Mean Daughter-in-law

Sadly it’s a no win situation for you - if you mention it to your son he’s sure to take her side which will then cause more upset.
Continue being you- treating both children the same. Hopefully she will eventually realise she is in the wrong and will change.
Good luck.

You don't say how old the son is. Is it possible she is suffering from post natal depression which can cause problems for a long time if not treated? Is it that she thinks that her child should be favoured or does she perceive differences? I remember getting extremely up set when my stepchildren got £50 each for Christmas from MIL and our son got a much lesser present. I asked my husband to ask why and she explained to him that it was what she used to give them when they were younger. I hadn't thought about it like that and she hadn't thought about the way it looked to me.

Sons are duty bound to agree with wives for a quiet life and also in their striving to be independent adults breaking away from parents. Tread on eggshells! Xx

Say nothing to your son, ever. In a way you would be asking him to take sides. He needs to put his marriage and children first, so let him by saying nothing.

By saying something you can only cause division and the person in the end most likely to suffer from that is you.

Been there, actually am there, keeping it zipped.

MamaCaz is surely right - but don't forget you have a relationship with your granddaughter of 11 years - and plenty of shared history. So does your son. At 11 they have ideas and opinions, needs and wants very different to a toddler so maybe a lot of discussion about her goes on. And maybe your son feels the need to talk about her a lot at home - he may even feel he is "sharing" and being open and honest...
It's natural that the newer mother feels insecure and protective of her own child - who to her will no doubt be the centre of her world. And whilst 33 isn't young, it seems to me that if she's a relatively new mum it's all still very daunting, tagging on to an established family. She may well feel her child is competing for attention (and maybe she feels SHE has to too).

Be gentle on her, I'd say. Try to see her more through your son's eyes and ignore the nastiness. Texts can always be read in different ways too. Try, in future, read them with a smile on your face and in a positive way - with luck you might see something less awful, and in time draw closer to her.

Good luck GrandmaFaye.

I nearly had this with my DiL and it stems from insecurity. I realised I had to go more than half way mainly for the sake of my son and grandchildren. I flattered her, told her her children are adorable, told her what a good mother she is etc. Actually I wasn't lying as she is all those things. She being his second wife probably feels very insecure.

Don't whatever you do show the texts to your son. It puts him in a very difficult decision and quite rightly he will take his wife's side. This could lead to estrangement. Bide your time - things may improve with time but you could so easily make it worse!

Don't stir up trouble - what can telling your son achieve? She sounds really insecure, but she can't expect you to drop contact with your grand-daughter to reassure her. Whatever her problem is, it's not your problem. Just carry on being the lovely grannie that I'm sure you are.

Yep, endorse what the majority are saying here. Be a loving grandmother to both, ignore the texts and definitely don’t involve your son, you will only lose out. Good luck x

Keep your enemies close - and your friends closer.

Your son must already be aware of the friction between you and your DiL . Make sure he knows that he , his wife and their family are always welcome - and that you want to see more of them. And don't just say it once - keep saying it. By spending more time together and avoiding confrontation things ie the dynamics may change for the better. Try to arrange to meet and do things together - have some fun with them so you can stop dreading their visits . I would be surprised if the texts don't decrease - or become slightly less vitriolic - but don't expect them to stop completely.

Of course - the more usual version is " keep your friends close - and your enemies closer " - but your DiL is not your enemy.

I would be very inclined to talk to dil when she's on her own and just say pleasantly that you wish she would stop sending unpleasant texts to you otherwise you're just going to have to delete future ones without reading.
HOWEVER I also realise the best thing to do is to try and rise above it and be the better person as so many others have suggested. I should keep all the unpleasant texts - just in case.

Hello,
She knows because my son has custody of his daughter and she lives with my son and his hateful wife.
Thx
Faye

My son has known she has done such in the past but I am not sure if he knows this time or not

Lots of good advice here. Could it be that the real problem - or part of it - is the relationship you have with your ex-DIL? She may be feeling jealous or insecure.

Hello CarolMary,

My son has custody of my granddaughter and she lives with my son and the wife.
As far as asking her for lunch it would be very unwise on my part to meet her alone without witnesses to the conversation.

She has a tendency to lie as well and I would be afraid of what she wotell my son that was “Never” said.
Thank you
Faye

My son is 33 years old as well as she. It’s not postpartum because my grandson is 8 years old.

This has gone on for years!
She expects my sons entire family to favor their son over my sons daughter

The family basically ignores her in an effort to get along. She is extremely selfish and childish.

Please don't show the texts to your son, it may cause bigger problems, what if he sided with his wife (which, however unreasonable, a husband should do) you could end up seeing little of both grandchildren.

I am not sure if I am responding correctly so that it shows to your comment. I am new to the site and learning. Thanks to everyone for the good advice. I do agree that it is best to ignore the messages although I have printed them off and have them put away in case I should need them later on.

I worry that you call her his 'hated' wife. She must have some good points and presumably your son loves her. Try to seek out her good points - everybody has some.

Insecure woman to say the least. The woman feels threatened because your son's previous relationship and anxious that her son should not be valued. Just try and show how much you do value both children. I do believe though that she should appreciate the family she has married into and not be so rude and crass towards her husband's mother. She has a problem and too immature and anxious to recognise it. Good Luck. Hope she grows in maturity and self-confidence.

Ok, so it isn't PND. Are you sure that she doesn't see your dislike of her reflected in the way she perceives you treat her son?
In what way are the messages unpleasant, GrandmaFaye? Are they abusive in language or are they just blunt about her feelings? What is it she expects you to do differently?

I am so lucky with my 2x DIL, I adore them both, so my heart goes out to you, as you seem to be in a no win situation. Me being me I couldn’t ignore it but of course by responding it could go either way. Personally I would respond to her text on the lines of “ please do not ask me to choose between my grandchildren as I love them all the same”. I would also bite the bullet by asking why you can’t be friends, saying how important it is for children to grow up with love and harmony from all the family. Good luck with whatever you decide, but as others have said, so keep those texts, just in case, and you will have your proof that you have offered the olive branch. Good luck ....

Some people don't have any good points at all. The deeper you dog the nastier they are revealed to be.
A word of warning, a member of staff where I managed rose above and ignored her daughter in law. This incensed the girl further because she wanted trouble. The girl broke into staff members house, knocked her to the floor, punching and pulling her hair. In front of several grandchildren.
Good points? Not any.

I personally would keep quiet and carry on as you have been.
We had something similar with our eldest son's wife and his daughter from a previous relationship,his wife went out of her way to encourage visits from my DGD but when she realised how close a relationship they had she thought of all sorts of reasons for my DS and his daughter not to see each other she told lies about my DGD and my son believed them unfortunatly.
They now have a child of their own my DGDs step-sister but my DGD has never been invited to meet her as my DIL insists she no longer wants contact with her,I'm convinced its jealousy but am keeping quiet as to what I think about her actions as she would love to cause friction between my son and myself and that just will not happen.
I hope things improve for you

I didn’t refer to her as Hated. May have been typo.... I referred to her as hateful. Hateful is “full of hate” and that description fits her to a tee. She is very hateful. Actually not only to me but to anyone who doesn’t agree with her and allow her to have her way.