Son and Daughter-in-law just moved far away - feeling sad

I can imagine your sadness. My 3 children and their families live near me.
You still have your daughter and family nearby. FaceTime and Skype are such a boon. You almost feel they are in the next room.
I moved thousands of miles away from my mother, to make a better life fir ourselves and I'm sure it broke her heart.
But she knew it was for the best. She came over to see us,
and we went over to visit her. Those days there was no Skype or FT, only phone calls.
Think of all the lovely holidays you can have in the US. With flights so frequent and so cheap, the world is shrinking. Don't be too sad Philippa.

So sorry to read this - yes it's everyone's "worst case scenario" isn't it. I had a scare a few months ago when my SIL was offered a plum job 1,000km away from us. I was devastated to think of my precious grandchildren growing up and not remembering me. Thankfully my DD talked him out of accepting the job - but next time I may not be so lucky.

I know we don't have our children to keep them near us.....but it still hurts when they fly away.

Thinking of you and sending you best wishes.

That is truly "flying the nest"! - but as others have said the world is now a much smaller place thanks to electronic communications. Wishing you luck in adapting to this new scenario - make sure you get all your techno gear ( and your techno brain!) up to scratch so that you can share in their new life as much as possible. Kiss them goodbye and wish them well and put a brave face on it - I am sure you will.

My oldest son moved 8,000 miles away to the US some fifteen years ago, when he married an American girl. It was hard, especially as our youngest child was only 6yo when her brother went to live on the other side of the world, but as we ourselves were moving to a Third World country at the same time, we were very busy and I had to get on with it.

We didn't have Skype or FaceTime then and that has made a difference since its introduction plus when we do exchange visit ps, we see each other for two or three weeks at a time, which is lovely.

I think now I have accepted it all but my biggest concern is the gun situation in America. I have to not think about that because otherwise my blood runs cold.

I sorry your so sad, but on the up side you’ve raised your children to be confident and self reliant, and this is them doing what confident and self reliant people do. Be happy and congratulate yourself on a job well done.i know it’s sad for you but so was their first day at school, and the day they got married. The sadness will pass and probably return another day but you won’t always be sad. Your be their mum for always it’s a bond that can never be broken. Be kind to yourself now my dear . Hope your smiling again soon.

We live in Canada and Hubby's family is in the UK. My kid still knows her grandparents. Skype and phone calls have helped, and we try to go every few years to see them.

I have two kids, both married and with two little ones of their own. One moved to Australia, so I understand your feelings, @Philippa60 ! Like you, I can understand all the plus points of moving overseas. This general feeling became much more real once I'd made my first trip out to visit - having seen their home, met their friends, been to their favourite beaches/restaurants etc I could relate much better to their life.

I personally feel that when there's a travel plan in place (whether me to them or them to me), the separation is much less difficult. When I feel a bit tearful I tell myself that I'm very fortunate to have one offspring in the UK and the other in a wonderful place to visit - the best of both worlds (and sometimes this helps).

I’m the one planning to move away from my grandchildren but I’ve been here for them for ten years. Sometimes moving away is what you have to do for yourself. My worry, and for you too, is how getting older and maybe less inclined to travel, will affect things.

My son has lived in Canada for almost 16 years. He moved there when he married his Canadian wife. It was really hard when he first left. Skype and Facetime was around then, so it was phone calls. But we have kept in touch with no problems.
Last year they had a baby, and we speak on Skype each week and still have a close relationship. My grandchild knows who I am and gets excited when we speak.
They visit they UK at least once a year, and I try to get to Canada when I can afford it.

Just because they live away doesn't mean the end of your relationship. To be honest I see more of my son from Canada than I do with one of mine that lives in the UK.

I think a lot of us have that vision of our family unit continuing indefinitely, extended maybe but still a unit.

Do you watch Star Trek? I had this idea of us as the Borg, where I would always be One of Five and then maybe Seven of Nine or whatever

Of course it rarely works like that. For a start my children would have had to marry people from our home town. Otherwise my family close to me would have meant somebody else’s family away from them.

In the event it didn’t work like that at all and I had to learn to be One of One.

It’s Ok to be sad right now but I hope that in time you will be able to let go of the dream and find happiness in the reality. It is the longing for our unfulfilled dreams that keeps us unhappy.

as you say this is a common issue.its nothing new, apart from tribal societies people have moved away. its the being left that is so painful usually for the one left, but the leavers can also be affected. you can visit them, they can visit you, or can you join them. there is a lot of talk of setting them free but I disagree with that-home is where the heart is. its been of the most painful experiences of my life a mixture of sadness, anger,i thought when I got past 60 life would be easier and I could look forward to my grandchildren! life laughs at you at times

We did this the other way around : our children live in Herts and we live in France. We Skype with the DGC each and every Sunday morning and visit the UK when our DIL allows [thereby hangs another tale but we wont go into that]. This way we keep in touch and sometimes visit us during the summer months during school holidays.

