Son and Daughter-in-law just moved far away - feeling sad

I loved all the views posted here but can't agree more with the people who can't help but cry
True they are lent to us for sometime then must go find their way in the world
It would help greatly to not have a hostile Dil because of her mental illness
Just luck I suppose

If feel fo

I moved to Spain just at first daughter had first grandchild. I came back lots to visit. One reason for Spain was how easy it is to fly back, the other the climate. But after two years I found I was coming back often, missed them and the situation changed in 2008 so I moved back. I am glad I did. I wish I hadn't bough the Spanish flat though, just rented!

My sister moved to US 25 years ago. We message every few days phone at weekends, it was hard for my Mum at first but you will get used to it. It is so quick to get to US now think of her as being hours away not miles. We were in US quicker by plane than it took us to drive up to Scotland.

Sorry I feel for you my sister has gone through this as her inky daughter has gone to Australia taking her only family (apart from us) with her. She keeps in touch through Skype and visits when she can.my family are here and we don't see much of them due to work commitments and time issues. But we feel it's time to downsize and cut work hours if we can in the next couple of years. Good luck keep busy and I'm sending you hugs. X

I think it was me who mentioned 8,000 miles. My son has now moved from Ca to another part of the US and I had a brain f*rt, adding the two distances to each other (5,000 + 3,000) instead of doing a subtraction sum. Apologies for the confusion!

Ironically, although he is physically closer, their new town is in a less accessible area and the journey now involves three flights and takes just as long as going to California.

I feel for you Philippa60. My DS and DiL live 4,706 miles away and have been there 18 years. They have a lovely life and the country fits them and my GS like a glove! I’m always very positive and would never let them know my true feelings and how much I miss them. I’ve never really got on with Skype. To me, it’s like asking family over and they stay sitting in their car on your drive as you talk through the window! Of course you will get used to the situation and enjoy lovely holidays and visits hopefully. Unfortunately the negativity sets in if there is illness and your horizons are restricted. It can be a real test of character. xx

All, thanks so much for sharing your own experiences and advice. It really isn't the practical side that is troubling me as much as the emotional. Luckily we can afford to visit them on a regular basis and I guess they will visit here too.
And of course it's wonderful that they are self confident and successful young adults who are able to do this.
I have always been more of a pessimist than an optimist so I think it is just because this is so new (not even a week since they left) that I wallowing in self pity a bit....
I have 2 close girlfriends who each lost an adult child to cancer in the last few years so I absolutely know that I am incredibly lucky in my situation.
All of your suggestions have really helped.
Let me just share something I read in a book recently which resonated strongly for me:
"We are good parents not so they will be loving enough to stay with us, but so they will be strong enough to leave us".
That really helps ground me in the positive side of this...
Hugs, Phil

Lovely quote there, Phil - I seem to have something in my eye!

I joined the army when I was 17, married a soldier and spent the next twenty years living wherever he was posted. We settled in Liverpool when my husband left the army in 1990.

Now two of my four children live hundreds of miles from us. The eldest has lived near Glasgow for over 25 years. His younger brother is believed to be somewhere in the London area. He decided to cut himself off from the entire family 12 years ago.

Youngest son is on the other side of Liverpool to us and we see him and DiL regularly. Only daughter is still at home, but looking to buy her own house soon.

Love the quote Philippa. Our son left to live in the US ten years ago and I was bereft. I wanted so hard to believe it was a real positive, which I did with my logical thinking hat on, but emotionally I was a wreck and it actually hurt inside when I would walk into his old room and see his things. He doesnt phone or Skype so we make do with a weekly e-mail which has no details about anything except work. I find this very hard, although he does have a wonderful career. He isnt married and I have no idea if there is a partner in his life. For years I would hope he might come back, but he now has his Green Card and I think I have finally accepted he wont and that this is his choice and - hopefully - what is making him happy. Luckily daughter and family live an hour away.

At one time it was nothing for me to hop on a plane to Oz to visit D,SIL and GC,in fact over the years I went on 5 visits which during these times my GC had got to know me. Sadly now my health won't allow long-haul which besides, the insurance would equal the fare. However I'm so glad that I went when I did instead of waiting until I'd retired which was when everything began to creak. One GS visited the UK this year while attending a wedding and I learned not long ago that D and SIL will be here in June next year so that breaks things up nicely.
How I'll be when they return remains to be seen as I'll have that tinge that it could be the last time I see them which makes me feel ill every time I think about it and made worse as I'm from the " stiff-upper lip " brigade. It's horrible as you get older !

