How to repair relationship with Dil

You're well on the way to repairing your relationship, I'm sure.
And yep, there are lots who need advice at different times on here, and plenty who have no intention of taking it, unlike you.
You can't undo the past, but you can look forward to a much nicer future now.
Constantly berating yourself (or being berated!) isn't necessary.

I looked it up and you're right, it definitely looks like a baby at 11 weeks

sigh
That was never the point.
Its never okay to dismiss a wanted pregnancy or grieved miscarriage regardless of what it technically does or does not look like at any given stage.
Still missing the point.
And she shouldnt have had to share the gorey details with you in order for you to accept that her upset was valid. And she didnt want to either, you pushed her into it (thats what "it's fine" means, most people understand that that means " please drop it)and now she may be feeling exposed and vulnerable and upset all over again.

Dilly - I am often reminded that we have two ears and one mouth for a reason; your daughter-in-law sounds like a treasure, so do encourage her when you can and try to let her see how much you value her.

Well done for grasping the nettle and doing your best to own up to and move on from your past insensitivity.

My relationship with her was the opposite of smothering, I didn't really interact with her except on her initiative or if it was a family event with my beloved son

You took over their wedding to the point where they had to elope and she missed out on having her family there just so that they could get away from you. You don't think that that constitutes "smothering" ?

Look, you sound like you want to get it right but here's the problem: you cant go about it this way

She sounds like an introvert, and a peacekeeper. You sound the opposite. You cant keep barging in demanding she thrash things out with you just so that you feel better, she won't like it. You can't demand that she tells you what you should do, because she wont. You really need to pay attention to what she has told you: she finds this approach stressful and will say what you want to hear to make it blow over. But this approach will not work long term they will just end up finding ways to avoid you again.

Just like how you pushed her to explain her upset to you, after she made it clear she didnt want to go into it.
That's not a triumph. I think you may have made things worse.

Change tact. You seem open to working on it. Realise that what "fixing things" means to your personality type is NOT what it means to hers

How helpful is it notanan to post seven times!!! Dilly has tried to put things right and wants to move on and improve her relationship. Good for her! She needs encouragement and support. I find your attitude a little akin to bullying.

I assume that you were going to meet your daughter-in-law ... ? Hope it went well.
She needs to know that you recognise that the things you said were hurtful. She needs to know that you are sorry for your uncaring words. She needs to know that you, too, are sad about her miscarriage. She needs to know that you love her, and appreciate her.
You need to build this relationship up again, so that little by little, your past mistakes will be over-shadowed by your present concern and love. This will take time and effort on your part. But you owe her that!
You have been extremely honest here in admitting your own failings, and I admire you for that.
But in future, please think before you speak.
I've known many people in the past who pride themselves on 'saying it how it is', being 'frank', being 'blunt'. But they often do this without a thought of the other person's feelings. Which really is just being selfish and unkind. And who would want to pride themselves on that?

I agre mumofmadboys.

Not only is notanan2 hectoring Dilly but she can’t find a good word to say for all of us who recognise the effort put in here. Wow! Take a deep breath notanan2 and listen to yourself!

Notanan that is harsh and very nasty I m surprised at the vitriol in your post
Dilly I think you have done everything you can so far, you have completely taken the blame, ( many many would not be big enough to do that) you have also tried (successfully I think ) to -explain- to your daughter in law how your personality works so she will be able to understand if you make mistakes in the future, although I m sure you ll never make such big ones
I think you are a warm person with a big heart and a very honest one, many would have made excuses for their words and never admitted they were in the wrong You have also been open to critism took it on the chin and done something about it Well done
She sounds an absolute delight and full of wisdom and forgiveness and very good for your son, learn from her and build on your relationship but don’t ever revisit your conversation it’s done now so onwards and upwards
You are a lucky lady but it wouldn’t have happened without your openness to see your faults and openess to change
Good luck for a very happy family in the future

I ve just realised we have two Notanans This is very unhelpful and must be distressing to the original Notanan to be unknowingly used in posts like Notanan2 has posted

Dilly has admitted that her behaviour wasn't acceptable, why continue to castigate her? That achieves nothing!
Time for new beginnings, it won't be easy, but you have taken the first steps. Well done!.

Good on you Dilly for having the guts to apologise. I would reel in the " beloved son" thing a bit though.

The OP seems open to suggestions which is why I suggest a different tact going forward

Forcing an introvert to revisit/rehash a traumatic experience that they dont want to talk about isnt fixing things

Some people feel better after "thrashing things out" (like the OP) but it makes others feel worse.

I ve just realised we have two Notanans This is very unhelpful and must be distressing to the original Notanan to be unknowingly used in posts like Notanan2 has posted
Oh, I hadn't realised that until you pointed it out Bluebelle!
Perhaps the one who arrived last could consider changing her username?

Notanan2

Anja that certainly applies to the OP

I don't need to change my username both are mine, I had difficulty logging in to various things when I lost my passwords when I changed my device. Thought this way it was obvious it was still me.

Oh, OK notanan2
That happened to me too, hence some numbers after my username.

Anja And how to say it!!

Dont pop around, not to an introvert.

Oh yes Norah I'm not introverted but I do dislike it when people just 'pop in '. I know that's ungrateful but I have my day planned and like to be prepared when someone calls in.