Mean Daughter-in-law

I agree it is a small price to pay but it is so sad to have to live like that. You never know what will cause someone like that to explode. I think sometimes it is a “control “ issue. I wish you well

I would gladly raise my granddaughter but my son would never agree to that. There aren’t any Grandparents rights in the state I live in so I doyhave a leg to stand on

Please be very careful about calling Social Services. From experience I can tell you that they do give enough information to the parent to identify you. My sister did this to my daughter and it has torn the family apart. You would probably find that all access was stopped to the children.

I agree with you about calling Social Services. That would be a last resort.

I agree with travelsafar. I am in exactly the same position. DIL fell out with me after I expressed concern over a comment that she made to my GD. Result? She has not spoken to me since and has stopped me from seeing my grandchildren. Son in the middle, although they have since separated. As Saggi says, quite rightly, children should not be used as pawns in these situations. They did not ask to be brought into the world. We are supposed to be the responsible ones and their role models.

I agree. So many use the kids as bargaining chips not caring the damage they are doing.

Dear GrandmaFaye,
I was that child over sixty years ago. Don’t fall out with your daughter in law, stay in their lives, probably better if you can have the children spend time with you in your house if that can be managed naturally and without increasing the aggravation. This will provide respite for your GD as well as letting you enjoy both of them singly or together away from the tension which must be existing when you are in your DiL company.
You might very well find as she gets older your GD May take the decision into her own hands and decamp to your house permanently. If the adults can stay civil this can work. Best wishes to both you and your GD

Give your GD a BIG cuddle. As a family, we are not big cuddlers, (perhaps it's a culture thing as well) but when I see someone needs it, I rush to give them a warm hug and a cuddle. Right now, your lovely little GD needs plenty of them......give her all the love you can. ?

Petersgirl2, Bless you ! Thank you so much for the response. It means so much to me to read a post from someone who “survived” this as a child.

I plan to do everything I can to remain close to my gd and let her know that I cherish her.

You are certainly right. She needs all the love she can get. She is a beautiful child with the heart to match

I would be more concerned about how she is towards your granddaughter rather than the texts.

She wants you to react and lose your patience she will then show your son some of the texts and make it look like it’s your fault.
I know my late sons partner was evil and cruel and wicked and in the and killed my son (domestic abuse) she thought she was clever but she didn’t get away with anything in the end. I believe in karma what goes around comes around.

I am more concerned about my granddaughter

Sheliasue,
I am so very sorry you lost your son. That is so heartbreaking.
I agree that we reap what we sew and this will come back to haunt her one day

Hi there I have a narcissist for an ex daughter in law , we had 19 years of hell 2 granddaughters who my son and I raised as she was living the single life .my advice is don't lower yourself to her level . Do what's right for the children . This is very hard . If you say anything it will always be misconstrued . I think we should start a mother in law support group

A mil support group is a great idea !

Good idea !

Sorry to hear about your son Sheilasue

I would appreciate a MIL support group too! I picked up a tad of resentment since the day DIL met my son. There is no competition in my eyes, we just both love my eldest son and I was so happy he had found the right one for him.

Over the years she has managed to squeeze me out of the family and now has my son to herself who doesn't like the situation, says he knows why she is like she is and wants a quiet life. I've been supportive to her, not interfered but helped all I can with the GS's...only when called for.

However she has a bad relationship with her mother, her father lives a long way away with his new wife, she falls out with her sister regularly, always takes the mick out of my other son [who has done nothing] and is jealous of my other DIL who is great [has no issues].

So I think it's in her personality, she feels the world is against her. It isn't, but she pushes people away. And has been very hurtful to me. I'm waiting for an apology which will not happen, as she has made clear.

I would agree with other posters that in this situation to keep quiet, love your GD as much as you can, keep texts for future reference and not bite when provoked. I hope it works out. GD has a mind of her own and may very well end up living with you OP when she is older. I've heard of many situations where this is the outcome.

I pray as soon as my gd is old enough to make her own decisions she will indeed decide to live with me. I will do the very best I can to care for her and try to make up for all the junk she has been exposed to.

As the little girl is only 11 years old I'm presuming your son sees her, and she goes to his house. I wouldn't say anything for the time being, but hold onto the texts...just in case the situation becomes worse and you do have to involve your son. Your grandchildren and you seeing them is the most important thing x

Hello, My son has custody of my gd. She lives with him and her stepmom full-time.

What worries me is most of the replies here seem to endorse this DiL's behaviour as a kind of 'status quo'... it's how women are... there's nothing to be done about it etc, as if ultimately women have the right to behave like this as a last (and sometimes first?) resort. ...And of course we all know there's no point in challenging it...Why not? Because you know it works? Is there pethaps a tacit concensus that since this is women's only (?) power it's sacrosanct? (and by implication it's up to us to make sure she doesn't use it and it's our fault if she does?)

Oh dear. The DiL's behaviour
is BULLYING. Passive aggressive bullying. And that's not to be challenged ? Why not?

Everyone cautions 'you'll only make it worse'. We've got to be frightened the bully will up their game.

Unless of course the bully is stood up to. In which case:

~ the grandchildren will be protected from it
~ the bully herself will feel better because the worst of her will have been contained - how do we think she feels flailing around in her malevolent insecurity? - and therefore
~ everybody would feel safer.

Otherwise you're modelling cowardice.

You do make a good point and I do understand what you are saying. She is a bully. She is a poor excuse for a human being as far as I am concerned. She tries to control everyone she comes in contact with. Her behavior is WRONG!

However, I think the general consensus is that she will keep my grandchildren from me if I say anything (and she will because she has done it before). I am far from being a coward.

When my grandchildren are old enough to make the decision themselves as to if they want to have me in their life I can promise that this behavior will no longer be tolerated from her.

Count me in in the mil support group.