As a mum, the ties, the bonds you have with your children can never lessen or be broken and that's the miracle. No matter what they do, no matter what they say or how far they fall from grace, your thoughts and love are with them forever.

You have to keep in mind, when the distance is feeling huge, that your DS could live close and not communicate. I know a friend who has family an hour away but who only see them once a year and rarely speak. It is the closeness of the relationship that will maintain a loving bond nothibg to do with the miles between

Very good point, PECS. In fact DS did live abroad once before for a year and we all laughed that we talked much more frequently during that year than when he lived 30 minutes away. Hugs are more difficult though!
Phil60

My daughter went to live in the US about 10 years ago, my word it was difficult to start with, really felt like a bereavement. We were lucky in that she had to travel back to the UK frequently for her work at first, now it’s only once or twice a year but I try to go over every year as well, and you do get used to it. The really hard thing was when she and her husband separated then divorced- I wanted to physically be there for her as it was so hard, but we had very long, tearful conversations and somehow got through it. My worry is about when I get older (69 now) and am no longer happy to fly. I really do feel for you though Philippa, but it does get easier, and as others have said it’s lovely to be able to go and visit and have real quality time.

Our youngest son emigrated to NZ 5 years ago when his wife was pregnant with their first child. It broke our hearts but we did our best not to let them know that - it was hard enough when our eldest moved 2 hours away 10 years ago with our 2 GDs. We do try to FaceTime them every couple of weeks but with the time difference, 2 small children and their work commitments it's difficult to co-ordinate. We have visited once and they were here for Christmas last year. There are no easy solutions unfortunately and as others have said you just learn to live with the separation. We just have to believe the children are having a much better life over there with their maternal grandparents and cousins than they would have over here.

Philippa, your post could have been from me 8 years ago when our youngest son and his family moved to the States. We were, like you, upset to lose close contact but DS said they wanted us to visit them as often as possible and for us to appreciate that this would be for longer (2 or 3 weeks) at a stretch whereas if they'd stayed in the UK, we used to see them maybe for weekends.
We were able ourselves to contrast their situation with our own nearly 50 years ago now, when we left the north of England to live in the south. No FT then, no Skype, no emails, we didn't even have a phone.
Now we FT, WhatsApp and email them but as others have said, having the next visit planned helps enormously.
Like Reader54, we're trying to help with his divorce situation now, it's messy, I want to wave a wand as mothers always do, lots of phone calls, FaceTime, messages, emails are helping.
Philippa, what helped us hugely was the very first visit when we became part of their life, taking the children to school, going grocery shopping, out for casual meals, out for coffee, to the park, etc. When we came back and then had phone calls, etc., we could visualise where they were. Plan your next visit and come on here and share your distress but remember (as I'm sure you will) that it's a fabulous opportunity for them - and for you to see a bit more of the world. Hugs.

Thank you, Jessity and everyone for the warm words and very helpful advice! I am feeling better already :-)
So far DS and DIL are being wonderful in updating us constantly on their first days there, and we love getting their wattsapp messages. We also had our first video call with them on Sunday afternoon and it was so good to chat and see them looking happy.....
Hugs, everyone, and thanks again

Jessity that's very true about joining in their everyday lives. We've got to know the people working in our ds's grocery store so they say things like 'Oh, you're visiting again? How long at you staying for?' and the people in their local coffee shops remember us. Americans love to chat to Brits!

SueDonim and they ask you to keep talking because “I l-a-a-ve your ACCent”. You oblige while bemusedly thinking that they are the ones with the accent. Daft or what?

Hahaha, yes! Last time we visited our son I was able to give directions to a couple in a camper van who were lost. They were very grateful and as they drove off the woman stuck her head out of the window and yelled, 'Hey, thanks, and I just wanna say, we love your Queen.'

People in North America tend to be rather partial to British accents. I live in Canada and Hubby is a British ex-pat. The first time my boss called our house after we married he answered the phone. The first thing she said to me was "OMG I just love his accent!"