Should we believe him?

jocarter spot on!!

Please please always believe the child and look into this. If he is being dishonest then he’s crying for help and is unhappy. If it’s true then something must be done about it. Children do tell fibs about the parents new partners/ friends but there is a massive chance that he isn’t

What Quickdraw said ...... 100% agree

I feel concerned that anybody thinks there should be physical proof i.e. bruising before the child is believed.

Always believe the child. Why would you not believe him? If she is hurting him it should not be allowed to continue. What is she going to do next? The boy will think there is no point in telling anybody if nothing is done. This is how abusers get away with it. Is it possible his dad could see him somewhere else where this woman is not around?

The two parents should be discussing this , not anybody else at this moment. Find out what happened and then the father can approach his new partner about it.

I have to say though, sometimes when I'm at the hairdresser she gives my scalp a massage and it feels as if she is "digging her fingernails into my scalp". Not saying the child is making it up, but maybe what he felt was not malicious but just her scratching / rubbing his scalp, especially if she has very long nails as some girls do. Just a thought.

You can never tell with children, he may be speaking the truth or he may not. In any event he's not happy and something needs doing to help him. I should speak to SIL first and explain what you've been told stressing that even if untrue GS needs help and see what he thinks should be done next., then take it from there together.

Very many thanks for all your advice ladies. I will take everything on board and go from there. Thank you all very much.

OP has said that the boy has told his mother of verbal abuse over 3 years and the digging the nails in the head.
The boy has also told his father that "Wendy" has kicked out at his leg.
If I read correctly the father brought this up with the mother when returning the child.
So the boy has told both parents!
The mother and father need to get together and discuss what their Dc has told them, then the father needs to broach the subject with "Wendy" to make her aware.
Of course she is going to deny it but she will be aware that the child is telling his parents and should stop her odd behaviour.
You say that you are worried that "Wendy" could escalate her bad behaviour if she is confronted.
I have related this post to my Dd who is a Health Visitor, she says that if you have ANY concerns at all regarding your son's safety with this woman, you must not trust her with his care.
She said this, quite firmly.

This

It’s not difficult or tricky - Get it sorted - the child is unhappy - talk to all of them - expose it all to the light - ASAP

Professional advice is needed. There are helplines who will advise on these circumstances and they would not 'rush in' as they are used to dealing with these ' did it really happen situations' but at the same time they will not dismiss the fact that 'abuse' is or may not be taking place and it will be logged and DD given a visit for more details.

If I were the boy's mother, I would have a quiet word with my ex. using as my starting point that their son has, when younger, exaggerated things or even told fibs. This is after all very common in children until about his age. Therefore his mother is wondering what actually happened and whether the boy is exaggerating some minor incident.

By starting the conversation in that way, I would hope the boy's father wouldn't immediately feel he has to defend his wife.

A child of eight is old enough to be taught not to exaggerate things but to report them as they happened and not to tell fibs. His mother should try to teach him to report events accurately, by asking him to tell her about things that she can check. He should too be old enough now to distinguish between the truth and a fib.

If on the other hand his father's new wife is being unkind to him, and telling him that Daddy doesn't love him is certainly mental abuse, the situation has to be addressed. No child should be physically or mentally abused, as we all doubtless agree. If "Wendy" is so insecure or unstable that she is doing what the child says she is, then a responsible adult should be present whenever his father is not there, or the boy should not visit the home, but spend time with his father in some other place.

These situations must be common given there are so many composite families nowadays.
Nurseries, I'm told, have cctv to monitor the behaviour of carers and of children.

I think I wouldn't ignore the child but don't treat the incident as a mortal sin rather just let it be known that you are aware.
I'm thinking back to when my own DC drove me to distraction on occasion and I can vividly remember an older neighbour intervening when I was shouting at one by reminding me he was just a child!! Oh the shame.

When my stepson was 8 he would tell my husband when visiting us that his mothers new partner would pretend to play rough and tumble with him but deliberately hurt him. When these accusations were investigated they were found to be untrue.
After happy visits with us where he got on very well with me and was always well behaved, even though he told me that his mother had told him I was an idiot and not to do anything I told him, (I explained that sometimes I might see a danger that he did not and so it might be better to listen to me), he would go home and allegedly tell his mother that I was cruel to him and would often lock him in a bedroom! I did not I can assure you.
As the everlasting divorce and access arrangements had been acrimonious with the ex-wife "weaponising" the poor child and telling him all sorts of vile lies about his dad, I rather thought he was telling her what he thought she wanted to hear and whilst we never said anything detrimental about his mother he was doing the same with his father.

