bus, people always talk to me at bus stops.
3 Help someone out who needs it, you may end up as friends but, if not, you will feel good about what you have done.
4 Get involved - whatever, knit and natter, WI, U3A, gym. If you don't like it don't go again but you will never know unless you try.
5 Invite the neighbours to an 'at home'. Most will come and you might find you have lots in common with some of them.
6 Ask a neighbour for advice, people love to give it. Is there a window cleaner, where should I get my hair done etc.
7 Google what there is to do in your area, there will be something that suits you.

What's the alternative, leave him? Is that what you want? Sometimes we just have to make the best of things. I have lived in the Chilterns and loved it, now I live in a big conurbation and am determined to love it too. Every place has its good points and people in the north are usually very friendly if you give them a chance.

crazyH Tue 02-Oct-18 16:56:38

Sorry to hear about your partner's illness.....I hope the prognosis is good, but something tells me it's not, because of his wish to move closer to his family. However, you are his family now, and he should consider your wishes too.
Hope all goes well for both of you. flowers

flamenco Tue 02-Oct-18 17:11:07

Thank you everyone for all your messages and suggestions a lot of common sense spoken and some helpful advice. A big thank you to Nonnie for takeing the time to write all those helpful things. Very much appreciated

Beau Tue 02-Oct-18 21:43:52

BlueBelle, I said selfish because flamenco said she 'very strongly voiced her opinion on the move but to no avail' - if he carried on with his plans and ignored her opinion then he's selfish, in that he only thought of himself. Now flamenco feels selfish for being so unhappy - maybe I'm just heartless as I don't have much time for men at the best of times and forgot that flamenco might actually care for this man.

Nonnie Wed 03-Oct-18 11:43:22

Beau what is the point of all that? They have moved so stoking her sadness won't help, she needs to find ways of getting on with it not being given reasons to make her feel worse. Do you think you made her feel any better?

annodomini Wed 03-Oct-18 12:46:38

I have belatedly concluded that the best way to get to know people locally is to get a dog! It would have been an effort to dog-proof my garden, but I would have found like-minded souls on daily walks. 18 years ago I could have managed. Now I am too decrepit. My advice holds good though, flamenco.

Nonnie Wed 03-Oct-18 13:18:28

anno she could just walk where the dog-walkers walk and admire their furry friends. I was assaulted (nicely) by a big dog when I went to the station the other day, the person on the end of the lead loved that I liked her dog and we would have chatted it I didn't want to miss my train.

GillT57 Wed 03-Oct-18 15:01:06

Although living in a city may be a shock after the countryside, there can be good things too. Living in the country is not all lovely walks, pubs, and sunshine, sometimes it can be very isolated and lonely, and difficult to get anywhere without one's own car. Living in a city, can be noisy, possibly dirty too, but there are theatres, cinemas, restaurants, cafes, colleges offering classes for all ages......and of course, easy access to medical care. Try not to miss what you no longer have, but look around at what you do have. Pop into your library ( more likely to have one than in a village), there will be details of art groups, walking groups ( people can walk in cities too, you know!). Good luck, and I hope it works out for you.

JenniferEccles Thu 04-Oct-18 13:15:48

Your partner had absolutely no right to insist on the move.
It's such an important decision that your reluctance should have been the end of the idea surely?

Is he aware of how unhappy you are there? If so, does he feel any guilt about forcing this move upon you?

If it's a question of 'I'm all right Jack' then I think you have some serious thinking to do.

One good thing is the fact that you are renting at the moment, so that will make things easier if you decide to move back

Smileless2012 Thu 04-Oct-18 16:58:49

flamenco I'm sorry to hear about your partners illness and that you're unhappy with the move.

We moved 2 years ago, only 25 miles from our former home but it was a move Mr. S. didn't want to make. We'd spent 4 years living just 15 doors away from our estranged son and only grand children and I couldn't bare it any longer.

The house went on the market but seeing how unhappy he was about it and fearing he'd resent me if we moved, we took it off. Within weeks it was obvious to both of us that I simply couldn't stay. We talked about it and I said that as much as I love him, and I do I had to leave.

So back on the market it went and here we are, both happy and now enjoying his retirement. Despite his reservations, he loves it here. Of course, we haven't moved a far as you have so can still see friends and family but have also made some lovely new friends.

Mr. S. made a huge sacrifice for me, and you've made an even bigger one for your partner. I'll always be thankful for his and I hope your partner appreciates and is thankful for yours.

Give it time. Nonnie's made some excellent suggestions, some of which we did and they really helped us both to settle into our new homeflowers.

flamenco Sat 06-Oct-18 12:40:02

Thank you so much to you all who kindly wrote. I cannot return as the house sold . Of course as we are not married I have no rights at all.I have wanted to get married for over 8 years now. As I sold a tiny house in Spain I don’t have enough to buy anything in the south so do feel very trapped. Will have to look for some positives!

JenniferEccles Sat 06-Oct-18 17:05:02

flamenco I wouldn't be too sure that you don't have any rights because you aren't married.

Of course if you were you would be entitled to half of all the assets, but with partners, well I honestly don't know what the situation is. I would find out though if I were you.

Do you still have the money from your house in Spain, or has that been swallowed up in the move, possibly in preparation to buy up north?

So, you have wanted to get married for 8 years, but presumably your partner has refused you that security, yet he insisted you both upsticks and move, knowing full well how you felt about it.

This is not someone I would want to spend my remaining years with I'm afraid.

Patsy70 Sat 06-Oct-18 17:35:28

This is a dreadful situation for you flamenco, and I really don't think BlueBelle's comments are particularly helpful. All the positive suggestions from Nonnie and others would be worth looking into, but if you're unhappy with your partner and the move, it might be advisable to seek legal advice. You haven't said what the prognosis of his illness is.

SusanBetts Wed 10-Oct-18 18:06:24

IMO, think of the pros and cons of the situation. Ask why you needed to move and talk to him and see if you can have an agreement which should be both beneficial for you.

lemongrove Wed 10-Oct-18 21:47:27

I think as a long term partner you do have legal rights flamenco but it isn’t something you should leave to chance, seriously, ask a solicitor for advice.
Is your partner thinking of buying a home there or just renting for a while?
Where are your wishes in all this?

Luckylegs9 Thu 11-Oct-18 08:02:02

Flamenco. As I understand it, you have made all the sacrifices in this relationship. It seems you had no real input with this move, yet your partner does not want marriage, but will no doubt if things get bad, expect you to be his carer. Take a step back and look at the situation you are in, do what is best for you, whilst you can. How does he show concern and love for you, does he know how you feel having no security in this relationship