I can sympathise entirely. One of mine ( with 3 dgc) is in Brunei atm. Has lived all over the world due to job. I save like crazy & visit when I can. Another has just moved to the other side of London- from living just 20 minutes away.... I do miss them so much. We try to get together often & on family occasions we Skype the family abroad so they are still part of the celebration. Not ideal but better than in the past without technology.

I think it’s absolutely ok for you to feel sad Philippa. But the main thing is that your DS is happy in his new life. You’ll still be part of their lives and will maybe even be more involved, as somebody else has said. I have no experience of this (my DS and family live five hours drive away and DD only five minutes) but I know I would give anything for my DD to be happy and settled with a loving partner even if it meant being on the other side of the world ... I hope you continue to have a close and loving relationship, I’m sure you will.

Dear Philippa60, you have my sympathy. As I've posted here before, our son (only child) and Dil, have lived on the west coast of the USA for past 22 years. They are now U.S. citizens and have two children. We've been lucky enough to visit annually and to know our DGC. It's not always easy, but I remind myself that they are all successful, healthy, and happy. And that's what really matters. As has been said before, our children don't belong to us - they are "lent" to us for while and then must find their own way in the world. Hard for us, but true! As has been suggested here, if you can start planning a trip, then that should help you to focus on something positive. Modern technology is also a real boon in maintaining contact. Good luck!

Thank you lovely people for your kind and empathetic comments, it really helps....
I have indeed booked a quick trip over to visit them in a couple of months and it really does help. They have also been very communicative so far with lots of wattsapp messages. We are hoping to Skype this evening for the first time.
All in all I definitely count my blessings and at the same time allow myself to be a little sad...
Thank you all!
Phil

I do sympathise and perhaps our experience will help. I can still remember the call from my daughter to say she had got a four year assignment in the Caribbean and the sinking feeling I had. I was shell shocked! DH said we should see it as an adventure for us too so before the family left we had booked our first flight and between us visited them four times a year throughout their stay. We loved our trips out there and our grandchildren loved to see us which has lead to a very strong bond. Although they are back in the UK I don't think we spend the quality time with them that we did when they were out in Barbados, possibly because the children are t school. If you can grasp the opportunities this presents.

Skype is a blessing ! Our son & DIL (no kids) have lived in US for over 20 yrs-our 2 daughters & 4 grandkids are only 10 mins away here in Spain---BUT we go over to US to see son, and that is called Quality Time, as we are treated so well, and they look after us, and take us on tour, cook nice meals for us- so you'll have that to look forward to. As everyone else has said---as long as they're Happy Healthy, and loving their lives, then you've done a great job! Now, as my son says, "its our turn to treat you".

I can really understand how you feel. It’s like a state of mourning which will ease and will become the notm. My middle daughter moved to London 10 years ago,, I felt so upset at the time, the way I felt it may as well have been the other side of the world. I do see her once or twice a year but still cry when she and her family go back home. Do make sure you keep in touch with your son on a regular basis, through us both having busy lives our communication has dropped off a bit and I do regret this, but as long as I know she’s happy I’m happy.

Phillipa 60.Many GN's have this to go through but pleeeese! who has informed you of this distance and what part of the U. S is eight thousand miles from the UK.? Having relatives who have lived in various U.S states, I have never come across this distance. It is preferable to get a direct flight, unless it is to some remote location, where it necessitates additional flights. and direct flights can be more expensive but worth having to get getting on and off and sitting around for your connection which can be delayed or add hours to your journey. Think of your children who will be looking forward to their new life not how you feel as I am sure they will miss you as much as you will miss them.

Hawaii?

Phillipa60. My mistake and apologise as it was not yourself who stated the U.S was an 8000 mile journey.
It can be however if you want to detour and make it a long distance sight seeing holiday which I am sure will not be the case but for you to spend as much time with your family as possible.

Count your blessings

I agree with notnecessarilywiser , you are really happy for them but almost grieving for what you will miss out on. We try to see our DS and family about every 18 months/2 years alternating them coming here or us going there. We are by no means rich but it must be a lot harder if cost is a factor to travelling to the other side of the world. When we visit them in Australia I call it ‘speed grandparenting’. We have 4/5 weeks to be proper grandparents so do all the everyday things like taking them to nursery, the park, the beach, bedtime, stories etc. Then you have lovely memories. I would recommend having your own accommodation so they can come to visit you as well, although 3 yr old DGS was confused as to where our cat and fish tank were, which he sees on Skype. Just try to be happy for them and if you can afford it, visit and always have the next get together planned before you leave. Hope all the tips on here help - I for one really feel for you, even if grandchildren are not involved, to have one of your own children so far away is not easy x