How to repair relationship with Dil

Do remember that from time to time various things are going to make that side of you appear again so be ever aware that you will need to stop and take some deep breaths!

I'm so happy that you are taking steps to heal the breach and I wish you well!

I think you need to just flat out apologise for it all. Acknowledging everything that you said was very wrong and just horrible to be honest. Then I think you need to accept that she may still need space from you to come to terms with everything. And maybe send her some flowers and treats.

I also think you need to make it clear you want to repair your relationship with her as your DIL, not just as the potential mother of your GC. If I thought my MIL was only nice to me to be able to be close to any children I had I'd be quite offended. To be quite honest with you OP you are bloody lucky your DIL is still talking to you after the wedding incident alone.

And find some new friends, yours sound like quite nasty women. They clearly give terrible advice. You might be your sons parent but you aren't your DILs parent, and she doesn't have to listen to anything you say, so god knows why you would follow that advice. And to add to that your son is an adult, he doesn't have to obey you either!

Stella and Ellan. Your comments are very unhelpful sadly. I sincerely hope your approach to your DIL works Dilly and she forgives you and your relationship starts to blossom. Wishing you well.

Dilly I am a little concerned that you might be sharing too much identifiable info on this forum, please don't forget that these threads are sometimes picked up by newspapers and that, of course, this is a public forum
Wishing you well

Just for the record: by 11 weeks all major organ systems are already developed. This happens already by the end of 8 weeks. Hardly a "clump of cells".

I'd suggest just lying low as well. Don't say or do anything directly as you've been asked not to. When she is ready she will make the first move.

Unless the OP does something to show her d.i.l. how much she regrets her past behaviour, her d.i.l. may never feel able to make the first move agnurse.

I wouldn't ask her out for a coffee Dilly I would send her an enormous bouquet with a note apologising for hurting her and asking or her forgiveness. Then I would wait to hear from her.

I wish you well.

Sorry, for her forgiveness.

I think you have been brave. I would not go for any grand gestures but a simple, heartfelt note. Leave some time and see how the land lies.

I would not communicate with the daughter in law through the husband.
I would also focus on other things and try not to be so involved.

To everyone who posted advice I feel I need to update you all promptly when I came home as you were so quick to give me advice when I needed it. Sorry for length, I'm a rambler. (Drives husband nuts!!)

I went round with flowers (expensive big bunch) and Dil's and son's mail and asked if I could come in for a chat.

I brought up that listening to my friends talk about their relationships with dils had made realise I had made grave errors with her (So I didn't drop son in it for telling me what dil had said). She looked uncomfortable and said everything was fine. I insisted it wasn't & I needed to apologise unreservedly to her. I apologised for my harsh words and lack of support and wasn't asking for her forgiveness but I needed to tell her how sorry I was. It was hard eating humble pie, very, very awkward.

Dil said it meant a lot hearing that. That my lack of support and words had made her feel very lonely, her pregnancy wasn't important and that she felt she was married to my son but not a part of his family. She also told me that for the past year she has multiple health problems because of that pregnancy going so wrong. (Her doctor called it 'the cascade effect').

It made me feel awful to hear this. I cried and she cried. Dil didn't want me to feel bad at all, said she forgave me completely and said the issue was over. I said in the future I will think first before I speak. She said she struggles as our family is very opinionated and she doesn't want to rock the boat and tries to mediate & keep everyone happy as she hates arguments, but I'm now realising over the din of us arguing the point poor Dil gets drowned out. We chatted for ages and really cleared the air.

I think I've always been a bit intimated by her, she's very academic and driven and she's succeeded with turning son's life around where I hadn't and I felt by giving my opinions it made me involved. I also realised after spending time listening rather than talking with Dil, she's actually really funny when given a listening ear. She's not I who I would have picked for my dear son, I would have picked someone girly and up for a laugh like myself, (I'm prosecco and sparkles girl and Dil prefers libraries and a book) but I'm lucky, she's kind and good to my son and our family.

Thank you gransnetters for helping me fix this situation. I'm coming here for advice next time before I go to my friends. I'm also going to have a stiff gin because my god that was hard! Still cringing thinking about it.