She needs sorting, cruelty. bullying, abuse call it what you will it is absolutely unacceptable.

I would concur with other replies and say to get your DD to keep a note of any 'abuse' your DGS reports and to check for any signs of bruising etc. As your ex SIL is aware of what DGS has already said hopefully he will be keeping a watch on the situation too.

Grandma2213 a similar incident occurred when my Grandsons were around 5yrs and 3 yrs old. The 5yr old was being rude and hitting his brother in the car. I took him out, he fought me so I just held him firmly until he calmed down.
Two days later a social worker called, a neighbour had reported that my grandson was "attacking me"!
A brief visit and a short chat over coffee with both boys playing happily, and nothing further was done, thankfully.
As to the original post, I think keeping a record, date, time, what occurred and what was said, by both you GC and DD, as well as any bruises, should be kept just as a safeguard. Maybe you DD should have a word with your SiL if this continues.

Very tricky situation. How is your GS feeling about the whole situation?If he does not want to go that offers a message that it really is either emotionally or physically not working for him. Your DD could act by pressing pause on visits until there is some clarity.

Hopefully your DD has a good enough relationship to discuss this with ex SIL rationally, as he mentioned the kick. Initially GS should def be believed as to do otherwise could cause numerous issues to him. Even if it wasn’t true it would prove that GS is unhappy with something. Is GS able to speak to his Dad about all the issues with his mum there ? Maybe GS spending one to one time with his Dad for a while would help. If it’s all true it’s a physical assault on a child, which Wendy could be prosecuted for. Good luck ..

Such a difficult situation. I can only use my own experience with my DGC. They spend a lot of time with me and so 'situations' sometimes arise! One DGD is a particularly difficult child and has always been prone to temper tantrums and mood changes. I remember on one occasion (aged about 7) she started throwing things at her sister in temper and I took hold of her to remove her from the situation. She was kicking me, biting and screaming and her long hair became entangled in my hand. She then accused me of pulling her hair and child abuse and she would tell her Mummy. I think this was her perception of what was happening but it did scare me somewhat. This was her version of the truth as she saw it.

When she has calmed down after these incidents we always have a cuddle and a low key chat about and I always tell her how much I love her even though I don't like that particular behaviour. However it has always worried me how it would look if she did share her version of the truth.

I would always believe a child who reported these things but my own experiences tell me that there is more than one version of every story and nothing is as simple as it seems. Nevertheless it is vitally important that children are protected so reported incidents should be investigated and discussed at least, initially, within the family.

This situation has been stuck in my head all day and I've had a couple of other thoughts.

I know it's a horrible thought but could there be a chance that your SIL is responsible, not 'Wendy'. I only ask because I work with children and in a recent safeguarding training we were discussing how children don't always report the actual abuser in a situation, especially when it's a parent (or other close family member) and when the children are younger. Often children project onto someone else as they are scared of reporting their parent and obviously they are quite conflicted as they love their parent. Not wanting to plant doubts in your mind about your SIL, but if the abuse was reported then a line of investigation as to whether 'wendy' was responsible or another family member.

Secondly, although the incidents are quite minor at the moment (obviously not to you or your GS, but compared to a lot of situations) it is probably best that your daughter (or any of you) doesn't question her son too much as if it ever does escalate and end up being reported you could be perceived as putting ideas into his head. Even your daughter checking to see whether he was exaggerating I bet she smacks you too doesn't she could be seen as planting ideas, especially given that it is your SIL that has moved on first. It's probably a good idea for your daughter to keep a note of dates/times and exactly what your GS said. I know that sounds a little over the top, but if it ever needs handing over to relevant authorities then you need to be dealing in the facts.

Does your daughter get on with her ex? Is it possible for her to have a calm, but firm, discussion with him?

I would say the matter needs to be sorted out urgently because the boy is being treated badly if he's telling the truth and, if he is telling lies, he needs to be told firmly that this is wrong and dangerous in lots of ways.

I too would believe the child. He hasn't sought to exaggerate the incidents and they sound so random, I seriously doubt whether a child of 8 would think up sinking nails into his scalp unless it actually happened. Some straight talking with SIL needed here before things go too far.

I would believe the child in a scenario like this. I think Newmom101 is right in her approach to the problem.