So very pleased for you, your wonderful dil sounds an absolute joy . You have been given another chance so don't waste it. Don't mention the conversation again, unless she does, it's been dealt with. Step back, send a short upbeat text on a regular basis (not too regular!) and think before you speak. We all make mistakes so don't beat yourself up any more, just learn from it

That is so good to hear Dilly a happy family once again. Well done both of you for sorting things out, that took guts. Enjoy your gin now.

So glad it went ok.
Gransnet is a great place for advice, if you can take a telling..

Thank you all. It did take guts. Phew! I'm sitting with a large glass of g&t and some cheesecake . It was hard being told off a bit, but I think I probably deserved it. I'm so so so lucky she is as forgiving as she is, the reading I did on other posts on here about Dils cutting their families out made me so sad and fearful. Very glad that wasn't in this situation, though I know I now need to go forward and not make the same mistake again to make sure that doesn't happen.

Well done .. not easy I know but better things to come.
Hope that it continues to be a happy new relationship.

Glad to hear your news. Now you have to keep working at it.

Glad to hear things are good again. She is a hardworking girl and very forgiving.........lucky you . I'm glad she was appreciative of your gesture. Keep your relationship going but don't overdo it. All the best !

Terrific! Well done but don't be tempted to overdo it and smother the girl.
You've made it clear that she's an integral part of your family so try to take the lead from her for a while.
Ps Books and Prosecco go well together!

They are not "missteps" they are catastrophically horrid things to say to someone going through hypermemisis and misscarraige.

The fact that you call these things "missteps" shows that you do not currently possess the insight required to build this bridge, so please respect her wishes and give her space from you

Thank you gransnetters for helping me fix this situation.
Its not fixed, you cant go back in time and undo the damage you did at an already hurtful time.
She is moving on from it and being polite.
She did not want to talk about it but you forced the issue. She told you its fine, she forgives you etc and she also said that she avoids conflict so read between those lines: it was not an open arm welcome to plunge yourself back into her life full throttle.

She's keeping the peace, listen to the words she used and keep a respectful distance and keep your thoughts to yourself, damage HAS been done & just because she has gracefully not burnt bridges does not mean that she enjoys your company or opinions going forward

Good luck! I hope you can repair your relationship. You won't be the first person to say the wrong thing. People have accidentally upset me before and I daresay I have accidentally upset people too.

Sorry, my post was a bit late. Glad you feel things went well.

notanan that is very harsh and uncalled for.

dilly good on you for trying and, most of all, for listening to your DiL.

Well done Dilly for recognising where you did go wrong and apologising. As someone said upthread, don't smother her now but I hope you can develop a good relationship with your DIL, who sounds like a lovely girl. If her parents are on the other side of the world she will appreciate having a loving family around her for support and someone who will listen to her if needs be (without passing judgement!).

dilly good on you for trying and, most of all, for listening to your DiL.

She's not though.
DIL wanted to let it go without discussing it, OP forced the issue.
DIL said that she'll do anything to avoid conflict & drama, OP thinks this means that all is actually forgiven and forgotten.

OP comes across very domineering/forceful. Like a bull in a china shop, hearing the bits she wants to and ignoring the main points. So IMO this issue is far from over.

I hope I can repair the relationship too. I think it will take some time and humbleness on my end. My relationship with her was the opposite of smothering, I didn't really interact with her except on her initiative or if it was a family event with my beloved son, so now I will have to gently start making more of an effort to include her more without smothering.

To Notanan & Agnurse I agree. I made some awful comments on guise of thinking I was being brusk and pragmatic. I looked it up and you're right, it definitely looks like a baby at 11 weeks and I know since talking to her today she was so sick and felt very pregnant, achy, and mourned when she lost it that she missed out on carrying it full term. Dil told me she feels like a half a mother, that she felt hollow not learning what the next stages of pregnancy were like. I haven't had a miscarriage so I didn't know that later miscarriages at 14 weeks when it finally did happen were so painful. My son told me she experienced a lot of pain at the time, but I thought that miscarriages felt like a heavy period.

There seem to be many wise grans here, but sure there are also a few silly ones like me that do need advice.